Hear me out! (Name subject to change)

[Cicero]

An untitled story (kind of just an intro) that popped in my head yesterday, which got major potential of becoming a new story; I really like the ideas I'm working on. I post it here for now just so I can access it on my other com. =P Please ignore the spelling mistakes, and be so kind to correct them if you see any. I wrote this in the middle of the night without a spelling checker, so yeah.

Enjoy and all, for what its worth now! =)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Hear me out: that's what he said.​

October 17, 20:43​

"
Gunshots.

'HELP HELP!: the crowd shouts as it wavers. Will they be heard?

Gunshots.

'I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!': the man screams proud through his laughter. Will he be heard?

Panic. Gunshots. Panic. Blood. Panic. Heartbeats. Panic. Die. Panic. Stumble. Panic. Bodies. Panic. Kill. Panic. Kill. Panic. Kill!

'Come here, let's play!': the woman cries, her hair ripped off. Struggling and shouting, she won't make it.

The traffic light switched red, all birds have left this place. An occasional body here and there, shattered windows of local shops, and a very handsome amount of blood pouring into the sewer; just to sketch the situation. Now, who is the man dragging the woman over the street? I could tell you who that woman is; just an 'innocent' bystander, but: she isn't that gorgeous anymore. A horrible look: those scratches on her arms, that blood mingled with mud, her clothes ragged. Hell, if this was taped and put on some fetish site, this could get exciting.

But now to the man: who is he?
I'll tell you who...he is me.

'Whahahaaa! You thought you could make me let you go, hm? Is that it? YES, THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT?' Hair now almost completely removed from her scalp; the woman cries silently, beaten numb. Her attacker's voice hardly reaches the conscious state of her mind when her eyes turn blank.

'Hm, pathetic.': the head of the woman, now released from his grip, hits the ground. A nice red colour.

'Who's next?'

Footsteps. Gunshots. The man can't stop, the man can't stop!

'Oh, please, make him stop!': panic turns me on. There, I said it, so please let me enjoy this part: here's where they beg for there lives...

His suit is filthy, did it rain this morning? O wait, that's blood. Anyway, the look on his face is not one smiling. Well, what would you do if you feel cold steel against your teeth, while the knowledge of your upcoming death surprisingly doesn't really get to you at all? Mumble. Yes, he mumbles; the poor bastard with his fear filled eyes. Would the mad man above him give him a cup of tea or something? He looks like he's freezing. But that's not on the mind of the madman. You know what is? Yeah, you do, so no point in telling it: up to the next victim, this one's dead.
"

You like it so far? Hm? Yes, was that a yes? Ah well, hard to speak for you I guess, I'll just continue now.

"
BANG!

So, there's another blown to bits body on the ground. Thickened by the smell of sweat and the heat surrounding those brave little hearts; its hard to breath in this oxygen. Driven in the corner they are, begging for their Gods: six shining personalities, oh, oh, what will they do? Can they think straight after seeing seven people murdered in a way not possible in even their troubled sleeps? Well I certainly hope not, gha, haha!

'Please, God, have mercy on us!'

'There is no God, you fuck!'

Gunshots. One down. Smoke and a pointing barrel.

'He's got some nice organs, no? Anyone has a sick uncle or something? No? NO!?'

Gunshots. Two down.
"

Am I going too fast? Just nod, my friend, and I'll slow down talking, or I'll...elaborate more.

 

[Essence of Elegy]

Re: Untitled

An untitled story (kind of just an intro) that popped in my head yesterday, which got major potential of becoming a new story; I really like the ideas I'm working on. I post it here for now just so I can access it on my other com. =P Please ignore the spelling mistakes, and be so kind to correct them if you see any. I wrote this in the middle of the night without a spelling checker, so yeah.

Enjoy and all, for what its worth now! =)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

October 17, 20:43​

Gunshots.

'HELP HELP!: the crowd shouts as it wavers. Will they be heard?

Gunshots.

'I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!': the man screams proud through his laughter.

Panic. Gunshots. Panic. Blood. Panic. Heartbeats. Panic. Die. Panic. Stumble. Panic. Bodies. Panic. Kill. Panic. Kill. Panic. Kill!

'Come here, let's play!': the woman cries, her hair ripped off. Struggling and shouting, she won't make it.

The traffic light switched red, all birds have left this place. An occasional body here and there, shattered windows of local shops, and a very handsome amount of blood poring into the sewer; just to sketch the situation. Now, who is the man dragging the woman over the street? I could tell you who that woman is; just an 'innocent' bystander, but: she isn't that gorgeous anymore. A horrible look: those scratches on her arms, that blood mingled with mud, her clothes ragged. Hell, if this was taped and put on some fetish site, this could get exciting.

But now to the man: who is he?
I'll tell you who...he is me.

'Whahahaaa! You thought you could make me let you go, hm? Is that it? YES, THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT?' Hair now almost completely removed from her scalp; the woman cries silently, beaten numb. Her attacker's voice hardly reaches the conscious state of her mind when her eyes turn blank.

'Hm, pathetic.': the head of the woman, now released from his grip, hits the ground. A nice red colour.

'Who's next?'

Footsteps. Gunshots. The man can't stop, the man can't stop!

'Oh, please, make him stop!': panic turns me on. There, I said it, so please let me enjoy this part: here's where they beg for there lives...

His suit is filthy, did it rain this morning? O wait, that's blood. Anyway, the look on his face is not one smiling. Well, what would you do if you feel cold steel against your teeth, while the knowledge of your upcoming death surprisingly doesn't really get to you at all? Mumble. Yes, he mumbles; the poor bastard with his fear filled eyes. Would the mad man above him give him a cup of thee or something? He looks like he's freezing. But that's not on the mind of the madman. You know what is? Yeah, you do, so no point in telling it: up to the next victim.
You like it so far? Hm? Yes, was that a yes? Ah well, hard to speak for you I guess, I'll just continue now.

BANG!

So, there's another blown to bits body on the ground. Thickened by the smell of sweat and the heat surrounding those brave little hearts; its hard to breath in this oxygen. Driven in the corner they are, begging for their Gods: six shining personalities, oh, oh, what will they do? Can they think straight after seeing seven people murdered in a way not possible in even their troubled sleeps? Well I certainly hope not, gha, haha!

'Please, God, have mercy on us!'

'There is no God, you fuck!'

Gunshots. One down. Smoke and a pointing barrel.

'He's got some nice organs, no? Anyone has a sick uncle or something? No? NO!?'

Gunshots. Two down.

Am I going too fast? Just nod, my friend, and I'll slow down talking.

Bold = spelling mistakes
Underline = something I didn't understand.

When it comes to spelling, you did well, even without spell-check. Your portrayal of the madman is very realistic; it was actually very easy to believe that he was an insane lunatic. All that mindless killing. This reminds me of Stephen King, somewhat.

It's a good introduction since it draws you in. Although I saw no foreshadowing of what might happen next, I'm interested to see how you're going to develop this into a full-fledged story.

 

[Cicero]

Re: Untitled

Bold = spelling mistakes
Underline = something I didn't understand.

When it comes to spelling, you did well, even without spell-check. Your portrayal of the madman is very realistic; it was actually very easy to believe that he was an insane lunatic. All that mindless killing. This reminds me of Stephen King, somewhat.

It's a good introduction since it draws you in. Although I saw no foreshadowing of what might happen next, I'm interested to see how you're going to develop this into a full-fledged story.

Why is the 'O' from 'O wait' wrong? =P

And yeah, I meant cup of tea. I wrote it like thea first, and then the spelling checker on this pc said it should be thee...or it is just a stupid spell checker, or it was still on Dutch, lol, I'll fix it now.

 

[Essence of Elegy]

Re: Untitled

Why is the 'O' from 'O wait' wrong? =P

Isn't "Oh" more appropriate? I'm aware that "O" works in some cases, but I don't think so in this case.

 

[Cicero]

Re: Hear me out! (Subject to change)

Man, I'm beginning to like this idea. Again, this is just a post so I can change PC's (too lazy to e-mail), but critics are always welcome if you would only consider that this is the rough material that just spawned form meh brain and thus will be subject to change.

*Edited the first part a bit. Minor changes.

Oh, and yes, just in case: this story does have some scenes not meant for a weak stomach...so to say with lack of better words.


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1?​

October 17, 20:47​

You see, I’m not crazy. I am not like those other mad people that suddenly snap, run into a public place, shoot some people dead and then kill themselves. God, there are a lot of those these days. But no, I’m not like them. You see,

I am not pathetic.

I am not going to kill myself.

I am not JUST KILLING.

And most certainly am I enjoying this…

I think this world needs fun. I think this world is boring. You are the ones who are crazy by not even noticing! You, licking of your bloody fingers with the mind of a cripple. Can’t you see the irony? You kill people with your senseless speeches, untouchable arrogance and sheer coldness to your fellow men. Then I kill you with my knuckles, this cute bat, and the gun laying over there, you see it? You know what these three things of us have in common, right? Yes..?

…They both kill just as easy!

Yes, my little friend; you killed people. You did.

I quote:
‘You showed inhumanity to your fellow men.’

You let your life be led by greed.

BAH!

And now… -let me wipe that cut clean- I too kill people. Why? There is no why. I first held back you know, I fought it… I first…thought it was wrong, wrong to destroy. All those ideals and standards which were fed to me from my birth; I at them up, all up. I listened to them, believed in them…lived for them. ‘You shall not kill’. The first rule in the law book of nature –defined to us by that ancient lawyer, what was his name?- is one I cherished. I would fear the consequences of such actions. But even more hold back by knowing that I would become an outcast to humanity, I couldn’t bare the thought of not being able to return.

Hm? You say something..? Well…SHUT UP! YOU PIECE OF SH-

LISTEN TO ME!

Sigh…

Good, now where were we… Wait, wait, let me clean up that bleeding nose for you. Yeah, yeah, I was too harsh I know. Well, at least it looks nicer now, haha!

Yes, well, so I was doubting you see, what if I’d follow my wish? What if I…killed a person. If I’d…lose myself…and follow my wish, yes…what if? I couldn’t bare the thought of losing everything I had, -as you see, I had a very happy childhood- but one day it just hit me.

And I quote:
‘What is the point of living, if you do not enjoy your life?’

That’s what did it. What is the point of living, my fleshy partner? If you havEN’T ENJOYED YOUR LIFE!

So, I started planning this. Well, not particularly planning your capture and all, I just planned victims. And more even, I needed motives. Cause you know, even a man like me needs something to justify his actions. And I found just the motive! Which…I’m not going to tell.

Hm, wait. You need some adjustments.

HAHAHAHAHA! Shall I whistle? Yes, I’ll just do that.

So…and this, and hmm…la la la la laaaaa

Hm, like this, eh..?

Will this be alright?

You like that? HMMM? Looks nice on you, those serrated ears. Maybe it'll help you listen.

No, no, no…don’t scream! Why scream? Does it really hurt that much… DO I REALLY SCARE YOU?!

Hm, bastard. You’re lucky you haven’t enjoyed me enough yet…I was about to kill you right then and there, but I guess you still have some fun left in you. So, I’ll continue the story, and be good to listen now!

…

"
So, of the 6 left individuals, whom I chose so righteous. Righteous, yes, that’s a good word, I can find myself in that. Anyway, I left were I killed the first two right? Yeah, they were the quickest: the others were more fun.

The walls had cracks, were dry. The ceiling dripped, was wet. The air was dense, not breathable, filled with thoughts and views of white tunnels. Burned parts of the door now closed didn’t draw attention. One body sitting in the corner; back slightly bend, hair on his face, pasted. One body close to it; a naked breast and stare in the eyes: no life left. Four bodies in the other corner, across from the room, were they fled. Bodies still breathing, bodies worth talking too. And finally, one body in the middle of the room, breathing in slow, breathing out quick. A gun in his hand, a knife dripping blood, teeth shown. An animal, this man? Simple jeans, blue shoes, a brown, open blouse, and a white shirt. A simple necklace as only jewellery. Yeah, he’s normal and all.

‘What is your favourite hobby?’: scared as much as the man can be; his lips tremble but don’t part. Drops of sweat make him clean his eyes, his vision troubles. Sense was far, panic ruled. Favourite hobby? The words don’t have meaning. A pointing barrel and envisioned death make his body itch every inch. But if he doesn’t answer soon...

‘U-u-uh…s-so-soccer…’

‘WHAT DID YOU SAY?!’

‘…’

‘WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME?!’

‘So-soccer, I like to p-play s-soccer.’: the words came shattered, pushed out of man’s mouth against their will.

‘Hm, well I don’t’: Three down.
"

 

[Ban Mido]

Not bad. I took a quick scan and I liked what I saw.

And I don't know if you are still considering names, but the title "Falling on deaf Ears." came to mind.

 

[Lectori Salutem]

Nice! It's very interesting, I'd like to read more.

 

[Cicero]

Thanks for the comments. =)
And I'll keep the name in mind, ASG.

I was poundering on which way I should go with what I have up till now, as it really was a spur of the moment thing, but I figured it out, so expect an update soon. This will be awesome. (And yes, I do love it when my ideas work out good. xD)

 

[Twilight_Path]

This is pretty sexy. Excellent exploration of the psychological aspect of a madman.

I kinda like ASG's title idea. It's got my vote.