Help/Support ► I think I've lost myself

[Sean]

I think this falls under the 'support' category but hey, I'll give it a whirl.

This past year and last summer included, I think I've really turned into someone that did not resemble me at all just 12 months ago. And I can't decide how I feel about it. Before I graduated high school, I was an extremely reserved kid. I mean I was comfortable in my own skin to say the least. Had decent grades, a girlfriend (whom I loved dearly), bros to hang out with and trust in everyone who I had known. I tried my best to refrain from cursing, drugs, alcohol and sex. But I was by no means perfect, I still had issues to work on to better myself into a mature guy that had his act together. Heck, I could even say my faith in God is what shaped a good chunk of my persona.

Be wary of the fact that this was just in a year's span alone. But now, I definitely feel as if any one of you took a video of what I've done in the past year, you wouldn't think I was Christian at all. I've fell away from my faith farther than you can imagine. And don't think this thread is for the Christian audience, but anyone belonging to any other walk of faith or lack thereof can chime in as well. But I digress. I really don't know where or when it happened, I progressively turned into someone I can barely stand looking at in the mirror in the mornings.

I still have a group of friends, but not exactly what I had back at home. The girl I was "semi-dating" (I guess idk) just told me she wanted to move on from me because she couldn't trust me (heck, I don't blame her). I haven't been taking care of my knee to get ready to play football again. My parents don't trust me because I've been arrested twice for possession and they are strict as all get out when it comes to drugs. I have drank at least 3 times a week since I came to college. I have sex close to every weekend with different girls (sometimes 3 in a day, but please understand I'm doing everything but bragging right now). I've lied, cheated, stolen so many times that it's become a habit for me.

And through all of that, I've hurt so many people. I've let people down and ultimately I let myself down because I let myself fall into such a dark route. I can honestly say that if I died today, I have no clue what my afterlife would be. And I'm not gonna sit here and say that the life I'm living now isn't fun, because I'm having a blast. It's just that when I have time to sit and think about it, I'm not happy. At all. I pretty much forgot what it's like to be genuinely happy.

Overall I think a lot of people like me and who I am but the fact of the matter is, is that I hate myself. I don't spill my whole thought process out but I felt that it was a necessary thing to do because I really can't tackle this thing by myself. And it sucks because you can't take anything back. So I guess what I'm asking is would I go about being proud of who I am again? I mean either that, or I'd just like to talk with someone idk.

 

[Wehrmacht]

I don't think having a drink or engaging in a (relatively) harmless drug every now and again makes you a terrible person, as long as it doesn't interfere with your life or responsibilities too much. If you feel that you're doing it in excess though, that's a different story.

If you really dislike what you've become, staying the same will just make you sadder and sadder. You have to take the initiative to become someone you can like. I honestly don't have much insight into the kind of person you are since I've never met you, but I never assume the worst of someone until they give me good reason to do so. I'm sure that you can eventually transition out of it.

 

[Sean]

I don't think having a drink or engaging in a (relatively) harmless drug every now and again makes you a terrible person, as long as it doesn't interfere with your life or responsibilities too much. If you feel that you're doing it in excess though, that's a different story.

I wholeheartedly agree with you. I personally couldn't care less of what someone does in their spare time as long as it doesn't affect me in any way. I'm not gonna pull the "oh I have friends that have been to the lowest of the low" card just because I can, but all I'm saying is that it just doesn't do it for me anymore.

If you really dislike what you've become, staying the same will just make you sadder and sadder. You have to take the initiative to become someone you can like.

As true as this is, it's so much more easier said than done. But I'll take it and run with it.

I honestly don't have much insight into the kind of person you are since I've never met you, but I never assume the worst of someone until they give me good reason to do so. I'm sure that you can eventually transition out of it.

That's understandable. But I surely hope that transition comes sooner than later to be honest.

 

[Eric]

It's crazy, I feel like I'm in a somewhat similar situation as you. We pretty much are just alike in that we were both reserved kids from a Christian background.

My mom was the biggest Christian influence in my life. She raised me and my siblings to be God-Fearing individuals. But after I graduated HS my mom decided she needed to move to New Mexico with my little brother (I used to live in VA) because she was unhappy with her current marriage (she's been married 3 times already). I don't want to get too much into that but essentially her moving away forced me to move to Maryland with my dads family and I could no longer hang out with some of my closest friends to this day. That was about two years ago and I haven't been to church ever since then (my dad's family isn't that religious).

It's been a major struggle for me because my life drastically changed in these past two years. I still keep to my core beliefs of not cursing, doing drugs, sex, etc but it feels as if I'm the only person in the world like me and not in a good way. I don't feel like I really connect with anyone and the people I did connect with are gone. Most of them aren't the same people I used to know either.

My mom came to visit yesterday and I spent the day with her. I just found out that she's got a new boyfriend now, which has made me lose a lot of faith in her. And that in turn is starting to affect my own faith, I don't feel like being the good guy I've always been. But I'm afraid of losing myself too. In the end I think it's better to just keep true to yourself no matter how much other people around you are changing.

 

[Ovafaze]

When I feel I've lost my path or feel low about myself I just drop down on my knees and pray, I was in a similar situation recently and just got down on my knees and I don't think I've ever cried so hard..always keep my bible withing arms reach too, just do what makes you happy man. If your not happy with things now you just have to make a change and see what works.

 

[Sean]

My mom came to visit yesterday and I spent the day with her. I just found out that she's got a new boyfriend now, which has made me lose a lot of faith in her. And that in turn is starting to affect my own faith, I don't feel like being the good guy I've always been. But I'm afraid of losing myself too. In the end I think it's better to just keep true to yourself no matter how much other people around you are changing.

It's funny because I was one of those kids that would begin to think that I could have my fun now and devote my everyday actions to God later when I was older. But when speaking for myself I learned that the wait isn't worth it. By any means. If I could take everything that happened in the past couple months I would in a heartbeat. But I feel for you man.

When I feel I've lost my path or feel low about myself I just drop down on my knees and pray, I was in a similar situation recently and just got down on my knees and I don't think I've ever cried so hard..always keep my bible withing arms reach too, just do what makes you happy man. If your not happy with things now you just have to make a change and see what works.

The sad thing is, is that my Bible is literally just a few inches away from me every night. I've handled everything around it except for my Bible itself. Its collected so much dust that I could barely read the cover page. I opened it for the first time in a long time and read a passage in Romans 5:

"And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

 

[Ovafaze]

^
yep.

Mine was collecting dust too, a few weeks back I was feeling so ashamed of the things I was doing, was a bit hesitant to reach for it, but I did, held that thing close to my chest, tears streaming down my face, then I opened it up and started reading..it really helps me when I'm down, I just flip it open to a random page.

 

[Cosmic+Amarna]

In regards to transitioning or changing your patterns/behaviors etc. I would say that if that is what your aim and goal is to do, then you must make a serious attempt at changing. It is hard and difficult but it can be done. You have to first reflect deeply and determine and figure out what are the things, patterns, behaviors, etc. that are causing you pain or whatever. You have to analyze to a degree, reflect, and come to an understanding. You have to be able to recognize what things, behaviors cause you to be or do a certain way. You have to understand how your choices have reactions and what those reactions are, and what they cause. Think about how these certain patterns bring forth certain results or possibilities. If you can recognize and conceptualize them, you come to a better understanding of things and can change what you wish. Over time with dedication this could happen, patience is of course necessary.

I agree too that if one wishes to do whatever drink, smoke then its their choice etc. But if you are trying to make a realistic change that will be sustainable, drinking and smoking on the reg poses the possibility of inhabitancy. They are essentially short cuts to what we want, not to say I don't do such things, but if one can operate and obtain what they are seeking without taking shortcuts they will find themselves sustainable and independent. Seriously, mediation. For real balancing chakras, breathing exercises, yoga, and reflecting yields real results. Meditation and prayer, observing knowledge and having understanding; and then exercising knowledge so that you are wise instead of wasteful.

I could go on but thats it for now,

 

[Shawty]

Wow, it's like I'm reading my life right here, I definitely get what you're going through since I've experienced same things less than 2 years ago. It's hard when you're actually having a good time but then again when you think about it you're anything but happy. When it comes to the drug/alcohol part I think of when I've gone through hard times with my mom and everything around me, they were like a get away. It's okay to drink or smoke once in a while, I mean I smoke a lot but right now I don't lose myself in it, I know how to control it. It might seem hard at the moment, but you'll have to learn how to trust and love yourself again. Everyone has their way to deal with this, I did it by talking. I think it's a good thing you told your story because it's step 1 to getting yourself back. I was too stupid at first to do that and by piling up every emotion, everything on my mind and what's happening around me I turned into a wreck.
Try doing things to keep your mind off of things that make you feel unhappy, like the guy above me said; meditation is a good way to find yourself again.
But most importantly, talk. Even if it's a stranger you're talking to, you'll definitely feel better once you openly talk about what's bothering you. And don't forget, drugs/alcohol/sex is never the answer to your problems, same for constantly thinking about how it should or could have been. You are who you are and we've all done things we regret but that doesn't mean we shouldn't move on from it. Hope you'll feel better soon!

 

[Sean]

Thanks everyone. I feel just a bit better today. I stayed up until about 4 or 5 am with my thoughts racing like no other. I know making a change will be difficult, but I'm a confident person and confident in my ability to make those necessary changes in my behavior. Still, I find myself inclined to just go off the hammer but hey, who says life isn't met with temptations?

 

[Ðari]

I read this, I was in disbelief. Literally had no idea, especially since to me Sean you've been a little brother.

Just, for what its worth everyone has the capacity to do things that are unlike themselves that they know. Genuinely because doing something once will constitute a repeat at some point. Getting to the point where you think about it in this manner, i will keep it a hundred with you, it doesn't serve to help at all man. Feeling the way you do should be your "moral cancer" telling you virtually what you should be against.

Get a hobby, do something else to preoccupy your time. Put yourself around people that you genuinely feel comfortable around that doesn't give you the urge to jeopardize "you yourself".

 

[king_mickey rule]

It seems you have lost your ways a bit. Do not worry though, many people witness similar situations and get out of them. You're even seeing your wrongs in some way and that's the first step towards the exit sort of speak.

Now, I don't know how you got into this situation, I'm not even sure you know it yourself. What you do know is that you wanna get out. You're starting to hate yourself and that's kind of a bad thing. That'll only take you further down the bad road. You know who you were before, I understand from your post that you felt good back then.

First thing you have to do imo is figure out what the problem is. Why did you change? Reading your post made me think you kind of want to enjoy your life to the fullest. Nothing wrong with that, on the contrary, but you have to know how to control yourself. If you lose control, you'll find yourself in a situation like this.

Go back to your old ways. You said you were very Christian before, however, you feel like you've left your belief behind to make room for all this craziness. I believe your belief was kind of getting in the way of what you thought was living life to the fullest. Basically, you've led yourself go. Now, you said your belief had a big influence in who you were. It made you feel good in your skin and although I'm not really that much of a believer myself (because it causes many problems in todays life as well), I do believe it's good to believe if you get stronger by it as a person. If you know that it makes you feel good, that it makes you feel good in your skin, I'd say go back to that and start making the puzzle complete again (meaning, rebuilding your old self).

Also, it's very important that you surround yourself with people who are good for you, meaning, no people who'll take you further down the bad road. You need people you can trust in your life. Family is also very important, you say your parents don't trust you anymore, fix that too! You need your parents (even if they can get frustrating). When your parents are mad at you for no reason at all, now that'd be different but it's basically because of your own doing so you have to fix that.

Also, like voice said above me, try to find some hobbies. Try to find something that makes you feel good about yourself, something that can give you some time off of your current situation. If it gets hard (and turning back to your real self will be hard at times), you can kind of escape for a little while.

I don't know if this helped but if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. You now need people you can trust and who can support you along the way. And who's better than the people here at KHI who're posting in the Help & Support section right? ;D

But seriously, be strong and you'll get there! You clearly wanna change back to your old self and posting here, talking about your situation and admitting your wrongs is already a step into the right direction. Doesn't mean you can't have fun anymore though, you just need to know how to control yourself and stop where you need to. I think once you learn that, you'll feel a whole lot better. But that's your job, people like us can only encourage and support you along the way, but you'll have to be the one to do this.

Good luck man, I'll be rooting for you!

 

[scubasteve]

just be the best damn self you can possible be

 

[Memory Master]

I think this falls under the 'support' category but hey, I'll give it a whirl.

This past year and last summer included, I think I've really turned into someone that did not resemble me at all just 12 months ago. And I can't decide how I feel about it. Before I graduated high school, I was an extremely reserved kid. I mean I was comfortable in my own skin to say the least. Had decent grades, a girlfriend (whom I loved dearly), bros to hang out with and trust in everyone who I had known. I tried my best to refrain from cursing, drugs, alcohol and sex. But I was by no means perfect, I still had issues to work on to better myself into a mature guy that had his act together. Heck, I could even say my faith in God is what shaped a good chunk of my persona.

Be wary of the fact that this was just in a year's span alone. But now, I definitely feel as if any one of you took a video of what I've done in the past year, you wouldn't think I was Christian at all. I've fell away from my faith farther than you can imagine. And don't think this thread is for the Christian audience, but anyone belonging to any other walk of faith or lack thereof can chime in as well. But I digress. I really don't know where or when it happened, I progressively turned into someone I can barely stand looking at in the mirror in the mornings.

I still have a group of friends, but not exactly what I had back at home. The girl I was "semi-dating" (I guess idk) just told me she wanted to move on from me because she couldn't trust me (heck, I don't blame her). I haven't been taking care of my knee to get ready to play football again. My parents don't trust me because I've been arrested twice for possession and they are strict as all get out when it comes to drugs. I have drank at least 3 times a week since I came to college. I have sex close to every weekend with different girls (sometimes 3 in a day, but please understand I'm doing everything but bragging right now). I've lied, cheated, stolen so many times that it's become a habit for me.

And through all of that, I've hurt so many people. I've let people down and ultimately I let myself down because I let myself fall into such a dark route. I can honestly say that if I died today, I have no clue what my afterlife would be. And I'm not gonna sit here and say that the life I'm living now isn't fun, because I'm having a blast. It's just that when I have time to sit and think about it, I'm not happy. At all. I pretty much forgot what it's like to be genuinely happy.

Overall I think a lot of people like me and who I am but the fact of the matter is, is that I hate myself. I don't spill my whole thought process out but I felt that it was a necessary thing to do because I really can't tackle this thing by myself. And it sucks because you can't take anything back. So I guess what I'm asking is would I go about being proud of who I am again? I mean either that, or I'd just like to talk with someone idk.

You have taken the first big step. You're not a bad person because you've realized what you did was wrong and obviously your sorry about it. You said your a christian. I am too. You already recognize you've done wrong, ask for forgiveness from God, and if you feel the need to ask for forgiveness from family or friends or whoever. Then just work on building stronger faith and the strength to stay away from the bad things.

Some people out there will just continue to follow down a terrible road and never will feel bad or seek forgiveness for it. You started down that road and now you realized you didn't like it and your sorry. That makes you a much better person than alot of people out there. Be happy you can recognize when you've done wrong and that you do have that feeling of guilt. That is a sign that you've truly been saved by Jesus. A true Christian can do something wrong and it will really get to them. I've been there before, I know what that feels like, its a bad feeling. But you're going to be okay.

If you want to talk some more just PM me.