Help/Support ► Advice please?

[pokepotterkhkids]

So, about 8 years ago, my cousin died. He was the closest person in the world to me, and at the time, my only friend. Now it's been 8 years, and my emotional state towards it hasnt changed much, and no matter how hard i try, i cant even think of how to even try to get over it and move on. The only thing that has changed, is that i cover up my saddness and pretend to be happy so i dont hurt anyone else by being hurt. What should I do?

 

[Iridium]

As much as I say I have gotten over my Grandmother's (yes both of them were precious to me) deaths I can admit it's something that I wish could have occurred.

Some find it harder or easier to cope with a loved ones death, just varies from person to person, but no matter what anyone says you'll never fully get over it, you can only cope. And by coping with your troubles you eventually recover. In your case it's been on going, and that's completely understandable. Now I can't give you the proper course of action to help you, this is only advice so in the end it's up to you to make the sound decision, not me or anyone else.

So I do have to ask, have you talked this over with any other members of the family? Yeah it's a bit, well, hard to depending on how close you are with your family members but family is the first place to turn. And logically it's one of the best solutions to use since this is a family ordeal and I'm sure you're not the only one to feel this pain.

Another good venue for help are friends, good friends that have the time to listen. As long as you're talking to the right person you can get things out, they can give your input on the situation. That is if you have good friends; not imposing that you don't however.

Last but not least you can always talk to a counselor/psychiatrist; you can put your trust in them, they won't think you're insane or anything (as long as you don't say anything too ). I'm not too fond of them but that's one of the last things you can do. What quality I like about them most is that they keep their information about their subjects confidential and they're always honest with their responses to you.

Well it's time for my advice and suffice to say it's not extravagant but I just want to get my 2 cents in. In time your wounds heal, but only if you take the process of healing to heart. For me I've simply ignored it and the pain dissipated, but for you this is something on going and it can't simply be submerged. One of the things I did was remember that the said person is better off in [insert afterlife here] then on this earth, but assuming your cousin was relatively young it was an untimely death. To put it simply just understand that he's gone and there is no way of bringing him back to this realm of existence. However remember the good times you had with him, the good and bad and try not to let it get in the way of your every day life.

As I stated earlier coping with it is the first step with recovery, and to cope with certain things (besides the previous advice) you can always focus on other things to block out the suppressed sadness. Past times like old hobbies, hanging with friends or even ranting helps. Covering up the fact that you're upset over this is doing nothing good for you, so I suggest you tell your friends this; lightly though and maybe they will help you on your way to getting through this. You are never alone in this world.

Well that's all I can really say on the matter, I'm sure others have posted by the time I have gotten done with this. Either way I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

 

[Aqua13]

If you think the way you are dealing with it is working out for you, than i bet you will heal overtime.

but if you think its not working out and you need to tell someone, than tell someone who is the most closest to you right now.

or someone who expirienced the same problem you did and figured a way to get over it.

i once lost my brother, he was also my only friend at the time. the way i got over it was by hanging out with people who tried to be my friend when i didnt notice before.

i always try to remember that my brother never wanted to hurt me, and that if he never tried to hurt me, he wouldnt want me to feel hurt over his death.


i know, i explaining this horrible. but i hope u get the idea.

i dont think your cousin wants you to feel hurt for all this time because of his death.

its hard to let go of someone without consent.

so my suggestion is to tal with your closest friend or family member or to just try o cope knowing your friend didnt want you to feel this way.

well....i dont kow if this is helping you, but i hope you feel better soon.

 

[Blueman]

So, about 8 years ago, my cousin died. He was the closest person in the world to me, and at the time, my only friend. Now it's been 8 years, and my emotional state towards it hasnt changed much, and no matter how hard i try, i cant even think of how to even try to get over it and move on. The only thing that has changed, is that i cover up my saddness and pretend to be happy so i dont hurt anyone else by being hurt. What should I do?

Feeling pain and sorrow for a loved ones' death is completely natural.

But your cousin doesn't want you living in agony for the rest of your life.

Remember him, remember who he was and why you loved him, and move on with your life. Never forget your cousin and who he was, but move on and live your life to the fullest for your cousin.

Also, don't cover up your emotions. If you continue that, all of the emotions you've been keeping hidden will keep you in this sorrowful state.

Your were blessed with a family for a reason: So you can be there for each other...

Good luck, man. I hope this helps.

 

[Lifes.Lover]

I have been fortunate in my life to have not lost anyone close to me so far. The closest I had was my grandfather. But I didn't know him well and while I wish that I could have had more time with him, his death was not a huge factor in my life. Therefore, I cannot truly say what you are going through and I'm probably the last person able to give advice. But...

It sounds like you lost him at a pretty young age. He was only about 4 when he died, and I assume that you weren't far off that age, right? Losing someone at such a young age can impact us even more than at an older age, when we understand more.

You say that you cover your real emotions so that others- your family and friends- don't know exactly unhappy you are. But this is not the best action to take. Chances are that they realize something is wrong. You can't really hide the way you feel. We show it in our eyes, and our body language. You may smile, but that doesn't mean it reaches your eyes. And lying to them about how you feel will only make you feel worse. You're putting a stopper on your emotions, and acting happy for others, when that's the last thing you feel. Eventually, your supressed emotions will swell to the point that you really can't keep them in.

Talking to your family and friends is one course of action, and it's usually a really soothing one. Remember that, at least for your family, that they went through his death, too, and probably felt some of what you do, even if they weren't as close to him. Talk to them about how you feel, and then talk about your cousin. Remembering someone I miss always makes me feel better. Talk about their little odd quirks, or perhaps how close you were to him. It doesn't do you any good to attempt to forget him, or bottle up how he was a good friend.

Talking to a third party- such a counselor- is a good idea, too. Perhaps what you can't, or don't want to, say to your family, or friends, you can say to them. They're unbiased, and are there only to listen, and to help. It doesn't make you crazy to talk to one. They didn't know your cousin, and they don't know you, so they have no reason to be anything but a neutral person.

You'll never forget him, or how close you two were, and you'll never really get over his death. But you should be able to smile without him being there. If he cared about you, then he wouldn't want you to be sad over him- he'd probably rather that you smiled.

 

[pokepotterkhkids]

If you think the way you are dealing with it is working out for you, than i bet you will heal overtime.

but if you think its not working out and you need to tell someone, than tell someone who is the most closest to you right now.

or someone who expirienced the same problem you did and figured a way to get over it.

i once lost my brother, he was also my only friend at the time. the way i got over it was by hanging out with people who tried to be my friend when i didnt notice before.

i always try to remember that my brother never wanted to hurt me, and that if he never tried to hurt me, he wouldnt want me to feel hurt over his death.


i know, i explaining this horrible. but i hope u get the idea.

i dont think your cousin wants you to feel hurt for all this time because of his death.

its hard to let go of someone without consent.

so my suggestion is to tal with your closest friend or family member or to just try o cope knowing your friend didnt want you to feel this way.

well....i dont kow if this is helping you, but i hope you feel better soon.

you make a good point. thanks

Feeling pain and sorrow for a loved ones' death is completely natural.

But your cousin doesn't want you living in agony for the rest of your life.

Remember him, remember who he was and why you loved him, and move on with your life. Never forget your cousin and who he was, but move on and live your life to the fullest for your cousin.

Also, don't cover up your emotions. If you continue that, all of the emotions you've been keeping hidden will keep you in this sorrowful state.

Your were blessed with a family for a reason: So you can be there for each other...

Good luck, man. I hope this helps.

1) Not that i really care that u called me man, cuz trust me, i spend most of my life acting like a guy, but just for the record, im a girl.

2) Thanks for the advice

I have been fortunate in my life to have not lost anyone close to me so far. The closest I had was my grandfather. But I didn't know him well and while I wish that I could have had more time with him, his death was not a huge factor in my life. Therefore, I cannot truly say what you are going through and I'm probably the last person able to give advice. But...

It sounds like you lost him at a pretty young age. He was only about 4 when he died, and I assume that you weren't far off that age, right? Losing someone at such a young age can impact us even more than at an older age, when we understand more.

You say that you cover your real emotions so that others- your family and friends- don't know exactly unhappy you are. But this is not the best action to take. Chances are that they realize something is wrong. You can't really hide the way you feel. We show it in our eyes, and our body language. You may smile, but that doesn't mean it reaches your eyes. And lying to them about how you feel will only make you feel worse. You're putting a stopper on your emotions, and acting happy for others, when that's the last thing you feel. Eventually, your supressed emotions will swell to the point that you really can't keep them in.

Talking to your family and friends is one course of action, and it's usually a really soothing one. Remember that, at least for your family, that they went through his death, too, and probably felt some of what you do, even if they weren't as close to him. Talk to them about how you feel, and then talk about your cousin. Remembering someone I miss always makes me feel better. Talk about their little odd quirks, or perhaps how close you were to him. It doesn't do you any good to attempt to forget him, or bottle up how he was a good friend.

Talking to a third party- such a counselor- is a good idea, too. Perhaps what you can't, or don't want to, say to your family, or friends, you can say to them. They're unbiased, and are there only to listen, and to help. It doesn't make you crazy to talk to one. They didn't know your cousin, and they don't know you, so they have no reason to be anything but a neutral person.

You'll never forget him, or how close you two were, and you'll never really get over his death. But you should be able to smile without him being there. If he cared about you, then he wouldn't want you to be sad over him- he'd probably rather that you smiled.

kay. thanks

 

[Mistearea]

Well, mine will seem insignificant compared to the others posted, but here goes.

I lost my little brother back in 94 and it has affected me since then. What can I say? He was basically my right hand so losing him was like losing the most important part of me. But,I got over it quickly though by realizing that it is something inevitable to us all. In other words, we all die so why waste time grieving over those that have already passed? Well, that's my opinion but it is best to create a way to always remember them, to remind you that they are indeed gone from the physical world but forever in your heart. For me, it's the fact that I keep his obituary report in my wallet at all times and look at it when I'm feeling down and need strength. I think of it as borrowing the strength that he would have to this day if he were still alive and the bond that we shared. I realize that he was only a couple months old and I was only five, but we still had one of the strongest bonds that I could ever imagine. In truth, my mom didn't take care of him as much as I did. Sure she changed his diaper and made his milk, but for a good reason. The diaper mostly because I tried to put it on him and sucked so badly that it ended on his head. He loved it while I was confused as hell tryin' to figure out how that happened and makin' the milk was cleaner when she did it. I had a bad habit of spilling it.

All-in-all, find a means to keep your cousin close. It could just be a picture that you keep in your room or even an article of clothing that was his/her favorite that you either enshrine or wear all the time. Find what you feel is best and treasure it to show that you will never forget him/her and he/she will always be in your heart and in this world, even if it's not physically or mentally in this world. Emotionally attachment is the strongest of all.

 

[Eternal Dream]

From what I've just read, you've just received some of the best advice possible short of going to a counselor. Just try to use any or all of what has been said, and one more thing...though this has been said as well...in your case what will most likely help the most is to REMEMBER your cousin...the things you did together, what he meant to you, his smile, how he made you feel...everything you can. For starters...what happened? How did your cousin die? I know this sounds extremely painful and may even seem cruel, and I know it will make you cry, but it will also help you to move on. You CAN remember and be happy at the same time. Talk to anyone who will listen...I don't know what your relationship is like with your parents or your other family members, so if you can talk to them, please, do. Tell them how much pain you're in and that you need to talk about your cousin. If you honestly feel that you can't talk to them, and you have no one else you feel comfortable talking to, then if you want you can talk to me through pms or I'm sure anyone else who has posted here would be willing to listen as well. FIRST AND FOREMOST...I am logged on to my daughter's account right now while I'm posting this. She saw your question and asked for my advice on what to say to you. You're not alone, believe me. I realize that right now listening to an adult talk about death is the last thing you probably want to hear, but this is my personal story which is very much like your own. I lost my mother in a car accident in October of 2000. Not only was my mom killed instantly, but my uncle had been driving and he was thrown from the car as well. We traveled across the state multiple times for 16 days before he finally died. (He never came out of his coma). This man had been a substitute father to me after my dad died in 1998, so this was yet another devasting blow. Yes, I was an adult, but it was the circumstances that made it impossible for me to get over. She had been on her way home from work when she was hit broadside by a drunk driver who was running from the police in a stolen truck. We were very close and she was in very good health. I never expected this to happen...so I never got to say goodbye and I was totally unprepared. After she died, I found I couldn't do the things we had always done because it hurt too much to remember her. Because of my kids, I kept my own pain locked away and no one ever knew how much I was suffering. But some of the things that meant the most to me seemed to be lost forever. One example was my voice: I used to sing all the time in church, around my house, everywhere. I suddenly found that if I started to sing I would think about my mom and start to cry. Rather than feel that pain all over again, I simply stopped singing. For 7 years, I couldn't sing, I couldnt even listen to music. Finally, my sister asked me to go to Kaereoke with her and after fighting through the tears and pain, by forcing myself to remember, I'm happy to say that once again I've found my voice. I can think of my mom, sing and smile all at the same time. And during my healing process, I also realized how much my grief was affecting those around me. I watched family members show up at Kaereoke to hear me, and watched them cry because they had missed my voice so much. But the biggest turning point for me was when my 9 year old daughter told me this December how happy she was that I could finally sing Christmas songs without crying. And I thought no one noticed my pain....So after 8 very long years, I'm still recovering, but I'm finally getting on with my life...remembering, sometimes still crying, but smiling more because now the memories bring me joy as well. I wish you the best in whatever you do, but remember your cousin...it WILL help, and talk to anyone who will listen. I'll be thinking about you

Eternal Dream's Mom