Help/Support ► What is Normal?

[Nutari]

I've posted a few threads about questions concerning my relationship, simple minor things.

This is going to require somebody with a good memory and or a stable relationship. It's going on about a month and a half/two months. She is still nervous around me, but when she opens up she is something truly special. Unfortunately when she is nervous she can be obnoxious and utterly annoying. She talks more loudly, says THE stupidest things (sadly) and trips. Or hits her hips on something. That is pretty much my only gripe.

How should I help her cope with her nervousness? I know what she is really like, so it is worth it to put up with her chaotic nerves. I just don't want to have to deal with them on every single date. Considering I can't see her every day the nerves are much more understandable and keeps the relationship more stable.

My question though is this- two of my past relationships had blossomed because of a kiss. I want to kiss Annmarie badly. She is too nervous, and I don't want to pressure her or steal one from her, being that I would be her first real kiss. I believe that this may be the source of her nerves. I made the mistake of talking to her about it and so this past date it took her forever to warm up, but we went and star gazed while her dad and family watched a Beatles Tribute concert. Unfortunately she insisted that her sister and her sister's boyfriend joined us, so I couldn't try to kiss her (with her permission of course). I don't mind waiting... but I don't want to wait forever. I've liked her for a long time and I guess this is just new to her.

I mean when I put my arm around her when we sit, she doesn't scoot closer like most girls would. I suppose I may be throwing too much her direction, or maybe the other relationships I've had, have been utterly destructive to how I think a girl should react to my rather innocent contact. So what say you guys? I really like her, and when she opens up I love her. She feels somewhat similar but her nerves really distract her feelings for me. I think she has some separation anxiety because her mom left her and her dad when she was seven. Which brings up her nervous lying. This bugs me a little because when she laughs at me for something she immediately apologizes, and says she is laughing at something, like an object or what ever. I give her a look she apologizes again and then I feel like a douche and she feels bad.

So, quite a few issues, rather small ones, but if they could be taken care of, our relationship could really be something beautiful. I guess it already is, there are just a few things standing in the way.

 

[Nyangoro]

I would suggest doing things/acting in a way that makes her less nervous.

I'd recommend talking about it, but talking with people about things that make them nervous tends to... make them nervous.

 

[Sean]

I'd say talk to her anyway despite the fact that she gets nervous. I may not be the guy that's grade A material on relationship advice but I did date someone for 2 years that really never had a physical relationship beyond that of a kiss. So essentially I'd say I was in the same situation that you are faced with now. My advice? Take it at her pace. And let her know you're willing to do that. Things that are left in the dark tend to boil up and end badly for both parties if not addressed sooner or later. But seeing as its been only 2 months, you've still got time to shape the relationship into what you both think fits best.

 

[Nutari]

I'd say talk to her anyway despite the fact that she gets nervous. I may not be the guy that's grade A material on relationship advice but I did date someone for 2 years that really never had a physical relationship beyond that of a kiss. So essentially I'd say I was in the same situation that you are faced with now. My advice? Take it at her pace. And let her know you're willing to do that. Things that are left in the dark tend to boil up and end badly for both parties if not addressed sooner or later. But seeing as its been only 2 months, you've still got time to shape the relationship into what you both think fits best.

I did tell her I want what she wants, and I really do. I think I just get caught up in what my mind/hormones want before I really think about what is best for her. She isn't like other girls really, she has to be the mom in her family, so she is really attached to her dad and her sisters, I need to slow the fuck down in what I want. Those things can wait and I want to last long with her, so your advice helps! I really don't want a relationship that has sex involved, I want to wait, so taking the time to really shape it is good for me, good for her, and good for her family.

 

[Cosmic+Amarna]

You two should smoke some kush together lol. What you said, if you really like her and are into her then you just need to be a lil more adaptable to her personality. I'm sure she won't stay that way forever around you, but it may take time. I don't know her and what you've described isn't a full picture, but based off that I'd maybe bring it up w/ her. Don't be like 'you act different, better or worse a certain way', or 'you're too uneasy' since she may take offense and withdraw even further. Do you compliment her or say things to her that are comforting?

I can understand your frustration on how she acts a certain way when nervous that is obnoxious but is totally different when she is calm/confident. Maybe there is a deeper problem as to why she does that. I'd just try to focus on making her feel more comfortable but not noticeably or forcibly, it's gotta be subtle. Because if you put her on the spot she may get even more self conscious over it. Good luck and just be patient and a gentlemen.

 

[Nutari]

You two should smoke some kush together lol. What you said, if you really like her and are into her then you just need to be a lil more adaptable to her personality. I'm sure she won't stay that way forever around you, but it may take time. I don't know her and what you've described isn't a full picture, but based off that I'd maybe bring it up w/ her. Don't be like 'you act different, better or worse a certain way', or 'you're too uneasy' since she may take offense and withdraw even further. Do you compliment her or say things to her that are comforting?

I can understand your frustration on how she acts a certain way when nervous that is obnoxious but is totally different when she is calm/confident. Maybe there is a deeper problem as to why she does that. I'd just try to focus on making her feel more comfortable but not noticeably or forcibly, it's gotta be subtle. Because if you put her on the spot she may get even more self conscious over it. Good luck and just be patient and a gentlemen.

Yeah, it's a bit hard to paint a full picture. I guess I find it hard to describe her. I've got my problems too and I need to keep that in mind. I do compliment her when we go on dates, but we are normally alone, or semi alone. That last date had too many people and I felt as if I couldn't be as... personal as I wanted to be. Looking back on the past few dates I'd say I've fucked up pretty hard. Yet she still likes me, I should probably just work with it, instead of being so rigid. I wish I could talk to her right this second and apologize... but she still has a few days of school left, and I don't Dx dammit

 

[Bukkake Sensei]

I made the mistake of talking to her about it

No, son. Talking about your desires and expectations for a relationship is never a mistake. If you want to make a relationship work, you need to put everything out in the open.

So, quite a few issues, rather small ones, but if they could be taken care of, our relationship could really be something beautiful. I guess it already is, there are just a few things standing in the way.

I don't think these are small issues. From the sound of it, you are two very different people with different backgrounds who want different things. There's nothing wrong with wanting different things, but it does mean that this relationship probably is not going to survive much longer.

You're making a very big mistake by dismissing the parts of her personality that are 'nervous, obnoxious and utterly annoying' as incidental obstacles that you can help her overcome. This is the real her. She's probably a bit weird and socially maladjusted -- in NO WAY does that devalue her, but your choice here is to accept her or reject her, not to help her overcome her own character.

And finally, you mentioned that she has a habit of 'nervous lying' that you didn't really expand upon. Do NOT downplay that. Lying is always, always, always a huge deal, no matter how minor it might seem on the surface. If she's shown a habitual pattern of dishonesty, you REALLY need to reconsider this relationship.

 

[Cosmic+Amarna]

^Pretty good and pretty much it.

 

[Nutari]

No, son. Talking about your desires and expectations for a relationship is never a mistake. If you want to make a relationship work, you need to put everything out in the open.



I don't think these are small issues. From the sound of it, you are two very different people with different backgrounds who want different things. There's nothing wrong with wanting different things, but it does mean that this relationship probably is not going to survive much longer.

You're making a very big mistake by dismissing the parts of her personality that are 'nervous, obnoxious and utterly annoying' as incidental obstacles that you can help her overcome. This is the real her. She's probably a bit weird and socially maladjusted -- in NO WAY does that devalue her, but your choice here is to accept her or reject her, not to help her overcome her own character.

And finally, you mentioned that she has a habit of 'nervous lying' that you didn't really expand upon. Do NOT downplay that. Lying is always, always, always a huge deal, no matter how minor it might seem on the surface. If she's shown a habitual pattern of dishonesty, you REALLY need to reconsider this relationship.

Okay so talking about that stuff is good. Great

It could survive, I just don't see her on a daily basis so it's just one of those things where it's like going on a first date all over again.

I'm not meaning to seem as if I am dismissing her personality quirks. Maybe I'm not putting her in the proper light... She takes a while to adjust to being around me. She was really calm at my house. I think the key to her nerves was me being around her family. She finds them embarrassing sometimes, and trust me they are, but I think she feels as if they would scare me away, hence the nerves. I am going to accept who she is either way. She isn't fake, she isn't out to use me like other girls have tried and succeeded, and honest to God? I am just as strange as she is, if not worse... I just have a shit ton of self control.

And the nervous lying really is nervous lying. It only occurs when she thinks what I said wasn't supposed to be funny, but she laughed any way. That is the only time she ever does it, and she doesn't have any patterns of being dishonest. I'm observant enough to catch those things, especially because I lived with kids who lied about everything, stole things, and manipulated people.


Thanks by the way. I think I've figured out my feelings pretty well... who knows? It may collapse but I think dumping her because she has a few quirks is complete and total douchebaggary. It seems to be the equivalent of my dumping a girl because she is not as attractive as I first thought, or something like that. It comes with the package, and I'm okay with that