Recent content by shadowblade

Really short, but necessary. [b][u]Chapter Three[b][u] The morning was still cold, but the sun slowly rose over the city, spilling its rays wherever it could. Dustyn lay on a park bench, still deep in sleep, his breath coming out in clouds. He shivered, pulling his jacket tigher around himself...

I'll suggest one thing. Seperated the dialogue into paragraphs. When a different person speaks, a new paragraph should be formed. It'll make it way easier to read and you'll probably get new readers to boot. Other than that, it seemed pretty good from what little I read. But I didn't read that...

Accidently double posted...

There we go. Sorry for the delay. Chapter Six: Oblivion Yuyami stood there, waiting. He was surrounded by what must've been hundreds of SOLDIERS, and they all looked ready to throw down. He gripped the keyblades tighter, tensing. Suddenly, a part of the wall of SOLDIERS split, letting...

Chapter Four: Memories of Nothing Tired? Yeah...a little... Yeah, me too... I haven't been this tired in a while... Yeah...I guess... Something wrong? Who...are you...? Who are you? Do you know? I'll show you... It was one of those clear nights, the kind where you could see all the...

Seryl doesn't come in for a while, I'm afraid. He was actually my favorite character from the fic. Chapter Five: Half-Forgotten Memories “We’re going to Midgar, right?” Kairi asked, as they walked down the dark narrow road once again. “Yes,” he answered. “We have to find the other keyblade...

This, right? http://forums.khinsider.com/showthread.php?t=33894 I usually only post when I get another comment.

Hmmm... Such as...?

Chapter Four: An Army of Millions Kairi summoned her keyblade and looked toward the door. Her eyes had adjusted to the darkness and she could see through the blindfold. So she waited, tensed. Suddenly, a Heartless burst through the door running toward them. Kairi ran toward it ready to crush...

Uh...wow, this is from a while back. I wanted to start off fresh with my edited stuff but ah well. Just, if it's possible, no one post in here please? This thread should be dead. Oh, and no this isn't the whole story. It's a LOT longer.

Okay, it's interesting, I'll give you that. However, a few things... First, some of the dialouge wasn't very natural, in my opinion. Could easily be changed to "Hey, I bet there's..." It's not really a big thing, but it makes the dialogue sound more natural. I think there are a few more, but...

Chapter Four: The Heartless are Here "Aarrgh! Why the heck is it so dark here?!" Kairi cried as she stumbled for what seemed like the thousandth time. This time, her own feet were the culprits. Yuyami laughed quietly. “It takes a while to get used to the darkness.” He began rummaging through...

Thanks for the compliments, they're really appreciated. Here's the next chapter. Chapter Three: Premonitions “The ultimate dark force?” Kairi repeated, staring at Yuyami with wide eyes. “Yes…the source of all Heartless, the entity craving to devour every world’s heart," Yuyami answered with a...

Okay, basically the main reason why this isn't a good novalization is because there's no originality. Instead of copying their lines word for word, tweak them a bit. Add stuff that you think could've happened but wasn't in the game. Also, describe everything. Whenever you come to a new world...

The re-edited chapters were better. Way better. The latest chapter is good too. Could use some work, but nothing that reading and editing won't take care of. Good job.