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Alright here it is ... The first 5 lines are pretty weak writing!
Chapter 5 : Aftermath.
The heartless examined the gun,trying to find the trigger. His face seemed to have a hint of joyfullness and his feet twitched playfully. He began to slowly push his fingers deep into the barrel until it got stuck. His eyes widened to an amazing size as he finally realised that he was stuck. His arms flung up in the air and he jumped around in a pathetic but almost comic fashion. Regan and Vires stood rooted to the spot gawping at the pitiful stupidity of the heartless, this was the best enemy that the darkness could throw at them and it was killing itself. It tapped it's anxiously placed it's other hand on the handle and pulled with all it's might, it's head nearly bursting from the effort that it was putting in. The gun started to vibrate and Vires and Regan dived onto the floor as it let out a deafing shot.
It stood completely still for a moment struck dumb by pain and shock, if it could feel such things. The gun dropped to the ground with a clatter, and the heartless turned to Vires. The left side of it's face had completley disappeared leaving a giant rip down the middle of it's forehead. The remains of it's face lay wriggling and squirming on the floor which gradually faded away into darkness. WIth an emotional groan the heartless fell but before it could hit the floor, it's whole body was swallowed up, by the ever growing mouth of the dark abyss.
Vires regained his feet and let out a loud sigh of relief as a few minutes ago he had been fearing for his life, he looked at Regan across the room who was sitting on the floor gasping for breath. They looked at eachother for a minute or two. The fight had made Regan completley forget about what the heartless had said earlier.
"I didn't know you had gotten so rusty." He laughed. Vires didn't take it as an insult, he had just found it amazing at how short a time it would take for Regan to pretend not to remember and attempt to carry on as normal. Regan walked over to him and put his hand on Vires' shoulder.
"I think it's these stupid heavy cloaks!" He chuckled and let out nervous squeak of a laugh. He lifted Vires hood over his head so he couldn't see his blue eyes. Vires didn't care anymore, he needed an answer.
"What the heartless said..." He paused pulling his hood back and looking at Regan. Regan's smile faded.
"...Was it true?" There was a silence as Regan crouched down to Vires' level.
"... No, how could you even think about believing something like that over me?" He exclaimed. Vires realised how stupid he had been.
" Your right, I...I'm sorry"
Regan patted his head and walked up the stairs.
But surspicion still lurked in Vires' mind. Choking his train of thought.
That was pretty good. Short but good. I can see like you said that the first five lines were pretty weak. But I have bad writing days too so it's not too bad. Keep writing I want to see what the twist is in the middle of the book.
I just wanted to post. I wasn't for sure if you were looking for more people to review your story before you posted your next chapter. If that's the case don't worry. People are reading it even when they don't respond. Just look at how many times the thread has been viewed. Not everyone who has read the story posted criticism. Don't stop updating if you can. But if you're busy because of school than it's alright. :thumbsup: