The young man was walking down the familiar street. He listened to the voices around him, the night was so peaceful, the people so happy. Well, as happy as they could be. The Country was ruled by an evil man named Tallan Luminara. Most people felt the evils of his rule, and the evils of others. But some, like the Lucky few living in the Capital and the cities around it, felt none of this.
I have a few suggestions here.
1.) What was it about the street that made it familiar? I think you could add a few more details to show exactly
how it was so familiar to this young man. Maybe it's because it's close to his house, or he walks down this street everyday?
2.) Why was the night peaceful? Does Tallan Luminara come to the town to cause havoc? Or is the town under political/economic unrest (aside from being ruled by this evil)?
Parades like these were rare, but always raised the Moral of the People in the town or city. As the young man walked around the town, his hair flowed in the wind, his icy blue eyes flitting about, watching the people. He smiled lightly, noticing how happy everyone was, he enjoyed this time of year the most. Then his eyes caught something. It was a poster of three performers. The poster advertised a show they were doing this whole month, even though the parade lasted only a week.
1.) In the first sentence, I think you mean morale? Also, I don't think that 'moral' and 'people' need to be capitalized.
2.) When you say that his eyes are 'icy blue' I'm kind of getting the first impression that this character is cold or mean, like ice. Personally, I would have said something like, "his blue eyes, which matched the color of ice". And on a side note, I don't really have a problem with this description, but keep in mind that ice is transparent.
3.) I'd replace the word 'this' with 'the' in the last sentence, if you want to keep the word 'whole'. Or, you could just remove the world 'whole'.
4.) Mentioning that the parade lasts a week is a good piece of information to give background to the story, but unless it's foreshadowing something, I don't think it's necessary to include it in the same sentence as the mention of the dancer's show. I'd put it at the beginning of the paragraph, where you mention that the parade is rare. You could say something like, "The parades were rare, and despite only lasting a week, always raised the morale of the people of the cities and towns."
The Young Man was surprised as well as intrigued. He never really enjoyed shows, but something about this one seemed different. He began walking towards the local theatre. He noticed the crowd was large, as he approached the door; he began to wonder if there would be any tickets left. When he reached the door, he learned he had gotten the last ticket. Must be my lucky day, he thought to himself.
1.) I don't think that 'Young Man' should be capitalized, unless you're going to refer to the protagonist as this throughout the story. If so, it's ok, and just ignore this comment.
2.) Did the show seem different because it lasted a month long? This is what I meant about questioning the foreshadowing. Is the show different becuause it lasts a month, despite the parade lasting a week?
3.) It's not really necessary to mention that he thought something 'to himself.' Unless he can communicate by thought, (which I don't think so, reading through this story) he can really only think things to himself, so it's implied.
As he entered the theatre, he found there was a seat on the third row open. He slowly made his way to the seat, reaching it just before the show started. He watched as the curtains slowly pulled off the stage, revealing the dancers. One in particular caught his eye. She wore a short white dress, but also had a diamond necklace. Her long reddish-brown hair twirled with her movements, her bright green eyes shining, reflecting the lights.
1.) What about her caught his eye? Her beauty? The way she carried herself while dancing?
2.) Is the diamond necklace important enough to mention that she has it?
The young man watched the entirety of the show, his eyes constantly being drawn back to the girl, a strange feeling rising in him. As the Show came to an end and the people began to leave, The Young man sat in his seat, thinking. He wondered what the feeling was. Eventually, he left as well, walking outside and feeling the cool night air brush against his skin.
1.) These are probably unintentional, but words like 'young', and 'show' don't need to be capitalized.
2.) You mention within three words that he's doing two thinking actions. He was sitting in his seat, thinking, and he was also wondering. It's a bit redundant, you really only need to use one. The sentences should also be combined.
The Dancer, still wearing her diamond necklace, was the last of her crew to leave; she walked out of the back stage entrance, which led into an alley. As she walked through the alley a group of thugs appeared, startling her. “What is a pretty little girl like you doing out so late all by yourself?” One of them asked. She began to reach for something under her coat.
1.) Again, the diamond necklace is mentioned. Because this is only one chapter, I don't know if it's going to become important, but from what I'm reading, it's not really a necessary detail, because the thugs don't mention anything about wanting to steal it.
Suddenly, she saw each of the three men fall before her; in their place stood another young man. His silver hair shone lightly in the moonlight, his blue eyes seeming to have a gleam of their own. “Are you alright, Miss?” He asked, his voice filled with kindness and concern.
1.) Suddenly is a word that I admittedly use, and I try not to. Adverbs aren't the best way to describe how something happens. There are other ways that you could describe how fast the men fell to the ground. Ex, "Before she could blink twice," or something the reader can relate to, to really get a sense of how fast it happened. Adverbs are usually relative. Suddenly to you and suddenly to me could be two completely different understandings.
“Y-Yes,” The girl answered slowly, startled more by this mans actions than that of the three others, “Wh-Who are you?” She asked timidly.
1.) Again, the adverbs aren't the
best way to describe things. See what I said above.
“My Apologies,” The young man began, “My name is Caden. I’m sorry I can not tell you my last name… Because even I don’t know it… May I ask your name Miss?”
1.) I've been getting the impression that Caden is trying to be formal while he talks to the girl, but by using contractions, which are usually considered informal, it's kind of killing my imagination. If he truly is trying to be formal, he shouldn't talk with contractions.
“Caden….” She said, testing the name on her lips, “Thank you for your help, I’m River… River Vale.”
“Nice to meet you, Miss Vale,” He said with a smile. But in that smile… River saw so much more kindness than she had ever seen before.
1.) When I first read through this, I didn't think that Caden was the same character as the 'young man' from before, which I now think he is. Is he? If so, you could mention his silver hair in the description of him in the second paragraph, I think it is.
2.) Also, how did he know that the dancer was in trouble? You never said that she screamed or anything to alert anyone else to the situation. Was he beginning to leave the theatre and saw her in the alley way? You might want to make this more clear.
OVERALL: I think it's got a pretty good story, I'd love to read more of it, and help critique, if you'd like. The main thing I think you need to work on is adding more detail. There were many places where more descriptions could be added to help give the reader a better understanding of the situation, or the character's emotions. Again, as I said, the story is good, you just need to work on the descriptive writing.