[content deleted]
(Because I'm paranoid about people stealing my stuff. =P)
(Because I'm paranoid about people stealing my stuff. =P)
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The only thing that I don't get is, and you will probably make this more clear as you continue to write this great story, is the plot. At first I thought this was about Megan and her family, but then you did a moment of something that you didn't expect to happen. That's when it got confusing. you introduce the element of inter planetary travel through water, which I find it very interesting, but confusing. I do hope that you make this more apparent in later chapters.
Some of the characters can be better introduced, like Andrew, Megan's mom, Dad.
I can think of maybe like add what Megan's dad does? Or what her Mom does if she does work? There are a few characters, like Megan's friends back on earth, if they are not important or if they are, give them a little more of a background
otherwise characters are very fleshed out, mostly Tyler and Megan. All though now that I think about it, Tyler is becoming an enigma, but that's my opinion.
All in all, its a great story, and I hope that you continue to write this, and I hope the plot becomes more apparent, and when I get the chance to fix your grammar and spelling problems..
Spoiler ShowI both like this and don't at the same time. :c It might be the last sentence.I wanted to smash my alarm clock against the wall—I had absolutely no desire to go to school today. But Dad would kill me if I asked to stay home.
(1) Can be reworded and flow a bit nicer. You have a couple other sentences that can be rewritten or just worded differently for the same reason, as well. For this sentence, I think “...bathroom, and I saw my reflection in the mirror”I dragged myself out of bed and into the bathroom, where I noticed my reflection in the mirror (1). My eyelids were fighting a losing battle against gravity, and the sight of my hair made me regret taking a shower last night and going to bed without drying it (2). It stuck up in odd directions and at strange angles, forming a tangled mess of brown hair. I resembled a cross (3) between a brown-eyed lizard and It from the Addam’s Family.
(2) Kind of drags on. “Showering without drying my hair before going to bed” works the same if anything.
(3) “a mix.” the description is a bit odd to me. .-. I don't know my lizards. I can guess though.
Kind of choppy and confusing. “blah blah until my brother started blaring some random heavy metal song from his stereo” or something would work I think.Yawning uncontrollably, I started my morning routine in [a] half-asleep zombie mode, not fully waking up until some heavy metal song started blaring from my brother’s room.
The door opened so quickly that I almost hit him in the nose with my raised fist.
Bolded parts could use some different wording.
(1) Worded really weird and I don't like it. :C (kidding, but should be tweaked I think.)He rolled his eyes, muttered something about how he guessed he could, (1) and then smiled as he rumpled my hair like the loving, annoying older brother he was. “Hey! It’s messed up enough as it is!” I yelled. As he walked over to his stereo to lower the volume, I stood in the doorway and peered around.
Random note, you told me that the name Megan was used. However, I like Tyler. :c Random thing.
I notice you use some nice wording but sometimes it doesn't really fit and sound right to me. Sometimes it's best if you're going to do first person point of view, you should talk like that character would talk. Example: Peered. No teenage girl in high school named Megan says “I stood in the doorway and peered around” regardless of how weird that sounds as it is to me. I can't place my finger on it for whyyyy though. :c
(1) This paragraph bothers me. I'm not really sure if I should care or not about Tyler and his escapades, him and their dad fighting. Just get on with the story and write what's important. We don't need to know EVERY single detail. And this is also a lot of telling instead of showing us. Showing can be as easy as a flashback or just simply remembering the argument.Stepping inside Tyler’s room was like entering another world. Various band posters covered the walls, from Black Sabbath to Iron Maiden to Metallica, plus other bands I didn’t know. (1) A broken drum set slumped in the corner beneath the window, a relic of one too many band practices with his friends. A battered guitar and a bass that had seen better days leaned against it. A short-circuited amp occupied the other corner between Tyler’s cluttered desk and his unmade bed. It was here that Tyler placed his prized stereo system, the only thing in this room that looked like it still worked. With all these instruments, one might think that Tyler and his friends practiced here. But oh no, Dad would never allow that. This was simply their storage room for their broken equipment. Tyler’s best friend, Matt, owned “band headquarters”.
Side note: I bet their dad's name is Adrian. I don't like that name either and I don't like their dad. :c
(1) Strange word to use.He seemed to be wrestling (1) with himself, as if he wanted to say something but wasn’t sure how to say it (2). Or if he should say it in the first place.
(2) Explain, start, something else than “say it”.
“Hey…Megan…[COMMA WOULD WORK FINE HERE]” he began [COMMA] hesitantly, not looking up.
Disbelief seems to be the wrong word and I'm pretty sure the punctuation in the quote is wrong although I could be wrong myself on that part.“‘Nothing’?” I echoed in disbelief.
Kind of unnatural if you ask me. The last part I mean. It just seems forced.“Yeah, nothing,” he mumbled. “Now get outta here! We gotta get ready or we’ll be late for school.”
So far I'm only noticing flow problems, wording issues and little vocabulary things that can be easily changed. You also have a problem with what should be kept, what shouldn't. If it isn't important to the story, don't go on and on and on. A relationship should and can be explained easily and I think you can handle doing THAT yourself. Dialogue and basic rewording can do this.
Oh, and don't be afraid of using said or nothing at all. I notice you're sort of forcing everyone to have all these sorts of emotions when you honestly don't have to. Just let it flow. Read it aloud if it helps.
Spoiler Show
“You look like you’re heading [“to” instead of “for”] your funeral or something.”
Grudges aren't good. :c I don't like Megan.“It’s a whole lot better than ‘nothing’,” I quipped just to shut him up.
The message is fine but it's just awkward in how it's put together. Could use some rearranging and rewording.Silence reigned for a [whole] minute before I finally caved. “It’s my history class today,” I revealed with a resigned sigh. “We’ve been debating a different issue every day this week.”
Switch reasons and unexplained.Our fathers also loathed each other for reasons unexplained.
Just say something like “Tyler approached this topic carefully” or something. I think I'm being biased. I don't like the word broached. (I'm really weird.)“This may seem ridiculous to you,” Tyler carefully broached, “but have you ever considered…[SPACE] letting the feud thing go?”
Alright, done with that section. We get some foreshadowing going on, we get some dialogue, etc. But again, don't be afraid to just leave it at an empty quote. You don't need fancy adjectives and quipping and shit. Just get it said, get it done. You don't have to have 100% DESCRIPTION. ALL THE TIME. It gets boring and actually harder to read than
“she said, he said,”
Try to learn to mix the two.
A lot of these could just be me being picky and can be taken however you want it. I'm really sorry for taking forever.
Spoiler ShowBolded parts could use some different wording.
I don’t know. I really like that sentence.
Sometimes it's best if you're going to do first person point of view, you should talk like that character would talk. Example: Peered. No teenage girl in high school named Megan says “I stood in the doorway and peered around” regardless of how weird that sounds as it is to me. I can't place my finger on it for whyyyy though. :c
I use “peer” all the time Then again, I use a lot of “strange” words on a daily basis =P
This paragraph bothers me. I'm not really sure if I should care or not about Tyler and his escapades, him and their dad fighting. Just get on with the story and write what's important. We don't need to know EVERY single detail. And this is also a lot of telling instead of showing us. Showing can be as easy as a flashback or just simply remembering the argument.
I’ll try to cut back on the detail but the information is important. I’ll see if I can condense it a little bit. As for the “telling vs showing”, I felt the exposition should have more of the former rather than the latter.
Side note: I bet their dad's name is Adrian. I don't like that name either and I don't like their dad. :c
You know, I like that better than the name I gave him =P
Kind of unnatural if you ask me. The last part I mean. It just seems forced.
It’s supposed to be forced. He’s changing the subject and making her leave.
So far I'm only noticing flow problems, wording issues and little vocabulary things that can be easily changed. You also have a problem with what should be kept, what shouldn't. If it isn't important to the story, don't go on and on and on. A relationship should and can be explained easily and I think you can handle doing THAT yourself. Dialogue and basic rewording can do this.
Well, the problem is this: many things that I include have importance later on in the story. And some have no importance. Have to throw in some red herrings or everyone’s going to figure out “oh, she mentioned this seemingly insignificant detail but everything has importance somehow so that detail HAS to be important”.
Oh, and don't be afraid of using said or nothing at all. I notice you're sort of forcing everyone to have all these sorts of emotions when you honestly don't have to. Just let it flow. Read it aloud if it helps.
I guess I have this phobia of “said” =P It’s just so… blah. But I can see how other words can be overwhelming. I’ll go through and edit the conversations.
Grudges aren't good. :c I don't like Megan.
Well, to be fair, grudges run her family =P
The message is fine but it's just awkward in how it's put together. Could use some rearranging and rewording.
I’ve read and reread this sentence but I don’t see how I could rearrange it. It looks just fine to me, but that’s probably because I’m the author =P
Switch reasons and unexplained.
Both “reasons unexplained” and “unexplained reasons” work here. And I personally like the former =P Probably because I’m weird like that.
Just say something like “Tyler approached this topic carefully” or something. I think I'm being biased. I don't like the word broached. (I'm really weird.)
“Broached” seems perfect for conveying Tyler’s tone. Anything else gets too wordy.
Alright, done with that section. We get some foreshadowing going on, we get some dialogue, etc. But again, don't be afraid to just leave it at an empty quote. You don't need fancy adjectives and quipping and shit. Just get it said, get it done. You don't have to have 100% DESCRIPTION. ALL THE TIME. It gets boring and actually harder to read than “she said, he said,” Try to learn to mix the two. I'll post the rest of it once I finish it and you respond to this. It's getting really long... And I hope it's alright that I'm only doing chapter 1.
Yes, I get a bit adjective happy when I’m writing. Which is good for description but not when I abuse it like I have =P Thanks for pointing that out.
Again, sorry for the length. And it’s perfectly alright to only do chapter 1. I wouldn’t mind if you read the rest of them and maybe commented a bit, but you don’t have to give a full blown critique. The same issues you pointed out here probably pervade the rest of the chapters anyway. =P
Silence reigned for a [whole] minute before I finally caved. “It’s my history class today,” I revealed with a resigned sigh. “We’ve been debating a different issue every day this week.”I’ve read and reread this sentence but I don’t see how I could rearrange it. It looks just fine to me, but that’s probably because I’m the author =P
Silence reigned for a [whole] minute before I finally caved. “It’s my history class today,” I revealed with a resigned sigh. “We’ve been debating a different issue every day this week.”
to
Silence reigned for quite a while before I gave a resigned sigh, caving. "It's my history class today. "We've been debating a new issue every day this week," I revealed, looking ___" (dejected? I'm at a loss of words right now. headache.)
As for the rest of it, it's up to you. Some of it just bothered me in how it was worded. It just sounds weird in my head. But seriously, try reading it OUT LOUD to yourself. It helps a lot with flow and general issues like that.
Yeah, that sounds fine.How about this?
Silence reigned for a whole minute before I finally caved. “It’s my history class today. We’ve been debating a different issue every day this week.”
I'll try that =) Thanks for taking the time to read and critique. I really appreciate it =)
Hey on a side note, does anyone know the rules with doing next chapters? Are you supposed to do it in a separate post, or in the same one? Because I was thinking of adding the second chapter to the one I did a few weeks ago, but the thread's really old, and I don't want an admin yelling at me or anything...so is that okay for me to "bump" it up with the second chapter? Please let me know, thanks.