Fanfiction ► Darkcula: The Hero of Darkness

[Khfan01]

Hello, I am back on this forums. Anyway just to say one thing first: Moderator, if there was a same thread about this one, please block that old thread. I am just starting new here. I will post each chapter by once or twice a week. If there is any error, then please reply with your opinion freely. Thank you and I hope you enjoy^^

Next Gen Heroes Co.
Presents..​

Darkcula: Hero of the Darkness​

Prologue​

In 1650, the moonlight shines the darkest night. Bats are screaming, and flying in the moonlight. Spiders are crawling creepily on the old walls of the castle. This is mid-17th century in Pennsylvania, Germany the old, ancient Castlevania is home to vampire family, and tonight they are having feast. At this ceremonial feast-filled ball room, the vampires are enjoying their time, eating, chatting, and dancing in the ball room. Tonight one of the family members, and the youngest son of Count Dracula I, Count Draco Dracula will introduce his wife and his baby son to the father vampire and the whole family.

“Attention, brothers and sisters” said the vampire brother. All the vampire relatives stopped, and turned their attention at the servant. “I would like to introduce our king of all vampires, the knight of darkness, and our great grandfather, Count Dracula I!” All the relatives applauded as an elderly, blue skin vampire, Count Dracula I came out of the door. Everyone was happy to hear what he is going to say. “My sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, of shadows I came here to announce my youngest son, Count Draco Dracula is here with his lovely wife, and his first born baby son.” All the vampires cheered in joy. “Now I would like to see Draco, my son and his family. Please come over here.” Soon Draco, the wife, and the baby came over to great grandfather of vampires. Draco has long black hair, blue eyes, and his height is 6 feet tall. “Father this is my wife, Elizabeth and my son, Count Draco Drake Dracula Jr.” Elizabeth’s face is hidden under a red hood. She wears a beautiful glamour dress with red stripes and pretty red shirt. She is holding the baby, and his face is hidden in white blanket. Count Dracula I smell suspicious smell…..human smell, all vampire loves that smell, but it seems that Elizabeth’s red dress is a magical dress that makes other vampire don’t smell of the human except for strong vampire such as himself.

“My, so you must be Elizabeth that my Draco told me all about, and this is your son” said Father Dracula. “Yes, it is great to see you, Father Dracula. This is Drake, my son.” She showed him the baby. She wrapped off the blanket little bit to reveal his face. More smell of human has been scented by Father Dracula, but strangely he also smell vampire smell which means the baby is half human half vampire. “Oh what a beautiful baby son you have, both of you.” Draco and Elizabeth blushed in red. Baby Drake has purple eyes and black hair. Father Dracula is happy, and even baby Drake smiled back at him. Father Dracula went back to his private room.

“Well, I am happy for both of you, too” said the mysterious voice. Draco and Elizabeth looked back, and it was Draco’s older brother, 6.7 feet tall, black short hair, sharp red eyes, and pink-palely skin Count Drace Dracula. “Big brother, I am happy to see you. It is been long time I seen you” said Draco happily. “Yes I am glad to see you to my brother. Anyway I would like you to introduce my wife Elizabeth,” proclaimed Draco. “Hello” introduced Elizabeth. “Greeting to you as well. Now why your beautiful face is is hidden under that hood?” asked Drace. “Ahhhhh, she is bit too shy. That’s why” replied Draco nervously. “Oh I see that’s fine” said Drace, but in his mind he can smell the sense of human from her, and the baby, too. “Anyway, you two, and the little one enjoy your time here at Castlevania. I have some important issue to handle” said Drace. “Okay” replied Draco.

Drace disappeared in a flash as Elizabeth was surprised. Then, he reappeared just outside the door of his father’s room. He slammed open the door, and the Father Dracula turned back suddenly, and see Drace. “Oh just you my older son, what do you want?” asked Father Dracula. “Father, Draco’s wife and his pitiful baby are human! Why you could’ve revealed his wife’s true face and we could’ve eaten her for the feast tonight!” said Drace angrily. “Yes, I know. I should’ve, but I can see in Draco’s eyes that he love this woman so much that it will be heartbroken whatever will happen to her, and the baby as well. So I let them go. I know that you are jealous that Draco will take over the next generation of the vampire family, but he has more potential then you my son. So I hope you understand……..waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!” screamed Father Dracula. A knife staffed into his heart by his own son! “Whhhhyyy?” said Father Dracula painfully and then he fall, and die. “Sorry father, but the rightful thing for you done is I become the new head of the family. Now you sleep in the darkness forever” said Drace evilly. He disappeared in smokes, and then after vampire brother came into Father Dracula’s room he sees Father Dracula laying dead. He was horrified, and he rushed to the ball room. “Help, brothers and sisters. Father Dracula was murdered!” Everyone was surprised in horror, and then suddenly a rock crashed into the window. This was a torch glowing outside, and there was an angry mob.

“Kill them all! Banish them all from our homeland” said the entire angry mob angrily, and loudly. They broke down the tall door, and enter the castle, destroying, and killing every vampire they find. Luckily, Draco, Elizabeth and their baby Drake escaped from Castlevania in time until Drace appeared in front of them. “Oh Drace it is just you. This is very bad brother. Our father was murdered by someone! I wonder who would do such a thing, but anyway we need to get somewhere safe. Then for few minutes Drace laugh evilly, and said, “Mwa ha ha ha! You foolish young brother! I am the one who killed our father.” “What, how could you Drace?!” replied Draco surprised. “Because it is you. He chose you to be head of the family before he die. You take everything from me, Draco, reputation, family, and all of this cruddy stuff. Now you dare to break one of the most important rules of all; never marry to a human!!!” said Drace as he laughed evilly. “You……I will avenge you! Elizabeth ran away from here as far as you could."

“But Draco……” said Elizabeth. “Don’t worry, dear I will be fine. Now go!” said Draco and then suddenly he charge attack at Drace. Elizabeth ran, and escaped from the battle as she looked back as the two brother fight in mortal combat. “I can’t believe after this long time, you try to take over the family” said Draco as he gives him a punch at Drace. He blocked his brother’s fist. “Now, Draco you forgot that I am stronger than you, foolish brother” said Drace as he grab him on his neck, and squeezed him tight. Draco choked, and tried to get Drace’s hand off his neck, but slowly, and sadly he died of breathing less oxygen. Drace disappeared in a flash. Meanwhile, Elizabeth stopped to take her breath, and the baby cries. “Oh their sweet one, we will be just fine” said Elizabeth to baby Drake. She sang a lullaby to her baby, and she calmed the baby little bit. Suddenly, Drace reappeared behind her. She screamed in horror, and the baby cries again. “Now it is your turn to meet your end, but I am little bit famish, maybe I shall suck your blood!” said Drace evilly. “No, go away!” screamed Elizabeth loudly. Drace gets closer, and closer as she gets further, and further. Drace open his mouth, showing sharp fangs, ready to suck the victim’s bloods. Suddenly, Drace was pushed aside by a mysterious man in black coat. “What the?! How dare you to ruin my moment, and who the hell are you?” exclaimed Drace angrily. “I am Anubis. You can say I am a hero of time.” Then they disappeared in a flash of light, and Drace shed his face with his cape from the bright flash. When he sees, there is nobody, but himself.

“They escaped! Nooooooooooo!” screamed Drace loudly. Then, from far off distance, one angry mob saw Drace standing there as he screamed in agony, and he shoot an arrow at him, strikes into Drace’s heart, and he fell and died.
Meanwhile, Anubis, Elizabeth, and her son reappeared at a strange place that she had never been to before. She sees building, and street light illuminated the dark streets with light. “Where are we?” asked Elizabeth. “We are at future, my dear” replied Anubis. “The future?” questioned Elizabeth. Then she looked around, and saw a huge mansion. It is starting to rain, and she is thinking something. Anubis looked at her, and he knows what she will do. They went to the mansion door. “Is this good for you?” asked Anubis. “Yes, if I want my baby to live happily forever, this is what I must do” replied Elizabeth as tears pour from her eyes while the baby is sleeping peacefully. “Anyway I did not have your name” said Elizabeth. “My name is Anubis” he replied. “Thank you for everything Anubis.” She left her baby, Drake, at the door front, and rang the doorbell. Then she left immediately. Anubis disappeared into darkness, and then the door opened. A man looked around that if anyone rang the doorbell, until he saw the baby on the door front. “My, what a pity. It is a baby” He saw a name “Drake” on the blanket. “Now, Drake we should get back into the house shall we” said the man as the baby chuckled at him.

 

[Evello]

Good length, and an interesting story, but there were many problems that I spotted.

First of all, it irks me to no end that you wrote the entire first paragraph in the present tense and the rest of the prologue in past tense. I don't know if it is grammatically "correct" to do so (I don't think it is), but I would suggest changing it just to sound more, for lack of a better word, cohesive.

Second, quite often you mess up tenses mid-paragraph. It makes it very difficult to read when tenses are changed mid-sentence (as opposed to between paragraphs like above, which is just irksome). Here's one example, but I could cite many, many more.

Then, from far off distance, one angry mob saw Drace standing there as he screamed in agony, and he 1shoot an arrow at him, strikes2 into Drace’s heart, and he fell and died.

1. Shot
2. It should be struck into Draco's heart.

And on the topic of that quote, I would like to get to my last criticism. You quite often leave off the suffixes on words and use run-on sentences. You also use too many pronouns (he, she, it), which can cause confusion. For example, in this quote, I cannot for the life of me tell who the red 'he' is talking about. Is it the mobster or Drace?

The above quote should be, with proper tense, sentence structure, and pronoun use: Then, from far off in the distance, one member of the mob saw Drace standing and screaming in agony. The man shot an arrow at Drace, striking Drace's heart and felling the vampire.

 

[Khfan01]

Good length, and an interesting story, but there were many problems that I spotted.

First of all, it irks me to no end that you wrote the entire first paragraph in the present tense and the rest of the prologue in past tense. I don't know if it is grammatically "correct" to do so (I don't think it is), but I would suggest changing it just to sound more, for lack of a better word, cohesive.

Second, quite often you mess up tenses mid-paragraph. It makes it very difficult to read when tenses are changed mid-sentence (as opposed to between paragraphs like above, which is just irksome). Here's one example, but I could cite many, many more.

1. Shot
2. It should be struck into Draco's heart.

And on the topic of that quote, I would like to get to my last criticism. You quite often leave off the suffixes on words and use run-on sentences. You also use too many pronouns (he, she, it), which can cause confusion. For example, in this quote, I cannot for the life of me tell who the red 'he' is talking about. Is it the mobster or Drace?

The above quote should be, with proper tense, sentence structure, and pronoun use: Then, from far off in the distance, one member of the mob saw Drace standing and screaming in agony. The man shot an arrow at Drace, striking Drace's heart and felling the vampire.

Yes I do have quite problem with sticking with the right tense. I am not good on sticking with the tense through the whole paragraph, either if it is about the past or present, which I really want to say the present.

 

[Khfan01]

Chapter 1 ​

Birth of Darkcula Part 1​

At Harrisburg, Pennsylvania the air of autumn has finally come again. The people are waking up in the morning, to get ready for school and work. At the top of the hill, there is a huge mansion where our young lad lives, who will soon, and begins his great adventure of his life. A butler who serves the master of our story is named Albert. He takes care of the master, and he took cared of him since he was a little baby. Albert is just getting ready for breakfast for his master. At upstairs, on 2nd floor, the Master is still sleeping his bed until the sunlight illuminates across from the window to his face. His eyes open, and he wakes up.

The Master’s name is Drake Dramfires. He’s 15 years old, and he is going to be sophomore this year. He doesn’t have many friends, beside his loyal, kind butler, but soon he will make many when his adventure will begins shortly. Drake gets up from bed and yawn. Albert knocks the door. “Come in,” said Drake. Albert enters his room and said, “Good morning, Master Drake. It is lovely day and it’s your first day of school. You better be prepare or else you will be late, master.” Drake said, “I don’t want to go to school. I’m just too smart for that school.” Drake went back to sleep until Butler come closer. “Now, master you do need your high school diploma in order to go to college. Well, actually everyone needs the diploma to do anything good in living,” conceded Albert. Drake just takes his advice, changes his clothes, and then went down stair to kitchen to eats his breakfast. While he eats, he’s reading the today’s newspaper, and he found something interesting. “Seems like somewhere from Germany that they discovered an ancient coffin, and they’re bringing it to New York City,” said Drake. “I see, well that’s sound interesting, but it is time to go to school. I will get ready for the car, sir,” said Albert as he went to the garage. Drake finish sipping his tea, gets his bag, and went outside until Albert drives the car aka limousine, opens the door for Drake, went inside the vehicle, and drives away. A mysterious man in a black cloth is looking at them while they drove to school.

At Harrisburg High School, many students, new and old are going inside to school, so they can get to their class. Albert just made in time, and Drake went out of the car. “Should I pick you up after school, Master?” asked Albert. Then, Drake said, “No thank you, I will walk.” Drake waves goodbye to Albert while he drives away, and then he went inside the school. He went to his new locker, put some notebooks he don’t need now, and then 3 kids came toward to him. Drake looks and he isn’t surprise who they were. “Why, hello Drake. It is been long time no see. So had a great summer,” said one of the boys, named Jeff. Jeff and his friends, Jack and Buck, is the bully trio in the whole school. They always bully Drake, but Drake always win, and mostly important smarter than them. “Hmm, what do you want anyway?” asked Drake, sounding like he don’t care. “Hah, I don’t like that altitude of yours. Anyway, give us your lunch money,” bullied Jeff. “Yeah,” said Buck. “Indeed,” said Jack. Then, Drake said, “Hm. I told you before, I don’t have any money. Now would you excuse me, I got to go to class now.” Drake walks away from the trio. “Ahhh, it didn’t work this time, boss,” said Buck. “Don’t worry, Buck, my big fellow. I got a plan for him,” replied Jeff. “Hey! What are you students are doing in the hallway?!” said the Hall Monitor. “Oh,” said the trio.

Drake is always taunted by the bully trio, Jeff, Buck, and Jack ever since they know each other. Did I forget to mention that Drake is actually is the most popular student in the whole school? All girl students, and even teachers are favored on him, but he doesn’t really cares or worried that much. He just doesn’t want to be “interfering” with other people if you know what I mean. If you don’t know, then he just doesn’t like to be close to other people. Anyway, after classes, lunch period begins. At Harrisburg High, cafeteria is a meeting place where students and teachers eat and meet together. Drake always sits alone at a table, with no one else to sit with. He eats all his food on his plate, and then he reads his book. During lunch, all girls were talking about Drake and try to dare to sit with him, but anybody isn’t brave enough to sit with him. “Oh, man he’s so cute. I just can’t sit with him,” said one girl. “Yeah, I know right. Hey I think I know who should sit next to him,” said another girl. “Who?” asked the third girl. Then, they look around, and find one girl who might brave enough to sit with Drake. She has a blond hair, and wears a star-shaped pendant around her neck. Her name is Linda. The girls went up to her and said, “Hey Linda, could you do us a favor?” ‘What is it about?” asked Linda. “Well you see…,” one of the girls whispering in Linda’s left ear. “Okay, I’ll try,” said Linda. Linda walks to where Drake is sitting. Linda feels little bit nervous since this is the first time she ever talks with Drake. She does know that all girls have crushes on him, but not her. She just wonders why he’s so lonely. Then, she said, “Ah excuse me, Drake?” Drake looks up, and glances at her. “If it is okay, would I could sit here please?” asked Linda. Drake said, “Hm. Whatever.” Linda relieves herself, and sits down on the bench of the table. “So ah, Drake, my name is Linda. I’m one of your classmates. Nice to meet you,” said Linda nervously, but greatly. Then Drake said, “I see.” “So Drake, I just wonder if….I means….do….you want to be friend?” asked Linda. Drake looks at her, and thinks for a few seconds. He replies back, “No thank you. I’m fine.” The bell rings, and Drake went to his next class. “Oh, maybe I shouldn’t force him,” proclaimed Linda.

The school day is finally over. The bell rings, and army of students get out of classes, and rushes to their school buses. Beside that, Drake walks home alone today. Linda sees him walking home, alone, and felt sorry for him. The winds blow, and leaves are falling from the trees as Drake walks to home. The citizens were happy, and busy on their own business while Drake observes them, seeing them smile, and being happy. “Hm,” said Drake. He continues until a trash cans roll down and heads toward him. Drake dodges it at fast speed. “Wow, that was quick,” said a voice from a bush. “I know you are there, you idiots,” said Drake. Soon, the bully trio shows themselves from the bushes they were hiding in. “Well, well. We meet again,” said Jeff. “So what do you guys want this time,” said Drake calmly. “We’re here to pay you back at us. You made us have lunch detention just getting late in our class,” said Buck angrily. “Shut up, Buck,” commanded Jeff. “Sorry,” replied Buck. The trio charges at Drake, but suddenly the time stops. The trio is in frozen state, and the birds stop flying, but still in mid air. Drake looks around confused. “What‘s going on?” asked Drake surprised. Then out from the darkness, a mysterious man in a black cloth appears behind from Drake. Drake notices him, and gasps. “Who are you?!” yelled Drake. The man said, “Don’t worry. I just want to see you. Come with me.” The man walks away, and then Drake thinks for a sec, but follows him. After 10 seconds, the time starts, and birds continue flying. The bully trio all bumps into each other. “Hey where did he go?!” yelled Jeff.