So guys, pretty much as the title says.
It's this kind of feeling you get when you have nothing to look forward to in life and nothing you feel worth living for.
I've been having a lot of different problems for the past 2-3 years. Some socially, some mentally and some having to do with teasing in school and such other clichè teenager crap.
One of the bigger current issues is trying to socialize with people, at birthday celebrations or at clubs and meetings with people I had never met before, especially since I'm now in an age where young people love to go out, drink and party with their friends (I often have to join in things like these). The same problems apply to me trying to have/keep up a proper conversation/small talk with other people I don't know so well.
I just often feel misplaced and care too much about what kind of impression I make on others. Thus, I often get nervous when talking to other people, make a fool out of myself, rather stay reserved and avoid contact as much as possible, etc.. Of course I try to integrate myself a bit into the community here and there wherever I can, only does it never really seem to work out that well.
This whole shyness might also come from me having been bullied a lot in past grades in school, often because of my Asian looks. That definitely influenced my self-confidence and my overall way of thinking about myself. It's hard to get rid of something like that.
Often I find myself avoiding crowded places, big parties and such. I rather just stay secluded in my room most of the day. Then, when I see other people in my age who effortlessly get along with all sorts of other teens, having fun at parties and enjoying themselves, I wonder why I'm not able to do that.
Another big problem I'm dealing with is my pretty low self esteem, I guess. I'm not really a very strong person, neither am I very good looking. That's just the way it is. I weep easily, get intimidated quickly and always try to please everybody.
I often try to toughen up when it comes to confrontations and I practice Taek-Won-Do too, but that doesn't change too much, especially not the way I see myself, in my opinion.
I'm pretty worried about how I'll live in future with all these problems. Due to my low self esteem and seclusion from parties, meeting with friends and other leisure activities outside, my life has become rather boring. My usual weekdays consist merely of school, sitting at home the rest of the day and going to TKD lessons. There's really nothing special in my life anymore, which takes me back to my first sentence in this post and the title.
There's just nothing that I can look forward to at all in life anymore. There are no real heights or lows in my life at the moment. I dont see anything big changing about that in future either.
It kind of gets me thinking what I'm actually living for and why I still go through the everyday hassle of socializing, bullying (which has pretty much gone down to a minimum by now) and school. Seems like I'm just killing time for the lulz.
I've had thoughts about depression and suicide a lot before but I don't think I've ever been this close to it.
(Now I want to clear up though, that I'm not trying to sound like an emo, a wuss or an attention whore that cries for some "don't worry if you ever need a friend just pm me suicide is not the right thing" shit or anything like that. I'm just trying to describe my thoughts as close as possible here.)
So, some advice or comments from people who've been through similar situations would be greatly appreciated.
It's this kind of feeling you get when you have nothing to look forward to in life and nothing you feel worth living for.
I've been having a lot of different problems for the past 2-3 years. Some socially, some mentally and some having to do with teasing in school and such other clichè teenager crap.
One of the bigger current issues is trying to socialize with people, at birthday celebrations or at clubs and meetings with people I had never met before, especially since I'm now in an age where young people love to go out, drink and party with their friends (I often have to join in things like these). The same problems apply to me trying to have/keep up a proper conversation/small talk with other people I don't know so well.
I just often feel misplaced and care too much about what kind of impression I make on others. Thus, I often get nervous when talking to other people, make a fool out of myself, rather stay reserved and avoid contact as much as possible, etc.. Of course I try to integrate myself a bit into the community here and there wherever I can, only does it never really seem to work out that well.
This whole shyness might also come from me having been bullied a lot in past grades in school, often because of my Asian looks. That definitely influenced my self-confidence and my overall way of thinking about myself. It's hard to get rid of something like that.
Often I find myself avoiding crowded places, big parties and such. I rather just stay secluded in my room most of the day. Then, when I see other people in my age who effortlessly get along with all sorts of other teens, having fun at parties and enjoying themselves, I wonder why I'm not able to do that.
Another big problem I'm dealing with is my pretty low self esteem, I guess. I'm not really a very strong person, neither am I very good looking. That's just the way it is. I weep easily, get intimidated quickly and always try to please everybody.
I often try to toughen up when it comes to confrontations and I practice Taek-Won-Do too, but that doesn't change too much, especially not the way I see myself, in my opinion.
I'm pretty worried about how I'll live in future with all these problems. Due to my low self esteem and seclusion from parties, meeting with friends and other leisure activities outside, my life has become rather boring. My usual weekdays consist merely of school, sitting at home the rest of the day and going to TKD lessons. There's really nothing special in my life anymore, which takes me back to my first sentence in this post and the title.
There's just nothing that I can look forward to at all in life anymore. There are no real heights or lows in my life at the moment. I dont see anything big changing about that in future either.
It kind of gets me thinking what I'm actually living for and why I still go through the everyday hassle of socializing, bullying (which has pretty much gone down to a minimum by now) and school. Seems like I'm just killing time for the lulz.
I've had thoughts about depression and suicide a lot before but I don't think I've ever been this close to it.
(Now I want to clear up though, that I'm not trying to sound like an emo, a wuss or an attention whore that cries for some "don't worry if you ever need a friend just pm me suicide is not the right thing" shit or anything like that. I'm just trying to describe my thoughts as close as possible here.)
So, some advice or comments from people who've been through similar situations would be greatly appreciated.
