The Rain People

[Ta-Chan]

Note: This story if based off of personal experience
Whether you believe it or not, It's still based off of my experiences in some ways.
Treat this as fiction or not, it's still a story nonetheless.

The Rain People

Ryan: Beloved

'It's been nearly 3 months since she died...' He thought to himself. Ryan stared out the watery window trying to draw up inspiration for his next article. He flipped open a somewhat tattered ring box. A beautiful ring gleamed in it's home. 'What a beautiful wife she'd had been...' he continued mumbling on, pictures of his beloved being smeared on pavement flashing in his mind. He tried to shake it out of his head for fear of bringing back too many memories. The 27 yearold journalist looked at the clock and made a decision. He grabbed a rain coat and an umbrella and fled the small apartment. His sandy blonde hair hidden in his raincoat, he walked briskly to and empty park. He sat on one side of a bench, not far from a post office. The scent of death hung in his lungs as it had the day that plagues his memories every night. Remembering that night he hung his head in sorrow, recalling the screams and bloodshed. Then, in the empty park, Someone tapped his shoulder.He looked around, but saw no one. He was tapped on the shoulder again. When he turned to face the other side of the bench, he saw what appeared to be a person, materialized in water droplets. It appeared to be a girl, and reflected in the water droplets was a face that gave him feelings of love and of great dis belief. The face of his dead beloved, obviously happy to see him.
"I've missed you, Ryan" She said with a smile

 

[Traskix]

oh i like it a lot!! Can't wait for more ^^

 

[Keyblader110]

Yeah Its awesome =D ... like Krista said cant to see more

 

[Ta-Chan]

I'm going to be adding characters within the next few installments until we reach our full cast of 4 main characters

And thanks for the positive feedback

 

[Bellaisima358]

Very intense.

I like it Ta-chan. I look forward to more.

 

[Ta-Chan]

Yeah, my writing's always sorta intense ^^;
And I'll look forward to writing more then if I'm getting all this positive feedback

 

[Skye]

Loving it but, why did you use my name ?
is this what you mean by "like me"?

 

[Ta-Chan]

Loving it but, why did you use my name ?
is this what you mean by "like me"?

I didn't use your name because of you, This story has been in development even before I met you.

 

[Skye]

I didn't use your name because of you, This story has been in development even before I met you.

alright i get i get ^^ .
hope to read more .

 

[Almagest]

pictures of his beloved being smeared on pavement flashing in his mind.

The scent of death hung in his lungs as it had the day that plagues his memories every night.

These sound somewhat awkward in their phrasing, but that's really my only complaint. I'm from Oregon, so I absolutely love rain, and your title insinuates that there's more people than just Ryan's beloved. I'm looking forward to reading more =)

 

[Superschlock]

Very good, I like it! Hope theres more to come!

 

[Ta-Chan]

I'll begin writing the next part right now, seeming as I have many interested people

 

[Annoyance]

First off, this looks like a brick wall of text. Try to expand it just a bit and spread it out. It's a bit more appealing to a casual reader. Plus, it makes the whole thing look downright puny. :c no one wants that, hm?

Oh well.

he continued mumbling on, pictures of his beloved being smeared on pavement flashing in his mind.

You are missing A LOT of emotion. Expressions of her face, the scenes, a bit more in detail, etc.

it can really boost the mood with just a bit more description, you see.

The 27 yearold journalist

not even necessary. We knew he was a journalist from the word article. His age is irrelevant to a short story such as this one. Some details that are needed for a novel or something else long aren't really even necessary at all for a short story. It's good that you spread them all out rather than trying to explain EVERYTHING in one damn sentence. A lot of stories go downhill in their first step doing so.

looked at the clock and made a decision. He grabbed a rain coat

a good place to break it up. It just seems way too long for it all to be one whole paragraph.

He sat on one side of a bench, not far from a post office.

i thought it was raining... D:
and another detail that's unneeded.

recalling the screams and bloodshed.

You're making it sound like a freakin' massacre. One person died. You could just say his lover's cries or something of that sort.

Then, in the empty park, Someone tapped his shoulder. He looked around, but saw no one. He was tapped on the shoulder again.

another place to break it up. on another note, it sounds incredibly choppy. Use different words for the tapping. It's just repetitive.

She said with a smile

how the hell can it be that detailed?

and you ended it on a horrible note. no emotion from Ryan? barely any response, no reasoning for why she's returned, no dialogue...
It just seems like you didn't feel like finishing it.


I suggest cleaning up the first part before going off and doing the 2nd part with just as many errors.

 

[Sapphire Skies]

I enjoyed it Ta-Chan.
I look forward to the next part.

 

[khfreak17]

aw! that sounds sad. but its still awesome