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Help/Support ► Are my parents splitting up?



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Angel

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So, recently, my mother calls me down from my room after school. I started suspecting things then, cause she was supposed to be in the kitchen at work. She says that she and my dad need to talk with me. I come down, and ask her what's up.

The reply I got surprised me.

"So, your father and I have been having trouble recently, and...."

I couldn't take much more. I exploded briefly after this, thinking that they were gonna divorce. My dad calms me down, and says that they wanted to tell me that they were going to marriage counseling, and that they wanted me to be at the next session, which is the 8th.

Problem is, I'm afraid anything I say or do will result in the shrink counselor finding some deep seated problem with their marriage, and I honestly don't want to watch it collapse in front of my very eyes.

My parents have frequently told me that they don't plan to divorce, but I wouldn't be surprised if my mom handed my dad the papers after my sister's out the door for college.

Has anyone gone through anything similar? Any help would be appreciated.
 

basicownage

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haha , not a chance
as for me , with my parents split , looking back on it , I would have wanted to stay more out of it then I did

all you can really do is tell the counselor the truth , what you've seen and heard at home , they're counselors for a reason , they will do everything but say "I think you should split"
they will try everything but that
that is the point

if they split , its the parents decision , not the counselors

and hopefully you have a counselor that will try really hard and be patient
god knows there are sucky counselors out there

but good luck , hope for the best , but be prepared for the worst
and god bless
 

Naryx15

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I have.

My parents got divorced 8 years ago when I was only 5.
They got in huge fights all the time and it always scared me.
I was always afraid they were going to split up and they did.

Unfortunately, my dad got custody of me temporarily and made me live with him forever a year.
Not to mention he always treated me like shit.

I had an amazing childhood [/sarcasm]

But anyways, I hope things go well :D
And yeah, what basicownage said XD

Be prepared for the worst but hope for the best.
 

Rix

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I was only 4-5 years old when my parents got divorced and I didn't take that so hard back then. I guess it's harder when you're older and you know more about whats going on.

All I have to say is that things like that happens. it's though, but it's nothing to do if it doesn't work out for your parents. but you should think about that they went to a conselour, so they are willling to try to save their marriage. And remember that the conselour is there for helping, he/she is not trying doing his7shes best to break up your parents. Amd I bet the conselour has met other teenagers that's upset about whats happening before so I'm pretty sure that the conselour knows how to handle the situation in the right way and not upset you while you are there.

I hope that it works out between your parents, but if it doesn't, try to look at it from their point of view and accept their decision. It might be though at first, but you'll get used to it eventually.
 

fadin sun

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If your parents do not love each other any more, that is simply the reality. Face that reality if you can but honestly it's normal to get angry at yourself, but I urge you to not do so...

I have never gone through this experience myself, but I will tell you that it is a hard one, especially at the age you are now... Your parents are pretty selfish for breaking up when you're still this age, but oh well I'm not one to judge. I'm certain there is a reason and I suppose in the end it's better than them pretending to love each other.

At least it probably won't end chaotically like most divorces do. Both parties (both your parents that is) seem to be in great grasp of the situation, and I hope they can still be mature enough to see each other in public.

Anyways, in the end, it's probably best to stay out of it.
 

Angel

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Anyways, in the end, it's probably best to stay out of it.

I more than wish I could stay out of it.

But they ROPED ME INTO IT.

I'm just afraid that I will play a part in their divorce, that's all.

But I appreciate what everyone said so far. Thanks!
 

fadin sun

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:/

Your parents are quite selfish, I'm sorry to say.

Oh well try to do your best to ease the situation now that you're pretty much locked into it. You can't prevent your parents from not loving each other, but you might be able to prevent them from hating each other.
 

Taylor

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Haha, how funny. I recently went through this very same thing. Third week of November, actually. For the past five weeks before that, my dad started acting really weird. He started taking an interest in what I was doing, which is completely out of character for him. I instantly suspected the worst, and soon enough, they started arguing.

Fast-forward to the third week of November. My parents called me and my sister down and announced that they might be getting a divorce. My dad took me outside after the talk was over to tell me there was a 1% chance that this marriage could be saved. I was literally crushed inside.

Things were rocky for the next two weeks until the first Saturday of December. You see, my dad had been drinking a bit every night, since he had been really depressed. But on that Saturday, he learned that my mom was going up to Utah to visit a man she met online that she might be in love with. He crashed. He got so drunk, it was amazing. He just drank and smoked all day. He must have went out drunk-driving about five times. My mom tried talking to him, but to no avail. I talked to him. Nothing. So, eventually, I had to call my uncle. He protected us from my dad. Of course my father wasn't going to hit me or anything, but he was getting scary. He just kept drinking. Eventually, my uncle took out my dad's batteries in his car. Soon after, my mom, sister, and me all left the house for the night.

The day after, he apologized for whatever he had done or said, promising never to do it again. He said that sometimes people have to try something out to see if it's the right thing to do. He said he realized he made a terrible decision and that he wouldn't scare me like that again. He also mentioned that him and my mom would start going on dates again, just to try and overcome this whole divorce thing.

Fast-forward to...well, today actually. As we were driving home from dinner, my mom told me that they were going to be fine. They had talked more, my dad started to listen more, and they just spent a lot of time together.


In the end, I could've done without the traumatic experiences, especially the seven weeks of wondering, but at least it all worked out fine. Maybe you could propose to your parents that they start spending more time together? At least encourage them to put forth a real effort. Marriage counseling is only the first step (my parents went through it too).
 

Angel

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Actually, my parents, spending more time together?

My mom would spend the whole date begging my dad to be Tim Allen's character on Home Improvement, except on my house. (which looks damn good, improvement or not, already)

and my dad would bitch about that, and one thing would lead to another, and next thing you know, they're pregnant again. (i started joking after that first comma. I don't know the events that led to it or why I was conceived; all I know was that it led to my parents marrying earlier than they should have)

my dad's already going to the neighbor's house to drink, she ain't happy about that. then again, she's not happy unless we're a trophy family

oh, did I mention she treats him like a teenager? on the rare occasions he can go out with friends, she keeps her own neurotic list of how long he stays out. or at least, she used to. I have no idea if she does it now.

on the other hand, my dad can be a lazy fuck at times, and seem not to care about anything, and spend too much time on his laptop, I can't really see why my mom detests him so much. (i can see why he gets annoyed with her because I'm usually dished the leftover anger and bitterness)

I doubt my dad would become a drunk if my mom left us. she almost did once, and he didn't seemed bothered. my mother, on the other hand, would become an emotional wreck and silently demand that everyone around her act the same.
 

Wicked

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It seems that not many parents stay together anymore :( These things normally happen when they have kids. My parents split when I was 3.
 

Angel

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Great.

turns out that my mother betrayed a HUGE secret of mine at the last counseling session, which, according to my father, was an attempt to deflect all the blame away from her.

Now I'm gonna walk in on Thursday, and the damn therapist will be staring at me like I'm a sideshow freak, not to mention probe me for every problem that has put me and my parents at odds.
 
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shinysilver

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I had a similar situation recently, though I did not have the inconvience of the whole counseling part. My parents officially told me that they were getting divorced December of last year. It was a hard blow to me, because they had hidden their fighting and problems so well I didn't see it coming at all. My dad moved out this past May. Over the time between December and May, I discovered my dad had met a woman on his business trips to Texas and had been having an affair with her for several years. I never had the feeling that a lot of kids get in this situation that it was their fault, but I felt like I kept getting pulled in the middle, and I still do at times.

I've grown used this shift in my life, but I'm still dealing with problems that arise from it. My mother refuses to speak to my father unless it is absolutley neccessary, and I often feel like I'm dealing with small children. And I have yet to meet my father's girlfriend who moved to my hometown in September, and she always leaves their house before I come over to see my dad.

But as generic as it sounds, it does get better. I spent a long time feeling devestated and hopeless, but in truth I think that this experience has actually made me stronger and helped me strengthen my own personal relationships outside of my family and become even closer to my sister. Both of my parents seem to be happier lately, and I prefer it much more to when they both still lived together in my house for those seven months and made the atmosphere constantly depressing and tense.

I do hope things work out between your parents. I think that its a good thing that they are at least trying marriage counseling instead of just immediatly calling it quits. My best advice to you is to tell them how it makes you feel to be pulled in the middle of all this. It might help you feel a little better. :)
 
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I more than wish I could stay out of it.

But they ROPED ME INTO IT.

I'm just afraid that I will play a part in their divorce, that's all.

But I appreciate what everyone said so far. Thanks!


Then un-rope yourself and state your position to them clearly. Tell them that their problems are your own and you're not going to be a factor in the solution or the progression of those problems. If they can't accept that, you side with whichever parent puts less pressure on you to be a part of it, if and when things do get ugly.

As an aside I'll say that it's fucking disgusting to me that THE FUCKING MARRIAGE COUNSELOR would deliberately encourage you to become involved. They should require those hacks to take classes in child psychology before they do stupid shit like that.

If your parents are no longer in love then they don't belong together and there's nothing you can do except keep your distance, even against their will.
 

Angel

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Then un-rope yourself and state your position to them clearly. Tell them that their problems are your own and you're not going to be a factor in the solution or the progression of those problems. If they can't accept that, you side with whichever parent puts less pressure on you to be a part of it, if and when things do get ugly.

You clearly don't know the type of person my mother is.

my way or the highway, and such.

kind of ironic that that's one of the core problems in her marriage. her fucking get-it-now attitude.

As an aside I'll say that it's fucking disgusting to me that THE FUCKING MARRIAGE COUNSELOR would deliberately encourage you to become involved. They should require those hacks to take classes in child psychology before they do stupid shit like that.

Again, dear old mum has to do with that.

According to my dad, she's been telling tales about me in an effort to force the blame off of someone that isn't her.

If your parents are no longer in love then they don't belong together and there's nothing you can do except keep your distance, even against their will.

what i'm starting to believe.

also, if it isn't already obvious, it is more than likely that i'm siding with dad if things get out of hand.
 

Lycanthrope

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I think you might want to ask Star Light for help on divorced parents...

/sarcasm

But seriously, don't stress yourself out about it. If your parents are making you go to the meeting thing, go. And if the divorce goes through, I sincerely doubt it will be because of something you said.
 

Joy

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...your mom honestly seems like the main problem in the marriage.

Your dad's apathy could have very well spawned from the fact that your mother is so damn controlling. After a while, it must've just got to him so much he was like "screw it". At least, that's how it seems.

Also, the marriage therapist probably asked for you to be brought in because it would give more perspective on the two. You live with them, you know them best. How better to get information about the couple then from someone who is on the sidelines witnessing the whole thing? It's not fair to you, but at the same time, he may need that perspective.

I honestly hope things work out for you.
 

Angel

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I think you might want to ask Star Light for help on divorced parents...

/sarcasm

But seriously, don't stress yourself out about it. If your parents are making you go to the meeting thing, go. And if the divorce goes through, I sincerely doubt it will be because of something you said.

I know, I just don't want something I say to have a negative impact on a parent I'll only be able to see half the time.

...your mom honestly seems like the main problem in the marriage.

Well, my mom's out of town right now, so I sympathize with my dad more.

However, she has her moments that shout "divorce me".

Your dad's apathy could have very well spawned from the fact that your mother is so damn controlling. After a while, it must've just got to him so much he was like "screw it". At least, that's how it seems.

Mmhmm. She doesn't even let him go out and visit his friends, and if he does, she spends the whole night whining and complaining to me about it.

Also, the marriage therapist probably asked for you to be brought in because it would give more perspective on the two. You live with them, you know them best. How better to get information about the couple then from someone who is on the sidelines witnessing the whole thing? It's not fair to you, but at the same time, he may need that perspective.

I suppose this is true.

However, like I said, if my mother wasn't telling tales about me to the counselor, my involvement could very well have been delayed.

I honestly hope things work out for you.

thank you for your concern.

Yes they are.

Enjoy your fucen divorce.

DX

However, I am preparing for them to be split up.
 

Ordeith

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Well, I can't say that my parents have ever had serious problems that haven't been sorted out, as they've been married for fifty years now, but I'd like to extend my deepest sympathies to you, and I hope that eveything is straightened out as best it can in the future.
 

Angel

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Great. Just great.

My parents had a huge fight last night, that resulted in my mom being perpetually pissed, and my dad having spent the night in the guest room.

They also said some things that led me to believe that I am the reason that they got married in the first place (making me feel indirectly responsible for the problems they're having now, since my mother found out about me around the time they got married.), because my dad had said something about how their marriage might be "temporary".

I heard several other things too, many involving each's true feelings about the other.

EDIT: My mom has evolved into superbitch.

the end.
 
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