It Was An Accident (A novella)

[The Dark Destiny]

"Well, the lights were bright" I explained to my dad as he sat next to my hospital bed, gripping my hand tightly. "Everything was happening so fast, I lost control...the brakes wouldn't work, and my hands were shaking too much to keep them on the wheel" I continued to say, and my dad started to cry. It was odd to me, seeing my father cry...it rarely happened, but when he cried you know something terrible had happened.

I was in a car accident, but I didn't know that until I had come back to consciousness from the anesthetic my doctor gave me to ease the pain. I was trying to figure out what all had happened to me, my mom was a complete wreck and my dad was getting there so I couldn't very easily ask them.

"Were the other people hurt too? I couldn't live with myself if someone died" I said as I tried to remember everything about the crash. My mom began to sob again and my dad remained silent, never loosening his grip on my hand.

"I don't know, Micheal. Nobody has said anything...just lay back for a couple of minutes, the doctor is going to be here soon to talk to you" my dad said through tears and grit teeth.

I put my head back on my pillow and closed my eyes, still trying to remember everything. I tried to remember the car I hit, what I tried to do to prevent the crash, I even thought about the people inside...were there children? I almost couldn't bare the thought of hurting a child, it made me sick to my stomach to think about it.

I think a full ten minutes had passed by when the door came open and my doctor stepped inside with a "bad news" face, my stomach tied itself in a knot and I felt a tear start to form in the corner of my eye.

"Mister and Misses Wells, may I speak with you outside in the hallway for a moment?" he said as he looked at his chart and shook his head. My mom and dad followed him out there for about seven minutes.

Half way through that seven minutes, I heard my mom burst into tears and my dad was trying to comfort her by saying "Debrah, I know this is a very difficult time...but if we have faith, everything will be okay."

I was scared by now. First, Dr. Bower takes them out in the hallway, then my mom cries and dad tells her that faith will pull us through...my dad wasn't even religious, so for him to say something like that meant that I must be dying or something.

My dad walked in with his left arm around my mom's shoulder, he walked her over to a seat then sat down where he originally was. He looked at me and grabbed my hand again, he put his other hand on my leg...but to my surprise, I couldn't feel it. Come to think of it, I couldn't feel my legs...THAT WAS IT! I had lost my legs, I was going to be paralyzed.

I was hoping I was just being paranoid, and my dad would tell me that something was wrong but it would be much minor than this. But unfortunately, his next words were exactly as I had feared...he told me that Dr. Bower said a piece of the door nailed me in a bad place on my spine and they don't think I'll recover.

How was I going to handle this? I put my head back on my pillow again and started to cry. The only thing I had left to do was figure out how to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. It was going to be hard, emotionally and psychically...but it was probably going to be my only option, unless the doctor also said that my hands were broke and I'd never be able to work a wheel.

This was the beginning of the hardest struggle of my life.

 

[Jiminy's Nobody]

the breaks wouldn't work

I stopped reading here, I mean I hate it break it to you kiddo but you just aren't cut out for this

 

[The Dark Destiny]

I stopped reading here, I mean I hate it break it to you kiddo but you just aren't cut out for this

And you could do better? Hmmm...also, why don't you try to find a more legitimate place to stop?

 

[Nyangoro]

I stopped reading here, I mean I hate it break it to you kiddo but you just aren't cut out for this

O NOES! HE HAZ A SPELIN ERAR! HIZ RITIN SKILZ SUX!

That's all I really wanted to say right now, lol. I'll comment on the writing itself once I've read it

 

[The Dark Destiny]

O NOES! HE HAZ A SPELIN ERAR! HIZ RITIN SKILZ SUX!

That's all I really wanted to say right now, lol. I'll comment on the writing itself once I've read it

Don't take this offensively, but your comment makes me lol...probably due to the fact that I thought the same thing when I read the guy's comment too.

 

[Nyangoro]

Don't take this offensively, but your comment makes me lol...probably due to the fact that I thought the same thing when I read the guy's comment too.

Why would I take it offensively? It's supposed to make people lol

 

[The Dark Destiny]

Why would I take it offensively? It's supposed to make people lol

Indeed...and, your opinions of the story?

 

[Nyangoro]

Indeed...and, your opinions of the story?

Not bad. I'm not really into these types of realistic stories, but it seemed pretty well done. A little more detail would have been nice, though.

 

[Audo]

It was odd to me, seeing my father cry was like seeing a UFO...it never happened,

I think you can come up with a far better simile.

when he cried you know something terrible had happened.

If it never happens, how would you know that?

I was in a car accident, but I didn't know that until I had come back to consciousness from the anesthetic my doctor gave me to ease the pain.

ridiculously unnecessary. Most people know what an anaesthetic is for, you don't need the extra bit, it just blocks flow.

I was trying to figure out what all had happened to me, my mom was a complete wreck and my dad was getting there so I couldn't very easily ask them.

This is what is called a comma-splice. Fix it.

"Were the other people hurt too? I couldn't live with myself if someone died" I said as I tried to remember everything about the crash.

Sounds awkward. "Was anyone else hurt?" Would work a lot better. Not to mention that the second piece of dialogue just comes off as melodramatic bullshit. You also don't need the "as I tried..." bit. You've already told us that he is trying to remember the details, no need to beat us over the head with it.

"I don't know, Micheal. Nobody has said anything...just lay back for a couple of minutes, the doctor is going to be here soon to talk to you" my dad said through tears and grit teeth.

Again, too much unnecessary detail. Shoving it in makes the dialogue seem hokey and unreal. "Just stay still" or "Just stay calm" would work so much better. No one is going to shove in all of those extra words, especially when they're saying it "through tears and gritted teeth".

"To talk to you" is another unnecessary bit.

I put my head back on my pillow and closed my eyes, still trying to remember everything.

This dead horse is being beaten.

I tried to remember the car I hit, what I tried to do to prevent the crash, I even thought about the people inside...were there children?

COMMA-SPLICE. NO.

I almost couldn't bare the thought of hurting a child, it made me sick to my stomach to think about it.

Uh-huh.... Sure that's not the drugs?

I think a full ten minutes had passed by when the door came open and my doctor stepped inside with a "bad news" face, my stomach tied itself in a knot and I felt a tear start to form in the corner of my eye.

What is with you and these damn run-ons?
Bolded = annoying.
I think you can come up with some better description than "bad news face".

"Mister and Misses Wells, may I speak with you outside in the hallway for a moment?" he said as he looked at his chart and shook his head. My mom and dad followed him out there for about seven minutes.

Bold #1 = Again, unnecessary.
Bold #2 = No Doctor would be this painstakingly obvious. Especially when he is obviously trying to be inconspicuous in terms of the son. This just defeats the entire purpose of asking the parents to talk outside
Bold #3 = You can't say "about" and then follow with something specific. It doesn't work. And you don't need to be so specific about the time anyway. This kid was just in a crash, his mind is going to be all over the place, he ain't going to be counting minutes.

Half way through that seven minutes

The fuck...

I heard my mom burst into tears and my dad was trying to comfort her by saying "Debrah, I know this is a very difficult time...but if we have faith, everything will be okay."

The whole purpose of them going "outside" was so that the kid COULD NOT hear them. No one is going to be talking loud enough for him to hear, especially not when "comforting someone". His dad isn't screaming at the top of his lungs for Debrah to shut the fuck up, now is he?

I was scared by now. First, Dr. Bower takes them out in the hallway, then my mom cries and dad tells her that faith will pull us through...

Uh yeah, we know. You just told us. You don't need to sum it all up for us again.
Dr. Bower is dangerously close to "Bowser". Just saying...

my dad wasn't even religious, so for him to say something like that meant that I must be dying or something.

Great summation. I love the added "something". >.>

My dad walked in with his left arm around my mom's shoulder, he walked her over to a seat then sat down where he originally was.

Unneeded details disrupt flow.

He looked at me and grabbed my hand again, he put his other hand on my leg...but to my surprise, I couldn't feel it.

You're starting too much with "He."
And I thought his "left arm" was around the mother? Does he have three hands now?

Come to think of it, I couldn't feel my legs...THAT WAS IT! I had lost my legs, I was going to be paralyzed.

The fuck? He wasn't "going to be paralyzed" Quite clearly HE IS PARALYZED[size=+2].[/size]
And quite clearly he hasn't "lost his legs" if his dad just put his hand on one of them >.>

I was hoping I was just being paranoid, and my dad would tell me that something was wrong but it would be much minor than this.

"Much minor"? Sounds kind of awkward.

But unfortunately, his next words were exactly as I had feared...

"Disruptor of Flow", I should call you.

he told me that Dr. Bower said a piece of the door nailed me in a bad place on my spine and they don't think I'll recover.

Is there a "good place" for a door to nail you?
Also, Dr. Bower is not more than one person.

How was I going to handle this? I put my head back on my pillow again and started to cry.

His head is already on the damn pillow. >.>

The only thing I had left to do was figure out how to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair.

"The only thing"?

It was going to be hard, emotionally and psychically...

No shit Sherlock.

but it was probably going to be my only option,

Probably?. Yeah because since you're paralyzed you're only probably going to have to be in a wheelchair.

unless the doctor also said that my hands were broke and I'd never be able to work a wheel.

Oh sweet Jesus...
First off, "were broke"? I think you mean "broken".
And I think he would know if they were broken or not, since that is like the first thing he'd try and move >.>
Plus, you've already said he felt his dad's grip on his hand. How stupid is this kid?

This was the beginning of the hardest struggle of my life.

Could you be anymore cliché?

Also, you have incorrect grammar for dialogue. Look into that.

 

[The Dark Destiny]

So basically there is not one line in the story that you liked...okay. That would have been much easier to say, also...I saw a lot of unnecessary remarks...you don't need to be rude, just simply say "this is wrong, here is what you should have done"

Also, I wrote this last night at about 2 a.m. so cut me a little slack for not being fluid 100%

And one more thing, I was pretty proud of myself for this considering I'm 13...so, thanks man.

 

[Tenyas]

Your story is good and your grammer is better then most Ninth graders I've seen {no offense, school sucks where i am}

I don't see how those little things could cause the cataclysmic end of the depth to this, so enough of the "YOU SPELLE DIS WRONGO!!" When half of your own posts contain errors.

 

[Audo]

So basically there is not one line in the story that you liked...okay. That would have been much easier to say

Yeah, but that would have just been unhelpful remarks. As blunt and harsh some of my comments may have been, it was still constructive criticism. Read it, take in in, and understand what you did and what you can do to make it better. I don't give a shit about your excuses. You asked for feedback and I gave you feedback, sorry that it was honest instead of just blind praise.

And one more thing, I was pretty proud of myself for this considering I'm 13...so, thanks man.

Your age says 18. And since when did age matter?

 

[The Dark Destiny]

Yeah, but that would have just been unhelpful remarks. As blunt and harsh some of my comments may have been, it was still constructive criticism. Read it, take in in, and understand what you did and what you can do to make it better. I don't give a shit about your excuses. You asked for feedback and I gave you feedback, sorry that it was honest instead of just blind praise.


Your age says 18. And since when did age matter?

I never asked for ANYONE'S feedback. And, I would be much appreciative if you didn't give me anymore of your "constructive criticism"

 

[Audo]

I never asked for ANYONE'S feedback.

By posting it here, for everyone to read, you expect feedback. That's just how it works.

And, I would be much appreciative if you didn't give me anymore of your "constructive criticism"

Don't expect to become anything more than what you already are then - a shitty writer. You can't get better unless you're willing to take people's comments into consideration and learn from what you did. As harsh as some of my comments are -- they were still reality, and they were still true. You need to learn to accept that, and build off of that, instead of just becoming this defensive whining bitch because people aren't praising you for your half-ass prose.

 

[khfreak17]

good grief people!!! stop critising him!!! espccally you, Audo!! i really liked it and i think that he should write more. and if youre all gonna be assholes about this and post mean things, then dont post anything and leave.

 

[Nyangoro]

good grief people!!! stop critising him!!! espccally you, Audo!! i really liked it and i think that he should write more. and if youre all gonna be assholes about this and post mean things, then dont post anything and leave.

If he wants to be a better writer, then sugar coating it won't help. In fact, just the opposite, it'll stagnate him. Looking at it again, I can see what Audo is saying clearly (I just wasn't looking much due to my aforementioned bias towards this kind of story).

 

[The Dark Destiny]

I realized that Audo was right. So, I am printing out his corrections and I'm going to re-post it once I'm done working on it.

Thank you, Audo.

 

[Passion]

Also, I wrote this last night at about 2 a.m. so cut me a little slack for not being fluid 100%

And one more thing, I was pretty proud of myself for this considering I'm 13...so, thanks man.

...

LOL

Well at least you tried hon. But Audo is REALLY trying to help you out here. You should have known that if you put this story on the web people are going to critize it. That's how
you become a better writter. No matter how "harsh" people judge you or your writing, take it into consideration and use that to your advantage instead of whining about it... Whining is annoying and doesn't make you look too good.

good grief people!!! stop critising him!!! espccally you, Audo!! i really liked it and i think that he should write more. and if youre all gonna be assholes about this and post mean things, then dont post anything and leave.

...

Really? Although somethings he said weren't all rainbows and butterflies doesn't mean its the end of the world everyone. He's giving critque that will help him later on in his writing career if this writer wishes to persue it. As mentioned before, he should be embracing the feedback and using it to get better because not everyone is going to love what you do.

Audo could have honestly sat here and typed: "Oh this story was awesome, mang write more!" end of post. But he actually took HIS TIME to look over it and point out the things that need help. Instead of hating him, thank him.