ok, first post. here goes!~
to begin, i've been a KHI user for quite some time 1+ yrs, but on a diff accoutn. i can't use it cause i think my identity has been...um compromised? hence, faceless!!! sorry in advance for making 2 accounts. it may seem paranoia to be making a second account but i need to be careful. someone may figure out who i am if they know me in person. dangerous business. basically i'm being super careful....
kk..this is going to be a long one, so i hope you've got some patience. basically, i'm at the dilemma of my life. this is gonna require some background history.
alright near the beginning of my first few years at college, i fell in love. madly in love with a girl (i'm a guy, just so ya know). we're completely committed to one another, trusting, and we can be completely ourselves around each other. we're committed to the point of marriage. it's perfect. well, sort of....our relationship is secret. very secret. only our school friends know.
the wrench in this plot is our families, our community, and our overall future.
to start, our community.
first of all, we're both asian (so it helps my identity since there is 1 bill+ of us =) ), and so are our families. our families know each other. you know how ur parents have their own group of friends, that are their race only? well, my parents have that. our families were friends. they are friends, kind of now, but not close or anything. they just know each other, but don't really like each other. we used to be kinda close (went camping with them and other families etc). why we're not know, i'll explain later. in any case, the community is vicious. a bunch of other asian parents, religious, fake religious, and non-religious. gossiping bitches left right and center. all they do is gossip. back bite. make rumors. so forth. so whenever anything is us, they talk about it as if it's so damn important. anyways, basically, if anyone in this 'circle of friends' our parents know found out about our relationship, we'd be screwed. our parents would find out. in fact, we've come close to being caught, so rumors are already spreading....why is this bad, you ask? let me explain...(to be clear, i dont give a crap what the community thinks of me...just what her parents and my parents do..)
her family: the two of us are religious, finding our way and such. Christians. her parents are v. v. v. religious. not extreme, like nun and stuff. but it's a big part of their life. so their very strict as you can imagine. she's hardly allowed out, and mingling with guys is forbidden. she's got to lie to them out of necessity...she's tried the truth with minor guy things, but all they do is yell, and put her down...her mom is actually kind of insane. her dad is sane, and is a simple but fair main. very wise, from the stories she tells me. but strict, and protective of her daughter as any father owuld be. she and her dad have a good relationship, not so much with her mom though...
so that's some backgrond on her parents. now for mine. my parents are not so religious (which bugs me, and i'm trying to make them be - another topic for another time...). they are more worried about safety/health/etc. instead of the life after. to me, these are less important. anyways, they're much more liberal, but not in a good way. ok, well there is my brother. ****. basically, he has screwed everything up for me. he went and married this atheist woman (my brother is 'chrisitan' but basically atheist), and he's only 23. my brother is ****ing stupid in general, he drinks, did drugs, and sleeps around. a man-slut. my parents don't know the extent, but i do. anyways, so know the community has kind of isolated my family. they're not part of those 'parties', etc. we're the gossip now, cause my parents let my brother get married. everyone thinks my parents are shit. what's worse, is my stupid-ass dad (argh, sorry, just mad for this) told ppl i said, "my brother can do what he wants". frankly, i just wanted him out of the house, cuz he causes my parents too much trouble. boy is that gonna bite me in the ass. ok so community thinks bad, and since her parents are religious, they think bad of my parents, which means of me as well. doesnt make sense? lemme explain asian religious marriages.
ok. well basically, i'm posting this thread to get advice as to when to break it to our parents that we're in a relationship fully intended for marriage and nothing less. so essentially, it'll be a marriage proposal. (even if the engagement is long...) so what do her parents look for in a guy? being strict and religious, and worried for her future. (1) education - i'm smart. so no big deal. problem: i'm doing philosophy, not much of a future there...so they could be worried. (2) her education - they want her to be a lwayer, and no one to prevent her. i'm supportive, so hopeuflly no big deal. (3) my religiousness - here i am lacking, but i am showing improvement. i am learning and so forth. (4) my family - the trump card. the thing that screws me up, including this with #3. my family is not religious, not that respected in my community (even tho we're rich - trust me, that means crap in my commmunity, which is dumb if you ask me). my bro's marriage makes us look worse... i think her parents are more concerned about this than anything else. Love is not important to them. it doesn't matter that i love her. how do i know this? basically, my lover has told me so, and she asked her dad, who will hopefully have final say (her mom might sway his opinion tho...) (5) my age. Oh yeah, did I mention I'm younger? by like 6 months...but still. her parents are seriously anal about this. she once mentioned "oh, he's my friend" and her parents freaked. they said she can't be 'friends' with guys younger than her (girls are fine of course).
my parents should be fine with everything. they trust me a lot, and even told me to tell them about marriage whenever i'm ready. i think they might be hurt if i don't tell them for so long...but if i tell them too early (way before my lover's parents I mean), then my lover's parents are gonna be pissed off they were told late... so it's not a good idea. plus, i'm not sure if my parents could keep it secret.... it's kinda a code amongst parents to tell one another. my lover has it easy. they're gonna lover her. so no worries about my end. the only worry is how much my family will screw up.
so given this situation...now what??? when do we tell them? we've been lying for a few years now. we see each other often in my car, but that's it. just in my car. maybe at a friend's house once in a while. my undergrad is almost ending (2 more years maybe?)...our plan is after undergraduate. why then? well, i'll seem older, and ill have a degree. so i'll seem stable. hopefully a job, and a plan to go to some graduate education. and by then, my lover will hopefully be heading to law school, so things will seem underway. plus, it'll seem mature. maybe by that time, my bro's marriage will blow over, but i doubt it. plus, my parents aren't gonna improve that much religiously (or her parents aren't gonna notice)...
so a couple of questions. when do we tell our parents? how much do we tell them (i.e. for how long we've been seeing each other, what we've done, etc)? Oh, and rule out the option of running away with each other and stuff... i want her parent's approval. it means a lot. even if they are unreasonable. parents are important to God, and are then important to me...please suggestions/advice/support from anyone of any age. any advice is welcome. but please don't take it badly if i tell you why i can't do what you're asking.
phew...so ... help?
to begin, i've been a KHI user for quite some time 1+ yrs, but on a diff accoutn. i can't use it cause i think my identity has been...um compromised? hence, faceless!!! sorry in advance for making 2 accounts. it may seem paranoia to be making a second account but i need to be careful. someone may figure out who i am if they know me in person. dangerous business. basically i'm being super careful....
kk..this is going to be a long one, so i hope you've got some patience. basically, i'm at the dilemma of my life. this is gonna require some background history.
alright near the beginning of my first few years at college, i fell in love. madly in love with a girl (i'm a guy, just so ya know). we're completely committed to one another, trusting, and we can be completely ourselves around each other. we're committed to the point of marriage. it's perfect. well, sort of....our relationship is secret. very secret. only our school friends know.
the wrench in this plot is our families, our community, and our overall future.
to start, our community.
first of all, we're both asian (so it helps my identity since there is 1 bill+ of us =) ), and so are our families. our families know each other. you know how ur parents have their own group of friends, that are their race only? well, my parents have that. our families were friends. they are friends, kind of now, but not close or anything. they just know each other, but don't really like each other. we used to be kinda close (went camping with them and other families etc). why we're not know, i'll explain later. in any case, the community is vicious. a bunch of other asian parents, religious, fake religious, and non-religious. gossiping bitches left right and center. all they do is gossip. back bite. make rumors. so forth. so whenever anything is us, they talk about it as if it's so damn important. anyways, basically, if anyone in this 'circle of friends' our parents know found out about our relationship, we'd be screwed. our parents would find out. in fact, we've come close to being caught, so rumors are already spreading....why is this bad, you ask? let me explain...(to be clear, i dont give a crap what the community thinks of me...just what her parents and my parents do..)
her family: the two of us are religious, finding our way and such. Christians. her parents are v. v. v. religious. not extreme, like nun and stuff. but it's a big part of their life. so their very strict as you can imagine. she's hardly allowed out, and mingling with guys is forbidden. she's got to lie to them out of necessity...she's tried the truth with minor guy things, but all they do is yell, and put her down...her mom is actually kind of insane. her dad is sane, and is a simple but fair main. very wise, from the stories she tells me. but strict, and protective of her daughter as any father owuld be. she and her dad have a good relationship, not so much with her mom though...
so that's some backgrond on her parents. now for mine. my parents are not so religious (which bugs me, and i'm trying to make them be - another topic for another time...). they are more worried about safety/health/etc. instead of the life after. to me, these are less important. anyways, they're much more liberal, but not in a good way. ok, well there is my brother. ****. basically, he has screwed everything up for me. he went and married this atheist woman (my brother is 'chrisitan' but basically atheist), and he's only 23. my brother is ****ing stupid in general, he drinks, did drugs, and sleeps around. a man-slut. my parents don't know the extent, but i do. anyways, so know the community has kind of isolated my family. they're not part of those 'parties', etc. we're the gossip now, cause my parents let my brother get married. everyone thinks my parents are shit. what's worse, is my stupid-ass dad (argh, sorry, just mad for this) told ppl i said, "my brother can do what he wants". frankly, i just wanted him out of the house, cuz he causes my parents too much trouble. boy is that gonna bite me in the ass. ok so community thinks bad, and since her parents are religious, they think bad of my parents, which means of me as well. doesnt make sense? lemme explain asian religious marriages.
ok. well basically, i'm posting this thread to get advice as to when to break it to our parents that we're in a relationship fully intended for marriage and nothing less. so essentially, it'll be a marriage proposal. (even if the engagement is long...) so what do her parents look for in a guy? being strict and religious, and worried for her future. (1) education - i'm smart. so no big deal. problem: i'm doing philosophy, not much of a future there...so they could be worried. (2) her education - they want her to be a lwayer, and no one to prevent her. i'm supportive, so hopeuflly no big deal. (3) my religiousness - here i am lacking, but i am showing improvement. i am learning and so forth. (4) my family - the trump card. the thing that screws me up, including this with #3. my family is not religious, not that respected in my community (even tho we're rich - trust me, that means crap in my commmunity, which is dumb if you ask me). my bro's marriage makes us look worse... i think her parents are more concerned about this than anything else. Love is not important to them. it doesn't matter that i love her. how do i know this? basically, my lover has told me so, and she asked her dad, who will hopefully have final say (her mom might sway his opinion tho...) (5) my age. Oh yeah, did I mention I'm younger? by like 6 months...but still. her parents are seriously anal about this. she once mentioned "oh, he's my friend" and her parents freaked. they said she can't be 'friends' with guys younger than her (girls are fine of course).
my parents should be fine with everything. they trust me a lot, and even told me to tell them about marriage whenever i'm ready. i think they might be hurt if i don't tell them for so long...but if i tell them too early (way before my lover's parents I mean), then my lover's parents are gonna be pissed off they were told late... so it's not a good idea. plus, i'm not sure if my parents could keep it secret.... it's kinda a code amongst parents to tell one another. my lover has it easy. they're gonna lover her. so no worries about my end. the only worry is how much my family will screw up.
so given this situation...now what??? when do we tell them? we've been lying for a few years now. we see each other often in my car, but that's it. just in my car. maybe at a friend's house once in a while. my undergrad is almost ending (2 more years maybe?)...our plan is after undergraduate. why then? well, i'll seem older, and ill have a degree. so i'll seem stable. hopefully a job, and a plan to go to some graduate education. and by then, my lover will hopefully be heading to law school, so things will seem underway. plus, it'll seem mature. maybe by that time, my bro's marriage will blow over, but i doubt it. plus, my parents aren't gonna improve that much religiously (or her parents aren't gonna notice)...
so a couple of questions. when do we tell our parents? how much do we tell them (i.e. for how long we've been seeing each other, what we've done, etc)? Oh, and rule out the option of running away with each other and stuff... i want her parent's approval. it means a lot. even if they are unreasonable. parents are important to God, and are then important to me...please suggestions/advice/support from anyone of any age. any advice is welcome. but please don't take it badly if i tell you why i can't do what you're asking.
phew...so ... help?
