Help/Support ► Adoration: A Blessing or a Curse?

[Nutari]

I don't always frequent the help and support section, but when I do, it's for love advice? WHY? Because anonymous people on the internet know everything.

Anyway, I think I am legitimately in love. I adore one of my best friends, and I'm at that age now where this shit really matters. I'm going off to college and I CANNOT go away without some sort of closure on my feelings. I fear that it would make our friendship implode entirely if she can't handle feeling like she is letting me down or something. I feel as if I need her more than she needs me, and that is the problem. When I leave, I don't know if I will be able to forget her, in fact, when I think about it, I freak out. I honestly don't think I could emotionally withstand leaving her here, without any sort of closure. I don't think I am being even slightly over dramatic when I say, I'm pretty damn sure I need her. Sometimes I wonder if she needs me. I am the only guy who understands her. I know the depth of her struggles, because she has confided in me more than once, I am the only guy who doesn't find her fangirlism bizarre, and her obsession with the characters she draws/writes about. It's funny she is the one friend who is a girl, that I am close to, that I have never had any physical contact with. Never hugged her, never shook her hand, nothing. Like the part of me that has vowed to wait for that one girl, has been kicking since I met her.

I honestly don't get it. Bottom line is: I adore this girl, and I can't seem to get past her, even when I dated somebody else, I think it was because I couldn't have her, and I was filling that void with another beautiful girl, who liked me. Good thing she was obnoxious and it never got anywhere. Anyway, yeah, so what the hell do I do? I want to talk to her alone but I can't seem to find a decent time to do that.

 

[Annoyance]

I don't think you should necessarily need this girl, but obviously you want her. I know how you feel to an extent; I've previously had feelings for my best friend and I destroyed myself because of them. He never saw me that way and never will.

But, even though I knew he could tell, even though I knew he was ignoring my feelings for the benefit of keeping me, I confessed to him to the best of my ability.
We're still best friends today.
There was of course some arguing, hard times, and he had to watch me get through the patch of me liking him while he could barely do anything to stop me.

But we are still best friends today, I am over him, sure he's still pretty but god fuck I don't wanna date him hahaha.

In short: Confess. It'll drive you mad and you'll have a feeling of regret if you don't. Just tell her how you feel. Try to be as clear as possible, don't say that she needs you or anything like that. You don't need anyone, she doesn't NEED anyone. You want to be with each other. That's what's important, what you want.

And make it clear, of course, that if she doesn't feel the same way, you still want to be friends because she's too important blahbalhblah I shouldn't have this convo for you.

 

[Nutari]

I don't think you should necessarily need this girl, but obviously you want her. I know how you feel to an extent; I've previously had feelings for my best friend and I destroyed myself because of them. He never saw me that way and never will.

But, even though I knew he could tell, even though I knew he was ignoring my feelings for the benefit of keeping me, I confessed to him to the best of my ability.
We're still best friends today.
There was of course some arguing, hard times, and he had to watch me get through the patch of me liking him while he could barely do anything to stop me.

But we are still best friends today, I am over him, sure he's still pretty but god diddly I don't wanna date him hahaha.

In short: Confess. It'll drive you mad and you'll have a feeling of regret if you don't. Just tell her how you feel. Try to be as clear as possible, don't say that she needs you or anything like that. You don't need anyone, she doesn't NEED anyone. You want to be with each other. That's what's important, what you want.

And make it clear, of course, that if she doesn't feel the same way, you still want to be friends because she's too important blahbalhblah I shouldn't have this convo for you.

Don't worry I getcha. Ironically, I was using need in the place of want. I sure as hell want her to love me back (though I already know it prolly wont be that way). I'll confess when I get the chance.

Thanks though.

 

[Nayru's Love]

I'm not going to take any particular stance on whether or not you should pursue her, but speaking from my own personal experience.

Closure isn't that necessary, if I may say so. You're just getting into college, so you'll meet so many people and probably get to know them just as well as you know her. Past college, too. Maybe you'll even develop stronger emotions for them?

Just don't feel like closure is your only option. That's how I felt with an old high-school friend of mine too, and now in sophomore year I'm working on getting into a relationship with a totally different girl. Shit, she doesn't even go to the same school.

 

[Nutari]

I'm not going to take any particular stance on whether or not you should pursue her, but speaking from my own personal experience.

Closure isn't that necessary, if I may say so. You're just getting into college, so you'll meet so many people and probably get to know them just as well as you know her. Past college, too. Maybe you'll even develop stronger emotions for them?

Just don't feel like closure is your only option. That's how I felt with an old high-school friend of mine too, and now in sophomore year I'm working on getting into a relationship with a totally different girl. Shit, she doesn't even go to the same school.

You know, you're absolutely right. One of my teachers actually said something today that made me feel like blowing up my friendship isn't the best option: basically not having everything you want won't actually aid your happiness. Or something like that. I may actually be happier just bolstering our friendship.

 

[Bukkake Sensei]

I'm at that age now where this shit really matters

Bitch, no you are not.

 

[Nutari]

Bitch, no you are not.

Correction: where it ALMOST matters :3

 

[Reagan Rayden]

Trust me, if you feel for this person and you don't tell her how you feel, you will regret it.

Better to tell her how you feel then to not and ask yourself what could have been every single day of your life.

I told my feelings to this girl that I knew. She wasn't really a best friend but we were very close. She didn't feel the same way about how I felt and we aren't really friends anymore, but I'm better for it because I would prefer her to not be involved in my life than for her to be in my life and still be friends with that horrible feeling in my heart.

Edit: Reading these past comments makes me feel like a bitch lol

 

[Nayru's Love]

Correction: where it ALMOST matters :3

Not really. I'd say the best time for intimate relationships are before and after college; everything in-between is just sex.

Usually,anyways.

 

[Reagan Rayden]

The human brain does not reach its final stage of development until around the age of 25 (this obviously varies between people), so feelings you may have now can drastically change up to that point.

 

[Bukkake Sensei]

Correction: where it ALMOST matters :3

Hahaha, I'm just fucking with you man...don't mean to marginalize your feelings at all.

 

[Nutari]

The human brain does not reach its final stage of development until around the age of 25 (this obviously varies between people), so feelings you may have now can drastically change up to that point.

Well I am definitely ahead of the game, and I always have been.

Hahaha, I'm just diddlying with you man...don't mean to marginalize your feelings at all.

Lol, I know man x) that was some much needed humor.

 

[Cosmic+Amarna]

Dude, to be real, and sorry if you think I'm rude or whatever, but you seem pretty cocky here. To say that you have always definitely been ahead of the game in reference to someone stating that the human brain doesn't fully mature+develop until the age 25 and that you're the only guy that understands her, to me at least seems to be a display of hubris. Sorry but I had to say it, not even to be a d**k but just so that you know that you come across that way here.

Now, for advice. I'm in the middle of what Nayru and Reagan say. On one hand I totally agree with Nayru, but on the other, I agree somewhat with what Reagan said. If it were me, I'd assess the situation and weigh out all the pros and cons. I'd probably go ahead and find a way to convey my feelings in a way that still allows for us to be friends if she doesn't feel the same way. I'd tell her that I value the friendship way more and that if you don't feel the same way that it is cool, that I understand and that I also value what we do have more than anything that we could have. That way you're conveying to her that you are still satisfied with what you currently have and that you'd rather have the friendship over the possible relationship if she doesn't want to take it there (even if you want more, because realize that this could very easily turn into an all or nothing situation, which I'm sure you're aware of). Idk, if you really are certain that you feel this way then I'd find a way to tell her that isn't overwhelming to her. Ya know?, be smooth about it, not like the people on 'the friendzone' which like all mtv shows, is fake and scripted. Be confident in being rejected or accepted by her and convey to her that you respect her choice whether she says yes or no (providing you still want to be friends with her regardless).

And yeah you'll meet many people in your time at college and there is a good chance that you may forget about here as sad/unfortunate as that sounds. Good luck either way dude.

 

[Nutari]

Dude, to be real, and sorry if you think I'm rude or whatever, but you seem pretty cocky here. To say that you have always definitely been ahead of the game in reference to someone stating that the human brain doesn't fully mature+develop until the age 25 and that you're the only guy that understands her, to me at least seems to be a display of hubris. Sorry but I had to say it, not even to be a d**k but just so that you know that you come across that way here.

Now, for advice. I'm in the middle of what Nayru and Reagan say. On one hand I totally agree with Nayru, but on the other, I agree somewhat with what Reagan said. If it were me, I'd assess the situation and weigh out all the pros and cons. I'd probably go ahead and find a way to convey my feelings in a way that still allows for us to be friends if she doesn't feel the same way. I'd tell her that I value the friendship way more and that if you don't feel the same way that it is cool, that I understand and that I also value what we do have more than anything that we could have. That way you're conveying to her that you are still satisfied with what you currently have and that you'd rather have the friendship over the possible relationship if she doesn't want to take it there (even if you want more, because realize that this could very easily turn into an all or nothing situation, which I'm sure you're aware of). Idk, if you really are certain that you feel this way then I'd find a way to tell her that isn't overwhelming to her. Ya know?, be smooth about it, not like the people on 'the friendzone' which like all mtv shows, is fake and scripted. Be confident in being rejected or accepted by her and convey to her that you respect her choice whether she says yes or no (providing you still want to be friends with her regardless).

And yeah you'll meet many people in your time at college and there is a good chance that you may forget about here as sad/unfortunate as that sounds. Good luck either way dude.

As to the first part: trust me. I am not being cocky. It's true. Not even her friends understand her, and she tells me that, a lot. I won't take offense though. I guess what I mean by ahead of the game is that I grew up in an enviornment that made me grow up exponentially faster than most children, therefore, I am ahead of the game in maturity, maybe not brain development so much.

Thanks mang. I appreciate your advice

 

[Taylor]

As to the first part: trust me. I am not being cocky. It's true. Not even her friends understand her, and she tells me that, a lot. I won't take offense though. I guess what I mean by ahead of the game is that I grew up in an enviornment that made me grow up exponentially faster than most children, therefore, I am ahead of the game in maturity, maybe not brain development so much.

Thanks mang. I appreciate your advice

that's called childhood adultification and while it's good for resilience, leadership, empathy, etc., there are also a lot of negative side effects...like narcissism, stunted growth of social interaction, and an overall feeling of compulsiveness to be in a romantic relationship. am i setting off any red flags here?

look i know you think you're sure here because you think you're "ahead of the game" consciously, but subconsciously, you are not. you will not be until you have fully developed, and no amount of real world events can speed up that process.

so don't rush into something that could possibly be a bad idea, especially because you might see in about a year how bad of an idea it may have been.

 

[Nutari]

that's called childhood adultification and while it's good for resilience, leadership, empathy, etc., there are also a lot of negative side effects...like narcissism, stunted growth of social interaction, and an overall feeling of compulsiveness to be in a romantic relationship. am i setting off any red flags here?

look i know you think you're sure here because you think you're "ahead of the game" consciously, but subconsciously, you are not. you will not be until you have fully developed, and no amount of real world events can speed up that process.

so don't rush into something that could possibly be a bad idea, especially because you might see in about a year how bad of an idea it may have been.

Ah, you are correct. I feel a compulsion for romance, but, I very rarely date. Narcissism is something I don't struggle with, if I did, I wouldn't be able to be empathetic at all. At least that's how I see that. My aunt is very narcissistic, and it's irritating. But you know what, you are right about all that. I can feel my sub conscious immaturity at times, and I just try to repress it. Maybe that's why I'm more mellowed out about this whole thing. Honestly, right now, there is no point to going after her romantically. I'll just make subtle romantic gestures, and work on our friendship. She's finally getting her wish with a guy. She's going to a dance with him in a few weeks and I can only imagine they will start dating at that point.

*goes and buys a broom*

Thanks though, your wisdom is much appreciated.