Fallen Soldier [Sonnet]

[chaywa]

The words of the dead ring in my eardrums
Their shrill screams haunt my ev'ry waking thoughts
As I lay dying, staring at the sun
Wondering 'bout battles I hath not fought


Crimson blood trickles down my exposed leg
As pale colours dash across my cold eyes
like a deer prancing near the water's edge
while birds twitter and venture t'wards the sky


The ambush orchestrated had failed
My fellow friends gone like moth to a flame
I see the boat and he says “lets set sail,
Doth Elysium is where ye shall lay”


“Is this the end most mightiful Hermes?”
“My son, death only exists in man's dreams”


Yeah it sucks, go...

 

[Twilight_Path]

Wondering 'bout battles I hath not fought

Other than that, twas excellent. Nice closer at the end, very thought-provoking.

Good one, mate.

 

[chaywa]

Christ i must've been getting that word wrong for the last 19 years now...weird.

Cheers for the input

 

[Enchanted Rose]

Quite unusual to choose the sonnet form for a war poem - but it makes it somehow uncomfortably quirky. I also quite like the return to a more classical, perhaps primitive, view of death.

There's some nice images, this sort of reminded me of Birdsong.

Yet I also think it could be better....

What inspired you to write it?

 

[chaywa]

Quite unusual to choose the sonnet form for a war poem - but it makes it somehow uncomfortably quirky. I also quite like the return to a more classical, perhaps primitive, view of death.

There's some nice images, this sort of reminded me of Birdsong.

Yet I also think it could be better....

What inspired you to write it?

I had a Creative Writing workshop earlier that day where we were speed writing different poetic structures (villanelle's are a bitch), and had a quick stab at a sonnet, especially a Shakespearen one (10 syllables and an ABABCDCDEFEFGG structure). Just an idea that materialised at the time, didn't really put much effort into the thought process, it just kinda've appeared in all honesty.

I should start writing poetry more mereckons, it's kinda fun (albeit i've got some long-ass scripts that need finishing as well, sigh)

Cheers for the feedback though