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Help/Support ► I injured my asshole father



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Dentim

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So yeah, first a bit of background: all throughout my life he pretty much ignored me and favored the rest of my siblings. He forms opinions without even trying to get the facts straight. The way he treats me boils down to this example: I work my ass off all day long (doesn't matter what, usually chores or until recently finding a job, finally succeeded there) when I take a break and he gets home and sees me, he treats it as if I haven't done shit all day long (even when all the weeds have clearly been pulled or whatever I did) He insists I'm lazy and never help around anywhere, despite the fact (acnowledged by my younger brother) that I've done at least as much as my older and all of my cousins (who I have no problem with btw) put together in the last ten years. (there's always something to be done in my family)
He believes he's ALWAYS right and can't take it whenever you prove him wrong. To him, a discussion means that he talks and you agree (he doesn't do that only with me btw). He actually becomes aggressive whenever you get too close to proving him wrong. If you try to go further, threatening with violence is his modus operandi. Also expect him to make adjustments to whatever claim he made when he finds out he was wrong and claims you're either an idiot for thinking he was wrong or that you misheard the previous time.

So last night, after my little sister's birthday party (everyone except my mom, sis and bro had already left), he had to much to drink and we got into an argument again (stupid shit about old filmrolls vs digital photography). He brings up the whole lazy deal again and tells me to shut it. But I'm too pissed of at this point (final drop) to stop and keep telling him he's wrong. So he actually goes trough with his threaths and attacks me. Out of instinct I grabbed the first thing I could (his finger) and twisted it and broke it.
He hasn't called in the cops or anything, but off course, now he claims he never attacked me at all and that I was out of line. He already told my uncles about "what happened" but according to my brother, they thankfully didn't believe him because of 2 things:
1) they where there yesterday and had a fair idea of how much he had to drink (from the moment they arrived at least)
2) mostly because of the claim that I initiated the attack. Anyone who actually knows me knows I never initiate.
According to him, by the way, breaking his finger (even though I wasn't really thinking at the moment) was a cheap shot.

So, now I'd like to ask you all, what do you think about it? Was what I did wrong? How do you think you would've reacted? I know that you don't have much reason to believe me, seeing as you're only presented one side of the story, but I'd still like to know what you think.

(Also, I have to say this before anyone gets the wrong idea: he doesn't have a drinking problem. He's an ass and it gets magnified by factor 10 when he's drunk, but that doesn't happen much at all)
 

Narukami

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Umm, move out?

Obviously you're never gonna have a great relationship with him so why live with him?
 

Dentim

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Because I don't have the necessary resources to get out. But the question isn't what I should do (I'm already trying to find alternatives btw) The question is whether you think what I did (breaking a finger) was right or overkill.
 

Silverslide

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Read as I injured my asshole farther

but thats a tough one, you cant just not have a relationship with him, he is your dad. He attacked you so you defended yourself. You're both men, you both should act like it. If its that serious, move out when you can
 

metrifyx

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I don't really think it was wrong; not exactly right either, but what else could you have done? I mean, your father attacked you. It's not like you're going to stand there with your hands in front of your face and let him beat you up. And who knows, maybe he won't threaten you anymore after what happened. I think that worrying about whether you were right or wrong is pointless though, because what's done is done. The most important things to do right now are to a) dispel any and all rumors that your father spreads around about the incident, and b) either try to get on better terms with your father or start working towards moving out. It sounds like you're already starting to do those things, and that's a good start to moving on from what happened.

I hope everything works out for you. C:
 
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Dentim

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It appears that, yes, he did pretty much expect me to do nothing but stand there. He has this insanely strange idea that he deserves respect without doing anything for it, which I disagree with, father or not.
Thing is, at best it would take pretty much half a year at the least before I can move out :S
As for the rumors, so far my brother has stood up for me and it appear even if he didn't, nobody's completely buying what he said. He'll never change though, I know this already. Not even if the entire family would come together and call him out on his bullshit. He'd still be convinced he's right and everyone else is crazy.
 

Klom89

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Because I don't have the necessary resources to get out. But the question isn't what I should do (I'm already trying to find alternatives btw) The question is whether you think what I did (breaking a finger) was right or overkill.

It wasn't wrong. You acted out of instinct. When people are in a "Fight-or-Flight" situation most emotions/attachments/morals go flying right out of the window. Granted, it might not have been the best choice, but there are things that one simply cannot avoid. Plus, if your father was drunk off of his ass and willing to attack you, then HE was in the wrong, not you. (Especially if he has a reputation for things like this, as you said your family has acknowledged)

The only way I would deem it wrong was if you had continued the fight after the finger-breaking.

But like metrifyx says, it's already done. You can't change it now. But I'm sure everybody in this Thread agrees with this: Move out when you can.

And I wouldn't worry about the rumors. If they already don't believe him, then don't argue it anymore. The more your family dwells on it, the more they will overanalyze the situation.,....And that will lead to more drama.

And I know how it feels. I also have an "I'm-always-right" Father, too. (But I'm dorming in a month, so I'm in the clear. ^_^)
 

metrifyx

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It appears that, yes, he did pretty much expect me to do nothing but stand there. He has this insanely strange idea that he deserves respect without doing anything for it, which I disagree with, father or not.
Thing is, at best it would take pretty much half a year at the least before I can move out :S
As for the rumors, so far my brother has stood up for me and it appear even if he didn't, nobody's completely buying what he said. He'll never change though, I know this already. Not even if the entire family would come together and call him out on his bullshit. He'd still be convinced he's right and everyone else is crazy.

I completely agree. Father or not, respect is earned and not given. Although he does give you a place to live, which is nice, but other than that he treats you like a piece of crap so it's unreasonable to expect you to kiss the ground he walks on, especially when you work so hard. Still, I guess you'll have to tread carefully until you're out of there because that's your only place to live for at least six months. I'm glad that you have a brother who will stand up for you, though. It seems like the best thing to do, as Klom said, is to get out of there A.S.A.P. Good luck. <3
 
O

Oberon

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to be fair, he had a lot to drink. i don't care how mad you are at someone, coming at them when they already won't remember it anyway is kinda dumb.

or even if he came at you, just get away from him. or drop the argument all together. this seems unnecessary more than it is overkill... but i guess by that suit it is overkill so meh
 
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I'm assuming it's too far gone at this point, but have you considered telling him what you just told us, only more politely (less candidly to be honest)? The key, I would guess, is not emphasizing that he's wrong, but how he makes you feel.

But trying to mend that relationship won't be possible until this matter is resolved first, which is certainly something that won't be easy to do. You probably broke his pride along with his finger, so with how bitter I imagine he is, your father probably won't be open to rational discussion. Even though you were in the right from what I read, he obviously won't care.

There's not much I can suggest other than to be patient. Things will have to cool down naturally first in order for the matter to be settled, and that may take a while.
 

Taylor

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if he's irreconcilable, he's probably been that way for his entire life and you're definitely not going to get him to change his personality anytime soon. i know it sucks not being recognized for the amount of work you put into something, but you shouldn't be living life and doing what you do to impress him anyway; you should be going out and getting a job for you; working for you; etc. i don't think what you did was wrong; it was self-defense and i would have reacted had he tried to get violent with me too.

he's got a thick skull that you're not going to crack, so just focus on YOU, not him. that's the best advice i can offer.
 

LongLiveLife

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The question is whether you think what I did (breaking a finger) was right or overkill.

Personal opinion: yes, you stepped over the line; you should not have broken your father's finger; it is extremely poor judgment. You didn't need to break anything or seriously injure anyone to defend yourself from this attack. There are many ways you can subdue tension -- with or without physical contact -- that have fewer lasting consequences, but it seems that you wanted this fight as much as him.

Objective opinion: no, breaking his finger once he initiated the attack brings the fewest immediate consequences, because any possibility of the fight escalating is negated.


In terms of advice, I agree with all that's been given so far. Focus on you, not him.
 

Norpthalomus

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Move out as soon as you are able, as you said you are trying to do. It sounds like your father is unchangeable as far as his personality, so don't focus on changing him or even confronting him. Just get yourself out of the situation.

Based on what you've given us, I don't think you were wrong to do what you did. It is unfortunate that his finger had to break, but whatever, it's done now. In the meantime, focus on being as non-confrontational with your father as possible until you can move out.

After some time has passed and you're no longer living under his roof, focus on fixing your relationship, if that's even an option you wish to pursue. Good luck, man.
 

Dentim

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I'm assuming it's too far gone at this point, but have you considered telling him what you just told us, only more politely (less candidly to be honest)? The key, I would guess, is not emphasizing that he's wrong, but how he makes you feel.

I always try to stay polite as much as I can in serious conversations like that. But it gets harder everytime he tries to twist and turn his own words to stop them from backfiring. :/
Sadly, that wouldn't work. He thinks he's always right and never does anything wrong. Leads to a cycle where he can't accept the fact that he may have hurt someone. I literally told him once he never really knew me and when faced with questions, he just walked away. (While trying to laugh it off btw)

Personal opinion: yes, you stepped over the line; you should not have broken your father's finger; it is extremely poor judgment. You didn't need to break anything or seriously injure anyone to defend yourself from this attack. There are many ways you can subdue tension -- with or without physical contact -- that have fewer lasting consequences, but it seems that you wanted this fight as much as him.

Objective opinion: no, breaking his finger once he initiated the attack brings the fewest immediate consequences, because any possibility of the fight escalating is negated.


In terms of advice, I agree with all that's been given so far. Focus on you, not him.

I didn't really want that fight (I try to avoid it as much as I can). Or the finger breaking. I did that more out of instinct than anything else. :/


I'd also like to thank everyone for their advice and kind words. It's been really helpfull to me.
 

keyblademaster73

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i personally think it was the rite thing 2 do.... just becuz he was trying 2 attack you first.
im rly sorry tht you and ur dad have these issues...:( it rly sux...just try 2 get out of there as soon as you can...:)
i wish u the best of luck :)
 

Ace.

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Read as I injured my asshole farther

lololololol.

OP, I don't think you were out-of-line if he attacked you first. You just defended yourself, that's fair. Until you move out, I suppose just try to stay out of his way and hope he strays from yours, that way the tension can just simmer until it dies down.
 
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