Fanfiction ► Forgotten Times

[Riku X]

okay, this story is the story of brothers who all can use the keyblade and there is a mysterious man in town that leon finds suspicious. the boys are being trained and so that is why they needed leon.



Chapter 1

It was a cool morning in hollow bastion when the three brothers, Carn, the oldest boy, Ace the middle child, and King, the youngest kid, left the castle. "So what are we supposed to be doing now?", asked king. "We are supposed to be looking for Leon, he's gonna help us train today.", said Ace. When the three finally found Leon, he was sneaking down a set of stairs and he stopped when he saw them. He motioned for them to come over quietly and so they did. Carn noticed that there was a man walking down a path wearing a red coat and blue pants. They followed him for quite a long time before they finally decided to sneak up and grab him. The four charged forward, but they were suddenly stopped. The man started running and whatever was blocking them dissapeared, so they charged after him. When he finally stopped it seemed as time itself stood stil for a moment. He finally turned around to revel his face. When they looked at the man they noticed it was.....


end of chapter 1
be expecting chapter 2 in the near future.

 

[Riku X]

post comments and suggestions if you want

 

[giuocob]

Grammar.



That's my only comment. Fix it and I'll give more.

 

[Haku]

Yeah I agree with Giuocob grammar issues are the main problem and it was so hard to determine what was going on. Always make sure that you proofread and make the chapters alot longer to give full discriptions and details.

 

[Riku X]

k thx guys, this is gonna help, read the next chapters and ill make fixes to this one now

 

[Nelo Angelo]

okay not a bad start. obvioulsy itd be great with longer chapters. this is good. keep goin my friend.

 

[Riku X]

thx for the tips...chapter 2 and mabye three will be up tommorow

 

[Riku X]

Chapter 2

this chapter will be bigger as you suggested so keep reading.

The man was unknown by everyone but leon. He was the man that made leon change his name because he was the one that destroyed his world. This man was only known by one name, Tikero the Dark. Leon charged, and so the boys followed, Tikero pulled out his sword of pure darkness and parried all the attacks, including the boys keyblades. then he started fighting back. "WHY ARE YOU HERE!", screamed leon as he parried one of the attacks. "I am here to finish what i started. to kill you and all your friends, of course.", he said calmly. they kept throwing shots back and fourth, until Carn came up with a plan. the three others charged again at Tikero while Carn stayed back, as they were trading blows he launched in the air, spun around behind him and slashed him straight across the back. Leon dropped his sword lower to kill him when Carn told him to stop and said, "lets take him to the castle and let the master deal with him. Then he can be punished and then he will be sent away to the castles dungeon for many years. They got him back to the castle quickly. The master was king mickey, although he was a fair king, he said to Tikero, " you have two choices, go to jail or go to jail. whats it gonna be?"

 

[Smarties-kun]

You seriously need to work on your description. Although people who have played Kingdom Hearts will most likely have a general idea of how Hollow Bastion and Leon look, your story will look bare and badly planned out without any description of your characters and their surroundings. And please, at least describe the characters whose appearance, age or clothing we have no idea of; when writing a story, even if you can picture everything perfectly from your writing, you have to make sure the reader can get that same image into their head. For all I know, Ace could have long, pink hair reaching down to the ground and King could be running around naked with a party hat on his head.

Your story also clashes with the original story in Kingdom Hearts. Wasn't Maleficient and her Heartless the ones who destroyed Hollow Bastion? (Which is, and was, Leon's home, in case that's unclear to you)

Also, you need to slow down. I have absolutely no idea what's going on. Take time to build up the story, start the fanfiction with a chapter that describes the main character(s) in detail and gives you a general idea of the settings, then start with the story. (although the first chapter can lead to the start of the story) You should also take your time to describe how the characters feel. All these things are important for readers to know.

Another important thing I'd like to know is when the story takes place. It's not hard to indirectly refer to something that makes the reader aware of the amount of time that has passed since, for example, the end of Kingdom Hearts II. A bit of background information about the main characters would be nice as well. Like how they got their hands on keyblades and how the three boys have ended up together; are they brothers, more distant relatives or just friends?

Overall, your fanfiction seems really rushed. I suggest you either rewrite the fanfic and make lengthy chapters (At least 4 paragraphs is usually needed for a chapter to be enjoyable, and that's a bare minimum. Prologues can be shorter, but it's usually not recommended.) with plenty of description and make sure the readers really understand how you've pictured everything.