Help/Support ► Really wanna hurt someone.

[Ehres]

Hi. Another moping thread from me.

Basically I got to know this girl called Sadie six months ago and over this period of time we talked a hell of a lot and we had this sort of connection going on. Nothing relationship since I was already with someone at the time but we got on a lot, and we would spend hours talking. Anyway, so a few weeks ago we kinda stopped talking for whatever reason, she didn't come on Skype or MSN anymore and I didn't bother contacting her because I was going through some really bad personal stuff and just wanted to hide away.

So about a week ago or more I got into contact with her and she comes on Skype and we catch up a little bit. Turns out she's got with this guy but she still has all these feelings for me... or so she says. I mean, when she says "I love you" it kinda makes you think that she loves you, right? And she was like, "I don't want you touching anyone else. Say you're mine." But she was perfectly okay with being with someone else... and hated me moving on.

Two days ago on July 7 it just all built up and I got really hurt because I was thinking, Am I really not good enough? After everything I've done for you, am I really not good enough? After all the hours we talked, all the stupid stuff we did, all the support and advice I gave you? And you move on like it's nothing? July 7 is the day when my boyfriend of several years died in 2009, so naturally it's a very painful thing for me. And I was really upset and crying over it and she was comforting me, and then last night she just turns into a class-A cunt.

With everything going on I was just an emotional wreck and I was bawling my eyes out because I feel so lonely, really lonely, like no matter how hard I try I just ruin everything without even knowing it and it's almost as if I'm not even destined to be happy. And it's probably hormones because I'm due on my period or something but I really just wanted to die last night it was so bad. And I was begging her, telling her to not just brush me aside, like I'd do anything for her to just love me or whatever. And she just told me I'd get over it and that really hurt.

What hurts even more is that I can give her more than this person she's with. I've been through more with her, put up with her dramatics when she's been irrational, I've done loads for her. And I ask her to consider me, just me, and she's like, "Yeah, I'm going to church to pray on it, I'll be back later." And I know this guy she's with and we talk cordially and everything, he's nice, but she came back from church and I asked how it was, did she have a good time, and for the whole day she just blanked me. So in a fit of rage or whatever I said I was going to go and talk to this other guy called Richi who she has this history with (coincidentally someone she hates me talking to because it gets her jealous that I might actually enjoy spending time with him), and then I fell asleep.

So last night I wake up at half two in the morning and jump on AIM like an idiot to see if she's online, and there she is, and I say hello and sorry for bugging her so much during the day, and I asked if she'd slept well (since she hadn't slept the night before) and she told me she wasn't even asleep... So she just blanked me the whole day to talk with her boyfriend when

A) She confesses all these feelings for me
B) Knows I'm in a lot of pain over this July 7 thing
C) Says she hates me being with anyone else
D) I've done a million things for her and always been nice with her even if I've been having a shitty day

The worst is that not even 24 hours ago she was telling me she was so hurt over me, because I told her that if she was just going to play with my feelings it wasn't healthy for me to be around her because I know what emotional pain feels like, I've been through it before, and as much as it kills me to know she's having all these lovey-dovey moments with someone else I just have to cut out the bad spot no matter how much it hurts and try to move on. And she was begging me not to go. But then she goes to church, has this stupid fucking revelation and then blanks me for the whole day, treats me like shit in the night and only gives me attention whenever her boyfriend isn't around.

Like it irritates the fuck out of me, I'm so hurt over it you don't even know. I know what I said yesterday hurt her and I'm glad because I want her to know how it feels for ME. But now she's acting so unphased by it all, she won't even rationalise with me, she just says my name patronisingly and doesn't show any emotion at all. It's so frustrating and last night I wanted to strangle her. Physically wanted to suffocate her.

I don't know what to do. I really do like her, a LOT, and I know she feels the same way about me but then she's like "I love you in the sense that I care for you and stuff a lot" and I'm like BUT WHEN YOU TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM MAKE IT FUCKING MUTUALLY CLEAR THAT IT'S NOT ACTUALLY LOVE IT'S JUST AFFECTION SO YOU DON'T LEAD THEM ON. Even thinking of it now makes me want to hit her in the face and break her fucking nose and just lay ruin to every part of her stupid body until she fucking regrets everything she's done and is doing to me.

I don't even know what I want by typing this. I want to know how to hurt her emotionally, I want to take everything away from her and show her how it feels to be stripped bare by someone you bent over backwards for and then were crushed by.

Ugh.

 

[zachen]

I went through a similar situation actually. My only advice is to just forget about her, the reason being is that people like her tend to want the best of both worlds and aren't willing to give up either one, that and in the long run she will do far more harm than good.

 

[Delsan]

Whoa, never knew you were going through this much Sol. I don't have much to say, but just hang in there. It seems like this girl is making life a lot worse for you, and (this might not be the best advice but whatever) you should just take some time away from her and just think things through more clearly. I know you have feelings for her and this might be hard, but considering you were going through so much before this on July 7, it seems like the best option before things go more haywire than they ought to.

Responding to your thoughts on wanting to hurt her (emotionally/physically) I have one thing to say: just stop. You don't want to stoop to her level, do you? And (I don't know her personally, so bear with me; I'm just assuming things here) you said she had a boyfriend, yes? How confusing will it be for someone in a relationship to just admit to liking the same sex? I believe she's in the same sort of turmoil as you, especially since you said she talks to you while her boyfriend isn't around. If you must, just talk to her at the right time, see how she's handling things, and just take things from there.

 

[Ehres]

You're right on the stuff you said in the first paragraph. Once I get my period (TMI, I know) I'll probably calm the hell down and wonder why the fuck I reacted so badly. Worst case scenario I'll still feel the same way. I don't know what it is. Before I returned I wasn't clingy or anything, I had no need to talk to her all the time. I could go days without a word and it'd be fine. It was just a nice commodity to talk to her. But now this, and it kills me because it's such a harsh flip-around. It just hurts, I guess, that she's with someone else. Actually enjoying someone else who isn't me. Like transferring all those feelings onto this other person. And it makes me feel sort of insignificant and like what we had wasn't special and didn't mean anything.

I know that my options are to stop talking to her all together or to just talk to her cordially and be her friend. Both are equally hard because the first option is that I won't be talking to her and I really want to. To just talk all the time. The second option is difficult because I'll have her there at my fingertips but at her discretion and she won't be sharing feelings for me. It'll be someone else she's saying all those things to that we used to talk about. But in a way I do want her to hurt to know how it feels for me. And if that means by being her friend and moving on in my own time and then her realising how much she misses me and what I did for her and her being in pain over it, so be it. The irrational part of me is out for revenge while the other just wants her to stop doing this to people because IIRC she has a record for it which I didn't really understand until now.

As for her sexuality, she's perfectly fine with it. She's trans* in that she was assigned female at birth but has always felt like a boy, acted like a boy and talked like a boy. Hell I thought she was a boy when we first started talking but biological or social gender doesn't matter for me. It's like I'm pansexual. I fall for individuals, not body parts and she knew this. I think she's the same.

 

[theirlosthearts]

If it was me, I would just break off contact with her. I know I've gone back to the people that hurt me way too many times, and it isn't worth it. Based on what you said, she's acting rather erratically. She's acting like either a total b**** or just a very confused/conflicted person. If you really want to, you could lay down an ultimatum that she has to shape up and treat you decently or else it's all over. If she's just confused, that might bring her back to reality so you can sort everything out. If it doesn't work, break off the relationship. That sort of thing may just prolong the pain though. Personally, I would just break it off before it became worse, but it depends on what you want to do.

As for wanting to physically/emotionally hurt her, wait until you're thinking straight. Really, hurting her is just going to hurt you as bad or worse than her. Things like that bring a lot of regret later.

I don't know if you care, but I'll be praying for you.

 

[Mirby]

As for her sexuality, she's perfectly fine with it. She's trans* in that she was assigned female at birth but has always felt like a boy, acted like a boy and talked like a boy. Hell I thought she was a boy when we first started talking but biological or social gender doesn't matter for me. It's like I'm pansexual. I fall for individuals, not body parts and she knew this. I think she's the same.

Two things.

If the person in question has always felt like a boy acted like one talked like one then use the proper pronouns. When one is trans, birth sex is irrelevant and the one that matters is the one they feel like.

Secondly, you can't be "like" a pansexual. Either you are or aren't.

 

[Solar]

hey mirby guess what

sexuality is ~~*~~fluid~~*~~

you can be attracted to a whole range of people without understanding where your limits are or having specific tastes that don't fall into any particular categories of sexual and/or romantic attraction

 

[Nyangoro]

I fall for individuals, not body parts

This sounds really pretentious to me, but whatever.

I definitely think that this won't look as bad after you've calmed down. Honestly, I don't really think it's anything more than a simple misunderstanding that happened to lead to a little more heartache and sour feelings than were probably necessary.

 

[Reagan Rayden]

Regardless of how much you could possibly make her suffer, I highly doubt that would make the pain go away.

Normally the pain never goes away unless she goes away. Just attempt to forget it.

 

[Reflection]

*hugs sol-chan*

:< it'll be okay soon enough honey. just keep your chin up, have some tea, do something you enjoy. she isn't your responsibility, the only thing you can control is your own happiness. ill always be here for you if you wanna PM/VM me or talk on skype! <3

xx

 

[Orion]

Really unfortunate that - right now, so far as non-hurting-her options are concerned - either option will result in you being hurt, either because of the disconnect or having to put on a happy facade and say nothing. I can't say much that hasn't already been repeated, but to wait on this and give it more consideration when you're less hormonal or something is really the best thing you can do right now. Like Ref-chan I'll try and be around as someone to talk to~

 

[Ehres]

Two things.

If the person in question has always felt like a boy acted like one talked like one then use the proper pronouns. When one is trans, birth sex is irrelevant and the one that matters is the one they feel like.

Secondly, you can't be "like" a pansexual. Either you are or aren't.

Stop being a pedantic asshole and show some consideration for the matter at hand. Either that or get out. I refer to her as 'her' for the sake of convenience considering how many people are involved. When we talk, I refer to her as 'him' as she prefers. I'm confused about my sexuality. Hence the 'like'. I'm exploring it. I'm not sure. Get over it and take your snarky remarks elsewhere.

Also thanks Solar.

Nyangoro, that's the best way of describing how I feel. I don't see a body. Well, I do---but it doesn't matter. Kinda like I just become attracted to what's there.

But, yeah, we sorted things out. Everything's cool now, I think---if now, you'll know. Aha.

 

[Orion]

Happy Endings <3

 

[theirlosthearts]

Yay! I'm glad everything worked out for you ^_^

 

[Ehres]

Thanks, brosephs and sisephs.

/thread