Help/Support ► More harm than good?

[Johnny Stooge]

So I got off the phone with my girlfriend about an hour ago and I'm having all these thoughts about the talk we just had.

For context's sake, I feel we are very rocky right now. I love her and I know she loves me but more so than ever we've been fighting over the stupidest stuff. Last night we argued because I'm not a big fan of popcorn and ice cream.

This morning she woke up to the news that the company she works for has gone into voluntary administration. It's likely that the business will continue but it'll have to be sold and her job might be in jeopardy. So all day we've been talking about how it's probably best that she start applying for new jobs and all this is looming over her plans to move out of home in the next week. She sounded very defeated at the moment and I tried to give her a bit of a pep talk. It worked for the most part, and then we hit a snag.

As everyone here should know I love to be an ass. I delight in saying horrible things for no other reason than to simply say them. But I make it very, very clear that I do not mean them. These are things that are said with absolute facetious intent.

Basically she said something along the lines of "You're right, I have been a bit of a sook lately", to which I responded with something like "You are a sook, but I still love you". From that, I think we hit an epiphany.

I have always always done this. Most people here can attest that I've been this way for years and my girlfriend said it herself during the conversation that I have always done this, even before we were a couple and that she doesn't want me to change. But she told me that when I do this to her, that she feels like this might be part of why she is this way now.

Elaborating, she's simply not as confident a person as she used be when we first started dating. Her confidence has deteriorated whilst mine has bettered for being in a relationship.

I never meant for any of the things I do to do this to her, if I am responsible in whole or part. I engage in this behaviour with practically everyone and for the most part it's well received. But those people are not my girlfriend. And now I'm left wondering.

Am I, as her boyfriend, inadvertently harming her as a person? Is this reasonable? Does this make sense? Am I fucking horrible person and boyfriend?

 

[Ehres]

I think you're just facetious and, yeah, from first-hand I know you rarely mean anything nasty you say. While it's good to be proud and confident of who you are it doesn't mean you should disregard, even if you may not mean to, how others feel. While one person might laugh and joke at being called one name jokingly, another might take it seriously simply because, like you, that's just how they are. Accommodation works both ways. You should just be aware of what you're saying in future and make a mental note before you say something and think if it's going to be received happily or harmfully.

 

[Wehrmacht]

No I don't think you're a bad person, but if she feels that it might be a little excessive in regards to how she takes it, you may want to tone it down a little and try to be more sensitive around her. If she asks why, be honest and tell her you felt bad because she gave you the impression your snarky comments may have had a negative effect on her self-esteem.

 

[inasuma]

So I got off the phone with my girlfriend about an hour ago and I'm having all these thoughts about the talk we just had.

For context's sake, I feel we are very rocky right now. I love her and I know she loves me but more so than ever we've been fighting over the stupidest stuff. Last night we argued because I'm not a big fan of popcorn and ice cream.

This morning she woke up to the news that the company she works for has gone into voluntary administration. It's likely that the business will continue but it'll have to be sold and her job might be in jeopardy. So all day we've been talking about how it's probably best that she start applying for new jobs and all this is looming over her plans to move out of home in the next week. She sounded very defeated at the moment and I tried to give her a bit of a pep talk. It worked for the most part, and then we hit a snag.

As everyone here should know I love to be an ass. I delight in saying horrible things for no other reason than to simply say them. But I make it very, very clear that I do not mean them. These are things that are said with absolute facetious intent.

Basically she said something along the lines of "You're right, I have been a bit of a sook lately", to which I responded with something like "You are a sook, but I still love you". From that, I think we hit an epiphany.

I have always always done this. Most people here can attest that I've been this way for years and my girlfriend said it herself during the conversation that I have always done this, even before we were a couple and that she doesn't want me to change. But she told me that when I do this to her, that she feels like this might be part of why she is this way now.

Elaborating, she's simply not as confident a person as she used be when we first started dating. Her confidence has deteriorated whilst mine has bettered for being in a relationship.

I never meant for any of the things I do to do this to her, if I am responsible in whole or part. I engage in this behaviour with practically everyone and for the most part it's well received. But those people are not my girlfriend. And now I'm left wondering.

Am I, as her boyfriend, inadvertently harming her as a person? Is this reasonable? Does this make sense? Am I fucking horrible person and boyfriend?

I don't think you're a horrible person for it at all. But if it's harming her, you may want to discuss things you can do to better her confidence. Whether that means being less of a sarcastic fucker or doing something else is entirely up in the air.

Even if it isn't harmful, it can have unintended negative effects. Even positive things can have small negative or positive perks that make the end result less than ideal. So maybe try and figure out a way to get to where she needs to be on a psychological level without entirely deteriorating what already makes your relationship work (which it must be, considering you've been together for a long time, yes?).

Just my $.02

 

[Reflection]

if you do this to everyone how is she to feel special

 

[Rydgea]

The fact you made this thread is proof you're not a horrible person and that you genuinely care for her. I think most couples engaging in sassy, teasing behavior every now and then, but if her confidence has diminished, there is a sign of damage. However, I always find that these issues are best resolved between couples themselves. Keep the lines of communication open, and use common sense to gauge yourself - listen, watch her body language, etc.

her opinions > ours

 

[Professor Ven]

Just try to restrain yourself a bit for now with remarks like that Stoogey and up it some with any "good" compliments. Your girlfriend, while used to your remarks and Stoogespeak probably has just been floating near rock bottom and it just affected her, etc.

 

[Johnny Stooge]

if you do this to everyone how is she to feel special

god i hate girls like you.

but if her confidence has diminished, there is a sign of damage.

This is what I'm worried about most. If I'm damaging her confidence, isn't that tantamount to emotional abuse? I never wanted to be that guy.

 

[Annoyance]

As someone who had an emotionally abusive boyfriend, I can say that what you do isn't emotional abuse. It doesn't help much, but it isn't abuse. My ex broke me. I still get nervous around people, I feel like I'm going to get yelled at all the time for the smallest thing again and it's terrifying. I still sometimes don't feel good enough.

Now, maybe her confidence is lowered, but it probably isn't all on you. There could be a lot of things and you could just be a tiny part of that, rather than a direct link to it. I think maybe just during times like these where it's hard on her, stressful for her, just tone it down, give it a break till things get sorted out, she gets a new job/figures out the job stuff, she's moved out, etc. It's probably why the random fights are happening? I'm not sure, but stress can fuck you up and from what I can tell, she's going through a bit all at once.

Sorry if I don't help much but it's all I can really say.