I didn't feel like bringing this up, but I finally feel like letting this out.
If you actually take the time to read this all, as I spill myself...I deeply applaud you.
For those who don't know, I am in 8th grade right now. But lately things have made me almost hate going to school and blame myself for what other people do. Firstly, in sixth and (half of) seventh grade, I was that cute kid that everyone liked and had a crush on. I don't know exactly what happened, but by now, I have a small group of friends and that is it. I don't think I changed at ALL...people say I did, but I know I didn't. Basically, I get harassed daily because Im skater, not "cool", and I am actually really smart. To the point where I almost pretend to be stupid to fit in with people. I am in mostly honors classes, but I didn't make honors science and I am almost afraid to answer questions without people laughing and saying "Wow...what a nerd".
Secondly, a huge issue. People think I am gay. Not just cliche metrosexual gay (Which I am definitely not xD) people actually think I like men. Which I do not...at all. People honestly think I am going to come out of the closet, and I used to laugh about it and deny it but it has honestly become a huge problem. I know Fl would die of laughter with this, but people really do think it, and I don't act gay at all. That isn't a persuading lie, I mean it. D:
It may be because I haven't had a girlfriend in a long time, which leads to another problem...
Lack of confidence. There is a girl I have had a huge crush on this year, and I can clearly tell she is different. She talks to me, doesn't care that I'm not popular, and I can clearly tell she isn't shallow and would consider me a friend. But...she is indeed flirty, and I can't tell if she likes me or if she doesn't. It's not one of those longshot no hope things, I honestly have no idea if she DOES or DOESN'T like me back. I can't look her in the eyes, I talk really quietly, and I can't think of anything to say. In the middle of history, she would just turn around and look at me and I would feel all awkward and move around and not look her in the eyes. I want to ask her to the formal but have no idea how...it is in two months. On top of that, I find trouble making friends with girls now. I just can't open my mouth and say "hey" to a girl in the hallway that I've talked to only once before and would like to continue talking to.
All the preps and "ghetto" people in my school hate me. They harass me, call me ugly, stupid, and every girl I have dated they say "Damn, what was she thinking?" I do nothing to deserve it, and I can't stand up for myself. Certain girls that I can't STAND I will talk back to them...like this one girl that looks like a dude, I will just be like, "Shut the f*ck up, start wearing womans clothes". But most of them I can't say anything. I can't like HIT them, so I just can't defend myself. With guys, I CAN hit them, but they are clearly bigger and stronger and I just take their shit.
And another issue....my own friends. I am always the center of the jokes, and when I tell them to SERIOUSLY stop and prove that I am not kidding around, they just laugh more and do it more. I don't do that to them so it isn't a taste of my own medicine...and when they make fun of me and scream stuff about me to other people, I can't deny it. I mean like, I know it isn't true, but I don't know the words to say to make myself not look like a faggot. If I say "LOL SHUT UP NOO I DONNTTTT" I look like a queer. So I don't know what to say to deny it...I just punch them in the arm, or something.
And another...my "Best" friend. I've known him since first grade...and he is just so uptight. It may be the way he was raised, but he is horrifically mean. I see him harass other people, with disabilites, mental and physical, and I laugh...hey, it isn't me doing it, I don't feel bad. But he makes fun of everyone, even his friends. I almost never tell him jokes because he will always stare blankly at me and say it isn't funny. He hates me for taking things so seriously, but he gets FIVE TIMES as mad. He punches me in the chin, I shove him to the ground jokingly, he freaks out, goes DBZ on me, and screams that I overreact too much. He and my friends beat the crap out of me on the bus and I say, "Aha...no..guys...seriously......stop..." and he mocks me and imitates me saying I'm a pansy. The second he sees I am mad at him he says I hold grudges too much, and starts acting nice to me. I eventually say, whatever, and forgive him. 7 years of that now. I don't literally have enough friends to just pull out a new best friend.
Sometimes, you don't realize how real the steriotypical, cliche bullying and unacceptance is until you are on the receiving end of it. I went up to a kid that I used to bully in sixth grade and just apologized to him. He was confused, but I didn't care. I get it now.
Lastly, one of my friends. I went out with a girl named Danielle, I may have told some of you. Break up, back together, love, hate, break up, back together, for 2 years. Eventually, I slapped myself in the face and faced reality...she was a deceitful whore and wasn't good enough for me. She lied and I could not trust her. She ended up moving when I still had mixed feelings. In the begining of this year she said all the times we were fighting she still loved me. I literally had a breakdown trying to convince myself it was another lie, and this was confirmed when I said I would "think about it" and she went out with one of her ex boyfriends the next day and still is going out with him. The mental anguish from finding the only person who still cared for me in that way backing down and hurting me even more was horrible. Now, Danielle has a friend named Victoria. I met her through Danielle, and we have been good friends since. She always acted kinda weird around me like I said about the girl I currently like, and last month her friend told me, "Hey, do you like Vicky? You seem like you do..."
I obviously am not stupid, and I don't act like I like her, so I got the point that she was asking her if I liked her because she liked me. She confirmed this. So now, I know the situation Victoria is in, and she isn't the type of person I really want to go out with at the moment. Should I just pretend I don't know? or let her down know and effect our friendship?
Anyone that can help me with...ANY of that...thank you.
Please be serious in this topic. I was considering to totally forget about posting this, but I did.
If you actually take the time to read this all, as I spill myself...I deeply applaud you.
For those who don't know, I am in 8th grade right now. But lately things have made me almost hate going to school and blame myself for what other people do. Firstly, in sixth and (half of) seventh grade, I was that cute kid that everyone liked and had a crush on. I don't know exactly what happened, but by now, I have a small group of friends and that is it. I don't think I changed at ALL...people say I did, but I know I didn't. Basically, I get harassed daily because Im skater, not "cool", and I am actually really smart. To the point where I almost pretend to be stupid to fit in with people. I am in mostly honors classes, but I didn't make honors science and I am almost afraid to answer questions without people laughing and saying "Wow...what a nerd".
Secondly, a huge issue. People think I am gay. Not just cliche metrosexual gay (Which I am definitely not xD) people actually think I like men. Which I do not...at all. People honestly think I am going to come out of the closet, and I used to laugh about it and deny it but it has honestly become a huge problem. I know Fl would die of laughter with this, but people really do think it, and I don't act gay at all. That isn't a persuading lie, I mean it. D:
It may be because I haven't had a girlfriend in a long time, which leads to another problem...
Lack of confidence. There is a girl I have had a huge crush on this year, and I can clearly tell she is different. She talks to me, doesn't care that I'm not popular, and I can clearly tell she isn't shallow and would consider me a friend. But...she is indeed flirty, and I can't tell if she likes me or if she doesn't. It's not one of those longshot no hope things, I honestly have no idea if she DOES or DOESN'T like me back. I can't look her in the eyes, I talk really quietly, and I can't think of anything to say. In the middle of history, she would just turn around and look at me and I would feel all awkward and move around and not look her in the eyes. I want to ask her to the formal but have no idea how...it is in two months. On top of that, I find trouble making friends with girls now. I just can't open my mouth and say "hey" to a girl in the hallway that I've talked to only once before and would like to continue talking to.
All the preps and "ghetto" people in my school hate me. They harass me, call me ugly, stupid, and every girl I have dated they say "Damn, what was she thinking?" I do nothing to deserve it, and I can't stand up for myself. Certain girls that I can't STAND I will talk back to them...like this one girl that looks like a dude, I will just be like, "Shut the f*ck up, start wearing womans clothes". But most of them I can't say anything. I can't like HIT them, so I just can't defend myself. With guys, I CAN hit them, but they are clearly bigger and stronger and I just take their shit.
And another issue....my own friends. I am always the center of the jokes, and when I tell them to SERIOUSLY stop and prove that I am not kidding around, they just laugh more and do it more. I don't do that to them so it isn't a taste of my own medicine...and when they make fun of me and scream stuff about me to other people, I can't deny it. I mean like, I know it isn't true, but I don't know the words to say to make myself not look like a faggot. If I say "LOL SHUT UP NOO I DONNTTTT" I look like a queer. So I don't know what to say to deny it...I just punch them in the arm, or something.
And another...my "Best" friend. I've known him since first grade...and he is just so uptight. It may be the way he was raised, but he is horrifically mean. I see him harass other people, with disabilites, mental and physical, and I laugh...hey, it isn't me doing it, I don't feel bad. But he makes fun of everyone, even his friends. I almost never tell him jokes because he will always stare blankly at me and say it isn't funny. He hates me for taking things so seriously, but he gets FIVE TIMES as mad. He punches me in the chin, I shove him to the ground jokingly, he freaks out, goes DBZ on me, and screams that I overreact too much. He and my friends beat the crap out of me on the bus and I say, "Aha...no..guys...seriously......stop..." and he mocks me and imitates me saying I'm a pansy. The second he sees I am mad at him he says I hold grudges too much, and starts acting nice to me. I eventually say, whatever, and forgive him. 7 years of that now. I don't literally have enough friends to just pull out a new best friend.
Sometimes, you don't realize how real the steriotypical, cliche bullying and unacceptance is until you are on the receiving end of it. I went up to a kid that I used to bully in sixth grade and just apologized to him. He was confused, but I didn't care. I get it now.
Lastly, one of my friends. I went out with a girl named Danielle, I may have told some of you. Break up, back together, love, hate, break up, back together, for 2 years. Eventually, I slapped myself in the face and faced reality...she was a deceitful whore and wasn't good enough for me. She lied and I could not trust her. She ended up moving when I still had mixed feelings. In the begining of this year she said all the times we were fighting she still loved me. I literally had a breakdown trying to convince myself it was another lie, and this was confirmed when I said I would "think about it" and she went out with one of her ex boyfriends the next day and still is going out with him. The mental anguish from finding the only person who still cared for me in that way backing down and hurting me even more was horrible. Now, Danielle has a friend named Victoria. I met her through Danielle, and we have been good friends since. She always acted kinda weird around me like I said about the girl I currently like, and last month her friend told me, "Hey, do you like Vicky? You seem like you do..."
I obviously am not stupid, and I don't act like I like her, so I got the point that she was asking her if I liked her because she liked me. She confirmed this. So now, I know the situation Victoria is in, and she isn't the type of person I really want to go out with at the moment. Should I just pretend I don't know? or let her down know and effect our friendship?
Anyone that can help me with...ANY of that...thank you.
Please be serious in this topic. I was considering to totally forget about posting this, but I did.