I Smile

[Auron0521]

I Writhe
At the Ends of Despair
Collapsed and Broken
I can Go no further,
Can Muster no Strength.

I Drown
In the Pits of Melancholy,
Walls as High
As the Eye can See,
No Escape in Sight.

I Crawl
Through the Tunnels of Sadness,
Tears Pouring from my Eyes
As I make my Way forward
Inch by Inch, my Hands Torn.

I Faint
In an Endless Field of Death,
Withered Plants to my Left and Right,
Nowhere to Turn,
No One to Comfort me.

I Give
I can take No More,
My Limits are Tested,
My Eyes Weary,
I must Rest for now.

I Wake
To the Brightness of Light
A Compassionate Sun.
Oh, how I have Longed!
For that Beautiful View.

I Realize
Now is not the Time
To Give in
For if I see the Light Now,
Surely I can Again.

I Stand
The Light Fades
The Withered Field Returns
I Muster my Courage
To Find my way Home.

I Stride
And as I do
The Field Disappears
Just as the Light,
Replaced by more Pleasant Scenery.

I Smile
There is my Home
My Family Waiting
Arms Opened Wide
And in that Moment

I Die

 

[Reflection]

i'm still vaguely annoyed by your capitalization habits :v

there is sort of a semblence of a narrative here, which is good, to have a beginning/middle/end. but still its very detached and it needs more context. your speaker needs to be more memorable, more human, to have his death at the end be a cathartic moment.

but I liked your word choice in a few things. like the "compassionate sun," is good. anthropomorphism like that is an important technique to use in descriptive poetry.

it just bothers me that
your format
has to be
like this
for you to
use as a crutch
you know?

don't be afraid to follow through each thought to the end on each line, and only break if its rhythmically or thematically necessary.

 

[Auron0521]

I'm kind of annoyed with the capitalization on this one, as well. People have told me that I could work it to my advantage if done right, so I'm trying slightly different techniques every time I write a poem.

As for the narrative, it may be an incomplete poem. I really like this one, and may add in more beef someday, because I do like my characters to have depth. Usually my poems are thrown together while I'm bored, though (since I'm mostly a prose writer) and my characters suffer because of that.

The reason I broke it up into lines like that was because I wanted 5 lines in each stanza. Obviously the first one was an "I do" kind of thing, but then I had four more lines to fill in. When I realized some of them were getting a bit lengthy, I, erm... forced it into smaller lines. I'll be sure to work on that in the future.