• Hello everybody! We have tons of new awards for the new year that can be requested through our Awards System thanks to Antifa Lockhart! Some are limited-time awards so go claim them before they are gone forever...

    CLICK HERE FOR AWARDS

Fanfiction ► C.r.a.i.d



REGISTER TO REMOVE ADS
Status
Not open for further replies.

Ulti

hurr hurr hurr
Joined
Dec 17, 2003
Messages
10,987
Awards
4
Age
32
Location
In my castle, plotting your demise
Nothing but the best from me=PAll you gotta do is help me get fans. This chapter went better then I thought. Gyrun isn't going to be any better then he is. Human characters are hard to describe. To those confuse on how I shall do the villians, in each land(3 or 5) I'll have 2 captains and 1 general. So this will be a very long fan fic. Keep reading my fans!
 

Cael

Silver Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
2,690
Location
Japan
Website
tinyurl.com
UK that was a great story =D and a long one since I just started reading it yesterday xD I can't wait for chapter 5 ^^
 

Ulti

hurr hurr hurr
Joined
Dec 17, 2003
Messages
10,987
Awards
4
Age
32
Location
In my castle, plotting your demise
After a long waiting time, I present Chapter 5! And its a TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!

CHAPTER 5

Darkness soon fell on the land of Tarren. The moon was at its highest peak when a bell rang out. It rang twelve times. The ringing came from a castle, twisted as a murderer’s mind. It was nearly 10 stories tall, with a post at each end. A moat surrounded the castle, with an eerie lump of land that slowly moves up and down around the moat. The inside of the castle wasn’t much different from the outside. It was as dark as a black cat with only a few candles lit. Statues of the same man were placed everywhere. Pictures of the owner of the castle’s dead relatives were scattered through the rooms of the castle. A white haired man, seeming to appear out of nowhere, came running down the halls. He was carrying a plate of food that was spilling everywhere. Finally he reached the throne room, where a dark figured rested in the throne. The man placed the food in front of the figure and bowed.

“Your supper sire. It is as cold as your heart!”

“Good. The colder the better..I always say! Copy that down for the records!”

The white haired man pulled out a scroll and a pen. He quickly copied down the sentence and placed it in his coat pocket. The man was about to leave when the figure called to him.

“Any news on the search? I am getting angry with the failure of my troops. I know he is on this continent..”

“Well..s-sir..We are trying our best but he is very quick. We almost had him at the tavern but the Black Knight failed..”

“Failure is the last thing you can do for me. I want him in my castle soon. General Yazn will be displeased if he hears my Archers can’t do a thing right. They will all be slaughtered. I don’t want to lose my army..”

“I know sir but all we find is his look alikes. He was based on common humans after all. But the last one..”

“The last one is probably dead. If he was Craid, his arm would have been reattached right then and there. Still I am curious… but it’s too late. I want two more of my Archers to raid the next town. Now get out of my sight!”

The white haired man jumped at the sharp command. He gave a slight bow, almost falling over in fright, and fled back into the darkness. The man on the throne then got up, quietly heading for the window that overlooked the land he owned. No trees grew on the land. Not even a single flower decorated the barren ground. Suddenly, like magic, a single flower petal landed on the sill. Grinning, the man picked it up then tore it in two. Rolling the two pieces into a single ball, he threw it toward the ground. Amazingly, the petal sped toward the ground like a bullet and smashed into the ground like if it was a rock, leaving only a crater. He was a powerful man. He was none other then Captain Gyrun! Strongest man in all of Tarren and the only man who can control the Wicked Archers! He should have found that son of a bot weeks ago! Where was he?! And how dare he hide away from his fate! Unknowingly to him, Craid was closer then he thought…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Are you sure that we are on the right trail?”

“Who is part wolf? Who has a nose that is twice as good as any human? Me. Not you”

“I still think we are heading the wrong way. This place is deader then Death itself!”

“I told you I can find it! Its not like you are capable of doing this..”

Craid’s anger grew a bit. He almost reached out to smack him but stopped short.

“If your nose is so good we would be at Captain Gyrun’s lair! I guess you aren’t as hot as you think you are..”

“Just you watch you big lummox…Just you wait”

Craid kicked a rock down a small hill in anger. As it fell, Surge suddenly took off. Obviously Craid wasn’t paying any attention to him. In fact, Surge wasn’t even paying attention! He kept running and running. I’ll show that big dumb bell that my nose is never wrong. I wouldn’t be the pimp that I am without it! Finally, Surge started to slow down to a halt. He looked behind him to find he was alone.

“Great. Just great. Craid isn’t even here! He probably couldn’t keep up. Heh, I am faster then I thought!”

A sharp pain from his foot. He cried in agony, hopping on one foot. He quickly pulled the object from his bare foot. Blood dripped from the wound as Surge examined the weapon. A simple arrowhead. And where there are arrowheads, there are…

“Wicked Archers. Perfect. At least I know I am near Captain Gyrun’s lair. I knew my nose never fails me. Since I am here I might as well knock on his front door. I can take him. I don’t need a super being to save my skin again. I am no mutt but a true wolf!”

Surge raced toward a patch of land where arrowheads laid. It only took a few minutes of running before Surge saw the castle. It was as horrible as it was at night. Only this time the draw bridge was down and Archers guarded each post on the castle. So much for knocking. Even I can’t survive that many arrows. There has to be some sort of secret entrance. I mean, all baddies have another entrance where the hero makes a surprise attack with it! Surge, however, found one. This one was a fool’s risk. The only entrance was a pipe that traveled into the castle’s water supply. This pipe was located under the draw bridge directly in the moat. Surge saw no other choice so he quietly crept toward the moat. Now this was very hard to do. It was broad daylight and Surge had nowhere to hide. Luckily for him, being a wolf demon, he had the ability to transform into a wolf. His wolf form wasn’t too different from his human form. He had the same colored fur as his hair but his eyes were moon yellow. Small cuts were scattered all over his body, especially around his muzzle. A wolf wouldn’t be too suspicious. They will just think I am here to get a drink of water. Once they turn their attention off me, I dive in. Indeed his plan was working. He got right up to the moat without any arrows targeting him. Surge went through with his plan and started to take a drink from the moat.

“..Something isn’t right here..”

He lifted his muzzle and turned his head to the nearest post where an Archer waited. He was laughing at something. But what? Surge snorted and got ready to dive in. Awaiting him was a long, green, spike covered claw.

“Oh..sh—”

The claw, with quick reflexes, grabbed Surge’s torso and pulled him underwater. Surge tried to struggle out of the creature’s grip but it was too strong. When he opened his eyes, he saw the creature as neither demon nor animal. It had the head of a giant croc but the body of a snake. Spikes covered its entire body, two fangs jutted out from its bottom jaw, and had blood red eyes as big as Surge’s paw. Definitely not demonic. Must be a mutant like Craid. Humans..they think they can rule everything. The mutant looked at Surge hungrily, tightening its grip on Surge. Being a wolf underwater wasn’t Surge’s ideal choice of an activity, so he reverted back to his human form. He tried to swipe at the creature but the water slow downed his attacks. Fighting isn’t an option I see. I’ll have to make a break for it! Something pierced Surge’s leg. It was the arrowhead that he stepped on before! He tore it out of his pants and stabbed the creature right on the snout. It roared in agony as its blood spread through the water. Taking this chance, Surge started to swim toward the area where the pipe laid. The mutant saw him trying to get away and followed him. It was a lot faster then any croc or snake or anything Surge had ever seen before. Finally, the pipe was within reach. Just when he grabbed onto the side of the pipe, a great deal of pain ruptured in his right leg. The mutant had caught up. Its razor sharp teeth quickly tore through his flesh, drinking the blood that entered its mouth. He couldn’t pull himself free. Then Surge got an idea. He ripped the arrowhead from the mutant’s snout and threw it as hard as he could at the surface. When it broke through it continued to speed toward the sky. As if fate pitied Surge, a Wicked Archer saw this.

“..Grrr..Someone must be trying a sneak attack. Stupid croc monster wasn’t worth the gold. At least it well get a raw meal…heheh..”

He placed an arrow in his bow and pulled back on the string. With a sly grin, he released the arrow into the moat. Fresh blood floated to the surface. With a sneer he turned back his attention to the land. He knew his target hit, but the wrong target. Down in the depths of the moat, Surge was nowhere to be seen. The only thing there was the mutant creature, with a single arrow through its head. Instant death. Surge had escaped death and entered the pipe. The pipe lead Surge into the sewers of the castle.

“Beats the moat at least. And it leaves that toilet water aftertaste! Now on to business..”

Unsheathing his saber from his belt, he continued on through the castle. Soon he got to the darkest area of the castle. It was bright enough for Surge to see parts of the hall, but not all of it. Walking toward a wall, he spied a painted picture on it. Using one of his claws, he scratched a goatee and a mustache on the picture.

“Someone is full of himself. Or his family. A lotta photos. I smell Craid’s blood so Captain Gyrun must be near. Now I can get Craid’s vengeance…and mine.”

With a burst of speed, he fled toward the darkness of the hall. Finally he came to the throne room. Though the scent of Craid’s blood was all around him, he didn’t see the sword or Gyrun. Surge’s tail twitched as he walked around the room. It was colder then the rest of the castle and darker. Something inside him told him to run but he trudged on. He felt warm air on his neck. He spun around to only see darkness before him. With a heavy sigh he turned back, only to scare himself silly. Before him was the bode of Captain Gyrun.

“Well well well. What do we have here. A mutt in my castle!”

“Who are you calling a mutt! You buffed up baboon! I came here to kill you not to be insulted!”

“Hm.. Oh yes! You were that wolf demon that was with that boy I killed.”

“Killed? He is…Yes. That’s right. He’s dead as you will be!”

He pointed his saber at Gyrun’s chest. Gyrun made a “huk huk” sound that Surge took as a laugh. Surge could barely see but he heard the sound of metal sliding across leather. His sword was being drawn now. Well this sucks. I can’t see the darn guy. At least I can smell him. He didn’t wash his sword yet. Sweet sweet irony…Surge spun his saber around his fingers.as he walked along the stone floor. Indeed he could smell the blood on his opponent’s blade. It was good enough for Surge. With a twist of his wrist, he struck his saber into total darkness. The sparks from the two blades meeting filled the room with light. Another spray of sparks filled the room. Neither sword met the skin of the enemy.

“You are a very good swordsman demon. If you come off this battle with at least one arm, I’ll let you join my army. A good sword is needed among my Archers.”

“I rather be food for your moat beast then join your army..”

“So be it demon! If you don’t mind, I’ll turn the tide of this battle!”

Surge didn’t hear, smell, or see anything different. He took a lung at Gyrun only to miss. He tried again but missed. What did he do to enhance his speed? It’s twice as fast as before. Or maybe he can smell me too now.. With a single slash, Surge felt all his blood rush to his side. He reached to feel how big his wound was. It wasn’t deep but very long.

“How very clever. You can either smell me or see me better. So which is it you baboon?”

“You are correct. I can see you very well demon. You might have heard of these goggles but I highly doubt it. Lets just say they can let me see even in the darkest abyss.”

Surge recoiled at the thought. How could he fight now? Gyrun can see him while only he can smell him. At least it’s a chance. I can smell my own blood on him, which is just as good as his “goggles”. Surge took a step forward to take another charge at him, but suddenly the scent was gone. Well not entirely. It was a different scent that was all over the room. It was hard to tell Gyrun’s scent from the rest.

“I am so sorry but I forgot your nose is sensitive. And for me to spread yours, your friend’s, and my blood all over the room. How rude of me to hurt your nose demon.”

“..I don’t need it to kill you! I am taking my revenge on what you did!!”

With all his strength, Surge ran into the darkness, slashing at anything. He found no target but he was found. Another slash to his side finally brought him down. His whole body shook from the blood loss. He heard Gyrun chuckling behind him. No. I can’t fail now. I will not let him survive after what he done to..I just can’t!

“The wolf is whimpering like a puppy. Sick twist of fate eh? Well you came to look for a fight and you got it! Didn’t think it would be this hard to defeat a Captain mutt? Well I’ll take your offer to feed you to the beast of my moat.”

“It was sarcasm you denum! The moat monster is dead. Too bad you didn’t make its armor thick. A single arrow took it down..”

Gyrun did not grin anymore. He grinned his teeth and picked up Surge by his neck. It was obvious to Surge now that Gyrun was very strong. He didn’t even sweat when he put pressure on Surge’s neck. Even after that battle he didn’t get tired. I can’t defeat him with my handicapness…There is no way I can even lay a scratch on him.. I have failed you..father...

“I have failed.. I can’t do it.. I am a lousy fighter whose sword should be taken away from!”

“I know you can be an idiot and perv Surge, but you aren’t weak. Just having a trouble without an old friend.”

Surge’s ears perked up. He looked all around him but he didn’t see anyone else. Even Gyrun was curious to who had suddenly joined them. The answer came to them like thunder. A huge section of the east wall was suddenly blown away. Out of the rubble came Craid. Bearing his grin on his lips, he dusted himself off.

“Sorry but did I miss the party? And how come I wasn’t invited!”

“Craid!”

“Craid?!.. So you show yourself at least Craid. I guess I was wrong back at the village. At least now I can see if your skills are as they said..”

“Correct. My creators told you right. So mind telling me how you know them?”

Strangely, Gyrun became to laugh. He dropped Surge to the floor and laughed even harder. When he finally stopped, he took off his goggles and glared at Craid.

“If you want to know that information, you will have to defeat me, the great Gyrun, in battle. If you win, you may learn this information. But if I win, you will come with me.”

“Fair. But I am a tad curious what will become of Surge?”

“If he has a beast form, it would make a nice fur coat. Or maybe he can be target practice..”

Craid, with a flash, ran right in front of Gyrun. He held a claw to his throat.

“Win or lose you will heal him. Then let him go. He does not get involved in this..Deal?”

“Deal. I will beat you here. No running away and no chance of winning. What do you say to that Craid?”

Craid gave a grin. He lift a single claw and taunted Gyrun. His famous taunt he gave before his battles began. Then he only uttered four words.

“I’ll take those odds!"


TO BE CONTINUED
 

its_beca

New member
Joined
Dec 28, 2004
Messages
368
Location
Middle Earth.
Well... I've read better. -_-

I could probably go through a pick out all the little things, but I just can't be bothered. *slaps her-stupid-lazy-self* <<;

So just off the top of my head:

1. Craid seems to switch between casual teen to cocky to this understanding good guy thing with years of wisdom behind him. o_o;; Nyeh, it's hard for me to describe. <_< But his personality doesn't seem constant.

2. Second chapter - the fight scence between Craid and the sea monster reminded me of a typical cartoon type fight. Slipping through tentacles and the likes. :\

3. Everything gets worked out too... "cleanly" if you can call it that. Problems and misunderstandings are fixed to easily. For example, when Craid suddenly understood why Aerin (I like her name by the way. :]) was so eager to get into bounty hunting and why did Surge still have the arrowhead stuck in his pants? o_O
The trying to get in via the pipeline was good though.

4. "and had blood red eyes as big as Surge’s paw. Definitely not demonic." Err... how do you define demonic? 0o

Ya, so.... just keep it up and write some more. I know I've focused on the not-so-great stuff in this post, soz, anyways your flow is good and Surge is a fun character. =D

Oh, and kudos for your spelling and grammer. I have to read through mine too many times before they're relatively mistake free.
 

Ulti

hurr hurr hurr
Joined
Dec 17, 2003
Messages
10,987
Awards
4
Age
32
Location
In my castle, plotting your demise
Writing comes with experience. So I love to hear what is wrong with my mistakes. This is just all coming from my head so everything is bleh

Craid is a tricky soul to figure out. I switch between his teen and old self because in a sense he is still a teen. But he was programed with all this info so he has a lot of wisdom. It just dioesnt come out when he wants it too<<

In my world, the moat beast wasn't demonic by aura and by sight. My demons will look partly human and won't be crossbreeds.

Now the beginning chapters arent supposed to be good. Craid is new to the world outside his island. He is uber strong and as time flows by he will realize how strong he is. I will make the problems get trickier. I just don't want you all to see Craid's talent upfront.

Surge will always be my favorite character to force him to get into trouble with. Oh how fun it shall be when I get my female character in>=)

Love your comments beca.You the best ^.^*huggles*And whoever still reads the fic please tell me what I have done wrong so I can fix it up in the next chapter.
 

its_beca

New member
Joined
Dec 28, 2004
Messages
368
Location
Middle Earth.
*huggles back* No problem, except Craid's "old" self would be the demon portion, right? And if he's programmed to hold heaps of information shouldn't it always be coming out?
Rather than switching between the three... err... different "parts" of him maybe he could be some confused mix of them? Or if you're looking to bring out these various sides to him make it really distinct.

I can only wish you luck in figuring him out. ^^"
 

Ulti

hurr hurr hurr
Joined
Dec 17, 2003
Messages
10,987
Awards
4
Age
32
Location
In my castle, plotting your demise
Ok. I make one thing clear. Craid wasn't originally a demon. He was created machine,demon,human..instant when he breathed life. To make it more simple, he was composed of the atoms that make up metal,dna of a human and dna of a demon. So he doesnt have that kind of old self. Now his old self, I was talking about his wisdom self. For now, Craid has two personalities because he has two different minds(demon and human). So he can be the cocky demon or the intelligent human. Thats why he switches a lot.
 

Alaude Drenxta

\+The Devil's+/ .{Advocate}.
Joined
Apr 9, 2005
Messages
7,306
Age
33
Location
My house?
It seems like CRAID is just the sort of badass you have in almost every story, except for once difference, he doesnt seem to have that utter cockiness to him, which makes you enjoy reading about the character moreso.

Now Surge, he's a badass pimp boy, reminds me of mahself *happy tear* haha. It's really well done UK, gotta give you your props. I enjoy simply even reading the speech of the characters, which is abnormal for me because I'm a frantic for detail. I liked how fun and interesting you made the characters, the use of a comedy releif character always helps the reader ease themself into the story, without high tension that dsitracts them form the finer details and holds them to old thoughts. That way they can read now and reflect later.

The detail could have been expounded on a bit more intricatlely, and you could have possibly done more explaining on the physical features of the castle, or perhaps Gyrun himself, but other than that, nice ;)

8/10 now





NEXT CHAPTER :D
 

Ulti

hurr hurr hurr
Joined
Dec 17, 2003
Messages
10,987
Awards
4
Age
32
Location
In my castle, plotting your demise
This took too long to get back to writing. From now on my writing style will be changed. Now its like a book! Hopefully this will be better!

CHAPTER 6

The sun crept over the barren land ruled by Captain Gyrun. It crawled over the black castle like an insect. Craid covered his eyes as the light entered the hole in the eastern wall of the room. Gyrun’s body glistened with sweat and blood as the light filled the room.

“The sun..A wretched thing. It gives life and light, both of which I hate..”, growled Gyrun. “I prefer the moon. Dark, cold, and creates fear. Now lets not have dawn ruin out battle!” Gyrun clicked his fingers. Two Wicked Archers entered the room with drapes. They started to cover up the hole. Then they walked over to the only window and pulled on a brown rope. The curtains fell over the window, blocking the sunlight. The room once again became dark.

“Hehe. Did you forget that the sun gives the moon light? That is why the moon shines in the night sky. Without the sun, the moon wouldn’t be seen. Without light, darkness can’t exist. A regular fact of life,” chuckled Craid.

Gyrun frowned. Grinding his teeth, he then said “Cocky as ever. Now, that we have settled the bet, can we please get on with this?” Gyrun twirled his sword between his fingers. “My weapon of choice is my trusty blade. Don’t tell me you shall go by brute strength!”

Craid cracked his knuckles and then his neck. He thrusted his right arm forward, and then his left. “Why not? Its all I have after all”, said Craid. Gyrun grinned and pointed the tip of his blade at Craid. They both stared coldly at each other, neither one making a move.

Without warning, Craid charged toward Gyrun. Gyrun lifted his sword, ready to block the attack. Claws and swords locked with each other. Craid did all he could to push Gyrun backward, but he underestimated Gyrun’s strength. Gyrun slowly lifted one hand from the handle of his sword. Using the hand he grabbed onto one of Craid’s horns. Amazingly, he lifted Craid in the air. How could this be? He is twice as powerful as my scanners tell.

“Oh come on! The Craid I was told about wouldn’t be this weak. I guess I’ll just have to tear you limb from limb to find what I am looking for!” Gyrun started to spin around and around. Craid’s body followed Gyrun’s movements. Craid felt Gyrun’s cold hand leave his horn. His body was thrown across the room, smashing into a wall. Craid grunted as he got up. Little damage was done to his body but it still was painful. He looked up to find his enemy. Did he ever. Gyrun was right in his face for another attack. He landed a right upper cut then comboed with a fist to the gut. Craid once again smashed into the same wall. Craid gasped for air, clutching his stomach.

“You are very disappointing. You were created to bring pain, make others suffer, and create destruction upon the lands of this world. And yet you are as harmless as Zupo bird.” He swiftly kicked Craid in the face. Blood dripped from Craid’s nose. Some of it got onto Gyrun’s boots. “Now you got your dirty blood on my new boots. I’ll just have to make you suffer even more,” Gyrun said, picking Craid up by the collar. He looked him over, looking for something. “Hm, I wonder if it is true that your tail is made of the strongest metal ever created. A perfect sword could be created from your tail. I do hope you don’t mind me when I slice it off.”

Gyrun raised his sword to strike. As he brought it down, Craid raised both hands, stopping the blade. “If there is one thing I won’t stand for is losing my tail. You won’t be taking it!” Craid lifted his head back then smashed it into Gyrun’s skull. Gyrun fell backward to the blow, losing his grip on Craid. Craid took this chance to get as much distance between him and Gyrun. What was I thinking?! This man is too strong for me. He shouldn’t! When I first saw him, I was stronger. Now he is the strong one. There must be something giving him power.

Craid looked around the room. There was no sign of anything that could be of use. Maybe it is in another part of this castle. Something that could be sending waves might be possible. I can’t go and find out. Gyrun will be able to catch up to me…Of course! Craid once again searched the room. Lucky for him, when Craid head butted him he cracked his goggles. “Surge! Where are you pal? I need a little help,” yelled Craid. At first, only Craid could hear his own breathing.

“Aye, not so loud Craid! I was trying to rest up but now you need a helping hand. So much for all powerful..” Craid smiled and cupped his hands around his mouth. “I need you to find some kind of machine that is getting Gyrun his power! Check everywhere in the castle while I hold him off!”, Craid yelled. He took the sudden rush of footsteps a yes. Craid nodded and went off in search of Gyrun. “I may not have a nose like Surge’s or the ability to see in the dark, but I will not lose this battle. Now we will see who is disappointing!” With a bloodthirsty cry, Craid ran into the depths of the room, hopefully not to his doom…

Surge was on the move already. Searching from room to room, he sniffed out every object in his path. Yet, nothing he found was of any use. “This is getting annoying. How in the world am I supposed to find some kind of device that makes Gyrun stronger?” growled Surge. Picking up one of the many statues that scattered the castle, he tossed it into a wall. What he didn’t expect was for the statues to go through the wall. “What in the world…By my fluffy tail, it is a secret passage. Clever of Gyrun to put a cloaking device on it. Yet, he is stupid enough to have nothing protect it. Let us see what he is trying to hide here!” Taking a deep breath, Surge walked through the cloaked door.

The passage led to what looked like a miniature lab. All the technology amazed Surge. Buttons flashed and men in white coats ran through the lab. All but one noticed Surge. “H-hey! You sir! You are not authorized t-to be here!”, sputtered the man. Surge ignored the man and walked through the lab. The rather small man ran after Surge, trying to get his attention. “So human, what do these machines do?”. The stopped, catching his breath. He then said “None of your beeswax you..you demon! Captain Gyrun told me to never tell anyone of this machine!” Surge rolled his yes and dropped down to his knees to the man’s eye level. “So in other words, your machine is not doing what it is supposed to and you are a laughing stock” The man stomped his feet in anger. “No it is working perfectly! Right now Captain Gyrun is beating that beast into a pulp to our ma…” The man just realized he was tricked but he was too late. Surge was pressing every button in his reach. The rest of the men in the lab began to notice Surge. Setting aside their work, they rushed to pull the wolf demon off the machine. “Stop it! You are going to break it!” they said together. They tried pulling, pushing, and kicking Surge to stop it. But being a demon, Surge wouldn’t get off. “Oooooh! What have we here?”, Surge cooed. “It is a big red button. Something in me says to leave it be but my badass side says to push it. Thank the gods I only listen to the badass!” With a beep, all the lights in the lab turned off. Everyone became quiet, waiting for something.

The main screen turned on. The words “Warning! Self-Destruct Sequence Activated” flashed across the screen. “So you installed a self-destruct button. What kind of scientist puts a button that could destroy the building on a machine they worked years on?” The small man spoke again. “Union issues..You had to be there.” Surge nodded as the count down began. 30 seconds to escape from the room. Plus, he had to get all of the scientists out. “Now get out of here you humans. Scram!” It didn’t take long for the others to scramble out of the lab with wet pants. Surge was just passing through the cloaked passage when he heard the countdown reaching to 10. “Wait a minute..or at least 5 seconds. If the lab explodes, the force will escape from this opening and into the castle. Thus will the castle explode too. This is a bunch of bull! Craid so owes me for this!” Thinking quickly, Surge got all the statues and other objects in the room and stuffed them into the opening. With the speed only he could control, he ran two room lengths, just out of reach of the explosion. The force of the chaos rocked the entire castle…

The fight between Craid and Gyrun was still about. Craid had the slight advantage over Gyrun since Gyrun was blind as a bat in the dark. But Gyrun was still stronger. The battle seemed to be over. Craid was against the wall with Gyrun’s sword to his neck. “So..Craid. How does it feel? To wonder why you live. To want to know why you are different from everyone else. And yet, you can never know these answers. That is because you are too weak. A failure.” Craid choked on the blood that was flowing in his mouth. This can’t end like this. I can’t lose to a guy like this. I shall not…

The loudest bang that ever could be heard entered the room. It boomed across the walls, shattering the window in the room. Gyrun had to drop Craid to block the sound from his ears. Craid took this chance to scramble from the floor and back on his feet. “What are those idiots doing down there?!? When I get my hands on them I’ll…I’ll…” Gyrun stopped mid-sentence. He started to pat his clothing as if he was looking for something he lost. “What’s going on here?!! My strength..It’s fading!” Craid stared at Gyrun. It was like seeing a balloon deflate. Gyrun’s muscle grew smaller, but still noticeable. “So,” Craid sneered, “this is the true Gyrun. A pathetic weakling using technology to make you seem powerful. Now its my turn to show you MY power!” Gyrun was quickly on the defense. But without his fake muscles, Craid overpowered him. With a kick, a punch, and an another kick, Gyrun was defeated. Now it was Craid who was holding up Gyrun by the collar. “I’ll be taking my prize now. The knowledge of your mind. Tell me about my creators and their link to your kind!”, growled Craid. Gyrun closed his eyes, sighing. “Fine. I’ll let you on one thing that could help you. I am a man of my word. Your creators and the Dark Kingdom had a deal see? We gave them something and they gave us something..haha. Or should I say they would have gave us something. And the something is you. That is all I know.” Craid did not loosen his grip on Gyrun. “Are you sure that is all you know Gyrun..”, said Gyrun. Gyrun nodded and clenched his fist. “Yes! I told you! That is all I know you wretched beast! Now get your claws off me.” Craid gave a slight smile. He raised his hand in the air, gathering his claws in one position. “Wrong answer denum!” Craid smashed his clawed hand into Gyrun’s gut. Gyrun gasped as the cold hand of Death wisped his life away. His once clenched hand fell limp.

Surge ran in the room just in time to see the death of Gyrun. “Nice work there Craid. Did you really had to kill him? We are in enough trouble with the law as it is!” Craid let Gyrun’s body hit the floor as he walked over his demon friend. “He was lieing to me. Our deal was if I beat him he would tell me everything he knew about the connection between my creators and the Dark Kingdom. He kept a lot of secrets so I had to kill him. He didn’t deal me my full prize.” Surge titled his head in confusion. “How did he know he was lieing?” asked Surge. Craid pointed with his head at the body. “His body temperature grew, perspired a lot, and his tongue was purple. Kidding on the tongue thing though. So I guess you were the little the idiot who caused that loud bang.” Surge chuckled and patted Craid on the back. “Yup. Just call me a nuisance.”

As they walked out of the castle, Craid turned to Surge. “So why aren’t any Archers chasing after us to avenge their leader again?” Surge looked back on the castle. It was barren as the land itself. No Archers could be seen. “That is very odd. I wouldn’t know. But we shouldn’t let it bug us. We are heroes! We defeated a tyrant!” Craid smiled, throwing his hands behind his head. “One last question. Before I interrupted your battle, you said you had get yourself vengeance. Care to explain to me?” Surge stopped walking. The wind began to blow, ruffling his hair. “Long ago when I was only a pup, Gyrun was in my village. He was picking up fighters to be in his army. Lets just say he didn’t want volunteers. I never saw my father after he left.” Craid stopped walking too. His hair drooped a little as he walked back to Surge. “I am truly sorry for you. But you got your vengeance right?” Surge nodded. He said “Ya. Thanks to you…wait a minute! You heard me talk about my father? I said that before I was fighting Gyrun! I could have left here without this blood loss!” Craid laughed and ran ahead while Surge was chasing him down. One villain dead. But how many more will be in our hero’s path. Only fate shall know this answer and never reveal it till then.
 

Cael

Silver Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
2,690
Location
Japan
Website
tinyurl.com
good chapter UK ^^ the ONLY bad thing that u need to fix with your story is...............

GETTING IT OUT THERE :p Come on now UK. I'll help you ^^
 

Ulti

hurr hurr hurr
Joined
Dec 17, 2003
Messages
10,987
Awards
4
Age
32
Location
In my castle, plotting your demise
I am trying to be one of those writers who don't force people to read. I guess it's my fault=P I am too good a person to advertise. I don't know why but I don't like advertising<<
 

darkisaac

Member
Joined
Dec 17, 2003
Messages
548
Awards
4
Age
33
Website
www.freewebs.com
but its not a bad idea to expand your story, post it on other sites

im sure others will like it just as much ^^

btw, i just read one of the chapters again.
just a tip, for the fight with the sea monster, you used the word tentacle several times in succession, in the same paragraph.
try using pronouns, or synonyms to make the story have a more smooth flow to it. thesaurus.com is a good site if u need synonyms.
don't worry, it's a mistake everyone makes, I often find myself having to edit small details that I don't see the first time I read through my story. (example: I recently checked my fan fic, I used Axel's name like 5 times in only like 3 sentences XD )
 

Hokage

Banned
Joined
Jun 18, 2005
Messages
1,927
Awards
2
Age
34
Location
Thugz Mansion
Wow Ulti. Seriously suspensful. I was like "WTF Surge is going to die? Nuuuu!!!"

Anyways, sorry about the lateness of commenting. Busy Busy, ya know? Anyways, another good set of chapters. It's entertaining and a good read. My little brother read the whole thing with me just now and he wants you to hurry up and get some new chapters up as do I =D. So I say again, great chapter and keep em coming. I promise I'll never be this late to comment again xD
 

Zearth

Ashy to Classy
Joined
Mar 12, 2005
Messages
2,537
Age
32
Location
Carson, CA
Say hello to your new fan, Shady. Very interesting characters, and I cheated by skimming ahead, so I discovered your solid action presentation. I didn't get to read thoroughly, but I will when I get around to doing it. I like that it seems modern, with a few medievil thrown in. And you seem like a subtle type of writer, and those type alway make for my favorite types of fiction. So keep up the good work. It wouldn't hurt to advertize a little. But if you don't want to, I can understand that as well. I don't like to force people to read either.....but its a necessary evil XD
 

Ulti

hurr hurr hurr
Joined
Dec 17, 2003
Messages
10,987
Awards
4
Age
32
Location
In my castle, plotting your demise
More or less..My fic is a future type throwing in medievil cameos. Going into the future while preserving the past. I am glad you liked it. And once I learn how to advertise without a swell head, I'll do it.=)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top