Archetype's mediocre poetry.

[Archetype00x]

I'm not exactly in league with a lot of the writers here, but I figured I could use some criticism.

"Leaving it Behind--"

Changing things move inside me.

I shed my clothes, my skin, my hair --
they scatter like brittle
autumn
leaves.

My name, also;
moves up my esophagus,
spills from between my lips,
drops to the ground below,
a rotted,
black fruit,
a dirtied jewel.

Uprooted feet, tangled and white --
as bone, I say.
And o I shall become a ghost, growing into
nothing.
My fingers; lichen-laden branches
My thoughts; curling leaves, weighed heavy with dew.
My lips; cracked and dry, bleeding sap and unspoken goodbyes.

 

[Firagex]

ooh, very descriptive, good stuff.

 

[Archetype00x]

Thank you! I really appreciate the feedback.

 

[Mason Stark]

Mediocre? Yeah right.

That is a fantastic poem! I'm not much of a poetry writer, so I can't help very much with criticism. But I know a little bit from reading literature. xD; Your poem is very descriptive, especially the second stanza. That's an exceptional part, especially with the name falling to the ground. I can imagine that perfectly. The first stanza is a little bit weaker, but it's still good. And the third stanza made me cringe a bit. xD; Imagining all of that makes it seem rather horror-esque to me. Or at least dark. That stanza's creepy and sad at the same time!

Very well done! I'd definitely love to write some more!

 

[Archetype00x]

Mediocre? Yeah right.

That is a fantastic poem! I'm not much of a poetry writer, so I can't help very much with criticism. But I know a little bit from reading literature. xD; Your poem is very descriptive, especially the second stanza. That's an exceptional part, especially with the name falling to the ground. I can imagine that perfectly. The first stanza is a little bit weaker, but it's still good. And the third stanza made me cringe a bit. xD; Imagining all of that makes it seem rather horror-esque to me. Or at least dark. That stanza's creepy and sad at the same time!

Very well done! I'd definitely love to write some more!

Aaaaaaaah! Thank you, so much. I may seem a little bit insincere, but really, I do appreciate it. :3

 

[Archetype00x]

I wrote this one for Valentine's day. I felt melodramatic, and it ended up on paper.

---

I sent him my heart today--
a bloody valentine, wrapped in silk bows.
Carved from my aching chest,
It pulsed delicate words, unspoken nothings dripping
Melting sweet molasses.
Spilling from his finger tips,
And pooling at his feet.

I sent him my eyes today--
glass-green spheres, polished and perfumed.
Swollen with crystalline tears for which I had no room,
They stared vacantly, reflecting his stone face
As I placed them gingerly in his bronzed palm.

It is a funny thing
How hearts can be so fragile
And eyes can be so empty.
How without hearts
And eyes
And skin and bones
All we are--
Ghosts and pretty lights.

I bled myself dry,
Collecting each breath in a silver vial.
And he turned it over,
Decanting my everything
My heart wrung out
My eyes crushed in his grip
Discarded.

 

[Nyangoro]

. . . . . I demand that you take the world "medicore" out of the thread title.

 

[Archetype00x]

. . . . . I demand that you take the world "medicore" out of the thread title.

Daaaw. Shucks. c:

 

[Archetype00x]

This is a super old piece I did for the writing 'club' at my school.

"Peace."

How easily it can be broken,
Fragile like glass or
a child's finger bone.
Slender and quivering in a cold grasp
Eyes milky white glass orbs
It isn't sympathy,
It's Fate, and it's blind ignorance to you

Waiting for a tweak / crack / snap
of pale marrow branches
To let you,
the fawn, frightened and
breathing warily
Know when to bolt from the hungry wolf
Faster
Even though we all know it's only
a pinch of salt
a wisp of smoke away
from tearing into you.