Fanfiction ► Untitled Poem

[JenovaDOWNFALL]

This is a poem I wrote for...
Its also the theme of my fic Drifting Sorrow.
Maybe someone can make suggestions or put it
a name.

You were the soundtrack of my summer
That then was the beginning
When wed hold hands
But now, where has this feeling gone?


Someday well look up at the sky
And remember how we were once…
Remember our dreams, hopes, and fears
And Ill remember someone else


Scattered pieces of my mind will lie
On my hand
Like a little puzzle… of a face that
I once saw
A budding smile has appeared…


Sometime in a far away place I thought of you
A word described it… more like millions of
Them that made a single one
Sometime ago I wondered what you thought of me


The time in a month, year or whatever
Didn’t matter
Even as the stars fell at night I could
Think of whatever thing you said
To make me comfortable
Now it is all-faint


Whenever I’m sad and lonely
I close my eyes really hard, thinking that
I can still remember you
But then my memories break up

You were the soundtrack of my summer
Sworn to find us a perfect ending
But now I’m dying in a slow spring
And as the flower petals scatter in
A hard wind ….I can make out your
smiling face from between them.

 

[Hypoxium]

that was beautiful

 

[JenovaDOWNFALL]

Thank you! I think its crap.
But thanks.

 

[its_beca]

You were the soundtrack of my summer
That then was the beginning
When we'd hold hands
But now, where has this feeling gone?

Good, 'cept the last line could be a little more inspired.

Someday we'll look up at the sky
And remember how we were once.
Remember our dreams, hopes, and fears
And I'll remember someone else

Okay.

Scattered pieces of my mind will lie
On my hand
Like a little puzzle… of a face that
I once saw
A budding smile has appeared…

Hmm... you've change the structure, but it's okay.

Sometime in a far away place I thought of you
A word described it… more like millions of
Them that made a single one
Sometime ago I wondered what you thought of me

Okay.

The time in a month, year or whatever
Didn’t matter
Even as the stars fell at night I could
Think of whatever thing you said
To make me comfortable
Now it is all-faint

Maybe change the second whatever. Okay.

Whenever I’m sad and lonely
I close my eyes really hard, thinking that
I can still remember you
But then my memories break up

Good, I like this one.

You were the soundtrack of my summer
Sworn to find us a perfect ending
But now I’m dying in a slow spring
And as the flower petals scatter in
A hard wind ….I can make out your
smiling face from between them.

Take out the "the"? Or change the "flower" to something else.
Good.

Not my personal favourite style, but it's pretty good. Especially the last two stanzas. I like the "soundtrack of my summer" bit too.
I didn't offer a lot of suggestions, but remember it's your poem so do with it what you want.

 

[JenovaDOWNFALL]

Good suggestions.

 

[Puppet Master]

luv it

 

[JenovaDOWNFALL]

Of everything I have ever gained
I’ve found only pain,
Sworn to keeping it a secret
So that life won’t see an end.
Everything is perfection, engraved in absolution
The only thoughts in their minds,
With no room for corruption.
Id never thought that all of this could make
Me feel this way
Its everything and yet nothing that I
Could understand.
Restless, lifeless my body seems to walk…
Staring at these lies
At least I know the truth know
I know who they are…
Disappointment and deception; there is no salvation,
Even if I try and pretend it will still remain.
In the end there is nothing left,
Of life or death.

 

[JenovaDOWNFALL]

VAMPIRE


I live by day,
Im immortal by night
Only then in the shadows I can grow into my demon
And feel the power through my veins

On these dark nights I can hate, destroy and kill
Suffering is not only for me to experience but for others too so I can spread it
Till it infects everyone and then my purpose is fulfilled

My life has changed so suddenly that my soul
Has been reborn
Now my sorrow has turned into a feeling I enjoy
Being locked inside for so long has made my essence cast
Aside its human part and bring in a demon

Tonight you will see me one last time
You shall bid farewell your days of abusive luck
Riches you will not need any longer,
Nor yelling for help or any of your prayers
Because God has left you and now I replaced him
By tasting your blood and pulling you in me
You’ll be condemned forever
I am your angel of death.