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The Last promise: Part one-



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Gage-Kayumi

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I looked at Ashlee, who was in Gabriel’s arms. She had her head on his chest and he cradled her with his head resting on hers. I looked away in sadness. My hair covering my eyes and tears came streaming down my cheeks. I just sniffled and walked to the back of the class room, because I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. As I turned on the sink to wash my arm, images flashed vastly in my mind like a broken record. The screaming and crying, the blood and groaning, today turned into a real nightmare. It all happened so fast.



The water came out ice cold gradually turning warm. I rinsed my arm off. Cole’s blood ran down the drain. My eyes fallowed it as it did. I Heard footsteps behind me, which were followed by Ashlee’s voice.


“Zach it’s not your fault. There were so many there was nothing you could’ve done.” She insisted.


Even though she spoke the truth, I still blamed myself for Cole’s death. I tried my best to save him but there was too many of those things. They were bloody, with ripped up flesh and clothing. They smelt like deceased rotten animals.


“Blake told me to watch over him and to keep him safe…my best just wasn’t good enough.” I said with grief.


Tears were still running of my cheeks and dripping of my chin. The room was silent and filled with sorrow. The silence was broken when Tom spoke up.


“What happens now? We just gunna starve waiting it out?” He asked filled with questions like the rest of us.


I turned around to look at him. He was sitting on the floor with Desiree. Gabe was on the floor still, trying to get a hold of his parents; Vincent was leaning against the wall with his back against it. Ashlee and I stood in the back.


“I don’t know. Hey Gabe, can I barrow your phone?” I asked him, wiping my tears away.


“Yeah, sure.” He said getting up and starting to walk over to me.


“Okay thanks.” I said sincere and meeting him half way. I grabbed the phone and started to dial a number. It rang a couple times and finally he answered.


“Hello?” Blake whispered.


“Blake? It’s such a relief to hear your voice. You okay? Where are you?” I questioned, relieved and somewhat happy, even under the conditions.


“I'm okay, and I’m in room 434, what about you?” He replied.


“I'm fine. A little beet up, but I’m fine. I'm in room 109. Are you alo- -“I started.


Before I could reply I was interrupted by him screaming.


“Oh My God! Ahh!” His voice sounded terrified. In the background I could hear groaning until the signal was lost.


“Blake?! Blake?!!” I screamed, crying hysterically. I dropped to my knees and started to bang my head and hands on the ground.


Everyone looked at me in shock at what had just happened. Ashlee was the only one to act fast. She kneeled down onto one knee and wrapped her arms around me. Many things were running through my mind. Would Blake be okay? What happened? Would I ever get to see him again? God, all these questions tore me up on the inside, but only one answer revealed. I stood up being released from Ashlee's arms.

“I'm going to Blake and you can’t stop me.” I announced to everyone walking over to get the long shovel.


“You can’t! Zach I won’t let you!!” Ashlee screamed scared out of her wits, her eyes wide and teary.


“Yes I can and I will, don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. He is just a couple room’s over.” I lied straight to her face to insure that it wasn’t as dangerous as she thought. Even though it was on the other side of the school.


“I’ll go with you, to ensure Ashlee that you’ll be safe, well safer than if you went alone.” Vincent offered his voice strong and bold.


“Yeah I’ll take Vincent with me. He’ll keep me safe. Right Vincent?” I asked.


“Mhm.” Vincent said with a smirk on his face.


“We’ll only if he promises. Pinky promise.” She replied with a content but slight worried look on her face. She lowered her hands from her out burst from the conflict.


“I Promise.” He said leaning straight forward and taking a couple steps towards Ashlee to pinky promise her and seal the deal.


Vincent did as she said and he picked up the metal pipe that was covered in those things blood. I hugged everyone good bye, in hopes this wouldn’t be my last good bye. Ashlee had tears streaming down her cheeks. She was like my sister, and I was like her brother. She didn’t want to lose me. Her actions were understandable; I would do exactly the same if she was in my position.


“I love you ashuular.” I said in a brotherly way.


“I love you to, Zac-Hairy lewis.” She said, which was my nick name that only she called me.


We hugged, then me and Vincent left out the door. Outside it was foggy and freezing cold. The smell of blood and dead corpse was in the air, also in the distance I could hear the loud groaning and screaming’s of predators and their prey. We ran quickly down the outdoor halls. The sound of our footsteps hitting the pavement echoed against the lockers which were splattered in blood. Bodies were all over the ground. It was hard to keep in my tears and the urges to gag.


“What room is he in?” Vincent asked.


“Well you see, I lied. He isn’t just a couple of room’s down. He is in room 434.” I explained.


“Ahh, you only said that so Ashlee wouldn’t worry as much. Well there’s no going back now.” He said not the slight worried.


While running almost sprinting, one of the bodies caught my eye. It was Cassie. I looked into her eye’s that were shot wide open in shock and pain. I could feel her fear, the agony pain and her cries for help, and even though she was dead, I could hear her shouting of the impact of those things viscously feeding on her. She was covered in blood and laying in a puddle of tear's and rotten bits of flesh intwined.. I couldn’t help but to shut her eyes.


“Come Zach, we have to go.” Vincent insisted.


“Yeah…” I replied turning my head away and looking at him. I Stood back up and started to run at a job like pace next to Vincent.





All of a sudden two of those things were sprinting towards us. One was a cheerleader from our school from the looks of it. She was the average fifteen year old besides the chunks of missing leg and the missing arm, along with her mouth which was foaming. The other carnivore was a foot-ballplayer. He was African American with white pupils and was also foaming at the mouth. He was dressed in our opposing team’s colors; it wasn’t cut up as bad as like the cheerleader, still as deadly.


“Shit! We got a couple chasing us!” I screamed scared.


“Just keep running!” Vincent replied now sprinting just a bit faster than the vicious man eaters.


We were barley ahead of them, but when we came to the stairs I tried taking the faster way and jumping of the five stairs. Landing on my ankle wrong, I fell. The shovel flew out of my hand and grinded against the ground. Those things finally caught up and the cheerleader leaped off the top of the stars resulting in her right on top of me. She groaned loud, and then tried to chomp and claw at my face. I forced her back by grabbing her only wrist and shoving it towards herself. While I was trying to protect myself, Vincent was battling the Footballer. He wacked its head, crushing its skull instantly. Blood spattered onto the pavement some of it landing on my shirt and forearms.
I finally was able to shove her off me and I reached for the shovel. Vincent was still throwing blows at the other thing, but by now it was missing both arms and was gushing out blood, while little defenseless me was having trouble with this one. I stood up limped on one side; put both hands on the shovel and raised my hands. It Gurgled and tried leaping at me again, but before it could reach me I swung the shovel, dicing her face in half. Her limp body just fell on to the ground. Vincent finally finished his opponent by waking its leg, making it fall to the ground then stabbing the pole through its lopsided head. I and he were both panting.


“Let's keep moving, we don’t want any others to catch on.” He suggested which was smart.

“Well I can’t run, I think I sprained my ankle. I landed on it wrong when I tried jumping of the stairs.” I replied.

Soon enough we heard more Groaning from afar, but not that far..
 
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Almagest

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I looked away in sadness. My hair covered my eyes. Tears came streaming down my cheeks.

This is really choppy. Try combining sentences and adding some detail.

I have to go to him. I was still in shock from what just happened. About ten minutes later things had calmed down a bit. I stood up being released from Ashlee’s arms.

The last two sentences are awkwardly phrased, and the whole things seems slightly unrealistic. Your main characters seems almost robotic.

Cassie’s body was clawed up and was covered in blood. Not only was she covered in blood she was laying in a puddle of blood and shredded skin.

Too many passive verbs. Don't get me wrong, passive verbs are useful, but mix in some active verbs to break things up. And you really don't need to mention that Cassie is covered in blood in the second sentence. We already know. I would try combining these two sentences.

There were other things that needed corrections, but I thought these were the most important.

I know that this comment may come across as harsh, but I'm giving you criticism in order to help you improve.
 

Gage-Kayumi

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I thnak you, i tend to make to short of sentences; so they tend to come out choppy D:
i'll fix it, haha thanks again
i needed it ^-^
 

Gage-Kayumi

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This is really choppy. Try combining sentences and adding some detail.



The last two sentences are awkwardly phrased, and the whole things seems slightly unrealistic. Your main characters seems almost robotic.



Too many passive verbs. Don't get me wrong, passive verbs are useful, but mix in some active verbs to break things up. And you really don't need to mention that Cassie is covered in blood in the second sentence. We already know. I would try combining these two sentences.

There were other things that needed corrections, but I thought these were the most important.

I know that this comment may come across as harsh, but I'm giving you criticism in order to help you improve.
"She was covered in blood and laying in a puddle of tear's and rotten bits of flesh intwined"
is that better? haha i took me awhile to think of.
 

Almagest

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"She was covered in blood and laying in a puddle of tear's and rotten bits of flesh intwined"
is that better? haha i took me awhile to think of.

Well, "laying" should be "lying". Lay means to place something. Lie means to recline (or tell an untruth =P). I assume you mean torn up flesh when you use "tear's" but the apostrophe indicates possession, something you shouldn't have. I like the "rotten bits of flesh intwined", although it should be spelled "entwined".

Here's more along the lines of what I was thinking: Cassie rested in a pool of blood, her body mutilated and bathed in crimson as ragged ribbons of rotten flesh lay draped over her corpse like a dreadful funeral pall.

But that's just how I would write it. Use your own style =)
 

Reverie

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Quite an interesting read. It's nice that Almagest is giving some critique, and you're improving on your writing. I just have a little advice: I think it's best to remove the (UPDATE) you added, because it can get mind-boggling when reading. It's nice letting your readers know that you updated, but I think it's best to add to the top. :]
 
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