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Reaching Puberty



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Is this any good?


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MangaCrazy101

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Ok first off, I apologise if the name... offneds or is bad to anyone, I just like the name for this story :3 It's original and it does contain alot of sexual references... well I'm not sure yet but it's mentioned all the time so yeah... here goe's. I wright long chapters...

Chapter 1:
Why is my life complicated?! I am a year ten student at Fianuyra High school. I’m in all the top classes (besides math of course), I’m a quiet achiever, my best friend's a guy and my twin hates me. To put a cherry on that wonderful life I have no breasts what-so-ever and I am the clumsiest girl you will ever meet. I’m Keiko Hurada.

So you're thinking 'yeah sure how is your life bad', let me tell you you’re not living it. Of course I’m boyfriend-less, have been and most likely always will be. It’s one of those things where all the guys were absolute idiots, yeah were. Isn’t it funny when you look back at your first day of school ever and see all the people you know now eating play dough, playing kiss chasey and the girls running running real fast cause the boys had coodies. It’s weird to see how much we’ve changed though our habits are kinda the same if you substitute the play dough for smokes, kiss chasey for frenching and the coodies for extreme hotness, then yeah it works.
We had just arrived home from holidays, the long holidays were my best so far mum took me and my sister to America, even if it was a business trip for her, it was fun city for me. Except the fact that Yumi was a total stuck up the whole time and just wanted to shove unknown guy’s tongues down her throat. Me? I went sightseeing, San Fransisco is beautiful and universal studios would have to be one of my favourite places. But as you know the two months and a half of vacay had to come to an end and so we did have to return to Japan.


Fianuyra is the smallest town in Japan it consists of 2, 347 people, like I said it’s a town not a village. We have a public high school and a private high school. On the first day back my alarm on my phone played “Sanctuary” by Utada Hikaru, her music is madly awsome. I heaved myself out of bed and beat Yumi to the shower. “I’m the eldest, I should go first!” After quickly having my shower and getting dressed I sat down for breakfast. Mum always cooks breakfast on school days and I always ate it.
I looked curiously around the kitchen, our clean, empty kitchen. Yep no delicious pancake smell, no fry pan, no mum. I saw a note on the bench, leaning over to it I fell off my stool. “Ow...” I groaned, holding my head. I managed to stand up without falling over again. ‘Yumi and Keiko make your own breakfast and don’t be surprised if I’m not home tonight. Work emergency. Love mum.’ Well, that bites, I‘d have to wait for Yumi as I can’t cook.

I sighed as Yumi flipped another pancake. “I can’t believe mums not here on our first day of year ten...” I muttered to Yumi. She turned to me with an annoyed expression. “Grow up, she can’t always be around.” She passed me a plate of pancakes with butter and syrup. I took a bite and praised Yumi, I had to admit mum was a great cook, but Yumi passed great in many ways with her cooking. “I wish I could cook like this.” I said licking some syrup off my fork. “You’re not even allowed to touch the kettle, little own the fry pan.” My sister sneered. I glared at her, it would have been ok if she joked about it but she didn’t, even if it was true.


After my wonderful breakfast I grabbed my pack, lunch and roller blades and waited for Yumi. She locked the door after checking everything was ok. We always walk together, always. I started to walk out the drive way when a car pulled up at our little suburban house. Yumi walked past me and got into the passenger seat then frenched the guy driving the red... I don’t even know what car it was, I’m not into that stuff. Then without a wave or any acknowledgement of me, they sped off. Well so much for 'always' walking together and who the hell was that!?


“Who was that?” I spun around on my heel to see a kind of familiar face; blue eyes and shaggy mouse-brown hair. “Hiro-kun!” I squeaked excitedly, I barely recognised his voice little-own him. “Oh so it’s Kun not bakka now?” He teased me; I was still on the shock of him FINALLY reaching puberty. I laughed nervously and put my blades on. “How is it I go away for the holidays and you can’t even wait till I get back to change.” I played along. Hiro Tomari is my best friend and man did I score... wait did I just say that?!
Hiro always was a skinny boy, no meat and no muscles, never brushed his hair and always loved baggy clothes. His mouse-brown hair now was more mouse-brown with blonde streaks, (I’ll so ask if they’re natural) Broad shoulders and not skinny as-such now he’s not total all out buff but you can see he has done some exercise. His arms now had some muscle still not what you would call major hot but still. Something other than his appearance was different, his attitude had changed too; I could tell by just looking at him he had gained self-confidence, he had a nice black bag though he always used to have a red one and how I said he always wore baggy stuff, nup he wore a tight black shirt that you could easily see his broad chest in and he wore normal jeans.


Myself? I wore my dark blue hair (yes its natural) in long pigtails that fell down onto my chest , that which didn’t matter cause I didn’t have any anyway. I wore a pink heart t-shirt and baggy black cargo pants. I wasn’t the skinniest girl in our year but I was definitely under weight. I had my much loved skate shoes in my bag and my heart necklace my mum bought me. I wore my friendship bracelet that Hiro made for me in year 4, the day we met. It was multi-coloured and very old, it was falling apart; I only never wore it while taking a shower. I noticed Hiro wore his too, he never used to wear it he thought it was too girly; his being red, Hiro’s favourite colour.

“So, you had a good holiday?” I said standing up after buckling my skates and skated towards the direction of the school, Hiro following on his scooter. “Yeah, it was ok, but kind of lonely without you.” I had a big grin plastered on my face, luckily he was behind me otherwise he would have seen; our friendship was more a love-to-hate. I looked back at Hiro and stuck my tongue out at him. “KEIKO! LOOK OUT!” He yelled as I turned around I realised I had reached the road and a truck was heading towards me. I tried to stop but my skates wouldn’t comply the best I could do was shield my head and wait for severe pain. I screamed and I heard the truck coming until I felt a massive blow to my right hip and I was knocked to the ground.
-------------------------------
hope you enjoyed teh first chapter >_<
 
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A

Audo

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I wright long chapters...
No... you don't.

I am a year 10 student at Fianuyra High school.
Write it out.

my best friends a guy
Grammar.

To put a cherry on that wonderful life I have no breasts what so ever and I am the clumsiest girl you will ever meet.
All one word.

So your thinking yeah sure how is your life bad
First bold: Grammar Issue
Second bold: Should be in quotations with proper grammar, otherwise it just runs together and becomes confusing.

It’s one of those things all the guys were absolute idiots, yeah were.
Should be "things where all the guys".

Isn’t it funny when you look back at your first day of school ever and see all the people you know so well eating play dough, playing kiss chasey, running real fast cause the boys had coodies.
If it's the first day of school ever, then how can they be people you know so well?

It’s weird to see how much we’ve changed though our habits are kinda the same if you substitute the play dough for smokes, kiss chasey for frenching and the coodies for extreme hotness then yeah it works.
Incredibly awkward sounding sentence.

The long holidays were my best so far
Best what? Holidays? Also, this should have a period, for it is a complete thought.

mum took me and my twin to America, even if it was a business trip for her, total score for me.
We already know he/she is the character's twin. Just say sister/brother. The bit at the end doesn't connect well with the sentence.

Perhaps something more like:

"Mum took my sister and me to America. Even though it was a business trip for her, it was a total score for me."

"Total score" sounds ridiculous though, by the way.

[quote[Me? I went sightseeing,[/quote]
Period, not a comma.

san Fran Sis co is beautiful and universal studios would have to be one of my favourite places.
Places like that need to be capitalized. Also, if you're going to include a place in your story, make sure you actually spell it right

It's San Fransisco.

But as you know the 2 months and a half of vacay had to come to an end and so we did have to return to Japan.
Don't start a sentence with but. Write out numbers.

"As you know, the two and a half months of vacation had to come to an end, so we returned back to Japan"

As an example.

Fianuyra is the smallest town in Japan
PERIOD.

it consists of 2, 347 people, like I said it’s a town not a village.
Awkward.

We have one public high school and a private high school; of course I go to the public.
Unnecessarily wordy and drawn out.

"We have a public and a private high school." Would have sufficed.

On the first day back my alarm on my phone played “Sanctuary” by Utada Hikaru, her music is mad.
Mad what?

I heaved myself out of bed and just beat Yumi to the shower.
|
holds up flow.

“I’m the eldest, I should go first!” I sighed we went through this every day. After quickly having my shower and getting dressed I sat down for breakfast. Mum always cooks breakfast on school days and I always eat it.
Not needed.

I looked curiously around the kitchen, our clean, empty kitchen.
Horribly awkward. Just push the details into one though.
"I looked curiously around our clean and empty kitchen."

I saw a note on the bench; leaning over to it I fell off my stool.
That's not how you use a semicolon.



Eh, i can't keep reading this. It needs some serious work. Get someone you know to proof-read it before posting.
 
A

Audo

Guest
Are you serious I proof read it like five times *sigh* -_- And I think i wrote it like that cause I wanted it to be more personlised :/
Get someone else to proof-read,because you missed a ton.

Writing can be "personalized" without having to have bad grammar and spelling and awkward wording.
 

Annoyance

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Are you serious I proof read it like five times *sigh* -_- And I think i wrote it like that cause I wanted it to be more personlised :/

You can still make it personalized without making it seem like a diary entry written by a 12 year old while listening to Linkin Park.
I suggest fixing up all the things Audo commented on. At LEAST the typos.

And it helps the reader if you put some indentation in between paragraphs. Just a double line helps it not seem intimidating and just a solid brick of text.

I'll read this when you fix it because the first sentence already turned me off... Send me a VM when you do. I promise I'll read it.
 

Annoyance

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I have fixed it half up now, but yeah the name is still getting me...
good enough... i'm bored and have a shitload of time free at the moment. sorry if i offend you.

Ok first off, I apologise if the name... offneds or is bad to anyone, I just like the name for this story :3 It's original and it does contain alot of sexual references... well I'm not sure yet but it's mentioned all the time so yeah... here goe's. I wright long chapters...
the fact that you have typos in your beginning statement isn't promising anything for ANYONE.
Reaching Puberty sounds gross if you ask me. Especially for a girl. Seriously?
Try explaining to a 5 year old girl that one day she will bleed for a couple days straight, nonstop, every month of her life once she hits the age of 13. Becoming of Age or something would be a little sweeter, don't you think?

Why is my life complicated?! I am a year ten student at Fianuyra High school. I’m in all the top classes (besides math of course), I’m a quiet achiever, my best friend's a guy and my twin hates me. To put a cherry on that wonderful life I have no breasts what-so-ever and I am the clumsiest girl you will ever meet. I’m Keiko Hurada.
I love how you started this just like a crappy manga would. "My name is ___. my life sucks. i'm perfect in every way but it's HARD. :C" Why don't you let the story show us? If your twin hates her so goddamn much, have a fight in the hallway. Not handed to us. We don't need to be told by the narrator every specific detail, either. No one cares that her best friend is a guy, either.

If she's top of all of her classes, math would be included. You honestly could just say "While I'm good in school, top of most of my classes, my twin hates me for some unknown reason and life is really tough." Then you would actually explain it. Not in the next paragraph. I find it's better if the introductory paragraph doesn't need to depend on the next paragraph. It's the same thing with essays. You can't just say "why do I say that? well i'll tell you." It's just improper and childish.

On another note. Hurada is a pretty crappy last name. Not to mention there's no HU sound in the Japanese language. The closest is FU. And Fianuyra I'm guessing is your attempt at making a Japanese high school name... which isn't even a Japanese word to begin with. At all. Japanese doesn't work that way. They don't even have a FI sound. They might be able to spell that mess out but it would be so complicated there wouldn't be a point. is that why she said her life is complicated?

You obviously don't know how Japanese works at all. Do some research before you write about a country you've never been to or have even studied about else than in some shoujo manga.

Another funny fact: She says her life is complicated with a "?!" implying that it's really tough. She's pretty damn average. Nothing that negative else than her clumsiness, flat chest, and her normal sibling relationship. Don't try so hard to make your character interesting and pathetic to the reader so we put some sympathy her way.

Oh, and ending the sentence with her name is so freakin' cliché. Couldn't you have a classmate just say her name? Hell, sometimes stories don't even have their names said ever. Fight Club is a good example, I suppose.

So you're thinking 'yeah sure how is your life bad', let me tell you you’re not living it.
what? what does this even freaking mean? now you're telling your reader that her life is worse. you don't know that. it's a dumb statement.

Of course [NEEDED COMMA] I’m boyfriend-less,
the rest of the paragraph for this one just makes me think she's a bitch to everyone so they avoid her making her think life sucks. :| sorry.

We had just arrived home from holidays, the long holidays were my best so far[NEEDED PERIOD HERE] mum took me and my sister to America, even if it was a business trip for her, it was fun cityfor me. Except the fact that Yumi was a total stuck up the whole time and just wanted to shove unknown guy’s tongues down her throat. Me? I went sightseeing, San Fransisco is beautiful and universal studios would have to be one of my favourite places. But as you know the two months and a half of vacay had to come to an end and so we did have to return to Japan.
what do you mean by fun city?
I wouldn't call what Yumi was doing being stuck up. More of just being a whore from what I see. D:

"is" would be "was" where it is bolded.

San Francisco and Universal Studios don't need to have different text. Just say the towns and places. Just upper case the two letters and be done with it. Also: They would be another sentence. It's a run-on and no one really gives a shit.
and spell out vacation like a normal person, please...

This entire paragraph could honestly be omitted. Ask yourself, "How does this benefit the final story."

Fianuyra is the smallest [NONEXISTANT] town in Japan it consists of 2, 347 people,[SHOULD BE A PERIOD.] like I said it’s a town not a village.

We have a public high school and a private high school.
this story is so unorganized... but anyway. such a small town wouldn't have the money to afford a private and a public high school. A lot of this isn't even important.

On the first day back my alarm on my phone played “Sanctuary” by Utada Hikaru, her music is madly awsome. I heaved myself out of bed and beat Yumi to the shower. “I’m the eldest, I should go first!” After quickly having my shower and getting dressed I sat down for breakfast. Mum always cooks breakfast on school days and I always ate it.
Starting at "On the first day", it could be its own paragraph.
First issue: Who the fuck cares what her alarm played. I love how you advertise for Utada though. And using one of her most overplayed, overrated, bad songs. Way to go.
Second issue: Just say oldest. Saying eldest sounds so dumb for something that you're trying to make sound "personal".
Third issue: What kind of sentence? It's a normality in Japan for there to be a breakfast made in the morning before school. But if she's such a business woman, how does she have the time for that shit? If you're going to be going with clichés at least do it right, dude... Also, it's so broken and unnecessary. Come on. She makes it so I eat it? Do you know how dumb that sounds?

I looked curiously around the kitchen, our clean, empty kitchen. Yep no delicious pancake smell, no fry pan, no mum. I saw a note on the bench, leaning over to it I fell off my stool.
You really need to work on your sentence structure.
"I looked around in my empty clean kitchen. No pancake smell, no frying pan, no mum, no Yumi. Just a note on the fridge. I tried leaning over to read it while still sitting on my stool but ending up falling on the floor." would be an easier way to write this. Then, it would be a new paragraph. Every time someone talks they get a new line. The "ow" would indicate a new paragraph regardless of the finished paragraph you now have.

‘Yumi and Keiko make your own breakfast and don’t be surprised if I’m not home tonight. Work emergency. Love mum.’
new line entirely to itself. could be italicized.

Well, that bites, I‘d have to wait for Yumi as I can’t cook.
This is totally what a teenager says. A perfect way for you to not tell us but to show us would be Keiko trying to cook because she wants to avoid her sister and being awkward about how she can't cook. No matter what she does it doesn't turn out, the pancakes don't flip right, the pancakes burn, the eggs are too salty, etc.
Then her sister comes downstairs and fixes everything.


I sighed as Yumi flipped another pancake.
I love how you avoided everything in between that. No fight? Nothing? Come on.

“I can’t believe mums not here on our first day of year ten...” I muttered to Yumi.
new line now and again, TOTALLY what a teenager would say. Honestly.

And really, Keiko? You're in tenth grade and you don't understand business? Really? Just go to school. Your character is kind of annoying...

She turned to me with an annoyed expression.[NEEDS TO BE A COMMA] “Grow up, she can’t always be around.”
... soooo what is this oh so terrible reason that yumi hates her sister? keiko is really immature even for someone who's just "reaching puberty". Someone who has a mother in a business that requires a trip to America from Japan should understand by age 10 that things don't go the way you want.

I took a bite and praised Yumi, I had to admit mum was a great cook, but Yumi passed great in many ways with her cooking.
No ITADAKIMASU? how rude.
“I wish I could cook like this.” I said licking some syrup off my fork.

“You’re not even allowed to touch the kettle, little own the fry pan.” My sister sneered. I glared at her, it would have been ok if she joked about it but she didn’t, even if it was true.
is that so hard? also, it's fryING pan.
And dialogue would be like this:
"I wish I could cook like this," I whined, licking some syrup off my fork. (also, who does that, anyway? make it lip. more natural.)

And just saying now but pancakes aren't generally made in Japan for breakfast. They have egg dishes and rice usually. Your name is more weeaboo than me. You should know this.

I'm stopping for now. I want your opinion on my statements. So far it's pretty unoriginal else than your made up names. Generally speaking, it's nothing special, it's been done before, etc.

Again, I'm sorry if I make you mad or something but these things need to be said by an unbiased party.
 

Annoyance

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Can some one please kill this thread im sorry im a fialure and im not good enough for you guys.

Way to fucking give up. What the hell? Just because I'm saying you need to fix a LOT of this doesn't mean you give up. God forbid you do some work before it's great. Rewrite it. It'll turn out a lot better and it will make you realize your mistakes yourself.
 

Nyangoro

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yeah kill this so when I come back in maybe a year or two it maybe good anough for your standards.

I hope you plan to write during that time, otherwise you won't see any improvement. At all.

Seriously, the reason Annoyance is saying this is because she wants you to get better. So don't pout, IMPROVE!
 

Annoyance

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yeah kill this so when I come back in maybe a year or two it maybe good anough for your standards.

...

why don't you just work on it now and make it good to everyone's standards?
You just have a shitload of mistakes compiled into one big story that needs a lot of work.


I never told you to give up. I told you to do some work, do some research, then post it. You're only making yourself look worse by doing this. There is NO REASON to give up because we gave you critique that was necessary for you to become better.
 
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