Fanfiction ► The Wizards Malarky

[Every Heart]

From The Daily Prophet, quoted by Minister of Magic Cornileus Fudge-

"A Harry Potter fanfic that has no plot and is completely and utterly random that is only made to give people a cheap laugh or two. A complete and utter waste of time."

Quote by Xenofilius Lovegood, or whoever the hell that weirdo's name is spelled-

"A fanfic definately worth reading, after all, my dear friend Every is also a hunter of the rare Crumple Horned Snorkack and sometimes complains about having nargles nesting in her hair. You could learn a lot from her!"

Quote by Daniel Radcliffe-

"Who are you and how did you get past security?"

And now, on to the randomness! Featuring 10% more Yaxley!

Chapter One: Name Descrepancies

"Next time, I WILL defeat that dratted boy!"

He Who Must Not Be Named, in other words Voldemort, slammed his fists down on the table in front of him. Defeated yet again by his nemesis Harry Potter, he was currently holed up in his hideout somewhere in Albania, plotting a new plan to defeat "that dratted boy"

"Who?", Yaxley asked. Yaxley was actually a new Death Eater, so he didn't know much about what went on around the joint and was and will be the one to ask all the obvious questions. Merlin knew it was a miracle he wasn't dead yet from all the crucio spells that had been used upon him. Speaking of which-

"Crucio!"

Yaxley writhed on the floor in pain as Voldemort stared down at him venomously.

"Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived!"

"Yeah honestly, why do you even bother coming to these meetings if you don't even know what's going on?", asked Lucius, who was actually somewhat happy that Yaxley was always getting into trouble, since it distracted Voldemort from him.

Voldemort lifted the curse before turning back to his faithful Death Eaters.

"Now, on to discuss the new-"

"I have a question."

Voldemort turned to look at Yaxley, who had his hand up like a grade-schooler.

"Yes?", Voldemort asked, seconds away from crucio'ing Yaxley.

"Why is he called the Boy Who Lived?", Yaxley asked.

"Crucio!"

Yaxley screamed and writhed on the floor again. After about ten minutes, Voldemort lifted the curse.

"No really, if he's the Boy Who Lived, then doesn't that mean that he's dead?", Yaxley asked.

Voldemort was about to curse him again before stopping in mid-curse. "Wait...explain."

"Well, think about it. He's the Boy Who LIVED, which means he can't be living now. You can't be lived, because it implies that you have died. He has to be dead in order to be called that title. So is he a ghost or something?"

"Crucio!"

Yaxley was once again writhing on the floor as Lucius stepped forward. "Why did you crucio him again?"

"I felt like it. And his explanation makes no logical sense at all. Even Potter wouldn't be stupid enough to think that he's actually a ghost."

-Meanwhile at Hogwarts-

"Harry, calm down!"

"But Hermione, think about it," Harry shouted, waving his arms wildly. "If I'm called the Boy Who Lived, then that means that I have to be dead in order for me to have lived!"

"You're not making any sense Harry!'

"Which means that I'm actually dead or some sort of ghost! This explains everything! Why I am able to get myself out of any situation no matter what! It's because I'm already dead!"

It's believed that Harry can channel some of Voldemorts thoughts and such, so it would be safe to assume that Voldemorts thoughts about Yaxley's explanation somehow managed to leak through one day. Or maybe it was Ron that was channeling Yaxley because he had suggested the same thing.

"If I'm dead, then I can do anything!"

"Harry, now your just being crazy!", Hermione shouted exhaustedly. They had been arguing about this for several hours now.

"In fact, I can go through walls!", Harry spouted as he took a diving leap at the stone wall, only to be smacked down into a throbbing heap on the ground. He moaned loudly as Hermione rounded on Ron.

"Why did you have to say that to him Ron?"

"What, a guy can't ask a question?"

 

[Haku]

Hmm a HP spin-off, I thought that it was alright and there were a few laughs here and there.

 

[Every Heart]

Chapter Two: Totally Clueless

Harry sighed loudly. "Where in the world could Ron be?” he asked for what felt like the hundredth time. He and Hermione were waiting in the Great Hall for their best friend, Ron. Ron had gone off to ask his twin brothers if they wanted to join them for breakfast, as Harry wanted to ask them something about their upcoming O.W.L. exams for that year. They had been waiting for quite a while and breakfast was almost over.

Suddenly, Ron came out of nowhere from a nearby door and walked over to Harry and Hermione.

"What took you so long?” Harry asked.

Ron didn't say anything at first, which made Harry suspect that something was wrong.

"What's the matter? Did you find them?” Hermione asked.

"Well, I went to go find them, but it took forever. And then, I finally did find them, but..."

"But what?"

"Well...I think they were fighting.” Ron said.

Harry and Hermione turned to look at each other. Fred and George, Ron's twin brothers, never fought with each other, so this an interesting new development.

"What were they fighting about?” Harry asked.

"I'm not sure. I didn't really hear them say anything. All I heard was a bunch of moans and groans and some other noises I've never even heard before.” Ron shrugged.

Hermione suddenly grabbed Ron by the shoulder. "Take us to them right now Ron."

Harry gave her a curious look, but Hermione ignored him as they followed Ron through the door he just came out of. After a while, they found themselves somewhere in the Charms corridor, as they were now outside of Flitwick's classroom.

"Why would they be fighting in the Charms classroom?” Harry asked. Hermione shushed him as she pressed an ear to the door to hear what was going on. After a moment, she quietly opened the door as she and Harry peaked inside. It was dark, with only a few candles lit. After their eyes adjusted, they spotted something on Flitwick's desk. Wait...not something, more like someone. Two someones.

Fred and George were on top of Flitwick's desk in a very...interesting position. Soft moans of pleasure were emanating from the two. Harry and Hermione watched this display for a moment before pulling their heads out of the door and shutting the door behind them, both of them green in the face.

"I can't believe those two...right there on Flitwick's desk...” Hermione whispered to Harry.

"Do you think we should tell Flitwick?"

"Heavens no. Would you like to know that two male students made out on your desk?"

"...No."

Ron stared at the two of them. "Move, let me look.” he said as he pushed past them and opened the door. After a very long moment, he withdrew his head as well, but he didn't look as green as the other two. As he shut the door, a silly grin broke out on his face.

"You know, from the looks and sounds of it, I think Fred's winning that fight.” he said as he jabbed a thumb at the door.

Harry and Hermione simultaneously slapped themselves in the face. What did they ever do to deserve a friend as clueless as Ron?

Ron's face fell as he saw their expression.

"What? Something I said?"

 

[Every Heart]

ooc: The funny thing is, the title is spelled incorrectly, and there's actually a reason for that, which will be revealed in the very last chapter-ish thing I write for this. Anyway, I had these three done, so I figured, why not? Might as well put them all up...

.:.Be Prepared.:.

"I'm never going to finish that Potions homework.", Ron moaned. They were just leaving the Potions class after being given a huge heap of homework. Harry and Hermione sighed, knowing that this was normal. But as Harry turned the corner, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Professor Snape look around hurriedly before disappearing through a door.

What in the world was Snape up to? Being the nosy Boy Wizard that he was, Harry now had to investigate Snape's behavior instead of going to Charms class like he was supposed to. He silently prayed that his investigating would pay off, not like that time he had stood on the roof of the school with a muggle bullhorn claiming that Flitwick was a vampire in disguise just because he said, "I love the taste of blood", but Harry had run out before Flitwick could add the word "pops" to his sentence. Now everyone was pointing and laughing at the tiny wizard, now that it was revealed that Flitwick was missing the canine teeth.("Did Harry Potter knock your fangs out sir?")

Shuddering slightly, Harry turned to his friends. No way was he going to drag them down with them in case his hunch was completely wrong. (They were still angry about his allegations of Professor Umbridge being a Death Eater, which the Ministry made look like the mad ramblings of a pissed off detention doing no good ruffian, but that one later turned out to be true a few months later when they found large sums of money being donated to "Voldemort's Kill All Half-breeds Charity, Mudbloods included!", but none the less Hermione and Ron still got detention for about two weeks)

"You two go on ahead. I'll be right back."

His two friends stared at him as Harry took off in the direction Snape went, realizing that this was another one of Harry's crazy suspicions. Figuring that it was something that came with having an ugly scar on your face, they went on their merry way to Charms before they could get involved any further in this. Harry found the door Snape went through. Harry pulled his trusty Invisibility Cloak out of his bag and put it over him as he went into the room Snape disappeared into. He was surprised to find that it looked like an empty classroom. But then...

"Ok, are we ready?", came a voice.

Harry looked around and was surprised to see Malfoy and his goons and a few other Slytherins standing around the room. Harry hid in a corner near the door as he watched to see what would happen next. The lights started to dim around the room. Suddenly, a small spotlight appeared in the middle of the room, shining on Professor Snape.

"I never thought hyenas essential. They're crude and unspeakably plain. But maybe they've a glimmer of potential. If allied to my vision and brain.", Snape said as he walked among the Slytherins. Well, not said, more like...sang.

Harry watched, feeling confused from his hiding spot. What does he mean by "hyenas?" Maybe he's referring to the Slytherins...

"I know your powers of retention are as wet as a warthog's backside...", Snape continued.

Harry raised an eyebrow at this. A warthog's backside?

"But thick as you are...pay attention!", he suddenly snapped at one of the Slytherins who had been looking the other way. Snape glared at him before continuing.

"My words are a matter of pride."

Snape moved over to one of the other Slytherins, who was staring straight ahead into space. "It's clear from your vacant expressions...", he said as he waved a hand in front of the student's face as he then backed off.

"...The lights are not all on upstairs."

Harry stared over at Malfoy, who didn't look the least bit insulted by this statement, which made Harry wonder why he wasn't correcting Snape's remark.

"But we're talking kings and successions, even you can't be caught unawares...", Snape continued. The Slytherins nodded.

"So prepare for a chance of a lifetime, so prepare for sensational news!", Snape said, as he moved about them, his voice rising. "A shining new era is tiptoeing nearer..."

"And where do we feature?", Pansy Parkinson suddenly interrupted. Snape stood over, glaring at her.

"Just listen to teacher.", he answered. Pansy shut her mouth. Snape went over to a desk that was standing nearby, and stood up on it.

"I know it sounds sordid, but you'll be rewarded. When at last I am givin' my dues. And justice deliciously squared.", he continued as he raised his wand in the air above him.

"Be prepared!", he shouted as a couple Slytherins cheered. Harry felt really confused now. What in the world is going on here?

"Yeah, be prepared, ha ha...", Malfoy suddenly started laughing. "We'll be prepared...for what?"

"For the death of the king!", Snape answered him.

"Why, is he sick?", Malfoy asked. Harry wondered what they meant by king. Maybe they were talking about Dumbledore...

"No fool, we're going to kill him. And Simba too...", Snape said as he shook in disgust. Harry gasped, but luckily nobody heard him. They were going to kill Dumbledore! But wait...who the hell was Simba?

"Great idea, who needs a king?", Pansy put in as she and the other Slytherins started cheering.

"No king, no king, la la la la la la..."

"IDIOTS!", Snape shouted at them, which caused the Slytherins to recoil. "There will be a king!"

"Hey, but you said...", Malfoy started to say.

"I will be king!", Snape cut him off. Harry gasped again. Snape was planning to overthrow Dumbledore?

"Stick with me, and you'll never go hungry again!", Snape shouted, which made the Slytherins cheer. Harry raised an eyebrow. The Slytherins get plenty to eat in the Great Hall...

The Slytherins started chanting as they circled Snape.

"King, king, king, king, king...", they chanted as they started to sing in unison. "It's great we'll soon be connected. With a king who will be all-time adored."

I'm pretty sure no one will even come to school anymore if Snape was running the place..., Harry thought.

"Of course, quid pro quo, you're expected to perform certain duties on board.", Snape said as he put a finger across his throat.

He is planning to sacrifice his students to overthrow Dumbledore! Snape's gone nuts!, Harry thought.

"The future is littered with prizes. And though I am the main addressee, the point that I must emphasize is...", Snape continued as he now leered at a small group of Slytherins.

"YOU WON'T GET A SNIFF WITHOUT ME!!", he shouted quite loudly at them, which made them jump back. Snape flicked his wand so that now, groups of Slytherins were standing on platforms while Snape stood on a taller one in the middle.

"So prepare for the coup of the century...", Snape said("Oooh!", the Slytherins sang with him)

"Be prepared for the murkiest scam!"("Oooh la la la...")

"Meticulous planning..."("We'll have food...")

"Tenacity spanning..."("Lots of food...")

"Decades of denial..."("We repeat...")

"Is simply why I'll be king undisputed..."("Endless meat...aaaaaaah...")

"Respected, saluted and seen for the wonder I am!"(Aaaaaaah...aaaaaaah!")

"Yes my teeth and ambitions are bared!"("Oooooooooo")

"Be prepared!", Snape commanded as sparks went off behind him. The Slytherins joined in as well as everybody in the room, save for Harry, sang at the same time.

"Yes our teeth and ambitions are bared! Be prepared!!", they all sang and laughed as loads of fireworks and sparks went off. Harry immediately went to the door and slipped out, ripping the cloak off.

"I've gotta tell Dumbledore what Snape's up to!", Harry gasped as he ran off to the headmaster's office. There was no way he could be wrong about Snape training the Slytherins to overthrow Dumbledore! He knew he was not to be trusted! He sprinted as fast as his skinny legs would take him, hoping that he wasn't too late to stop Snape's diabolical planning.(He may have played Quidditch, but he still couldn't run to save his life, save for those few times when he was running for his life away from the Basilisk and Voldemort, but those don't really count) Meanwhile, back in the classroom...

The group stood, silent for a moment, until Snape suddenly cuffed a couple Slytherins around the head. They moaned a sharp cry as they rubbed the spots where their Potions teacher had hit them.

"You guys were off key!"

"Sorry Professor...", they mumbled.

"Sorry's not good enough! You guys need to work on your singing, otherwise we'll never be ready for Hogwart's play of 'The Lion King'! We need to make sure we're on top way before Dumbledore gets a chance to tell the rest of the school about the play!", Snape shouted at them.

"Right sir!", the Slytherins agreed. It was already decided that the Slytherins would play as hyenas while Snape somehow snagged the role of the evil villain Scar. (Cough, blackmail, cough..) The play would be in a few months, and now because of the training before hand, they were sure to be the best parts in the whole play. The only thing that would suck for them would be if the Potter brat was casted as Simba, but because of his wild allegations of the things going on in Hogwarts, he was currently on suspension from public events like Hogsmeade and shows that they did in the Great Hall every Thursday night, being told that if his next allegation was incorrect, he would be given enough detention to put Umbridge to shame...

"Now, we will try again, and you guys better damn well hit the right notes this time!"

 

[Every Heart]

.:.Lucius Has A Crisis.:.

He poked it.

It didn't do anything.

He poked at it once more.

It still didn't do anything.

Lucius frowned, glaring at the object that he had once taken pride in. No matter what he did, it wouldn't return to the former glory it once had. Being in Azkaban would do that...

He dumped a clear liquid onto it and started to carefully massage it, hoping that it would help. But despite this effort, it still remained lank and dull.

His eyes warbled like a little kid who watched the Santa at the mall being led away in handcuffs. He burst into tears just as Snape came upon the disturbing scene after opening the bathroom door.

"Lucius, your going to have to come out sometime."

"Not until I fix it."

"I'm pretty sure that it isn't going to be fixed so easily."

"I have to! Without it, my fangirls would leave me!"

"...Well, the Dark Lord sent me in here to pull you out, he's tired of you stealing his-"

"-like he would need it, he doesn't have any!"

"Watch that he doesn't hear you say that, he is sensitive to that sort of thing."

"It's his own fault he lost his when he started tearing his soul apart."

Snape growled and decided that this really wasn't worth his time. He left the bathroom as Lucius turned back to the mirror.

"What am I going to do?", he moaned.

After poking at it somewhere and washing it and it still wasn't the way it used to be, he stood and left, trying to control his sobbing.

...A little while later...

"My Lord."

Voldemort looked up from his copy of the Daily Prophet. "What is it now Snape?"

"You are not going to believe what Lucius is doing..."

"I probably will...so what is it?"

"He's outside with some of the other Death Eaters holding a funeral for his hair."

"His...hair?"

"You know, the way his hair used to be before he was in Azkaban."

Voldemort frowned. "Tell them to get back inside and tell Lucius to stop being such a drama queen. Oh, and I want my shampoo back."

Snape raised an eyebrow. "I've been meaning to ask, why do you have shampoo if you don't have-"

"Shut up Snape."

 

[Every Heart]

.:.The Yaxley Way.:.

Voldemort cursed under his breath as he looked out at the front lawn of his super secret headquarters. He really needed to get the lawn mowed at some point. But for some reason, he couldn't think of the magical way of getting the grass cut, only thinking of the muggle way, which he sure as hell didn't want to do.

Did it really need to be done? He glanced over at the brown hedges that were starting to grow weeds out of them. Yes, he definitely needed to. But he really didn't want to. Dark Lords shouldn't have to be preoccupied with matters like this!

Suddenly, he was pushed to the side quite rudely by Yaxley, who had a lighter in one hand and a can of gasoline in the other.

"I'll solve this problem the Yaxley way!"

Voldemort watched him go down the hall mystified until turning to the window just as a loud "whoosh" sound echoed in the air and the weird "yip yip" sound that was in the air, but was immediately cut off after the whoosh sound happened.

Yaxley came back inside, looking quite proud of himself. Voldemort pointed to the window.

"So the Yaxley way of getting the grass cut is to set the next door neighbor's Pomeranian on fire?"