Okay, this;
can go.
It's unnecessary whining about the game, which takes up room, as well as being pointless in a contest to try and win the game.
And for the rest to flow properly, try something like this;
I've bolded the things I've added/changed.
And I think you need a stronger conclusion than "Yeah, so I was going to spend money on it, but I could get it for free".
One that really shows your eagerness towards getting the game, and your anticipation towards playing it.
can go.
It's unnecessary whining about the game, which takes up room, as well as being pointless in a contest to try and win the game.
And for the rest to flow properly, try something like this;
I've bolded the things I've added/changed.
And I think you need a stronger conclusion than "Yeah, so I was going to spend money on it, but I could get it for free".
One that really shows your eagerness towards getting the game, and your anticipation towards playing it.