Before anyone says anything, i like exploring myself through music lyrics, and apologies, this mentions the English method of education, not the American
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Simple Plan - Welcome To My Life
For the first five years of my secondary education, this was pretty much me. From Day 1 i was the outcast in school, just imagine a class of 29, all on twin desks, yep you probably guessed it, i was the loner right at the front who no-one wanted to really know about or really notice. I kind of got on okay with the 'smart' kids in the class, but because of the fact that i myself wasn't as intelligent as they were (to be frank i was probably the dumbest in the form), people found a way to exploit this, and try and separate me from them through mental bullying which i soaked up inside me and have yet to relieve myself of this burden, thus increasing the self urge to stay away from things, and remain by myself. You know there's a problem in your life when a teacher asks 'Chris, do you have any friends here??' and you lie to them. What perhaps annoyed me the most was the one time i plucked up the courage to report it, the school did nothing about it, automatically taking the words of the bullies as truth over mine. This kinda lost whatever confidence i had with myself for a while, and remained who i had been since i started secondary education. I had some very good friends outside of school, but neverhad the confidence to talk to them about this either, nor my parents. Years 10-11 were slightly better for me as we swapped forms over, but i never truly felt as though no-one acknowledged my existance, and at times even the teachers.
Somehow i managed to get good enough (although i don't consider 3As, 4Bs and 2Cs to be anything special in comparison to the vast majority getting straight A's), and at my school, at 6th form level, Girls are allowed into the school.
I kinda used this time initially as a form of re-incarnation for me on the social front, and for the first time in years, i had people at school that i was proud to call 'my friends', some of whom were new folk, whilst others were those seeing me in a new light. However this didn't change me totally, although i wasn't the loner, some teachers continued to ignore me, whilst others i couldn't muster the confidence to talk to, even answering questions in class at times i found difficult as my heart would suddenly pump like mad whenever a question was directed towards me, as this is what my school life was like before sixth form.
I instantly became friends with a few girls who i would classify as perhaps some of my best friends. One of them in particular i became close friends with quickly, and as ice-breaker coversation i mentioned the fact that one of my hobbies was writing poetry, and set me a challenge to write her a poem in two hours, of which i did with ease. At lunch i gave it to her and she was really grateful for it, the only problem was that someone managed to have a look at it, and automatically assumed it was a 'love poem' and some folk began taunting me over this. ALthough to them it may've seen to be a joke, but to me this really hurt me mentally, and was probably perhaps the lowest point of my school career.
A few weeks later, the girl i wrote the poem began talking to me walking home from school (we live on a similar-ish route when she's staying with her dad), and asked whether i fancied her. Now for someone who'd barely talked to a girl outside family before this came as quite a shock, and to be honest (in hindsight) i regret what i said, which was 'No'.
Tracking back a little bit, in the lower years when i was alone, i would always just sit their and comprehend matters by myself, and was one of those people who liked to spend time thinking of every possible solution to a question, which most of the time was hypothetical, and this ideal continued into sixth form, which was why i felt uncomfortable with answering questions in class, as well as exams as i like to sit, think, evaluate, re-evaluate and only then come to an answer.
When it came to the girl asking me whether i fancied her (i don;t mind using my name online, but not others), my brain automatically clicked in gear regarding this question and immediately went straight down the 'worry route' i.e. the what if i say yes, what does this mean, how can i tell other people about this, what about parents, what would i do on a date etc. etc., which quite frankly is hypothetical bullsh*t, but that's me.
So as mentioned, i said no to spare myself from all these hypothetical questions mentioned above and more. Which she was rather cool with, saying how she may've felt pressurized into this because apparently people were mildly taunting her about the poem as well and some other things, as well as saying she was glad we were friends, of which we are to this day.
Although for a period of time i began to fancy another girl (being unable to muster the confidence to ask her out as well), but when it came to exam results, i realised that i performed disastrously and opted to retake Year 12 again.
The issue is that come December, even though i see her less around school now, i started having feelings for the first girl again, and i'm slowly mustering the confidence up to physically ask her out. But the question that rattles my brain is, 'Is it worth it??'.
I have another year at school, she's off to Warwick at the end of September, and was wondering whether its worth asking the question, as hypothetically we would (if she said yes) be together for a total of 5 ish months before the parting of the ways, and i don't really want to comprehend in my mindset what to do afterwards??
If anyone whose read this far (sorry, i bet it was a bore) and has any ideas they wish to share regarding the situation at hand, then i'd be very grateful...
~chay
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Simple Plan - Welcome To My Life
For the first five years of my secondary education, this was pretty much me. From Day 1 i was the outcast in school, just imagine a class of 29, all on twin desks, yep you probably guessed it, i was the loner right at the front who no-one wanted to really know about or really notice. I kind of got on okay with the 'smart' kids in the class, but because of the fact that i myself wasn't as intelligent as they were (to be frank i was probably the dumbest in the form), people found a way to exploit this, and try and separate me from them through mental bullying which i soaked up inside me and have yet to relieve myself of this burden, thus increasing the self urge to stay away from things, and remain by myself. You know there's a problem in your life when a teacher asks 'Chris, do you have any friends here??' and you lie to them. What perhaps annoyed me the most was the one time i plucked up the courage to report it, the school did nothing about it, automatically taking the words of the bullies as truth over mine. This kinda lost whatever confidence i had with myself for a while, and remained who i had been since i started secondary education. I had some very good friends outside of school, but neverhad the confidence to talk to them about this either, nor my parents. Years 10-11 were slightly better for me as we swapped forms over, but i never truly felt as though no-one acknowledged my existance, and at times even the teachers.
Somehow i managed to get good enough (although i don't consider 3As, 4Bs and 2Cs to be anything special in comparison to the vast majority getting straight A's), and at my school, at 6th form level, Girls are allowed into the school.
I kinda used this time initially as a form of re-incarnation for me on the social front, and for the first time in years, i had people at school that i was proud to call 'my friends', some of whom were new folk, whilst others were those seeing me in a new light. However this didn't change me totally, although i wasn't the loner, some teachers continued to ignore me, whilst others i couldn't muster the confidence to talk to, even answering questions in class at times i found difficult as my heart would suddenly pump like mad whenever a question was directed towards me, as this is what my school life was like before sixth form.
I instantly became friends with a few girls who i would classify as perhaps some of my best friends. One of them in particular i became close friends with quickly, and as ice-breaker coversation i mentioned the fact that one of my hobbies was writing poetry, and set me a challenge to write her a poem in two hours, of which i did with ease. At lunch i gave it to her and she was really grateful for it, the only problem was that someone managed to have a look at it, and automatically assumed it was a 'love poem' and some folk began taunting me over this. ALthough to them it may've seen to be a joke, but to me this really hurt me mentally, and was probably perhaps the lowest point of my school career.
A few weeks later, the girl i wrote the poem began talking to me walking home from school (we live on a similar-ish route when she's staying with her dad), and asked whether i fancied her. Now for someone who'd barely talked to a girl outside family before this came as quite a shock, and to be honest (in hindsight) i regret what i said, which was 'No'.
Tracking back a little bit, in the lower years when i was alone, i would always just sit their and comprehend matters by myself, and was one of those people who liked to spend time thinking of every possible solution to a question, which most of the time was hypothetical, and this ideal continued into sixth form, which was why i felt uncomfortable with answering questions in class, as well as exams as i like to sit, think, evaluate, re-evaluate and only then come to an answer.
When it came to the girl asking me whether i fancied her (i don;t mind using my name online, but not others), my brain automatically clicked in gear regarding this question and immediately went straight down the 'worry route' i.e. the what if i say yes, what does this mean, how can i tell other people about this, what about parents, what would i do on a date etc. etc., which quite frankly is hypothetical bullsh*t, but that's me.
So as mentioned, i said no to spare myself from all these hypothetical questions mentioned above and more. Which she was rather cool with, saying how she may've felt pressurized into this because apparently people were mildly taunting her about the poem as well and some other things, as well as saying she was glad we were friends, of which we are to this day.
Although for a period of time i began to fancy another girl (being unable to muster the confidence to ask her out as well), but when it came to exam results, i realised that i performed disastrously and opted to retake Year 12 again.
The issue is that come December, even though i see her less around school now, i started having feelings for the first girl again, and i'm slowly mustering the confidence up to physically ask her out. But the question that rattles my brain is, 'Is it worth it??'.
I have another year at school, she's off to Warwick at the end of September, and was wondering whether its worth asking the question, as hypothetically we would (if she said yes) be together for a total of 5 ish months before the parting of the ways, and i don't really want to comprehend in my mindset what to do afterwards??
If anyone whose read this far (sorry, i bet it was a bore) and has any ideas they wish to share regarding the situation at hand, then i'd be very grateful...
~chay
Except with an extra B 'cause my school does 10 for some reason...)