A
Azrael
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As always another great chapter.
Can't complain!
Can't complain!
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"May the power live on forever..." That line almost made me cry. But anyways, another great episode.
Aw. Filler? You're only saying that because the first five seasons of PR were not like, serialized. (Yes.) XD
But it's nice anyway. ^^ The episodes are complex.
Spoiler Show
Michael started fighting a fat man with white face paint. "Maybe you don't know me, but my name's Javelin. Got it memorized?" With his dual-bladed laser sword, he slashed Michael on the chest, ripping his suit. Then, Michael took his Street Saber and attacked Javelin with it. (1)Then, Michael spun and shot Javelin in the chest with his Engine Blaster. The blast sent Javelin to the floor.
(2)Now, it was Future Evan's turn. He pulled out his Turbo Cannon and began fighting Ghoul, who attacked him with a buzzsaw. Evan fired his Turbo Cannon at Ghoul's hand, knocking the buzzsaw away. But(3), Ghoul was a step ahead of him. He pulled out another buzzsaw and ran towards Evan. Evan dropped his Turbo Cannon and summoned all his strength (4)to his hand. Evan punched Ghoul's buzzsaw, breaking it. He then punch Ghoul in the chin, sending the henchman into the air and then back to the ground. He was knocked out cold.
1. Sentence structure repetitiveness. Maybe try using something like "after that" the two then's don't flow very well.
2. No now, it switches the tense.
3. no comma after "but" You should probably keep it as one sentence too(it sounds a little less choppy), so it would be "Evan fired his Turbo Cannon at Ghoul's hand, knocking the buzzsaw away, but Ghoul was a step ahead of him."
4. "to his hand" just sounds weird. You could take out that part. There's really no need for it.
1. This part confused me, who are these girls and where did they come from?Next up was Rich. He pulled out his Howl Laser, but before he could do anything with it, two girls, both named Dee Dee, came up on him and grabbed him with two saber whips(1). (2)They began electrocuting him with a large number of volts. (3)They nearly killed him until man who claimed Rich was his father tackled both the girls, pushing them into a wall, knocking them out unconscious.
2. This sentence sounds awkward. Maybe add in some more description, to show us rather than tell us they're shocking him (will explain that more in overall critique)
3. Try "They nearly killed him until man who claimed Rich was his father tackled both the girls, pushed them into a wall, and knocked them out unconscious." That way all the endings are the same.
1. This is unnecessary seeing as we already know he's their friend."Everyone, we've got to get out of here, NOW!" said the man in white, who took off his helmet, revealing himself to be Justin, the White Engine Ranger (1)and one of Michael and Rich's friends.
"No, hold the line! We're staying!" replied (2)James, the supposed son of Rich.
"He's right, we're the Power Rangers! You know we don't run from a fight!" said Michael in agreement, still battling Javelin.
"I don't remember putting this up for a vote!" said Justin, taking out a device. He pressed a button on the device, (3)setting up a diversion so the Rangers could escape.
2. This threw me off too, seeing how no one actually says his name.
3. This goes into the "showing rather than telling" category.
1. Quicky comment here, you just don't need to call him "Future Evan" anymore, seeing as the other Evan isn't mentioned anywhere else, and you've already established that this is the future Evan.(1)The Future Evan slammed the doors open, and the others followed behind him.
1. All of these should be commas instead of periods. (click here for the rule explanation) You should try varying your quotes, saying "Mister Pamon said, 'blahblahblah'." just to mix it up. Also, you could use some other words besides "said" and "replied", just to mix things up again."THIS is the Power Ranger Headquarters?" said Michael disgustingly.
"For now. All of our other options were pretty much destroyed years ago(1)." Future Justin replied as he turned on a computer.
"You've traveled more than 60 years into your future(1)." said Future Evan.
"Last time I saw you, you didn't even look your age. Now look at you, Justin. You look good for however old you are(1)." said Rich.
"The miracles of modern science and medicine. 85 is the new 20(1)." said Future Justin with smile.
"What happened to the Command Center?" asked Michael.
"It's gone. We lost a lot of good people that day(1.5). Including the two of you(1)." replied Future Evan, looking at Michael and Rich.
"And the back-up headquarters?" said Mister Pamon, referring to the alternate headquarters that he had set up underneath his Research Center.
"This is all we have left now. Deal with it(1)." replied a man who revealed himself from out the shadows of a corner. It was Raymond Pamon, the Future Raymond Pamon. The younger Raymond walked over to the older one, looking at him up close in shock. "Surprised to see me?" asked the future Raymond.
"A little. I'm more surprised that I live so long(1)." replied the younger Raymond, still reluctant that his future self was still alive. He HAD to be more than 100 years old.
"Mister Pamon, meet Mister Pamon. (2)Or, have you met?" said Justin. He still had the heart and humor of a kid."NOT NOW!" yelled the two old men together, still staring at each other.
"This is a little weird for everyone. I'm James Cervantes.(3) Your son." said James, shaking his father's hand.
1.5(sorry screwed up xP) comma here "that day, including the two of you"
2. No comma after "or" you could just keep it as one sentence "Mister Pamon, meet Mister Pamon, or have you met?" or "Mister Pamon, meet Mister Pamon. Or have you met?"
3. I'm not sure if you're doing this as emphasis, but if it isn't than it should be "I'm James Cervantes, your son"
1. too instead of to."Don't answer that. You don't want to know to(1) much about your future, son.(2)" said the younger Raymond.
"Trust me, you really don't(2)." said Justin.
2. comma instead of period(i'm not going to correct these anymore, but it's repeated throughout the story.
1. Time line, two separate words."The (1)timeline has been polluted, hasn't it?" asked the younger Raymond.
(2)The older Raymond shook his head and replied, "So polluted, that history itself is becoming fluid."
2. Shouldn't it be nod his head? It's a little contradicting.
0(screw up by me again) you don't really need "himself" it's unnecessary.Evan leaned (0)himself against a wall and began to explain what (0.5)has happened so far, "Well, then, I guess I should tell you. A year after we graduated from high school, we drove the Gaiarc Empire away from Earth and thought we would never see them again. Then, after we all graduated from college, Savannah and Michael got married, and so did Monica and Rich. A year into both marriages, the girls became pregnant. After the kids were born, the Gaiarc launched a full-scale attack on Earth. Michael, Rich, Justin, and myself all took the Ranger powers back and tried to (1)stopped the attack with the Megazords. But(2), it just wasn't enough, not with Chronos on their side. The two of you sacrificed yourselves to save us from the Engine Megazord explosion, and that's how you two died. Savannah and Monica died when they tried to personally kill Chronos. We tried to stop them, but they wouldn't listen to reason."
0.5(ugh sorry lol) had, not has (tense changing) and then you don't need "so far". you could replace it with "up to that point" or something like that if you wanted.
1. stop
2. again, no comma
Justin finished after Evan by saying, "People do crazy things when they lose the people they love."
[FONT="][/FONT]1. begin"Well, we've got to stop him. Where do we (1)began our search?" asked Rich.
"Well, where is he?" Michael asked.The future team (1)shook their heads and Evan replied, "Yes, that's right. A son."
"Right here, dad!" said a man in the Red Engine Ranger suit,(2) entering the base. He powered down, revealing to be Michael's son, Michael Pamon Junior. [/quote]
1. Again, a little confusing. Replace shook with nodded.
2. you don't really need "entering the base" we can just assume he's entering it.
1. Explained before"Nice to meet you, too." Michael replied. He pulled out his hand, waiting to shake his son's. But(1), (2)the son wanted more than that. He embraced his father, overjoyed to finally see him again. Michael embraced him back. This may not even turn out to be his son later on in Michael's life, but he had to show some sort of compassion.
2. I don't know, calling him "the son" just sounds weird. Calling him Junior would seem more natural.
1. In all over your chapters you use "just then" way too much. After that, Suddenly, or all of a sudden could be used instead. Just then is fine, but it's overused.(1)Just then, Chronos woke up, pulled his thumb out of his mouth, and got up. So much for the subtle approach. He was shocked that the Rangers were able to sneak into his fortress. He pressed a button on his belt, and from out of a time portal came his henchmen and a large group of Gaiarc Minions. They began fighting the Power Rangers.
(forgive me for my lack of PR knowledge) but what exactly are the Minions? you never really describe them, so when they show up I've always been a bit confused.Michael started fighting five Minions. He spun, and then kicked one in the face. He sensed a Minion sneaking from behind. He used his super speed powers to gain the upper hand. Michael ran behind one of the Minions before it could attack him, and then he kicked the Minion into another one. He looked around, and Michael saw that a few more Minions had joined the party. He ran to the top of the coliseum, and then jumped off of it. Michael landed on top of two Minions, crushing them. He then pulled out his Engine Blaster. He performed a spin attack, spinning around and shooting at the Minions. Before Michael knew it, the Minions he was facing were gone. But, Ghoul appeared and attacked him with a broad sword. Michael's Street Saber proved to be more powerful, breaking Ghoul's sword. Then, Michael grabbed Ghoul and began spinning around. When Michael let go of Ghoul, the henchman was launched out of the coliseum.
1. No need to call him future Evan(explained before)(1)Future Evan began fighting two Minions, but more showed up in the fight. He used his super strength to easily get rid of them. Evan punched a Minion in the chest, sending the Minion flying out of the coliseum. He put his attention to another Minion that attacked him head on.(2) BIG mistake. Future Evan took his fist punched the Minion in the face, sending that Minion flying out of the coliseum as well. That Minion landed on the previous Minion that Future Evan had knocked out the arena. Future Evan then did a spin kick on two Minions. After the kick followed a blast from his Engine Blaster. Before Evan knew it, the Minion's he was facing ran away out of fear. Then, the two Dee Dee twins came and grabbed Future Evan with their saber whips. The two then sent shocks of electricity through Evan's body. They cranked the power up to (3)MAXIMUM, and Future Evan screamed at the top of his lungs in pain. (4)Just then, a blast fired at the two twins, sending them back. It was Rich's Howl Laser. Evan broke free of the whips and continued fighting.
2. I've been trying to figure out how I feel about these little sentences. I like them in the sense that it feels like I'm watching a cartoon and then that moment where you just know they've doe something wrong, and you actually think big mistake. But it also interrupts the flow of the paragraph, and i'm just not quite sure whether to like them or not. Ranting done xD
3. I've noticed how you'll upper case certain words to put emphasis on them, but I don't really think you need to. The words that you want emphasized are usually naturally emphasized. Or, if you want to put that emphasis in there, italicizing the words would look a little better.
4. Just then - explained above
1. TwoNext up was Rich.(1) two Minions tried to sneak up behind him and attack, (2)but using his special powers, he sensed them. So, he laid a trap. Rich began to run into a wall in the coliseum,(3) then he ran (4)UP the wall, jumped behind the Minion's and attacked them by kicking the both of them into the wall. Then, Rich sensed another two Minions coming from a level above. They began to fall off the level, hoping to jump on Rich. But(5), they were too slow. Rich super-jumped in the air and slashed the two Minions with his Rod Mode blaster before they could get down on him. He jumped off the building, as three more where going up. They (6)past each other, and Rich turned, shooting the three Minions in the back.
2. Sounds awkward. Maybe "but he used his special powers to sense them" it's just a little choppy IMO.
3. Period after coliseum or "coliseum, and then"
4. see #3 above
5. No comma - explained
6. passed not past
1. explainedNow, it was Future Justin's turn up. (2)He hacked and slashed four Minions with his Subway Blade, being quick and subtle. He put his Subway Blade into it's Subway Blaster Mode, shooting three Minions quicker than any of the Rangers had ever seen. He then put the Blaster back in Blade Mode and finished off the last remaining Minions. But(1), that wasn't the end. One of Chronos' henchmen, (3)Woof, came and tackled Future Justin. Future Justin pushed Woof off him and punched him rapidly. But(1), Woof found a weakness in Future Justin's punches, and exploited it. He tackled Justin and kept slashing Justin with his claws rapidly, and blood spilled everywhere. The hyena-like monster began laughing. Blood was everywhere on his claws. But (1), Future Justin was NOT dead. He took a bomb and threw Woof in the air, and explosions lit the arena, (4)and so did blood.
2. I don't like having quick and subtle at the end. "Quickly and subtly, he hacked and slashed four Minions with his Subway Blade" sounds better to me.
3. (general comment) what exactly is Woof? Again, I'm not a PR fan, but it's not explained at all, so you could use some more details of him.
4. This sounds awkward, you should change it to "and explosions and blood lit the arena" or something along those lines.
1. Showing v. Telling (explained in overall critique)"They....they failed me! I'm...I'm finished...No...NO! I'll just start over! I'll go to the beginning of Time and make a world without Power Rangers!" yelled Chronos. (1)He was losing his grip on reality.
1. comma here"YOU may think it is over, Raymond, but it is FAR from over. Goodbye!" said Chronos. He activated a time portal and escaped through it. Michael took Rich and his father(1) threw them in the (2)Time portal, said his goodbyes to his friends from the future, and followed Chronos into the time portal. Raymond activated a barrier around the three of them so that the trip wouldn't be so bumpy.
2. time
1. I know what I said before doesn't always apply to dialogue, but it seems a little forced. You don't need to capitalize them. They'll be naturally said with that emphasis(at least for me)Raymond warned Michael and Rich by saying, "Guys, we (1)HAVE to stop him. We (1)CAN'T allow him to alter the beginning of Time!"
1. You could just add in some more details of the coliseum."Trust me, son. I made sure that Chronos won't ever bother us again." Raymond replied with a smile. He had programmed the Chronos belt to send Chronos to the times of the Roman Empire. (1)He was in the coliseum. The confused villain tried to escape, but was soon cornered by lions. He was scrawny, but he still looked tasty to the lions. He ran as fast as he could, and the lions began chasing after him. (2)The audience laughed in enjoyment.
2. The last line is pretty eerie/creepy. But I like itIt's an interesting way to end a chapter, but I think it tied things together nicely, and gives it a sense of closure.
On too the overall critique!!
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I thought I explained the basic appearance of a Gaiarc Minion in the first chapter?