Fanfiction ► Excerpt from upcoming KH fanfic.

[RememberRoxas]

So i'm making a fanfic that should be completed by next month or so, and I've got the main idea for the story in my head.So i'll post an excerpt from a chapter not too far into the story.Alot will be changed when my story really come out because i don't want to reveal too much.CnC is welcome.​

My story follows the adventures of Exotl(thanks to tenyasyugan for the name), a teenager in the futuristic city of Radiant Garden.Heartless and Nobodies are scarce, but a new force with evil motives is on the rise, and Exotl and his buddies must find out how to stop them.

Exotl woke up in the dark depths of Radiant Gardens crystal caves.He rubbed his eyes, stood up and wearily walked outside.
It was a beautiful day in Radiant Garden.Exotl stood on the cliff of a colossal hill.In the distance he could see the skyscrapers of Irvania, the city in which he grew up in.To the west he could see the ruins of The Hollow Bastion castle, which he heard that it was ruled by the evil Malificient.To the east he saw The King's castle.He enjoyed such a magnificient sight as he sat down and began to close his eyes.
"Dosing off in the caverns,I see." said a voice behind him.
Exotl opened his eyes in shock, and twisted around to see one of his best friends, Nemora.
(thanks again to Tenyasyugan for the name!)
"Weren't you fetching Wolf pelts for Crusoe?" continued Nemora.
"Yeah but i happened to-"Exotl tried to reply.
"Oh, I've heard all your lame excuses, don't think you can fool me."Nemora rolled her eyes.
"Okay,Okay, I'll hunt some wolves.Relax"
"I'll come with you to help you out and to make sure your not slacking off."
"Sheesh, your not my mom!"
30 minutes later Nemora and Exotl returened to the place they were earlier.
"Hey,Nemora.Do you ever dream of once having the Keyblade?"questioned Exotl.
"Well, there is only a few in existence."replied Nemora.
"I've heard a legend that once there were many Keyblade bearers.Like hundreds or thousands."
"That's bull-"
They heard the loud sound of an explosion coming from the east.Smoke clouded The King's castle and pieces of debris were flying though the air.The castle was on fire and 100's of unknown soldiers were lined up near the entrance.
"Oh no.The King's under attack!!!"yelled Exotl​

Whaddya think?

 

[Sawah]

Okay, I really like it, but only a few things:

"When you're putting things in quotations," you need to put a SPACE afterwards. You did it a few times and it annoyed me. And, the very last sentence you didn't put a period. Punctuate, punctuate, punctuate!

And, Body Language, Body Language, Body Language! These two people are having a fight and I don't know if they're near each other or far away, or if they're making motions when the other one is talking! Just make sure you tell when someone is moving or showing a distinct expression.

Also, I'm really not feeling the centered text. It's confusing. And, I'm also not liking the bright red font. It hurts my eyes, and I'm sure it will hurt others too.

ONE LAST THING! You rushed. A lot. Exotl's hunting wolves and all of a sudden the castle is under attack. Slow it down a bit, so you have longer chapters, and something for the people to look forward to more.

But away from critizism, I like it! The story's plot seems interesting, and there's a half-cliffhanger thingy going on. I'm looking forward to what the rest of the story is. Don't give up!

 

[RememberRoxas]

Thanks for the advice.
i did rush.This weekend ima put Mega Man 9 down,get on the computer,and type down a detailed first chapter.And right now ill change the red font

 

[Sawah]

Ahhh, looks much better

 

[Snow]

Looks interesting. But you strayed too fast into the main storyline. It was far too abrupt. One moment they were talking, the next the castle was under attack. You should have expanded further into the entire situation.

 

[RememberRoxas]

Looks interesting. But you strayed too fast into the main storyline. It was far too abrupt. One moment they were talking, the next the castle was under attack. You should have expanded further into the entire situation.

Yeah i know.I didn't want to put any story spoilers in.

 

[Tenyas]

You don't have to keep on thanking me for the names you know, I'm perfectly fine with just one thanks.

You did a good job but as others are saying, you rushed. A few punctuation errors and maybe start using He and Him a bit more.