Fanfiction ► Sakura chan

[Eternal Snow]

Well this is not really a fan fic, but it is still a fictional story I made so I figured I should post it here.
And its my first story so please dont flame me that bad. Thank u
Well I here it is.
And It's the first two chapters cuz the first one is really short.

Complete Story On Pg. 14 - Plz Go There! ^-^
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Chapter 1 ~ The Beginning
Hi, my name is Sakura. Which means cherry blossoms in Japanese. I have shoulder length brown hair, but it looks red because I have 50,000 red streaks in it. I wear black cloths most of the time and I’m almost 16 years old. Oh and just so you know I’m not even near being Japanese. See my mom was obsessed with anything and everything that had to do with Japan. She said she would take me there one day, but now she can’t. You know why? Because about a month ago she died in a car crash. So now I have to move in with my father who I haven’t seen or talked to since I was 5. (Some great dad huh?) So today I start my new life. With a new school, and a new home.

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Chapter 2 ~ The Meeting
I got out of the cab with the social working that was “taking care of me” for the time being, and you wont believe what I saw.
His apartment wasn’t even big enough for a mouse!
It was horrible!!!!!!!!
Oh my god
You couldn’t even imagine how small it was.
And I was just looking at the outside.
I couldn’t even imagine what the inside would look like.
And the next thing I knew I was at the door of that apartment with the social worker.
“Hello, I have someone here who is very eager to meet you!” the social worker said as she opened the door.
I glared at her in a way that said; Yea right, I really wanna meet the man who ignored me for half my life.
And then I heard him say,“Hi both of you come in.”
But before he even finished that sentence the social worker handed me my bags and ran off to the cab as fast as she could.
“Great” I thought.
I walked into the apartment and you know how small I thought it was outside?
Well the inside made the outside view seem big.
The kitchen, dining room, living room and bathroom were all in one room. Put together. There was a bedroom about the size of a walk in closet in the back.
And there was no way I was staying there.
So after about an hour of staring at each other, the floor and the ceiling.
I finally built up enough nerve to talk to him without completely going off about how ridiculously small his apartment was.
But sadly the amount of nerve I spent an hour of my life building up was only enough for a polite “Hi.”
And 5 seconds after that hi I went into lala land (a place I often visit) and started thinking about how I never had any trouble talking to Mom. Like never. We always had something to talk about. She was my best friend and I was her’s. And then he talked which ended my trip to lala land pretty quick.
He said, “Hi, um are you hungry? Do you want something to drink or anything?”
I said no even though I was starving.
I didn’t like it there and I figured tomorrow I’d get both something to eat and I would tell him that he needed to find a bigger apartment.

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Tell me what u think -Cuz if u guys like it I'll write some more chapters and if u dont then well I won't.

And I know there's not much dialog.
I'll put more in the next chap I swear.
And I also realize that the chapters are not that long, I'm working on that too.

 

[snowdog]

How-dah.

This actually has quite a bit of potential, but it doesn't make for easy reading. Try starting a new line whenever someone new speaks. Like this, for example...

I got in the cab with the social working that was “taking care of me” for the time being, and you wont believe what I saw. His apartment wasn’t even big enough for a mouse! It was horrible!!!!!!!! Oh my god, you couldn’t even imagine how small it was.

And I was just looking at the outside.

I couldn’t even imagine what the inside would look like.

And the next thing I knew I was at the door of that apartment with the social worker.

“Hello, I have someone here who is very eager to meet you!” the social worker said as she opened the door.

I glared at her in a way that said; Yea right, I really wanna meet the man who ignored me for half my life.

And then I heard him say,“Hi both of u come in.”

But before he even finished that sentence the social worker handed me my bags and ran off to the cab as fast as she could.

“Great” I thought.

There are some errors in your grammar (easily fixed with a good spellchecker!) and a lack of description. But it's a very good start, there's a lot of potential.

<3

EDIT: If you like, I could give you a little more critique on it, in some more depth. ^-^

 

[Eternal Snow]

How-dah.

This actually has quite a bit of potential, but it doesn't make for easy reading. Try starting a new line whenever someone new speaks. Like this, for example...



There are some errors in your grammar (easily fixed with a good spellchecker!) and a lack of description. But it's a very good start, there's a lot of potential.

<3

EDIT: If you like, I could give you a little more critique on it, in some more depth. ^-^

Thanks ^^
And I'll try that
It might make the chapters look bigger too^^
And If u want u can critique it some more I dont mind

 

[snowdog]

Are you sure? (I don't mean to sound horrible or anything. I just want to help ^-^)

I take it this is written in a sort of... 'diary' style affair? That's nice, cause there aren't too many of those on here. :3

Anyway... Don't use shortenings, for example 'u', instead of 'you'. Take the time to write it out properly, you'll get much more attention from readers if it's more literate. But you seem literate anyway, so that's good.

Also, don't use lots of exclamation marks. One will do just fine! :3

But really, other than that, I like this so far. It's an interesting story, I can't wait to see how the characters develop! :3

<3

 

[Eternal Snow]

Are you sure? (I don't mean to sound horrible or anything. I just want to help ^-^)

I take it this is written in a sort of... 'diary' style affair? That's nice, cause there aren't too many of those on here. :3

Anyway... Don't use shortenings, for example 'u', instead of 'you'. Take the time to write it out properly, you'll get much more attention from readers if it's more literate. But you seem literate anyway, so that's good.

Also, don't use lots of exclamation marks. One will do just fine! :3

But really, other than that, I like this so far. It's an interesting story, I can't wait to see how the characters develop! :3

<3

Yea u can talk freely Im sure

And I put "u" instead of "you" in there.
Oops
I swear I checked for that

Thats usally how i type so i guess i slipped up there.
LoL
And Yea the exclamation marks is another habit.
Ill work on that

and its definitly in a 'dairy' style.

and if u want I'll work on the next charpter right now. ^ - ^

Edit ~ I fixed the parts in the story where i put "u" instead of "you" so thats fixed now.

 

[sora_luver]

it's a pretty good story... it's kinda hard to decide if its that good yet... because it's just the beginning but it does seem very interesting.....

 

[Eternal Snow]

Thanks Sora lover

and putting up a new chap cuz not many ppl are posting.

Here's chapter 3
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Chapter 3 ~ Where are you?

Well I woke up to an empty room. That for some reason is even considered as an apartment. I could see straight through to where the closet that was called a bedroom was. So where could he possibly have gone?

I put on a black shirt and a pair of old jeans to go outside and look for him.

He wasn’t there either.

It was staring to get on my nerves.

So I went back into the apartment grabbed my dark blue hoodie, and went to go see if I could find him.

After running half way across the town, and having 50 guys whistle and stare at me I still couldn’t find him.

It was definitely one of those moments where I wished I was 16 so I could legally drive a car. Well kind of.

After that I officially decided that I was going back to the apartment.

There was no way I was gonna look for him anymore.

Five seconds after I finally made up my mind my stomach growled so loud you could here it in Japan.

To make it worse I was right by Burger King.

To resist the urge to spend what little money I did have with me I ran.

All the way back to that apartment as fast as I could. Which made me even more hungry.

Then once I finally got back he was there.

He was just staring at the door.

Like he was waiting for me.

This could get bad.

I should have never gone in, or I should have gone to Burger King first because there was no way I was leaving that place ever again.

 

[sora_luver]

cool, nice chapter.... pretty good.... but I think you should make them longer... can't wait for the next chapter!!! and you did the u instead of you again

 

[Eternal Snow]

I did?
Again?

Aww crap

well ill fix that

and i know i have to make them bigger but it's hard. LoL

A one pg chapter on my word thing is like half a pg here.

I'm trying my best. ^ . ^

Edit~
But Chapter 4 is like chapter 1 but a little longer.
But chapter 4 is being posted with chapter 5. Chapter 6 which im working on right now and it actually is pretty long like a pg and a half.
So thats a start to make up for the exterme shortness of the other chapters. ^^

Ill probaly be posting Chapter 4+5 on Sunday or Saturday. I dunno (Maybe with Chapter 6)

 

[Eternal Snow]

Sry about the double post but no one has been posting in here.
Again sry

Anyway heres Chapter 4 + 5

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Chapter 4 ~ What?!

Ok he’s yelling at me like I was the one who got up and left at the crack of dawn!

I was looking for him!

The second I come in the door he yells “Where have u been young lady!?”

I yell back “Looking fo-“

A loud booming of “Don’t you talk back to me!” came and then some random other things.

I didn’t really care but when he started talking about my mom like he knew her. I got really mad.

Next thing I knew I was mouthing off to him about how he didn’t know anything about me or my mom, and then I yelled that he is just a deadbeat dad.

But after that part I didn’t get to say anything else.

All I know was that there was a sharp pain in the side of my face, and once I finally got back up I realized that I had just been punched.

With that I ran out the door into the streets and started looking for my old home. For my actual home.

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Chapter 5 ~ Questions
About five seconds after I left the apartment I realized why I used to move so much with my mom.

She always said that we were going on new adventures. To new places. So we could meet new people. And see new sights.

But after that I started wondering . . . maybe the actual reason we moved so much was because she didn’t want my father to find me.

Maybe it was because she didn’t want him to find us.

I think my mom knew how abusive he was.

I think she knew he would come after me.

I’m sure that’s why we moved around so much.

Thinking about all those questions gave me the biggest one ever . . .

What if my mom’s death wasn’t on an accident?

The other driver just ran when he hit her.

It could have been him, but why would he want to kill my mom?

I looked up to see where I was.

Only a few blocks away from my house.

A rush of relief came when I realized that.

A few more minutes until I can hopefully find some answers.

If he really did kill my mom there is no way he’s getting away with it. I’ll make sure of that.

Just before reaching my house I wondered what he could possibly want that my mom has. What’s so valuable that he had to kill her to get it?Why exactly did he want whatever it was?

Those same questions and about fifty others were flowing through my head as I walked up the front steps to the place where I used to live.

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Edit ~ Ok I swear I tried my hardest to make Chapter 5 longer.
It looked big on my word document I swear.
Well sry. I tried -.-

 

[KH_Fan_4_eva]

I like this story! I think its really good! Please, PLEASE Do another Chapter!

 

[Eternal Snow]

I already have chapters 6 and 7 done

I'm working on 8

Lets make a deal
If u put a new chapter of You Promised up tomorrow I'll put up chapter 6 now.

Deal?

 

[KH_Fan_4_eva]

Deal and MUHHHAAAAA I already have :toungesmile:

 

[Eternal Snow]

As Promised Chapter 6 ^^

And cuz I'm a nice person here's Chapter 7 too
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Chapter 6 ~ The Voice

I went inside the hallway of my old home, and for some reason the house didn’t seem mine anymore. It seemed cold and dark. I felt as if I almost shouldn’t have been there.

I walked over to the light switch, but when I flicked it up the light wouldn’t turn on.

“They probably turned the electricity off in this place.” I said in a low voice.

I went to the staircase and started walking up to where my mom’s room used to be.

Along the way I passed my room. The old drawings I did on the walls were still there. I smiled at the sight of them.

Then suddenly I heard a voice come from my mom’s bedroom.

“Oh no, don’t let it be him.” I thought

I walked out of my old room, and slowly walked up to the door.

I carefully opened the door, but inside there was nothing. There was no one in the room.

Where did the voices come from then?

I looked around. It looked exactly like I remembered it. Except it didn’t have any furniture in it anymore. But it was still as nice as before.

Actually, all of the stuff had been taken out of the room except an old mirror. It was still covered by a sheet too.

Just like it always was when I was little.

~.:Flashback:.~

(In Sakura mother’s room.)

Little Sakura “Mommy, Why is that mirror always covered?”

*Sakura’s mother smiles*

“It’s covered because I don’t want dust to get all over it.” She said.

“Well that’s a silly reason!” Sakura yelled.

~.:End of Flashback:.~

Suddenly the voice came back.

“Where are you?! Who are you?!” I yelled

Then I realized the voices sounded like they were coming from in front of me, but the only thing in front of me was that mirror.

And last I’d checked inanimate objects couldn’t talk.

Still, I moved toward the mirror, and pulled off the cover on it.

Once I did I knew that the reason her mother kept it covered wasn’t because she was afraid of dust getting on it.

She kept it covered for an entirely different reason.

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Chapter 7 ~ Did That Mirror Just Talk?

I looked at the mirror and all I could see was the extremely huge welt I had on the side of my face from my father punching me earlier.

Suddenly a face appeared in the mirror.

I was sure I was going insane.

Then that faced talked to me.

“No way.” I said

“There is no way that mirror just talked.” I said trying to convince myself.

I turned away from the mirror and heard a female voice yell, “Where do you think your going?!”

“Sorry, but this is getting a little too snow whitey for me.” I replied

“Snow whitey? What is snow whitey?” It asked

“Snow White. With the mirror on the wall, and you ask it a question then the mirror tells u the ans-” I paused, “I’m going insane! I’m talking to a MIRROR!” I yelled

“What? You don’t believe that I’m talking to you?” The mirror said

I ignored it and said “This is all a dream, your dreaming, you’ll wake up any moment now and this will all be over.”

After that I started to walk out of the room

“If you walk away you’ll never found out what happened to your mom.” The mirror said

I looked at the mirror, and it yelled “Hello?! Do you want to know what happened or not? We don’t have much time before he gets here!”

“Before who gets here?” I asked it

“The warlock of course. Well here’s the deal kid. I hav-“

“My name is Sakura.” I cut her off before she finished her sentence. “And I’m not going to stand here and have a conversation with a mirror! You’re an inanimate object! Shut up! And let me leave with at least a little bit of my sanity left!” I paused for about five seconds after saying that and yelled,“Did you just say warlock?!”

“Yes I did. I can’t explain now I have a friend waiting downstairs for you. He’ll fill u in on everything and answer your questions. He’ ll be with you your entire journey too.” The mirror said

“WHAT JOURNEY! And who’s your friend?! The toaster?!” I yelled

“No, he’s an actual person” she replied condescendingly “He’ll help you to find the truth.”

“Ok, I don’t really feel like talking to an inanimate object anymore so I’m going to go.” I said.

With that I covered up the mirror and went downstairs to leave.

But just before I left the mirror said that I must get out of the house quick for he will be here soon. I glared at the stupid mirror and left.

I went downstairs, and to my surprise there was a boy around my age waiting for me.He had dark brown hair and blue eyes, and was wearing all black cloths. He was actually pretty cute too.

“Sakura?” he said

I looked up and said “Yes?”

 

[KH_Fan_4_eva]

OoOoOoOoOoOoO Whats going to happen? I WANT TO NO!

 

[Eternal Snow]

XD

Well ur gonna have to wait for me to get over my minor case of writers block.
(A.k.a - I cant figure out what to name the guy. -.-)

Any suggestions?
(That aren't Li, Lee, or Sasuke. Cuz Those are the ones that popped into my head.XD)

 

[Aly-chan]

How-dah.

This actually has quite a bit of potential, but it doesn't make for easy reading. Try starting a new line whenever someone new speaks. Like this, for example...



There are some errors in your grammar (easily fixed with a good spellchecker!) and a lack of description. But it's a very good start, there's a lot of potential.

<3

EDIT: If you like, I could give you a little more critique on it, in some more depth. ^-^

You know it's rude to take people words out their mouthes. >=0

What could hep you with grammar errors, is begin writing on the forum with it.

Like speak with exact words and complete sentences. So when you start writing, you don't accientally write what you type like.

 

[Eternal Snow]

I'll try that
Thanks ^^

 

[KH_Fan_4_eva]

Hmm you call him................. NARUTO!
lol

One problem though....Naruto doesnt wear black......hmmm

 

[Eternal Snow]

Oh yea thats a great one.
Sooooooooooooooo much better than the ones I came up with.
LoL

And actually in Naruto:Shupudden he wears black.
But not right now

And now we're spamming my thread too. XD
(Well kind of)