General ► I'm better now

[WaltK]

Pretty long vent post incoming. You don’t have to read, but thanks in advance if you do.

A quick TL;DR summary if you don’t want to read: J.K. Rowling is a transphobe. Family don’t get it. Makes me angry. The end.

…

Having close family all together over the holidays can lead to disagreements and arguments, whether it be over petty, inconsequential things like a board game, or political or philosophical discussion.

I rarely get into the latter kind of arguments with my family, primarily because there aren’t really many different viewpoints I have from them that I feel nearly that strongly about.

…that is, until a certain TERFy author enters into the equation.

Now, let me get something straight, my family aren’t a prejudiced bunch. They treat people fairly, and see everybody as equal. They love and embrace me and the fact that I’m gay, and my teenage niece, who has recently started identifying as non-binary and is displaying a preference for they/them pronouns, who they love and support just the same, even if they slip up sometimes (hey, I’m one them!) …but, they are still boomers and Gen Xers through and through. My mum, bless her, is in her 70s, and she wouldn’t discriminate against anyone… but she still has her moments. Like casually saying certain things that she doesn’t realise are quite alarming to hear in today’s world, or occasionally touting the standard "people are too quick to be offended these days" and things like that.

Harry Potter has been a pretty big presence in our family since pretty much the beginning. As a family unit, we’ve collectively consumed the books, the films, and the countless merchandise. When J.K. Rowling’s transphobia came to light, I was disgusted and saddened. I haven’t been able to bring myself to consume any of her work since then, and am just driven even further away from her work the more harm she causes.

My family’s attitude to the whole thing is vastly different. For the most part, my family are just "aware" that she’s been accused of transphobia, but don’t really know the full ins and outs of it, while still having no qualms with consuming her work (my sister and her husband happily went to watch the third Fantastic Beasts movie, for example), and my sister has incessantly said that "people should just disassociate her from Harry Potter" (which is really kind of impossible to do, as much as she refuses to admit it).

Honestly, I don't even care at this point if they continue to consume her work. What they like to enjoy is their prerogative. Just a couple of weeks ago, I even tutted but otherwise tolerated that mum wanted to watch the latest series of the TV adaptation of Rowling’s Strike series. I just want them to understand, to be aware of the fact that she is causing legitimate harm.

Yesterday, an off-handed comment led to a conversation on the subject that… well, you read the title.

I've always made it known how I feel about Rowling to my family. I’ve even mentioned some of the things she’s said and done. The usual response was for them to just shrug it off like it’s really not as big a deal as I’m making it out to be. It was during yesterdays discussion that mum came out with something that made me see red.

She told us about how she read some news article somewhere about how "J.K. Rowling isn’t transphobic, actually" and how she actually "advocates for trans rights", the reasons she listed off boiling down to the usual excuses I've heard at nauseam: "she’s a domestic abuse survivor", "she just wants to protect women", "she's a philanthropist".

(for the record: yes, it is, indeed, awful that she was abused, and I'm sorry she had to go through that, I'm sorry that anybody has to go through that. But it doesn’t give you a free pass to be a bigot).

I've told these people countless times about the horrible things Rowling has said and done, I've shown them any and all evidence I can find to show them just how bad what she's doing is. And the counter-argument that’s thrown back at me is, essentially, "she can't be transphobic because she's done so much good", "she gets a free pass because she is a victim too".

I lost my fucking mind. Words were said. Strong words. Words that I felt awful using, but at the same time I cannot bring myself to take back. They got angry at me for it, and I got angry right back. I got the hell out of there and went for a walk to cool down. And came back hours later and went straight to bed without a word. I’ve pretty much just spent the day being civil to mum without having to say too much. I later got angry again, this time at my brother when he tried to make me see how "wrong" I was.

Now I’m just shutting myself away from them both. Not even being able to look at them. And I have no idea what to do anymore.

Until now, I just saw my family as not wanting to get into the discussion. But yesterdays incident was the moment I realised: they don’t want to see the blatant truth.

 

[Xblade13]

Pretty long vent post incoming. You don’t have to read, but thanks in advance if you do.

A quick TL;DR summary if you don’t want to read: J.K. Rowling is a transphobe. Family don’t get it. Makes me angry. The end.

…

Having close family all together over the holidays can lead to disagreements and arguments, whether it be over petty, inconsequential things like a board game, or political or philosophical discussion.

I rarely get into the latter kind of arguments with my family, primarily because there aren’t really many different viewpoints I have from them that I feel nearly that strongly about.

…that is, until a certain TERFy author enters into the equation.

Now, let me get something straight, my family aren’t a prejudiced bunch. They treat people fairly, and see everybody as equal. They love and embrace me and the fact that I’m gay, and my teenage niece, who has recently started identifying as non-binary and is displaying a preference for they/them pronouns, who they love and support just the same, even if they slip up sometimes (hey, I’m one them!) …but, they are still boomers and Gen Xers through and through. My mum, bless her, is in her 70s, and she wouldn’t discriminate against anyone… but she still has her moments. Like casually saying certain things that she doesn’t realise are quite alarming to hear in the current culture climate, or occasionally touting the standard "people are too quick to be offended these days" and things like that.

Harry Potter has been a pretty big presence in our family since pretty much the beginning. As a family unit, we’ve collectively consumed the books, the films, the video games, and the merchandise. When J.K. Rowling’s transphobia came to light, I was disgusted and saddened. I haven’t been able to bring myself to consume any of her work since then, and am just driven even further away from her work the more harm she causes.

My family’s attitude to the whole thing is vastly different. For the most part, my family are just "aware" that she’s been accused of transphobia, but don’t really know the full ins and outs of it, while still having no qualms with consuming her work (my sister and her husband happily went to watch the third Fantastic Beasts movie, for example), and my sister has incessantly said that "people should just disassociate her from Harry Potter" (which is really kind of impossible to do, as much as she refuses to admit it).

Honestly, I don't even care at this point if they continue to consume her work. What they like to enjoy is their prerogative. Just a couple of weeks I even tutted but otherwise tolerated that mum wanted to watch the latest series of the TV adaptation of Rowling’s Strike series. I just want them to understand, to be aware of the fact that she is causing legitimate harm.

Yesterday, an off-handed comment led to a conversation on the subject that… well, you read the title.

I've always made it known how I feel about Rowling to my family. I’ve even mentioned some of the things she’s said and done. The usual response was for them to just shrug it off like it’s really not as big a deal as I’m making it out to be. It was during yesterdays discussion that mum came out with something that made me see red.

She told us about how she read some news article somewhere about how "J.K. Rowling isn’t transphobic, actually" and how she actually "advocates for trans rights", the reasons she listed off boiling down to the usual excuses I've heard at nauseam: "she’s a domestic abuse survivor", "she just wants to protect women", "she's a philanthropist".

(for record: yes, it is awful that she was abused, and I'm sorry she had to go through that, I'm sorry that anybody has to go through that).

I've told these people countless times about the horrible things Rowling has said and done, I've shown them any and all evidence I can find to show them just how bad what she's doing is. And the counter-argument that’s thrown back at me is, essentially, "she can't be transphobic because she's done so much good", "she gets a free pass because she is a victim too".

I lost my fucking mind. Words were said. Strong words. Words that I felt awful using, but at the same time I cannot bring myself to take back. They got angry at me for it, and I got angry right back. I got the hell out of there and went for a walk to cool down. And came back hours later and went straight to bed without a word. I’ve pretty much just spent the day being civil to mum without having to say too much. I later got angry again, this time at my brother when he tried to make me see how "wrong" I was.

Now I’m just shutting myself away from them both. Not even being able to look at them. And I have no idea what to do anymore.

Until now, I just saw my family as not wanting to get into the discussion. But yesterdays incident was the moment I realised: they don’t want to see the blatant truth.

I get into small arguments with my family all the time, and it boils down a lot to them believing "news" they see on Facebook or TikTok as viable sources. Those cesspools have given some of them very alarming views on the world as a whole, J.K.'s transphobia being just one of them. I haven't gotten into anything as extreme as you have, but I want you to know that you're not alone feeling that way.

 

[BufferAqua]

I'm so sorry, Ernest. JK Rowling is a monster and your family is wrong. There's literal proof of her transphobic history too. I feel like people let their penchant for Harry Potter get in the way of their judgement.

 

[Sonofjafar]

That sucks, EP. I’ve had similar arguments with my family regarding how fast we should deal with a certain orange scourge*. It usually ends in common ground but I still resent my parents’ willingness to just wait for the government to do the right thing when they clearly can’t or won’t.

*- Trump. I’m referring to Trump

 

[WaltK]

So… I’m legit at a loss for what to do right now. I honestly haven’t been this angry at my loved ones in a long time.

 

[Willow A113]

Maybe ask them to put themselves in the trans people's shoes. They could imagine a fact about themselves that makes them, them. And then imagine if there was a hateful person who tried to take away their right to be themselves. That hypothetical cruel person has people who like their work, and that's ok. But people have cried by what this person has said and done. They aren't allowed to be themselves, the hate has spread, and life is more challenging, so hard that some have chosen to end it. Enjoying media is one thing, but denying the truth is another. Maybe that could put things into perspective. If not, at least be glad your family isn't 100% bigots. There are worst things than believing J.K. isn't transphobic (like being transphobic yourself).

 

[WaltK]

So, here’s one little bit of information I was reluctant to give, but now feel confident enough to do after the Samaritans volunteer I called confirmed that it, indeed, wasn’t nearly as bad as my family were making it out to be:

The "strong" word I used during the argument? The one that provoked such a strange backlash? The one that prompted my sister to say I was being "nasty"? The one that my brother straight up called me "abusive" for using after the fact?

Stupid.

I called them ignorant and stupid.

 

[Sonofjafar]

So, here’s one little bit of information I was reluctant to give, but now feel confident enough to do after the Samaritans volunteer I called confirmed that it, indeed, wasn’t nearly as bad as my family were making it out to be:

The "strong" word I used during the argument? The one that provoked such a strange backlash? The one that prompted my sister to say I was being "nasty"? The one that my brother straight up called me "abusive" for using after the fact?

Stupid.

I called them ignorant and stupid.

That’s stupid

 

[Willow A113]

So, here’s one little bit of information I was reluctant to give, but now feel confident enough to do after the Samaritans volunteer I called confirmed that it, indeed, wasn’t nearly as bad as my family were making it out to be:

The "strong" word I used during the argument? The one that provoked such a strange backlash? The one that prompted my sister to say I was being "nasty"? The one that my brother straight up called me "abusive" for using after the fact?

Stupid.

I called them ignorant and stupid.

Yeah, that's not too bad. I've said many worse things to my family (often behind their back).

 

[Oracle Spockanort]

So, here’s one little bit of information I was reluctant to give, but now feel confident enough to do after the Samaritans volunteer I called confirmed that it, indeed, wasn’t nearly as bad as my family were making it out to be:

The "strong" word I used during the argument? The one that provoked such a strange backlash? The one that prompted my sister to say I was being "nasty"? The one that my brother straight up called me "abusive" for using after the fact?

Stupid.

I called them ignorant and stupid.

It’ll be hard to reason with them, then. People recoil when they are called stupid. I’m not saying it’s a lost cause, but I doubt your family will be reasonable enough to try and come around to understanding Joanne’s bigotry because you’ve insulted their intelligence and now see you as somebody who thinks they are better than them.

 

[WaltK]

It’ll be hard to reason with them, then. People recoil when they are called stupid. I’m not saying it’s a lost cause, but I doubt your family will be reasonable enough to try and come around to understanding Joanne’s bigotry because you’ve insulted their intelligence and now see you as somebody who thinks they are better than them.

To be honest, I don’t think they’ve ever taken me seriously, even when trying to be civil. Whenever I’m around them, I just feel like a stupid kid.

 

[Willow A113]

To be honest, I don’t think they’ve ever taken me seriously, even when trying to be civil. Whenever I’m around them, I just feel like a stupid kid.

Maybe someone they respect could explain things to them? (Not that they shouldn't respect you, because they should.)

 

[WaltK]

You know, I genuinely worry for my niece.

It’s clear their parents love and support them, but it can only go so far if they choose to believe in a world where JKR isn’t actively fighting to make their life harder.

For the record, my niece is also upset about the whole thing. I know as much because before my eruption my sister casually mentioned it (my niece with their headphones on at the time).

 

[Face My Fears]

The fact of the matter is that you spoke your mind and they didn't like hearing it. Of course, you got heated and said that offensive word, and you were wrong for doing that. But I think there's two things going on here:

1) Both you and your family being in the wrong for letting it get so heated. I feel like the older ones should have stepped up and calmed the situation down, even if they didn't necessarily agree with your statements. You also should have known that it would spiral out of control, so you should have stepped out of the situation before it got there. Now people get heated and aren't thinking rationally, so things get said - it happens.

2) Both you and your family are in the wrong for the aftermath. They should approach you and apologize for letting it get so crazy and not hearing you out and you should approach them and apologize for calling them stupid.

Whether you're right or wrong about the situation, neither party should have let it get this heated. At the end of the day, this argument isn't going to change your family's perspective and it isn't doing anything to JK Rowling. All it does it widen the gap between you and your family, so is it worth it?

I have family that is very conservative and the fact is that isn't changing. I know which battles to have, and even then, I don't push further because there is no point. All that does is add an extra burden on you. It shouldn't be your job to educate your family, especially when they do not want to learn.

 

[Willow A113]

The fact of the matter is that you spoke your mind and they didn't like hearing it. Of course, you got heated and said that offensive word, and you were wrong for doing that. But I think there's two things going on here:

I don't think "stupid" is an offensive word. Honestly, it's one of the least offensive words he could've used. And I don't think Earnest needs lecturing for explaining how he felt to his family.

 

[AegisXIII]

I am sorry to hear about that.
I am gonna give you an advice about what I would do, but note that this might not necessarily apply to you as everyone and every situation is different.

Personally, when I snap about something, the root of my rage is never related to the actual topic. Instead, after some introspection, I realize it comes from something related but not exactly what I thought initially. I personally do not believe that you snap purely about Rowling. My guess is that it was the last straw about an ongoing situation that has been making you suffer for a long time. Usually when I find the root cause, it allows me to prevent future outburst as a snap is just a way of expressing hurt.

I sincerely hope it will get better. And don't worry. Calling someone stupid is not the worst of insults.

 

[Face My Fears]

I don't think "stupid" is an offensive word. Honestly, it's one of the least offensive words he could've used. And I don't think Earnest needs lecturing for explaining how he felt to his family.

I think the context that "stupid" was used was actually insulting, since it was meant to be demeaning. He wasn't saying "oh that movie is stupid", he was saying that his family are lacking intelligence. He could have left it at "ignorant" which would be fine, but to go the step further to call them stupid was insulting and I think wrong.

I'm not lecturing him for how he felt. He can feel however he wants, that's his right. I was just giving my opinion on the situation. I've been in situations like these before and after many painful times of trying to change people that don't want to change, I learned you go so far and know when to stop. The battle and the scars from that battle is just not worth it.

I feel bad for Panda and I hope that he learns from this situation, so that he can avoid hurting himself in future needless arguments. If his family doesn't want to learn or change their perspective on JK Rowling, there's no point in fighting over it. If they taking from JK Rowling and being harmful in some way to the niece who is non-binary or to Panda himself, then I would agree the fight is worth it. But if it's just about whether his family acknowledges JK Rowling as a transphobe or not, what is the point of the fight or having Panda get so upset about it AND have the relationship between Panda/his family become rocky?

 

[WaltK]

He could have left it at "ignorant" which would be fine

Pfffffffft.

When I talked to my brother about it, I tried to meet him in the middle by saying "they're not stupid, they're ignorant", and he was like nope, shouldn't say that either.

 

[AegisXIII]

I would still be careful while using the word "ignorant". I have no doubt that you meant it as: "you do not know the full story", but when you call someone ignorant, the person might understand it as: "I am more educated than you" or perceive it as a way for you to elevate yourself above them.
From my perspective, they got angry at the way you expressed your opinion, not your opinion itself, while you got angry at them for not taking this subject seriously. If you were to tell them that this is a subject that matters a lot to you, would they listen to what you have to say?

 

[Face My Fears]

Pfffffffft.

When I talked to my brother about it, I tried to meet him in the middle by saying "they're not stupid, they're ignorant", and he was like nope, shouldn't say that either.

They may have the understanding of "ignorant" as uneducated rather than lacking awareness of the topic. It could also have been the tone.

Regardless, if I were you, I would apologize for taking it that far and calling them "ignorant" and "stupid". Then double-down on your stance and let them know that this is a very important topic to you and that you believe that JK Rowling is causing harm with her behaviour. You should ask them to try and understand your point of view and if not, then just leave it where it is. You did your part by apologizing and emphasizing your beliefs. If they can't meet you at that point, then that should tell you more about them.

I'm just saying from experience, leaving a heated argument like that will just weigh on you - whether you were right or wrong.