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Gatorade

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Hello KHI, I just finished my college essay with a prompt similar to "What experiences have changed you and will make you a better student on campus?" I would really appreciate any feedback whatsoever, whether it is a grammatical error on my part or that you hated it and why or what I can change to make it better. Thanks a lot!

[FONT=&quot] At 9 PM on September 22nd, 2010, an 18 year old male committed suicide by jumping off of the George Washington Bridge. His name was Tyler Clementi and he was a freshman at Rutgers University. It all started 2 days prior when his roommate secretly recorded Tyler and another male alone in Tyler’s dorm. The video was posted on the internet and soon went viral and Tyler was so embarrassed that he took his own life.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Unfortunately, events such as this are not uncommon among today’s youth. The only solution is to open the minds and hearts of the young people who have not been able to this for themselves. A way to accomplish this is to have a voice. Having an opinion and expressing it is one of the greatest abilities a person can have. Regardless of my personal views towards this and other controversial topics, I certainly do not want people hurting themselves because of the ignorance of others. I can be this voice that the world is so desperately in need of.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] This past summer, I attended American Legion Jersey Boys State. At Boys State, we were taught many things including government systems, leadership, politics, and debate. All of these will help me in life but at the moment, what we were taught about debate is the most important. We learned how to express our thoughts ethically and respectfully. Using this skill will not only help me as a person, but it will make my future college campus a more accepting and understanding place.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] In the 1960s and 1970s, there were a plethora of college protests against political activity, more specifically, the Vietnam War. The Kent State Massacre was one of the most well-known college protest in which the Ohio National Guard was called in and ended up shooting and killing 4 students while wounding 9 others. Obviously, this type of violent protest is not going to do anything except create more violence. It is now the year 2010 and we are in the middle of another controversial war. While I am sure there have been protests against this War on Terror, there has not been a “Kent State” or anything with publicity on that scale. Is it possible that students are indifferent to what is going on in the world around them? I would hope not. Students need to speak their mind and express their opinions instead of just sitting back and letting this all happen.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Diversity and acceptance is now being taught to kids as young as 10 years old. This is most definitely a step in the right direction. But it is not enough. Hate crimes are still happening all over whether we acknowledge them or not. It is necessary to make everyone aware of the problems and try to make them empathize from another point of view in order to avoid more instances such as Tyler Clementi’s. The world is looking for someone to speak out and I can be that someone.[/FONT]
 

tangerine

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Your writing is pretentious, redundant and pointless. Nearly every other teenager is going to make the mistake of writing in the exact manner that you did. Those who don't are the ones who will be accepted. Stick to answering the question at hand. Administration doesn't care about current or past events that have nothing to do with you. Unless the student that killed himself is your brother or is somehow magically you before you were reincarnated, they won't even read anything beyond the first sentence. This means you have to make a real impression in the first sentence; hook them in and seem interesting. You have a limit on how many words you can use, therefore you should make use of them to their fullest instead of wasting time and effort. (If you don't have a word limit, then you should consider yourself extremely lucky and you shouldn't waste the chance.) Again: they won't read anything beyond the first sentence if you don't. Other than that, there are many minor grammatical errors that I'm sure you'd notice with a simple revision.
 

Gatorade

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Your writing is pretentious, redundant and pointless. Nearly every other teenager is going to make the mistake of writing in the exact manner that you did. Those who don't are the ones who will be accepted. Stick to answering the question at hand. Administration doesn't care about current or past events that have nothing to do with you. Unless the student that killed himself is your brother or is somehow magically you before you were reincarnated, they won't even read anything beyond the first sentence. This means you have to make a real impression in the first sentence; hook them in and seem interesting. You have a limit on how many words you can use, therefore you should make use of them to their fullest instead of wasting time and effort. (If you don't have a word limit, then you should consider yourself extremely lucky and you shouldn't waste the chance.) Again: they won't read anything beyond the first sentence if you don't. Other than that, there are many minor grammatical errors that I'm sure you'd notice with a simple revision.
Okay, thank you. I don't really know how to fix this though. I can see what you mean about being pretentious but I don't see how it's redundant or pointless. Examples would be a big help.

amaefuma, what do you mean?
 

tangerine

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Fixing it would require a rewrite. As I wrote in bold font in my first post, you should stick to answering the question at hand, which is: "what experiences have changed you and will make you a better student on campus?" What they're asking for here are personal experiences that have shaped you. They don't want to know about things that they can find anywhere else and that are irrelevant; they want to know about you. What makes you a good student for them? Why are you that student? Instead of answering them clearly, you almost gave them a news report and a history lesson.

At the same time, they don't want you to oversell yourself and come off as pretentious, which you do. (I'm not insulting you when I say this, by the way!) Look at your final sentence, for example: "The world is looking for someone to speak out and I can be that someone." Is the world is looking for someone? Are they looking for you? I doubt that. If you're really capable of being that person, why do you need the College's help? Why do you need to be admitted to the program that they're offering if you're already so capable? Now, don't make the mistake of changing this to state that you will work to be that kind of person in the future, because that's still not what they're asking. You should show humility. They just want to know about you now--the student. Emphasize positive traits that you possess such as effort and talent or otherwise because those are qualities of a good student, and, of course, let them know how you acquired these traits.

When you wrote of what you'd learned from your classes and from debating, that was on the right track because you were finally answering the question. Is it the most interesting thing in the world? No--it isn't, really, but the point is that's an experienced that helped shape your character. Don't wander away from the question. As I stated before, you should make use of every word. You first sentence is also extremely important, so make it count the most.

Your current text is redundant because you not only tell of the boy's suicide and the Vietnam War, but you go into more unnecessary detail that's already clear afterward. More redundancy persists in your personal experience, where you write a few things that you learned and where you learned them, but all you actually focus on is the debate aspect. The reason why the whole is pointless should be obvious: almost nothing you write matters.

I hope things are more clear now and I wish you luck in your application.
 

Et Cetera

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Fixing it would require a rewrite. As I wrote in bold font in my first post, you should stick to answering the question at hand, which is: "what experiences have changed you and will make you a better student on campus?" What they're asking for here are personal experiences that have shaped you. They don't want to know about things that they can find anywhere else and that are irrelevant; they want to know about you. What makes you a good student for them? Why are you that student? Instead of answering them clearly, you almost gave them a news report and a history lesson.

At the same time, they don't want you to oversell yourself and come off as pretentious, which you do. (I'm not insulting you when I say this, by the way!) Look at your final sentence, for example: "The world is looking for someone to speak out and I can be that someone." Is the world is looking for someone? Are they looking for you? I doubt that. If you're really capable of being that person, why do you need the College's help? Why do you need to be admitted to the program that they're offering if you're already so capable? Now, don't make the mistake of changing this to state that you will work to be that kind of person in the future, because that's still not what they're asking. You should show humility. They just want to know about you now--the student. Emphasize positive traits that you possess such as effort and talent or otherwise because those are qualities of a good student, and, of course, let them know how you acquired these traits.

When you wrote of what you'd learned from your classes and from debating, that was on the right track because you were finally answering the question. Is it the most interesting thing in the world? No--it isn't, really, but the point is that's an experienced that helped shape your character. Don't wander away from the question. As I stated before, you should make use of every word. You first sentence is also extremely important, so make it count the most.

Your current text is redundant because you not only tell of the boy's suicide and the Vietnam War, but you go into more unnecessary detail that's already clear afterward. More redundancy persists in your personal experience, where you write a few things that you learned and where you learned them, but all you actually focus on is the debate aspect. The reason why the whole is pointless should be obvious: almost nothing you write matters.

I hope things are more clear now and I wish you luck in your application.

tl;dr version: delete everything and write a new essay that is about yourself.


EDIT: douche post.
Do try to include more personal, anecdotal information. Idealism is great and all, but you want to show the admissions department your own voice. Consider making your entire essay --or a large portion of it-- about Boys State, what you learned from it, and how that experience makes you right for this university. Don't be afraid to use the name of the school in your essay, but make sure you don't accidentally re-use this essay without editing the name.

You probably have a 500-or-so word limit, so make sure anything that doesn't need to be said or said twice is removed so as to fit in more bragging (for lack of a better word).
 
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tangerine

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tl;dr version: delete everything and write a new essay that is about yourself.

That's not really what I wrote, nor does that cater to what he asked for. I already stated that bit, which you just made more vague, in my first post. The second was made as he required more information and explanations because he wasn't sure how to proceed. Your extremely vague "summary" doesn't explain anything at all. Please don't demean my post when the whole of it is actually necessary to him.
 

Et Cetera

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So, douchebagery on my part aside, reading yours inspired me to finally edit my essay. I had my English teacher and guidance counselor read the rough draft; it might help you to read other essays, so here it is:
Spoiler Spoiler Show


/is using gatorade's thread to also grub for cnc
 

Gatorade

Naturally, we called it Gatorade
Joined
Oct 26, 2008
Messages
2,465
Location
Gainesville, Florida
Fixing it would require a rewrite. As I wrote in bold font in my first post, you should stick to answering the question at hand, which is: "what experiences have changed you and will make you a better student on campus?" What they're asking for here are personal experiences that have shaped you. They don't want to know about things that they can find anywhere else and that are irrelevant; they want to know about you. What makes you a good student for them? Why are you that student? Instead of answering them clearly, you almost gave them a news report and a history lesson.

At the same time, they don't want you to oversell yourself and come off as pretentious, which you do. (I'm not insulting you when I say this, by the way!) Look at your final sentence, for example: "The world is looking for someone to speak out and I can be that someone." Is the world is looking for someone? Are they looking for you? I doubt that. If you're really capable of being that person, why do you need the College's help? Why do you need to be admitted to the program that they're offering if you're already so capable? Now, don't make the mistake of changing this to state that you will work to be that kind of person in the future, because that's still not what they're asking. You should show humility. They just want to know about you now--the student. Emphasize positive traits that you possess such as effort and talent or otherwise because those are qualities of a good student, and, of course, let them know how you acquired these traits.

When you wrote of what you'd learned from your classes and from debating, that was on the right track because you were finally answering the question. Is it the most interesting thing in the world? No--it isn't, really, but the point is that's an experienced that helped shape your character. Don't wander away from the question. As I stated before, you should make use of every word. You first sentence is also extremely important, so make it count the most.

Your current text is redundant because you not only tell of the boy's suicide and the Vietnam War, but you go into more unnecessary detail that's already clear afterward. More redundancy persists in your personal experience, where you write a few things that you learned and where you learned them, but all you actually focus on is the debate aspect. The reason why the whole is pointless should be obvious: almost nothing you write matters.

I hope things are more clear now and I wish you luck in your application.
Thanks so much I will definitely consider all of this when I revise it. I'll post with the updated essay when it is finished. I appreciate the help and the (brutal) honesty.
tl;dr version: delete everything and write a new essay that is about yourself.


EDIT: douche post.
Do try to include more personal, anecdotal information. Idealism is great and all, but you want to show the admissions department your own voice. Consider making your entire essay --or a large portion of it-- about Boys State, what you learned from it, and how that experience makes you right for this university. Don't be afraid to use the name of the school in your essay, but make sure you don't accidentally re-use this essay without editing the name.

You probably have a 500-or-so word limit, so make sure anything that doesn't need to be said or said twice is removed so as to fit in more bragging (for lack of a better word).
Yeah, the limit is 500 words and I'm using it for my common app essay too so I can't name a school. I agree, I should write more about Boys State, thanks.
So, douchebagery on my part aside, reading yours inspired me to finally edit my essay. I had my English teacher and guidance counselor read the rough draft; it might help you to read other essays, so here it is:
Spoiler Spoiler Show


/is using gatorade's thread to also grub for cnc
Kinda funny because this was my essay for UF also.
 

Gatorade

Naturally, we called it Gatorade
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Yes, I know, I'm double-posting. Oh well.

I used some of the advice given to me in this thread to write my Villanova University supplementary essay. Please read through it and give feedback. Again, I appreciate every word of feedback given and it does not go to waste. For example, I read through all the feedback for my first essay and used it to write this second essay. I hope this one is much better. Here's the prompt:

One of the core values of Villanova, as an Augustinian university founded on the teachings of St. Augustine, is that student and faculty learn from each other. As you imagine yourself as a member of the Villanova community, what is one lesson that you have learned in your life that you will want to share with others?

[FONT=&quot] “Giving 100%” and “hard work is the key to success” are old adages that kids are taught from the very beginning. As cliché as they may be, they are absolutely true. Hard work goes a long way and will pay off in the end. This is a lesson I learned from a very young age and have lived by ever since.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] The reality is that life is difficult. There are many steps that one must go through in order to be successful and to be happy. Nothing would be accomplished without a little hard work. I did not have a rough childhood like many other applicants. I never really have needed to work hard to survive. But I know that when this school year ends, I will be on my way to college. I will be my own independent person who can rely on no one but myself to thrive. Even though I might have not experienced the hardships that many other teenagers have experienced at such a young age, I am aware of what is needed out of me in the next few years of my life. I am willing to take these challenges head on and flourish. I understand that nothing, from this point on, will be handed to me and I am ready to be diligent with every aspect of my life.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Although I did not grow up in a foreign country or lose family members in a natural disaster, my life has not been a walk in the park. Yes, I have been blessed with a loving family who has been able to support me so far in life. But I have not just sat back and let the world pass me by. I have been very active in school and in extra-curriculars; always pushing to make myself the best I can be. As my grades and activities show, I have toiled throughout high school to make myself well-rounded and successful. I know what it means to be a hard-worker and I also know how rewarding it can be when the hard work pays off.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] While some of the students in my class will not be heading to college next year, I will be. I hope to attend the Villanova University because it exemplifies everything I imagine my college experience to be. Villanova prides itself on its academics and its campus life. These are two things that I have found to be very important in my high school. I have worked tremendously hard keeping my grades the way they are and also balancing the schoolwork with the social side of school including clubs, theater, and community service. I have been extremely proficient with using my time wisely in order to work hard and this will be apparent when I arrive at the Villanova campus next year.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Every student accepted and enrolled into Villanova has been able to accomplish great things; otherwise they would not have been admitted into this prestigious university. This being said, I also believe that some students have been able to slide right by on pure intellect alone. My future peers will need to learn how important hard-work can be and I will be more than happy to share this with them in the upcoming years. I know I will be able to improve the community of Villanova University and Villanova University will be able to improve me as a student and as a human being.[/FONT]



I tried to get to the point, be less redundant, talk about myself more, and mention facts about the specific college. I hope I succeeded!
 
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