Fanfiction ► Tale of Oblivion

[Chaosmax]

Ok this is a new fanfic I came up with, first off I want to explain that this takes place 10 years after Sora beats Orginization XIII. Currently there are two bad groups, the disney villains and three people bearing the orginization's cloak; they call themselves "The Dark Ones". Alright then enjoy and tell me if I need anything fixed or corrected. Also this is an AU fanfic.

Prologue​

1 year ago
The two sat atop the tree branch. The gentle breeze whistled through their cloaks, the sun shining brightly in the sky. The taller one turned to the shorter one. "Well should we make a move soon or what?" He folded his arms looked towards the ground. "Now's not the time, but at 2:30 we attack". He nodded.
They both had the same thought and laughed menacingly.
MARCUS NEVER FORGET YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WILL OPEN THE DOOR
_____________________
present
"Namine what has happened"
"They have Marcus"
"And what about Neo?" she shook her head. The red cloaked man sighed and paused for a moment. "Namine its time to start that plan" She had a scared look upon her face. He nodded. "It's for the best that we do this" "But what about Neo? What will happen to him if we do it?" He glared at her and she looked at her notebook.

"Now start the plan" she nodded grimly and typed at the computer. The computer voice echoed throughout the room. "Secret file acessed, starting project ERASE" He smiled menacingly.
___________________

NEO NEVER FORGET YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WILL OPEN THE DOOR

___________________

Please tell me what you guys/girls think of this and tell me if anything needs changing ^_^

 

[khfreak17]

um.... when different people are talking, try to put them in diff. paragraphs instead of the same. things can get confusing sometimes when that happens. some more detail would be good too. but other than that, its sounds like a good fanfic.

 

[Dawn Rebirth]

I ... have little to say ... when people reffer to the door which one they mean is never clear until later ... Neo ... I wonder just how this will play out.

 

[Chaosmax]

I ... have little to say ... when people reffer to the door which one they mean is never clear until later ... Neo ... I wonder just how this will play out.

Exactly, I knew someone would wonder about that and your right. One of them or both (lol) could open the door, but the question is, which door?
@Khfreak17 Will do and thanks for reading ^_^

 

[Chaosmax]

CH.1: AWAKENING

"Come one you lazy bum wake up"
"huh" Neo opened his eyes and found himself floating in some sort of container. He reached his hand out and his keyblade serenity came into his hand. He slashed in front of him and he fell out onto the floor. He glanced himself to find that he was in twilight town's mansion basement. The room was pure white and nothing was around him. Neo felt weak and could barely stand.

Suddenly an alarm rang and heartless sprung into the room. He knew he was no match for them in his current state so he sat there helpless as they lunged at him. When out of nowhere a keyblade slashes them and they dissappear. The figure wore a balck hooded outfit and he had a keyblade in his hand, he reached out his hand and a dark portal formed behind Neo.

"What are you guys after?" He screamed when suddenly he caught a good glimpse of the figure. This one was a different height than the others so he knew that this was a new recruit. He laughed darkly.

"Come one I rescue your sorry butt and no thank you's? Man what kind of friend are you?" Neo gasped as the figure slashed at him knocking him unconcious.

"Now we need to make sure yo don't mess with my plans old friend" He walked thorugh the portal.
________________________________-

Namine continuosly typed at the computer. Diz paced back and forth nervously.
"Well?" She looked up at him. "I'm sorry Diz we were too late, the Dark Ones have him now" He smashed his fist at the computer.

"Summon his majesty, he need to know what has happened and keep project ERASE secret from him" He said leaving the room. She nodded and summoned a portal to Disney Castle.

 

[Kachina]

The storyline sounds good.

 

[Lumen et ignem]

It sounds really good so far. Can't wait for the next chapter.

 

[Reverie]

I feel that the prologue was too short, and there could be more details added.

 

[Ventus Air-Man]

Well, the prologue and your first chapter are a little short. And also, you keep repeating the same words over again.

Originally Posted by Chaosmax
The two sat atop the tree branch. The gentle breeze whistled through their cloaks, the sun shining brightly in the sky. The taller one turned to the shorter one

All of your sentences in the quote start with 'the'. Try and come up with other details and adjectives to describe your writing.

Other than that, it's pretty good.

 

[khfreak17]

there should be more detail, more of a description of whats going on. it was also a little fast-paced. try to slow down a little bit. other than that and a few tiny grammatical errors, its a really good fanfic.

 

[Aria]

You need to add more detail into your chapters and make them longer. There was some grammatical/spelling errors too. I'm interested in what's going to happen next though.

 

[Chaosmax]

CH.2: CAPTURE

"Wake up man, I know you're not dead, not yet at least" Neo weakely opened his eyes and found himself back on his homeworld. The figure sat beside him, he glanced around to see that they were on his school building. Thunder boomed above them as the sky grew dark and rain peirced the ground. A dark portal opened behind them and two hooded figures walked out of it.

"Nice job Marcus, I knew you could do it" Said the short one smiling under his hood. Neo gasped and glanced shakingly at the figure beside him. He removed his hood to reveal that he was his old friend Marcus. The wind blew through his brown hair, his golden eyes burned with hatred as he shot an angry look at Neo.
"Now whats my next objective?" The two figures looked at each other and nodded.
"We need to find the Cornerstone of Darkness" Marcus nodded at vanished within a portal. Neo glanced at the edge of the building. I have to run as soon as possible away fom those two he thought.

The two figures started to talk to one and Neo found his chance to escape. He burst off the roof at full speed zooming to the edge. They turned in his direction. The short one vanished and reappeared in front of Neo. He reached his hand out and black chains formed around him. Neo fell to the ground.
"Now who said we were done kid?" Two two said in unison. A burst of light formed around Neo and he vanished.
"Dang, find him before he ruins our plans!" He shouted at the taller one, he nodded and vanished.
__________________________

Namine appeared in the throne room, she gasped at what she saw. The room obviously had became a battlefield. Tears were uopn the walls, burn marks appeared on the ground, the ground had craters in it, and the throne's chair had been sliced in half. She noiticed the queen was crying next to the chair, she ran towards her.

"Queen Minie what happened here? Where is the King?" Queen Minnie glanced at Namine with tears in her eyes.
"They....they... destroyed him, the Dark Ones came last night and came after me. Mickey hid me in the cornerstone's room and lockd it with a barrier so they could not reach me. Then when I came out this morning.....oh my Mickey.." Tears rolled down her cheek.

Dusks formed around them and a portal appeared. A hooded man walked out of it. He pointed at them.
"You two are coming with me" He said and a bright light flashed before them.

 

[Aria]

CH.2: CAPTURE

"Wake up man, I know you're not dead, not yet at least." Neo weakly opened his eyes and found himself back on his homeworld. The figure sat beside him,(1) he glanced around to see that they were on his school building. Thunder boomed above them as the sky grew dark and rain pierced the ground. A dark portal opened behind them and two hooded figures walked out of it.

1. This is a comma splice, you should either have a period or ", and he"

"Nice job Marcus, I knew you could do it" Said the short one smiling under his hood. Neo gasped and glanced shakingly(1) at the figure beside him. He removed his hood to reveal that he was his old friend Marcus. The wind blew through his brown hair, his golden eyes burned with hatred as he shot an angry look at Neo.

"Now whats my next objective?" The two figures looked at each other and nodded.

"We need to find the Cornerstone of Darkness." Marcus nodded at vanished within a portal. Neo glanced at the edge of the building. I have to run as soon as possible away from those two, he thought.

1. Not a word

Namine appeared in the throne room, she gasped at what she saw. The room obviously had became a battlefield. Tears(1) were upon the walls, burn marks appeared on the ground, the ground had craters in it, and the throne's chair had been sliced in half. She noticed the queen was crying next to the chair,(2) she ran towards her.

"Queen Minnie what happened here? Where is the King?" Queen Minnie glanced at Namine with tears in her eyes.

"They....they... destroyed him, the Dark Ones came last night and came after me. Mickey hid me in the cornerstone's room and locked it with a barrier so they could not reach me. Then when I came out this morning.....oh my Mickey.." Tears rolled down her cheek.

Dusks formed around them and a portal appeared. A hooded man walked out of it. He pointed at them.
"You two are coming with me" He said and a bright light flashed before them.

1. Tears? Seems a little odd
2. Comma splice again


You added in more detail, but you could still use a little more. I liked this chapter, looking forward to the next one!

 

[khfreak17]

i agree with aria. this one was better. although it would be better if the chapters were longer. but it was an awesome chappy none-the-less.

 

[Chaosmax]

i agree with aria. this one was better. although it would be better if the chapters were longer. but it was an awesome chappy none-the-less.

I will, the next 1 should be up by 2morrow and thanks for reading you guys^_^

 

[Aria]

Okay cool I'm looking forward to it.

 

[Ventus Air-Man]

The second chapter was a lot better than the first one. Nice job.

 

[Lumen et ignem]

The chapter was pretty good aside from the minor mistakes. If you want to make the chapters longer you could try combining them.

 

[Chaosmax]

this chapters decent but I promise it will get better soon, happy reading^_^

CH.3: BATTLE

Light flashed before them, Minnie opened her eyes shocked to see a chained up Neo. She pointed her finger at him and the chains vanished.
"Double Curaga!" The queen shouted. The figure laughed sinisterly under his brown cloak.
"You think now that you have that little imbecile you stand a chance? Get them my dusks!" He shouted and they charged forward. Both girls screamed in unison. Neo summoned serenity and charged at the dusks. He lunged and knocked two back. One came above him and clawed at him, he anticipated the attack and used a reflect spell to block it.

"Not half bad young keyblade bearer but lets see if you can handle this!" He raised his arms and three Neoshadows appeared beside the three dusks. Neo smiled and looked back at Minnie he pointed to the chair and she understood what he was trying to say. Minnie whispered to Namine and they both nodded. Namine summoned a portal and they walked through it. Neo turned back to the enemies.

Neo jumped high into the air and the tip of his keyblade shone with bright light, he then fired multiple shots of light at the heartless and nobodies. One dusk quickly evaded the attack and lashed out at him as he fell to the ground. He parried the attack and slashed at the remaining dusk destroying it. He pointed his keyblade at the brown cloaked man breathing heavily.

"You're next" Neo yelled.
"Foolish child do you not know the power I have?" He summoned at least 50 heartless and nobodies. Suddenly the floor underneath the throne’s chair moved and a huge wave of light burst out and destroyed the enemies. "This isn't over Neo" The figure muttered and vanished within a portal. Neo sighed heavily and turned to the staircase leading to the hall of the cornerstone.
________________________

1 hour later

“I see, are you sure that he’s….” Neo pondered and she nodded. Namine turned to Neo.
“So what are you going to do with the Dark Ones” He stood there crossed armed thinking deeply.
“I guess I have to take them down and avenge the king” The girls nodded in unison.
“But before you go Neo…” He turned to the queen, she raised her finger and his whole body flashed a bright light. He opened his eyes and stood breathless at his new outfit.
________________________
Sorry but I don't really know how to describe his new outfit so here's a link to it his is the green and black 1
YouTube - UNUSED DRIVE FORMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Lumen et ignem]

Your last chapter was really good. It has good details.