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Fanfiction ► Deus Ex Exsilium (Prologue & Chapter I)



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Lord of Chaos

Once more 'round the room we waltz.
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I don't usually post my stories on here. I have posted poems on here, but a long time ago. I consider writing a gift, and people that just flaunt it out left and right, well, apparently consider that gift just a toy to abuse. Pathetic. There are many people like this on this forum.

Anyways, this is a story that I won a scholarship on, I am still writing on this thing, but if you want to see the next chapter, just leave a comment.

-- I apologize in advanced for this not being in the right format. Like I said, I don't post on here much.


Deus Ex Exsilium



Prologue



A spectrum. That’s what it could be called. One could never be for sure, but, it fit the description quite well. A flying, sphere of a spectrum at that.
The “it” being referred to was flying across space, as if no boundaries were holding it back. If one could keep track of it, and follow it along, they would see that it was crossing dimensions, bridging universes, with relative ease. The multi-faceted colors that resided within the spectrum shone brightly, illuminating the stars around it.
There was no sound. It was completely silent in its travels. However, it did not go without notice. There were those beings, the kind that one rarely lays eyes upon. They saw it, and wondered about where it was going. Apparently, they knew something about this sphere that others did not. However, it did not apparently matter that greatly to them, or else they would have followed it.
This sphere continued on its path across the Omniverse. There was nothing that stopped it, nor, could there have been anything to stop it. Every time it came to an obstacle of sorts, it passed right through it, as if it meant nothing to this object. Its speeding path lead it directly into the Milky Way Galaxy, on the Physical Plane. It was going at a speed faster than light itself, maybe it was in a hurry. The spectrum finally reached where it was going, as it slowly came to a halt, as it passed into a Solar System, and stopped above a blue planet, called Earth.
It rotated in place for a moment, before suddenly, a bright glowing emitted from it. This glow just grew continuously brighter. It even grew bright enough to rival the sun, which was shining on the other side of the planet at this current time. Finally it reached a peak in its luminosity.
Then, it exploded. Luckily, it was not of supernova proportions. There was a loud sonic boom heard from it, that was so powerful, it could be heard all over Earth. Thousands of lights shattered forth from this sphere. These lights fell to Earth, in various locations, spanning the globe itself.
These lights seem to have somewhat a life of their own. As they descended, they took paths that they chose. No one could exactly be for sure if something was controlling them, or maybe they were sentient themselves. Either way, they all zoomed around, trying to find something, or maybe, someone.
A white light fizzled down into the place known as Seattle, Washington, that was in a country known as the United States of America. It zoomed down a street, veering past cars and people, who just looked at it as it passed, in puzzlement. It flew through a newspaper stand, which held a paper that read the day’s date: November 27th, 1987. It zoomed in through a window of an apartment building, and into a bedroom, where sounds could be heard from beyond the door, of two people, apparently male and female, that had just gotten through with making love to each other. There was a scream from the female, and suddenly, the door bust open. She was shaking and yammering to the guy, who had apparently not seen the light get absorbed into her stomach.
All the lights found a target. Some chose people that were already alive, some chose animals. Either way, within the hour, they had all found a target.
Except one. It was a clear sphere of light, and it had headed straight for an animal known as a Polar Bear. However, on its path, somehow, the sphere got trapped within ice. It slowly dimmed down, just becoming a clear sphere, as if there was a spherical hole in the cube of ice. It knew inside that one day, it would be free, to find a new target.





Chapter I



“Good morning Chicago! It’s seven-fifty a.m., and a rainy day it looks like, here on the Fourth of October, Two-thousand and five.”
Ian turned the radio off. He hated that talk show. It was stupid. He was missing the fact that they had taken the two greatest deejays off the air about a month ago. He slowly came to a stop as he pulled in the High School Parking lot. He pulled the keys out of the ignition and slowly got out of his truck. It was a 1993 black Hummer. His Uncle had bought it for him on his Thirteenth birthday, and he had been working on it for three years. He was sixteen now, and had his drivers license. It was always a happy thought.
Anyways, today was the morning of the field trip. Mrs. Rorkin’s Geology class was going to see the new load of rocks that they had shipped in from the Arctic, or somewhere up in that region. He was in the Geology class. He had found certain rocks interesting, and besides, he did not want to take Physics or Chemistry this year.
He looked up at the sky, smiling a moment. He enjoyed the rain. It calmed him. It had that affect on many people, but he just wished it was particular only to him. His thoughts were interrupted though, as he heard a familiar voice.
“Hey! Ian!”
Ian looked up as his best friend, Ben, came walking up to him, tossing a small fireball back and forth in his hands. Ian smirked as he watched him and shook his head. “Loser.”
Ben smirked in return. “Hey, I can’t help it if you didn’t get blessed with Spec Powers. Sorry dude, not everyone did. They said that there are only an estimated eleven-thousand on Earth in total with Spec Powers. Mainly people here in North America, Europe, and Eastern Asia. “
Ian nodded. “I know.” Spec Powers, they were called. About seventeen-odd years ago, something had happened, called the Spectral Boom. They said that thousands of different colored lights fell to the Earth. These lights more or less absorbed into people. In many cases, unborn people, like Ben, who was in his mom’s stomach at the time. He had told him the story so many times, that Ian grew tired of it quite often.
Everything that absorbed a light from that day gained some sort of ability. Some could phase through walls, change their physical makeup as it were. Some were elementalists, like Ben here. He was a pyro, a fire user. He could create, and manipulate fire.
Ian had not been given anything. He was not so lucky. There was a total of fifty people at his school that had powers though, mainly students. They had come here from all over because this school was one of the few that taught you how to use and control your powers.
See, as soon as it was over, and the facts were coming out that people and other living things had gained abilities, scientist went to work. They soon discovered what these powers were. Also, they developed classes and people who already had their powers, usually young adults, into teachers that would teach them how to control their own. They had also set up a system of police, some who had these abilities, some who held weapons called Anglocks.
An Anglock was a weapon that shot out a small sphere of light. If this sphere hit someone, it would enter their body, and neutralize the powers. They could not destroy their powers like this, but it was stop them for awhile, until they could get them into custody or whatever needed to be done. There were even special jails for these people now.
Sometimes Ian wished he had gained the powers. “So, you ready for the field trip?” He nudged Ben on the shoulder in a friendly manner as he turned and walked with him back towards the Entrance to the building.
“Ready as I will ever be I suppose. I wish I had your interest in Geology...” he shook his head as he looked over at Ian, who just shrugged.
They walked into Mrs. Rorkin’s class together. She was an older lady, around fifty, but had still managed to keep her profile. She was a somewhat kind teacher, but she could be mean and stern if necessary. She liked Ian and Ben, they were good students, even though they were different.
By different, Ian still was. He was labeled a Goth of sorts, though he wasn’t as bad at it as some of the kids who dressed that way. Still, he had the even, realistic mind-set of one and was very creative. Ben on the other hand was a skateboarder, and was quite good at it. Ian boarded too, but he was not quite as good as Ben, who had even won several competitions, and had the chance to skate against Bucky Lasek once.
“Well boys, you two are the last, shall we go class?”
Most of them said yes. This was a Junior class, meaning all 11th graders. Ben was seventeen, while Ian was sixteen. They looked starkly different as well. Ben had brownish-blonde hair, that came down over his dark green eyes, and was about six-foot-three. He was a lankier type, but still fairly graceful in spite of it.
Ian on the other hand was a little shorter. He was about six foot even. He had black-brown hair, and dark blue, slightly unsettling eyes. He was a little paler than Ben, but not by much. It was mainly what got him labeled.

They boarded the bus, about forty of them. Mrs. Rorkin of course was the last one to get on, of course; it was her duty as a teacher to make sure all the students had boarded the bus and tried not to play hooky. Then, they were off, towards the science museum that was about ten blocks away.
Ian sat with Ben, and they were talking about things that had happened the past weekend. A party to be specific. Ben was asking Ian if he had talked to Sera. Ian said he had not gotten the chance. It was not that he was embarrassed, but it seemed that something was always taking her time or she had to run off to do something.
Sera was a girl, about two months older than Ian. She also was a Spec. She had the ability to use sound, like a banshee. It was her nickname, by those who didn’t like her, or those who feared her. She was top of the class at controlling her powers, and had not been beaten yet in a spar.
“Oh well dude, you can talk to her while we are at the Museum.”
Ian smirked and laughed. “Yes, I guess so.” He was pushed forward slightly as the bus came to a stop in the parking lot.
“Okay students, be on your best behavior. If I get a report from someone I will send you to the Principal when we get back”, she chided as all teachers would. With that, she stepped off the bus, followed by students, who walked past her, going up into the museum.
Ian and Ben headed straight for the new exhibit. Ian had wanted to see what they had found in the Arctic, if anything interesting. They were soon standing in front of it. A large piece of ice, that had rocks and other things frozen into it. Ian was slightly disappointed, but found this interesting as well.
Something caught his eye however. He poked Ben on the shoulder and pointed at a spot on the piece of ice. “Hey, look at that dude. “
They both stared close at what Ian had pointed at. There, in the ice, was what seemed to be a sphere. Actually, it looked like a empty spherical place in the ice. Ian smirked as he turned to Ben. “Hey, I bet there is something in that spot...”
Ben blinked and looked over at him. “Man, you are not thinkin’ what I think your thinking are you?”
Ian nodded. The ice was slowly melting, so that they could get to the stuff inside. It had been placed in an exhibit, where it was in a large stone tub, water below it. The water had been the already melted off ice. Ian reckoned that he could just chip through the ice with his hand, since it was that thin, to get to the space of air or whatever it might have been. He stepped over the rope, and Ben poked him on the shoulder.
“Dude, we have company.”
Ian turned to see that she was standing there. Sera, and her two friends Tiffany and Jasmine. Tiffany and Jasmine were also Specs; Tiffany an Illusionist, and Jasmine could move at super speed, able to break the sound barrier with her current training. They were all wearing looks of interest, if not a little dismay mixed within. “Ian Darius, you better not. Mrs. Rorkin won’t like that if she sees you.”
Ian shrugged, deciding to play it cool. “She isn’t around is she?” With that, he turned and smiled, and leaned over the edge of the large pit, his fingers almost touching the ice...closer...closer.
“IAN DARIUS! Get away from there!”
Ian turned to see Mrs. Rorkin now standing behind Ben, tapping her foot as she looked at him. Ian grinned sheepishly, and relaxed.
That was a bad thing to do. He suddenly slipped into the water, but as he did, his hand went through the ice, and into the empty space. As he did, within the same moment, there was an odd sound as a bright light flashed from within the empty space, and knocked Ian out of the water, and against the red ropes surrounding the exhibit.
Slowly, a sphere of clear light emerged from the empty space, and slowly floated towards him. He just backed up slowly, but at the same time was curious.
It was a Spectrum Light.
Suddenly, it decided he was a good pick as any, and smacked into his chest, sending him sprawling into the air, and landing about twenty feet away. As he did though, he felt dizzy, from hitting his head, and slowly slipped into the darkness of unconsciousness...
 

shadowblade

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Okay, it's interesting, I'll give you that. However, a few things...

First, some of the dialouge wasn't very natural, in my opinion.

“Hey, I bet there is something in that spot...”
Could easily be changed to "Hey, I bet there's..." It's not really a big thing, but it makes the dialogue sound more natural. I think there are a few more, but they don't take away from the overall story.

Also:
“Man, you are not thinkin’ what I think your thinking are you?”
"Your" should be "you're".

Besides that, there's nothing really wrong with the writing. I found the characters a little dull, but that may change as the story continues. I'm also mildly interested in the story as a whole, but I hope it won't change into the typical "the superpower teens have to save the world while dealing with their teenage problems on the side."

So yeah, that's my opinion and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

Oh yeah, as for this:
I consider writing a gift, and people that just flaunt it out left and right, well, apparently consider that gift just a toy to abuse. Pathetic. There are many people like this on this forum.

I'd say, truthfully, that a lot of people don't even have the gift of writing to flaunt it around. Especially on this forum. If you want to read some good works as well as get your own critiqued, I'd say go to http://forums.ffshrine.org/forumdisplay.php?f=10&order=desc where the critics are ruthless in pointing out writing follies, or here: http://www.writingforums.com/index.php
 
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Lord of Chaos

Once more 'round the room we waltz.
Joined
Nov 29, 2004
Messages
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Location
Within the Masquerade
Well, I appreciate the comments. This story isn't my best. I did win a scholarship, but not because of overall what the found, but the potential in it. As far as dialogue goes, I admit, the whole Hey I bet there's thing coulda worked better. Also, everyone makes spelling errors, so I am allowed my own.

The story is going to take an interesting twist. This I promise. I don't care if they suddenly get turned into clowns that ride horses, it is going to take a twist. But, until then, it is going to be like your superhero crap...

Just think Kingdom Hearts. STarts out like a normal super hero journey, and then look what happened.

Either way, I appreciate your comment Shadow. You get rep.
 
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