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Fanfiction ► Sakura Lovelight



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Genocide

All you need to know.
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Before you read this, I just thought I'd let you know that I only wrote this as a test of my writing abilities. If it isn't any good, how will I get better if no one tells me I'm not good at writing? Therefore, I need feedback on this. Before, I was saying it just because I wanted reviews, a real writer doesn't need review. Now it's crucial that I get feedback. If you like it, tell me. If you don't like it, tell me. Don't just not say anything about it.
Thank you for your time-
PostMentalFerocity



The cherry blossom slowly fell. It danced in the gentle breeze, and made its way to the koi pond. Ripples moved through the water gracefully, distorting the reflection of the moon.
“Hiru,” Hana whispered as the cool breeze brushed against her lips. “I don’t want this night to end.” She looked up at the man standing in front of her. “I as well,” Hiru knew better. He turned away from Hana. “I just want to keep this feeling going forever. I know this can never be. He is watching us in the window.” Hiru pulled a pack of clove cigarettes from his back right pocket, and took one out.

“As long as he’s around, we can never be.” Hana closed her eyes, and leaned back on the gazebo bench. The moon’s reflection gleamed across her face. Hiru lit his cigarette, and inhaled.

Another cherry blossom separated itself from the tree. It fluttered in the rising cool wind. Two more landed on the surface of the water. They danced around each other in the glow of the moonlight.

“It’s like Sakura Love Light.” Hana sat up. Hiru took notice of the graceful cherry blossoms on the water. The moon beamed down specifically on the couple. “I don’t care if he’s watching us, it’s us here.” He picked Hana up, and cradled her. “Let us dance like the Sakura.” He said.

“This is the perfect moment.” Hana whispered to Hiru. “This is the perfect moment?” He inquired. “You mean for this?” He moved in closer to her face. They were about to kiss in the moonlight. The perfect ending to a perfect night; too bad the night was not over.


Thank You for reading this fic. If anone actually read through it, I thank you.

A rep point for anyone who does reply.
 

Lectori Salutem

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If this is a whole chapter, it's way too short. If this is only part of the chapter, then please post the rest.
I like the cherry blossoms, but other than that we don't know anything about the surrounding. Same with the characters.
I didn't see any typo's or grammar errors, so that's good.
And the story, well it's a little too early for conclusions on that. It looks like it will be an interesting love story. Keep writing!

Well, I hope that helped.
There a lots of better writers than me here, so I'm sure you'll get some more and better advise in no time!
 

Oathy

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*points at post above her* Gunblade_girl, your icon makes me all kinds of happy. SYAORAN PILE!

Anyway, as a test of your writing ability, PMF, I'd say you have talent. Definitely. Only suggestions would be separating dialogue into separate lines, as you'd find in books, as dialogue is sometimes lost in the midst of a paragraph (especially with different characters talking). Also, build up suspense with things like the kiss! And avoid any overly-used cliches.

Great work!! I hope to see more!
 

Lycanthrope

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As Snowy first said, too short. 4 paragraphs= about 1 minute of reading... o_O

It was grammatically correct, but I wasn't drawn into the story. Granted, it take more than a few sentences to get into something.
 
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