Fanfiction ► Kingdom Hearts 2: Another Story (spoilers to BBS, Re:Com, Days, and KH2)

[OathkeeperRoxas XIII]

Hello KHInsider members and if you are reading this, then you are not crazy. This is a KH2 AU which is based on a old question: What if Sora became Marluxia's pawn? Now you're wondering, who conintue the plot of KH2? And that's where the new protagenists comes in: Kairi, Namine, Xion, and Roxas. Now this will be better version of KH2, adding things that were missing from the game, even time passing in Worlds. Now Roxas and Xion will be beter (Roxas in his KH2 self) and Xion will be a better character. This chapter is more of a straight to the point chapter, getting you ready. Now let's begin and remeber, I don't own KH or any characters except my idea. And no Kairi bashing please?

Chapter 1


Castle Oblivion… Those who entered its walls is simply this: to find is to lose and to lose is to find. That's what one boy chooses to do.
Sora... A boy chosen by the keyblade entered the castle to find his friend Riku and his friends Donald and Goofy's king named Mickey. The trio entered the castle, but suddenly lost every spell and ability they learned. Using a series of cards, the boys traveled through the worlds from Sora's memories, meeting people Sora has met. As Sora climbs the castle, he remembers a friend on the islands named Namine. But this was all a ruse made by the organization to use Sora. They used Namine, a witch with the power over Sora's memories and those connected with him, to tamper with Sora's to make him believe Namine was captured by the Organization and go through the entire castle to save her. Vexen, a scientist and number 4 of the organization created a clone of Riku to fight Sora over Namine which caused the two to tussle more. When Sora entered the 11th floor, he met Vexen who revealed that mess with Riku. When Sora, Donald, and Goofy entered the card world of Twilight Town where Sora remembered a promise to Namine to keep her safe, but when Vexen tells Sora that which is real, his memories of Namine or Twilight Town. Sora says Namine of course. Vexen added that if Sora continues following the chains of his memories, he'll become a slave to them; just like the replica. Sora fights Vexen once more, asking to change Riku. Vexen refused, telling the hero that the shackles of his memories will tighten and he'll become Marluxia's puppet. When Axel, number 7 of the Organization tried to kill Vexen, Vexen had the upper hand, stopping the Flurry of dancing flames from acceding. Vexen left with Axel following after. Sora made it to the 12th floor where Replica Riku waited for him. Riku stated that Sora will hurt Namine he goes further. Riku tells Sora the same promise that he gave to Namine; even showing Sora his lucky charm (or wayfinders for BBS players). Riku and Sora fought for the third time. Riku ran after the battle and left his wayfinder behind, which then turned into a card. Now Sora is determined to save Namine... let's see what happens.

Sora stood to the stairs of the next room as Donald and Goofy conversed.

"Aww, I don't get what's going on." Donald said.

"Let's just keep moving okay, nothing matters." Sora replied.

"It does matter, how could the two of you have the same memory?" Donald replied back, "you can't both be right!"

"I'm wrong? Then fine, don't believe me!" he exclaimed.

"That's not what he meant. We're just kinda worried." Goofy said with a hand to mouth.
"Then let's asks Namine, that'll clear it up. Look we don't have time to sit around, so let's go!" he yelled back.

Both Donald and Goofy looked to one another. They have never seen Sora act like this. What's going on?

"Sora, what happened to ya?" Goofy said with a concern look on his face.
"What's that mean?" he retorted angrily.

"We'll you've always get so touchy comes to stuff about Namine. But before we even came to this castle, you didn't even remember what her name was." said Goofy.

"Now Namine's all you ever talk about." Donald said.

"It doesn't add up. Maybe you should slow down and think ahead about some of these things." Goofy added.

Sora's anger had reached the boiling point. "Think ahead, what is the matter with you guys? You want me to abandon her?"

"No, that's not it." Donald said worried.

"Then do whatever you what. You can go take a nap for I care. I am going to find Namine, without you!" He exclaimed hotly. Sora stormed up the stairs, as Donald and Goofy called him back.

Now at the door to the next world, Sora took out the card; his eyes filled with anger. Jiminy popped from Sora's hood. "Sora, that was uncalled for!"

"Keep it to yourself!" he said with in a dark tension in his voice.

Jiminy sighed and jumped from Sora's hood. "If that's how it is, then I'll leave. I hope you find the right choice, Sora." The cricket said with a said tone. Jiminy hopped back to other room, where Donald and Goofy stood, flabbergasted at Sora's actions and words.

"You've done well, Sora." said a voice.

Sora looked to see a man with pinkish hair appear from a corridor of darkness.
"Are you Marluxia?" he asked.

"Yes." said Marluxia.

"Then do you have Namine with you?" he asked again.

"Yes. But I have a reason having her here. You see, my former comrades from the castle what to use her to destroy everything. But if you help me stop them, I will promise you your friend back."

Sora thought about it and walked up to him. "Yes."

Marluxia smiled darkly. "Then come this way and we'll begin your training."
The two disappeared into the Corridor.

Meanwhile with Larxene and Namine—

Larxene watched the scene with Sora and Marluxia on a strange orb like device. Larxene softly chuckled.

"Well what do you know, Sora is ours now. To think it took a little more twitching to do. His heart is so full of saving only you, that he toss everything aside: Kairi, the king, and Donald and Goofy. When this is over, the organization will be ours. And Vexen, Axel, Zexion, and Lexaus will soon see our time is right."

Namine sat in her corner, holding her sketchpad to her chest, worried for Sora. There was nothing she could do, but maybe she can help another.

day after Sora came; Riku appeared in the castle, fighting the Darkness. Riku fights Ansem, met and beat Lexaeus, Zexion, his replica, and reuniting with King Mickey. After talking with both Namine and DIZ, Riku choose to fight Ansem alone and beats him. Riku left the castle with Mickey at his side, with only DIZ able to leave. But before all that, another boy named Roxas, Number XIII of the organization was using the keyblade to collect hearts for them. Roxas became friends with Xion, Number XIV of the organization and another wielder of the Keyblade. At day 26, Roxas collapses on a mission and slept for days. Until day 50 when he woke up and met Xion at the Clock Tower in Twilight Town, informing Roxas that he's been asleep for 24 days. At Day 51, Roxas returns to work, but before talking to the others.

"Well, good morning Roxas. If you're about to asked about Castle Oblivion, then we don't know more than you. It's like the place is inaccessible to any of us." said Xigbar, Number II of the organization.

"And of Axel, is he ok?" Roxas asked.

"We'll fill you need soon enough, but right now report to Saix to get back to work." said Demyx, number IX of the organization.

Roxas went on his mission. But to Roxas, Xion, and the organization, a new tale has only just begun.

And that ends the first chapter. Next chapter we return to Castle Oblivion, where Axel and Namine leave the castle but are saved by a certian old friend. Now spoilers are in this story, so be warned. Please comment and no flames

 

[spirit-of-light]

This is realy good cant wait to see what Soras gona do, and I think Axel is number 8 not 7.

 

[Chill]

nice dude keep doing this PLEASE!

 

[OathkeeperRoxas XIII]

Chapter 2: Day 71: Reunion


Roxas woke up to another day of mission. Roxas' thoughts were on Axel and wondering if he and the others are alive. Xigbar sees the blond haired Nobody expression and says, "Heh Heh, well if isn't sourpuss. Why the long face?"

"Nothing okay." Roxas replied.

"You've gotta admit, the castle's a lot quieter. Half as loud, you might say." Xigbar said grinning. "But I can get use to a smaller group, hoe 'bout you?"

Roxas' head was still low from what Xigbar said. Just then Demyx came into the Grey Area. "Hey, did you hear? They still haven't found a way into the castle, so there's no proof anyone's alive."

Roxas was stunned. "So they could be really gone?"

"We don't know for sure, but aleast I didn't go there."

"Too bad, you'll be pushing double duty." Xigbar said laughing.

"I know." Demyx sighed.

Saix walked into the room. "Roxas, your mission. Head to Twilight Town and colplete your mission."

"Right." Roxas nodded.

Roxas finished his preparations and left to Twilight Town.
Meanwhile in Castle Oblivion—

Namine sat in her chair, thinking about Sora, Marluxia having his pawn, and what he'll do with her now. Suddenly, a corridor of darkness open and Axel walked out. Namine turned her head and said, "Axel."

"Well, it looks like they're putting more into Sora that he'll fight the entire Organization without breaking a sweat. It won't be long now until Sora is ready to overthrow the Organization under Marluxia and Larxene."

"What should we do?" Namine asked.

"For starters, I'm getting you out of here and take you back to the World that never was. My friend Roxas can watch over you."
Namine smiled sweetly. "Thanks Axel."

Namine got up and followed Axel into a corridor of darkness. The corridor lead them to the exit of the castle. When they got closer, a voice ran out.
"And just where do you think you're going, Axel."

They turn around to see Larxene, her arms folded.

Axel said, "I'm taking Namine from this castle. You have your puppet; you don't need Namine here anymore."
"Oh but you don't understand the situation Axel. With Namine here, Sora will fight even hard to see her. But Namine is important to our plan, you can't take her away."

Axel chuckled. "You never were the one to follow orders, Relena."

Larxene was shocked. "It's been a lot time since you've uses my name, Lea."

"What can I say; I don't forget old faces, even yours. But," Axel summoned his Eternal Fame Chakrams. "You won't stop from taking Namine back."

Larxene's hands sparked with lightning and her Fondre knives were in her hands. "Too bad I'm stopping you!"

Axel ran to Larxene, attacking her with his chakrams. Larxene dodged him and throws one of her thunder charged knives at him, that Axel was stunned fir a second, but throws his fire charged Chakrams at Larxene blocked them and with her lightning, traps Axel in the thunder prison. Axel kneeled in pain as Larxene used Mega volt and hits Axel with speed and lightning. Axel was tossed in the air by the lightning and was slammed back on the ground. Axel's weapons disappeared as Larxene stepped closer to him. "Is that all you got Axel, you've gotten soft with Roxas that now you're a pushover. It'll be a shame you won't be around to see us overthrow Xemnas, so good bye Lea."
She was about to slam her knives into Axel's neck when She was hit by a keyblade. Larxene turned, knives blazing with lightning when sees a boy dressed in Armor.

"Who are you kid and why do you have a keyblade?" she asked.

The armored boy remained silent and attacks Larxene with his keyblade. The armored boy then cast Blizzard on Larxene; which appeared under her in large crystals. Larxene couldn't believe how powerful his kid was. The armored boy finished Larxene with Firaga Burst. As the spell was over, Larxene collapsed to the ground as the Armored Boy went to help Axel. Axel looked up to see the armored boy. The boy finally spoke. "You two okay?"

Axel was shocked at the voice. "R…Ro…Roxas?"

The armored boy chuckled. "Who's Roxas?" the boy's armor disappeared, revealing a boy with windswept hair. "I'm Ventus, call me Ven."
Axel was shocked at the boy's appearerance and name. "Ventus, I can't believe you're here. You may not recognize me but I'm Lea."

Ven was shocked. "Wow Lea, you're the first I seen since I've woke up."
"Woke up, what do you mean?"

"Well I wake up in this strange chamber."

"Strange chamber, does he mean the chamber of waking? So Ventus was in that chamber." thought Axel.
Ventus walked to Namine and held out his hand. "Are you okay as well?"

Namine blushed and said, "Yeah we're alright. Thank you for saving Axel."

"No problem, just doing what keybladers do. And I'll heal you Lea, you look really beat up." Ventus walked back to Axel and casted Cura. Axel's wounds were healed but he had a rough time getting up.

"Thanks Ven and its Axel now. So can you do us a favor and help us get out of here?. I'm still winded from my battle with Larxene to open a way to Twilight Town."

"Sure." said Ventus. He holds out his keyblade and created a corridor. Namine walked up to Axel, took him under her arms, and walked through the corridor. Ven activated his armor and summoned his keyblade Glider. Ventus followed through the corridor as the corridor was gone in a flash.
Back in Twilight Town—

Roxas was finishing his mission, talking about it. "All those shadow blobs, wasn't it. I guess I'll get back to castle."

Roxas came to the corridor of darkness when a bright portal opened up and Axel and Namine walked out of the corridor. Roxas was shocked to see Axel says, "Axel, you're okay!"

Roxas walked closer to them and Axel said, "Roxas, great to see you again."

The blond haired boy smiled and looks to Namine. "And you are?"

Namine smiled and said, "I'm Namine."

Roxas smiled too and said, "Nice to meet you Namine, I'm Roxas."

"So this is Roxas, he's like Sora and that boy." thought Namine.

"So what happened at the castle and everybody else?" Roxas asked.

Axel grunted getting up and said, "Marluxia and Larxene were planning to overthrow the organization and they someone to do it. We need to get back to the castle now."

"Right." Said Roxas and with Namine's help, carries Axel to the corridor. In the Castle that never was, the other members look to see Roxas coming out of the corridor with Axel and Namine. Xigbar and the others were shocked.

"Hey it's Roxas with Axel and Namine." Demyx pointed out.

Luxord and Xaldin came to help Axel up. Saix said in false concern voice, "Axel, what happened to you?"

"Marluxia and Larxene, they planned to take over the organization. They've got 'him'" said Axel

The members of the organization knew who he meant and Saix said to Roxas, "Roxas alert lord Xemnas about this. And take Namine and Xion with you."

"Okay, come on Namine." said Roxas and walks out the Grey area with Namine Following. Xion got up from a chair and followed, looking worried for Axel. Saix looks to Axel and said, "So, how'd you escape?"

"Axel grinned a little. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Let's just say it was an old friend when we were younger, Isa."
And now at Destiny Islands—

A young red haired girl sat at a pier looking out to the sunset. Just then, a girl's voice rang out. "Kairi, are you coming!"
The red haired girl named Kairi look to see her friend Selphie. Kairi smiled and said, "Sorry Selphie, just thinking about something."
Selphie sat next to her with a concern look on her face. "It's about Riku and Sora, isn't it?"

"Yeah I really miss them, I hope there alright. But something in my heart is telling me something's happened to Sora." she clutched her heart when she said it.

"Selphie only smiled and said, "Don't worry Kairi, I'm sure Sora alright. You and Sora are connected and one day he'll come home."
Kairi chuckled. "Thanks Selphie."

The two girls hurried on home.
And finally back at Castle Oblivion—

Larxene explained her defeated by Ventus. Marluxia only laughed. "It won't matter if Axel's taking Namine back; because in 5 months time, we will strike with Sora at our side. And then the Organization will be ours to command!"

And what of these 4?" said Larxene pointing to a wall where Vexen, Lexeaus, Zexion, and the Riku Replica were knocked out and tied up,
"Xemnas will be pleased they've return, but under our control." said Marluxia.

The two laughed as the scene shows Sora in a dark bubble, have his memories change to only Namine… and helping Marluxia.

 

[CA59]

And no Kairi bashing please?

I can't promise that.

Castle Oblivion… Those who entered its walls is simply this: to find is to lose and to lose is to find. That's what one boy chooses to do.

What?? This makes no sense.

Sora... A boy chosen by the keyblade entered the castle to find his friend Riku and his friends Donald and Goofy's king named Mickey. The trio entered the castle, but suddenly lost every spell and ability they learned. Using a series of cards, the boys traveled through the worlds from Sora's memories, meeting people Sora has met. As Sora climbs the castle, he remembers a friend on the islands named Namine. But this was all a ruse made by the organization to use Sora. They used Namine, a witch with the power over Sora's memories and those connected with him, to tamper with Sora's to make him believe Namine was captured by the Organization and go through the entire castle to save her. Vexen, a scientist and number 4 of the organization created a clone of Riku to fight Sora over Namine which caused the two to tussle more. When Sora entered the 11th floor, he met Vexen who revealed that mess with Riku. When Sora, Donald, and Goofy entered the card world of Twilight Town where Sora remembered a promise to Namine to keep her safe, but when Vexen tells Sora that which is real, his memories of Namine or Twilight Town. Sora says Namine of course. Vexen added that if Sora continues following the chains of his memories, he'll become a slave to them; just like the replica. Sora fights Vexen once more, asking to change Riku. Vexen refused, telling the hero that the shackles of his memories will tighten and he'll become Marluxia's puppet. When Axel, number 7 of the Organization tried to kill Vexen, Vexen had the upper hand, stopping the Flurry of dancing flames from acceding. Vexen left with Axel following after. Sora made it to the 12th floor where Replica Riku waited for him. Riku stated that Sora will hurt Namine he goes further. Riku tells Sora the same promise that he gave to Namine; even showing Sora his lucky charm (or wayfinders for BBS players). Riku and Sora fought for the third time. Riku ran after the battle and left his wayfinder behind, which then turned into a card. Now Sora is determined to save Namine... let's see what happens.

Use paragraphs please.

Sora stood to the stairs of the next room as Donald and Goofy conversed.

Stood "to" the stairs? This doesn't make sense. I assume you mean "on", but you should have said just that. Words have different meanings.

"Aww, I don't get what's going on." Donald said.

"Let's just keep moving okay, nothing matters." Sora replied.

"It does matter, how could the two of you have the same memory?" Donald replied back, "you can't both be right!"

"I'm wrong? Then fine, don't believe me!" he exclaimed.

"That's not what he meant. We're just kinda worried." Goofy said with a hand to mouth.
"Then let's asks Namine, that'll clear it up. Look we don't have time to sit around, so let's go!" he yelled back.

You could have added more description to make up for having copied the script.

"Sora, what happened to ya?" Goofy said with a concern look on his face.

"Concern" should be past tense.

"What's that mean?" he retorted angrily.

Sora took out the card; his eyes filled with anger.

What card?

"Keep it to yourself!" he said with in a dark tension in his voice.

This needs to be fixed.

I hope you find the right choice, Sora." The cricket said with a said tone. Jiminy hopped back to other room, where Donald and Goofy stood, flabbergasted at Sora's actions and words.

"Sad", not "said". Do you mean "make the right choice"? The last bit needs to be fixed a little, and you don't need to use a 13-letter word just to show off your vocabulary, it doesn't make this story look "professional".

His heart is so full of saving only you, that he toss everything aside: Kairi, the king, and Donald and Goofy. When this is over, the organization will be ours. And Vexen, Axel, Zexion, and Lexaus will soon see our time is right."

It's spelled "Lexaeus"...

"Toss" should be past tense.

Namine sat in her corner, holding her sketchpad to her chest, worried for Sora. There was nothing she could do, but maybe she can help another.

One too many spaces after "sketchpad" (which is two words if you're referring to the item). Also, the last bit makes no sense.

day after Sora came; Riku appeared in the castle, fighting the Darkness.

Does "darkness" really need to be capped?

Riku fights Ansem, met and beat Lexaeus, Zexion, his replica, and reuniting with King Mickey.

Stop switching tenses, goddammit.

Riku left the castle with Mickey at his side, with only DIZ able to leave.

This makes no sense.

But before all that, another boy named Roxas, Number XIII of the organization was using the keyblade to collect hearts for them.

You couldn't tell us earlier?

Roxas became friends with Xion, Number XIV of the organization and another wielder of the Keyblade. At day 26, Roxas collapses on a mission and slept for days. Until day 50 when he woke up and met Xion at the Clock Tower in Twilight Town, informing Roxas that he's been asleep for 24 days. At Day 51, Roxas returns to work, but before talking to the others.

You keep switching tenses. It really makes it hard to read.

"Well, good morning Roxas. If you're about to asked about Castle Oblivion, then we don't know more than you. It's like the place is inaccessible to any of us." said Xigbar, Number II of the organization.

"Ask", not "asked". The last bit of the second sentence makes no sense.

But to Roxas, Xion, and the organization, a new tale has only just begun.

Just tell it to us instead of narrating.

Final thoughts:

This story was dull and cutout. There is no description of anything or anyone. This is really just a transscript of CoM and Days in story form.

 

[Lanydx reborn]

It's a little short but good. Also glad you finally did this.

 

[CA59]

Review in-progress.

Roxas woke up to another day of mission. Roxas' thoughts were on Axel and wondering if he and the others are alive.

This needs to be fixed. Also, the second sentence is a run-on.

"But I can get use to a smaller group, hoe 'bout you?"

"Use" should be past tense, and "hoe" should be "how".

Just then Demyx came into the Grey Area.

Run-on.

"We don't know for sure, but aleast I didn't go there."

Proofread.

colplete your mission."

"Complete" is spelled wrong.

Meanwhile in Castle Oblivion—

Transition it into the paragraph properly.

Suddenly, a corridor of darkness open and Axel walked out.

"Open" should be past tense.

"Well, it looks like they're putting more into Sora that he'll fight the entire Organization without breaking a sweat.

This doesn't make much sense.

"For starters, I'm getting you out of here and take you back to the World that never was.[/qupte]

You switched tenses randomly. Also, every single beginning letter of "The World That Never Was" should be capped.

The corridor lead them to the exit of the castle.

"Led", not "lead".

When they got closer, a voice ran out.

How does a voice "run out"?

They turn around to see Larxene, her arms folded.

"Turn" should be past tense.

Axel said, "I'm taking Namine from this castle. You have your puppet; you don't need Namine here anymore."
"Oh but you don't understand the situation Axel. With Namine here, Sora will fight even hard to see her. But Namine is important to our plan, you can't take her away."

Skip a line after Axel's dialogue. Also, "hard" should be "harder". The "but" in the last sentence doesn't need to be there.

Axel chuckled. "You never were the one to follow orders, Relena."

We don't know for sure that Relena was the name of her Somebody.

Larxene was shocked. "It's been a lot time since you've uses my name, Lea."

"A lot time"? What does that even mean?

"What can I say; I don't forget old faces, even yours. But," Axel summoned his Eternal Fame Chakrams. "You won't stop from taking Namine back."

Eternal Flames Chakrams.

Larxene's hands sparked with lightning and her Fondre knives were in her hands. "Too bad I'm stopping you!"

It's spelled "foudre".

Larxene dodged him and throws one of her thunder charged knives at him, that Axel was stunned fir a second, but throws his fire charged Chakrams at Larxene blocked them and with her lightning, traps Axel in the thunder prison.

"Throws" should be "threw", and "for" is spelled wrong. Besides that, this sentence desperately needs to be fixed. It sounds really stupid when you say it out loud.

Axel kneeled in pain as Larxene used Mega volt and hits Axel with speed and lightning.

What's Mega Volt? You need to explain that to your readers. Also, the explasnation for what she did could be better. This is also a run-on.

"Is that all you got Axel, you've gotten soft with Roxas that now you're a pushover. It'll be a shame you won't be around to see us overthrow Xemnas, so good bye Lea."

The words "now" and "that" should be switched, and "it'll" should be "it's".

She was about to slam her knives into Axel's neck when She was hit by a keyblade. Larxene turned, knives blazing with lightning when sees a boy dressed in Armor.

The second "she" doesn't need to be capped. The second sentence is awkwardly worded.

"Who are you kid and why do you have a keyblade?" she asked.

Run-on. Also, this doesn't sound like Larxene.

The armored boy remained silent and attacks Larxene with his keyblade.

"Atatcks" should be past tense.

The armored boy then cast Blizzard on Larxene; which appeared under her in large crystals. Larxene couldn't believe how powerful his kid was.

She lost too easily.

The armored boy finished Larxene with Firaga Burst.

What does Firaga Burst look like?

As the spell was over, Larxene collapsed to the ground as the Armored Boy went to help Axel. Axel looked up to see the armored boy.

You used the words "as the" too many times. The boy finally spoke. "You two okay?"

"I'm Ventus, call me Ven."

How did he come back anyway?

"Well I wake up in this strange chamber."

Woke.

"No problem, just doing what keybladers do. And I'll heal you Lea, you look really beat up." Ventus walked back to Axel and casted Cura. Axel's wounds were healed but he had a rough time getting up.

How about actually describing the effects of Cura?

"Thanks Ven and its Axel now. So can you do us a favor and help us get out of here?. I'm still winded from my battle with Larxene to open a way to Twilight Town."

First sentence is a run-on.

Second sentence has a period that shouldn't be there.

The word "too" should be before "winded".

He holds out his keyblade and created a corridor.

What's with the tense switching?

Ven activated his armor and summoned his keyblade Glider. Ventus followed through the corridor as the corridor was gone in a flash.

More description, plz. Also, you don't need to use "the corridor" twice.

Back in Twilight Town—

Transition it properly.

Roxas was shocked to see Axel says, "Axel, you're okay!"

This doesn't make sense. At all.

The blond haired boy smiled and looks to Namine. "And you are?"

Tense switching FTL.

Axel grunted getting up and said, "Marluxia and Larxene were planning to overthrow the organization and they someone to do it.

The last part needs fixing.

In the Castle that never was, the other members look to see Roxas coming out of the corridor with Axel and Namine.

Capitalize the name peoperly.

"Look" should be in past tense.

"Hey it's Roxas with Axel and Namine." Demyx pointed out.

Run-on. Also, shouldn't that be, "Hey, it's Roxas, and he's with Axel and Namine."?

Saix said in false concern voice, "Axel, what happened to you?"

The first bit needs to be fixed.

"Marluxia and Larxene, they planned to take over the organization. They've got 'him'" said Axel

Period after "Axel" and 'him'.

The members of the organization knew who he meant and Saix said to Roxas, "Roxas alert lord Xemnas about this.

Both of these are run-ons.

said Roxas and walks out the Grey area with Namine Following.

"Following" shouldn't be capped, and "Grey Area" isn't capitalized properly.

Let's just say it was an old friend when we were younger, Isa."

The word "from" should be before "when", otherwise, the sentence just sounds dumb when you say it.

And now at Destiny Islands—

Transition it properly.

"Kairi, are you coming!"

"!" should be "?".

The red haired girl named Kairi look to see her friend Selphie.

"Look" should be past tense.

with a concern look on her face.

"Concerned".

"Yeah I really miss them, I hope there alright. But something in my heart is telling me something's happened to Sora." she clutched her heart when she said it.

The first sentence is a run-on, and the second sentence doesn't sound right when said out loud. Also, "there" should be "they're".

"Selphie only smiled and said, "Don't worry Kairi, I'm sure Sora alright. You and Sora are connected and one day he'll come home."

The " in the way beginning should be taken out. The first "Sora" should be possessive.

At least we didn't get much of Kairi.

because in 5 months time, we will strike with Sora at our side.

And what of these 4?" said Larxene pointing to a wall where Vexen, Lexeaus, Zexion, and the Riku Replica were knocked out and tied up,

Spell out numbers with letters, and put a comma after "Larxene".

"Xemnas will be pleased they've return, but under our control." said Marluxia.

"Return" should be past tense.

The two laughed as the scene shows Sora in a dark bubble, have his memories change to only Namine… and helping Marluxia.

This needs much more description. You could have made an actual scene change instead of just going, "the scene shows"...

 

[OathkeeperRoxas XIII]

Kingdom Hearts 2: another story

Chapter 3

Michael: Welcome back to KH2: Another story. This will go through events of Days 74 to 254. Day 255 will be when the C.O group will return to the Castle that never was, so there will be many Days spoilers and a change in Xion's character. Please review

Chapter 3: As the days go by

Day 74

Roxas sat at the clock tower eating sea-salt ice cream, as he always dis. Roxas thought about yesterday and the events of that day: Axel's sudden return, the new girl Namine, and the C.O team's betrayal to the Organization. Roxas remembered what he asked to Xemnas.


Flashback

Xemnas was in the throne room when Roxas entered by a corridor of darkness. Xemnas was surprised by Roxas' sudden appearance.

"Roxas," he said a calm voice, "What beings you here, weren't you on a mission?"

"Yes." Roxas said, "But Axel's return and he brought her with him."

Roxas pointed to the ground where Xion walking in with Namine by her side. Xemnas was stunned.

"How did Namine and Axel get to you, Roxas?"

Roxas said to the superior, "Hard to say, Axel tells me that Marluxia and Larxene have taking over someone and plan to use this person to overthrow the organization."

Xemnas' yellow eyes narrowed after Roxas explanation. He spoke again. "Roxas, I leave you with an important task. I want you to stay close to Namine and keep her safe. When they return to the castle, they will come back for her soon enough."

"Right, I understand." said Roxas. Roxas leaves the throne room via a corridor of darkness. Xion guided Namine from the room as Xemnas watched the two friends leave. Xemnas eyed Xion and noticed her hood was down.

"That is the first time I've seen Xion's new face. When I first saw it, it was a boy, now it's the person from my memories. How are that person, Xion, Namine, Roxas, and Sora connected?" The superior thought.
End Flashback—

"Think about anything Roxas?"

Roxas looks to see Namine, Axel, and Xion appearing beside him, each of them with a sea salt ice cream in hand. Roxas simply smiled. "Nothing, I was just thinking about what I said to Xemnas." The blond haired nobody looks to Xion. "You feel okay? That lizard heartless took a real number on you."

Xion sighed. "It's nothing Roxas." She takes a bit of her ice cream. "Still, I've got a lot of practicing to do with my keyblade. Didn't you hear, everyone who's sent on missions is pulling more weight, knowing Marluxia and Larxene will come back soon."

Axel looks to Namine. "Don't you worry Namine; the three of us will protect you from them and that's a promise."

Namine smiled sweetly. "Thanks Axel."

Roxas, Axel, Namine, and Xion continued looking into the sunset.

Day 96

From day 74 to 96, Roxas went on missions with Xion to help her with her keyblade skills. She was getting really good now. After their mission in Beast's Castle, they met Axel and Namine already at the clock tower, eating ice cream. The four talked about Xion's success at her and Roxas's mission.

Day 149

Back in the Castle that never was, Xion was pacing in her room, thinking of something. Xion sighed deeply. "What did he mean I'm a sham?"

Flashback from Beast's Castle—

Xion faced a man wearing a black coat; He had silver hair with a blindfold over his eyes. Her keyblade lay on the stone ground as she kneeled in pain. The silver hair boy walked up to Xion and grabs her hood. He pulls up his blindfold to see her face and gasped. He stepped back.
"Your face; who are you really and why do you have a keyblade?"

Xion pulled down her hood and said, "Why would I tell you. But why are you dress as one of us?" her tone was full of anger.

Riku walked up to pick up Xion's keyblade. "To find my friend and save him from the organization's clutches. I don't know why you have my other friend's face, but this keyblade is a sham... worthless." He examines it, and tosses it to Xion's side.

Xion's tone turned much darker. "My keyblade's not a sham. You have no right to say that!" Xion picks up her keyblade and attacks the boy. The boy summons a wing like blade and the two attack each other. Xion knocked the boy's blade as he kneeled to the ground. Xion redraw her keyblade.

The boy panted. "How'd you get that power?" The boy got up and said, "Take my advice and find a new crowd. Those guys are bad news."

The boy got up and walked away. Xion yelled, "What about you, you're the real sham!"

Riku turns his head to Xion and said, eyeing the hooded girl. "Fair enough, you could say that I'm the biggest nobody of them all."
The boy walks from Xion's viewpoint and Xion was confused and angry.

Present time—

Xion stared out into the window, looking at the Kingdom Hearts moon. "Why would I believe some imposter?"

Day 150

Roxas walks into Twilight's view to hear Xion talking to Saix. "And that's all I know from fighting him."

Saix turned, his expression not changing. "I see, I will inform the superior about how strong this imposter is." He looks back to Xion. "The next time you see him you eliminate him, understood?"

"Yes." She nodded.

Saix leaves the area as Roxas walked up. "Hey, what happened on your mission?"

Xion look to Roxas and said, "Noting to worry about, I'll tell you someday. I have to go."

Xion walks away from Roxas as Roxas head to the grey room to receive his mission.

Day 152

Roxas met Xion in Twilight Town during her mission to defeat a heartless and his mission to collect organization badges. The two teamed up to finish their mission and return to the clock tower.

"Hey Xion, what happened on that mission you were assign too?"

Xion toke a bit of her ice cream and said, "You know that there's an imposter wearing our cloak. The others thought it would be Marluxia or Larxene, so they send me to do it. Figures a keyblade wielder can handle this. When I thought him, I almost lose, but when I decided to fight him again, I had the upper hand." She took another bite.

Roxas was impressed. "Wow Xion, you must really beat him. But he got away?"

Xion takes one more bit of her ice cream. "My mission was to investigate the imposter, but if I meet him again, I must eliminate him."

"Oh." Roxas said.

Xion held out her ice cream and said, "Hey Roxas, why are we a part of the organization?"

Roxas replied, "To have heart of our own, right?"

"I guess, but do we really need it?" Xion replied back.

"I dunno, but that's what the organization wants to do. Besides, Xigbar said were both special." said Roxas.

Xion looks to Roxas and said, "Yeah we're special, but I have something that makes us different." She places an arm around Roxas. "And that is having you as a great friend. You are my best friend, so are Axel and Namine."

Roxas smiled brightly. "Thanks Xion."

The two were greeted by Axel and Namine. The four friends watch the sunset, eating their ice cream.

(A/N: I think I handle that well, don't you? I'm going to skip Day 171 since that day involves Sora sleep and Xion collapsing, all of us wanted that gone. And what they're doing to Sora hasn't affected Roxas and Xion yet, you'll see. Besides, Saix insulting is the worst, so we head to Day 193)

Day 193

Roxas, Axel, and Xion continued their missions after Xion returns from looking for the imposter in worlds she and Roxas have been to. Xion has found no trace of him. The trio had their mission together in Twilight Town; they were doing fine until Xion had a series of fainting fits after the mission that they return to the castle. Walking through Twilight's view, Axel was carrying Xion as Saix appeared.

"Well, that didn't take long. Did it break?"

Roxas looked confused. "What are you talking about, Xion's not—"

Axel walked passed Saix saying, "Stay out of it and keep it to yourself."

Roxas followed Axel as the two nobodies were out of sight. Saix said, "You've have changed… Something at Castle Oblivion changed you. Does the past mean nothing to you now?"

Axel and Roxas gathered at Xion's room as the black haired nobody was rubbing the back of her head. Roxas look to Axel and asked, "Why you're so worried so much about Xion, Axel?"

"What are you talking about?" Axel asked.

"Doesn't seem like you?" Roxas replied.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"You hate complications."

Axel fell silent. He finally spoke. "Roxas… I meet up with you three to eat ice cream, why do I do that?"

"Huh?" Roxas said.

"I mean, you think about it, I don't need you go out of my way right?"

"I guess not." Roxas said, stroking his chin.

"You wanna know why I do?" Axel said to him. "Because we're friends, the four of us… we're inseparable."

"We are?" Roxas said in a gasp.

"That's right— got it memorized. And you know what? Best friends are willing to deal with complications."

"Yeah… Yeah, you said it!" Roxas said smiling.

"Heh Heh." Xion said, giggling. "That was sweet Axel, thank you/"

Axel rubbed the back of his hair to hide a blush as Roxas asked, "You feeling better?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry I worried you two." She said.

"Don't scare us like that anymore, huh?" Axel asked.

"Yeah." She said nodding.

"And take it easy today." Axel said smiling.

"I will, Thanks." She said giggling.

Meanwhile in Namine's room, she was drawing a picture of Axel, herself, Roxas, and Xion. She looked to her finished drawing and sighed. "They're getting close, but will it be enough?"

Day 224

Namine sat in her room, thinking about Roxas, Xion, and Sora. "It's getting worse, I can feel it. If they continue to pour more into Sora, those false memories I help plant, and what will affect Roxas and Xion. Riku... DIZ… if you're out there, those preparation to safety take Sora's memories from them is ready… we are running out of time."

Day 254

Roxas, Axel, Namine, and Xion were sitting at the clock tower, when Demyx appears next to them. "There you four are, I've been looking for you."

"What's wrong, Demyx?" asked Xion.

"Well, the good news, a dusk got into the Castle, but the bad news is that what they're doing in there is ready tomorrow."
"What?" the four said.

"You've better head back to the castle that never was now." Demyx instructed.

Axel looks to his friends. "We better head back."

"Right." The three said.

Back at the Castle that never was—

"You've got to be kidding?" roared Axel.

"Kidding, as if, we wouldn't be kidding when that dusk told us. Form what it knows, Marluxia and Larxene have captured Vexen, Leaxeus, Zexion, and some boy, and their little project is ready." explained Xigbar.

"Well, this will be an interesting game now." said Luxord, holding a pair of cards in his hands.

"So, what's the plan?" asked Xaldin.

The members look to Xemnas. The superior said, "We will welcome them on their little invasion. Roxas, Xion, Axel, I leave it to you."

"Yes superior." The three said.

The four friends left the grey area as everyone expect Saix and Xemnas were left. The Lunar Divider looked to Xemnas. "Sir, why risk our keyblade wielders to those traitors?"

Xemnas spoke in his monologue voice. "I want to see this boy's power once more."

"Oh course sir." Saix said.

That's chapter 3, next chapter, the traitors return and Roxas, Axel, and Xion battle Sora.

 

[CA59]

Chapter 3 Review In-Progress

Chapter 3: As the days go by

Capitalize the title properly.

Roxas sat at the clock tower eating sea-salt ice cream, as he always dis.

"Did" is spelled wrong.

and the C.O team's betrayal to the Organization. Roxas remembered what he asked to Xemnas.

Don't use initials for "Castle Oblivion", it just looks lazy.

Xemnas was in the throne room when Roxas entered by a corridor of darkness. Xemnas was surprised by Roxas' sudden appearance.

The first sentence isn't that bad, but it would be better if "by" was "through". Also, Xemnas really can't be surprised, being a Nobody and all.

"Yes." Roxas said, "But Axel's return and he brought her with him."

"Return" should be past tense.

"Think about anything Roxas?"

Run-on.

each of them with a sea salt ice cream in hand.

If all of them were eating ice cream, why didn't you say that in the beginning? You made it seem like only Roxas was eating it.

After their mission in Beast's Castle, they met Axel and Namine already at the clock tower, eating ice cream.

The word "already" is misplaced.

Back in the Castle that never was, Xion was pacing in her room, thinking of something. Xion sighed deeply. "What did he mean I'm a sham?"

Dear Lord, here comes the whining.

"Why would I tell you. But why are you dress as one of us?" her tone was full of anger.

"Dress" should be past tense.

Xion's tone turned much darker. "My keyblade's not a sham. You have no right to say that!" Xion picks up her keyblade and attacks the boy. The boy summons a wing like blade and the two attack each other. Xion knocked the boy's blade as he kneeled to the ground. Xion redraw her keyblade.

The word "Xion" is used too many times here. You don't even use the word "she". You're gonna have to describe Riku's blade more. The last sentence should be fixed.

The boy panted. "How'd you get that power?" The boy got up and said, "Take my advice and find a new crowd. Those guys are bad news."

You could have just used "he" instead of using "the boy" for the second time.

Riku turns his head to Xion and said, eyeing the hooded girl. "Fair enough, you could say that I'm the biggest nobody of them all."
The boy walks from Xion's viewpoint and Xion was confused and angry.

Again, you use her name too many times. Also, the last sentence is a run-on.

Xion stared out into the window, looking at the Kingdom Hearts moon. "Why would I believe some imposter?"

Then stop dwelling on it.

Xion walks away from Roxas as Roxas head to the grey room to receive his mission.

No more than five words apart and you've already used the word "Roxas" twice.

Roxas met Xion in Twilight Town during her mission to defeat a heartless and his mission to collect organization badges. The two teamed up to finish their mission and return to the clock tower.

This needs to be fixed.

Xion toke a bit of her ice cream and said, "You know that there's an imposter wearing our cloak. The others thought it would be Marluxia or Larxene, so they send me to do it.

"Toke" should be "took", and "Send" should be past tense.

When I thought him, I almost lose, but when I decided to fight him again, I had the upper hand." She took another bite.

"Thought" should be "fought".

Roxas was impressed. "Wow Xion, you must really beat him. But he got away?"

This makes no sense.

Xion takes one more bit of her ice cream.

"Bite", not "bit".

Roxas replied, "To have heart of our own, right?"

"Heart" shoule be plural.

Xion looks to Roxas and said, "Yeah we're special, but I have something that makes us different." She places an arm around Roxas. "And that is having you as a great friend. You are my best friend, so are Axel and Namine."

Wow, that made very little sense. Obviously, if they're both special, she doesn't need to say she has something that makes the two of them different. Also, she could have just said the three of them are her best friends.

The two were greeted by Axel and Namine. The four friends watch the sunset, eating their ice cream.

"Watch" should be past tense, and the transitioning between the two sentences sucked.

(A/N: I think I handle that well, don't you? I'm going to skip Day 171 since that day involves Sora sleep and Xion collapsing, all of us wanted that gone. And what they're doing to Sora hasn't affected Roxas and Xion yet, you'll see. Besides, Saix insulting is the worst, so we head to Day 193)

Why is there an author's note in the middle of your story? It's distracting.

Roxas, Axel, and Xion continued their missions after Xion returns from looking for the imposter in worlds she and Roxas have been to. Xion has found no trace of him.

Not too bad, except for the tense switching.

Xion had a series of fainting fits after the mission that they return to the castle.

Lame......

This bit could use some fixing.

Walking through Twilight's view

"Twilight's View" isn't capitalized properly.

"You've have changed… Something at Castle Oblivion changed you. Does the past mean nothing to you now?"

Was the "..." necessary?

"I mean, you think about it, I don't need you go out of my way right?"

"When" before the first "you", and the second "you" should be "to".

"You wanna know why I do?" Axel said to him. "Because we're friends, the four of us… we're inseparable."

The "..." doesn't really need to be there.

"That's right— got it memorized. And you know what? Best friends are willing to deal with complications."

"Got" should be "get".

"Heh Heh." Xion said, giggling. "That was sweet Axel, thank you/"

The "/" should be a period.

Axel rubbed the back of his hair to hide a blush as Roxas asked, "You feeling better?"

That's creepy.

Namine sat in her room, thinking about Roxas, Xion, and Sora. "It's getting worse, I can feel it. If they continue to pour more into Sora, those false memories I help plant, and what will affect Roxas and Xion. Riku... DIZ… if you're out there, those preparation to safety take Sora's memories from them is ready… we are running out of time."

"Help" should be "helped", and I think you meant, "..those false memories I helped plant will affect Roxas and Xion.". "Safety" should be "safely", "preparation" should be plural, and "is" should be "are".

Not as much was copied from the Days script as the previous chapters, but it still doesn't really justify calling it "Another Story".

Oh, your grammar is bad and you should re-read and edit what your write.

 

[Fractured_Heart628]

I really can't wait to read more, man.

 

[OathkeeperRoxas XIII]

I really can't wait to read more, man.

Thank you, I'm glad to have another reader.