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Really short, but necessary. [b][u]Chapter Three[b][u] The morning was still cold, but the sun slowly rose over the city, spilling its rays wherever it could. Dustyn lay on a park bench, still deep in sleep, his breath coming out in clouds. He shivered, pulling his jacket tigher around himself...

I'll suggest one thing. Seperated the dialogue into paragraphs. When a different person speaks, a new paragraph should be formed. It'll make it way easier to read and you'll probably get new readers to boot. Other than that, it seemed pretty good from what little I read. But I didn't read that...

Accidently double posted...

There we go. Sorry for the delay. Chapter Six: Oblivion Yuyami stood there, waiting. He was surrounded by what must've been hundreds of SOLDIERS, and they all looked ready to throw down. He gripped the keyblades tighter, tensing. Suddenly, a part of the wall of SOLDIERS split, letting...

Chapter Four: Memories of Nothing Tired? Yeah...a little... Yeah, me too... I haven't been this tired in a while... Yeah...I guess... Something wrong? Who...are you...? Who are you? Do you know? I'll show you... It was one of those clear nights, the kind where you could see all the...

Seryl doesn't come in for a while, I'm afraid. He was actually my favorite character from the fic. Chapter Five: Half-Forgotten Memories “We’re going to Midgar, right?” Kairi asked, as they walked down the dark narrow road once again. “Yes,” he answered. “We have to find the other keyblade...

This, right? http://forums.khinsider.com/showthread.php?t=33894 I usually only post when I get another comment.

Hmmm... Such as...?

Chapter Four: An Army of Millions Kairi summoned her keyblade and looked toward the door. Her eyes had adjusted to the darkness and she could see through the blindfold. So she waited, tensed. Suddenly, a Heartless burst through the door running toward them. Kairi ran toward it ready to crush...

Uh...wow, this is from a while back. I wanted to start off fresh with my edited stuff but ah well. Just, if it's possible, no one post in here please? This thread should be dead. Oh, and no this isn't the whole story. It's a LOT longer.

Okay, it's interesting, I'll give you that. However, a few things... First, some of the dialouge wasn't very natural, in my opinion. Could easily be changed to "Hey, I bet there's..." It's not really a big thing, but it makes the dialogue sound more natural. I think there are a few more, but...

Chapter Four: The Heartless are Here "Aarrgh! Why the heck is it so dark here?!" Kairi cried as she stumbled for what seemed like the thousandth time. This time, her own feet were the culprits. Yuyami laughed quietly. “It takes a while to get used to the darkness.” He began rummaging through...

Thanks for the compliments, they're really appreciated. Here's the next chapter. Chapter Three: Premonitions “The ultimate dark force?” Kairi repeated, staring at Yuyami with wide eyes. “Yes…the source of all Heartless, the entity craving to devour every world’s heart," Yuyami answered with a...

Okay, basically the main reason why this isn't a good novalization is because there's no originality. Instead of copying their lines word for word, tweak them a bit. Add stuff that you think could've happened but wasn't in the game. Also, describe everything. Whenever you come to a new world...

The re-edited chapters were better. Way better. The latest chapter is good too. Could use some work, but nothing that reading and editing won't take care of. Good job.

Chapter Three: Who We Are "Hey, look at this…" We were at the base, a two story building that didn't look like much but was the center of the Organization. I was just about to knock on the door, but the kid said something. "What is it?" I asked, walking next to him. On the side walk, in red...

Chapter 2: Test of Keyblades “Where...am I?” Kairi groaned and shook her head groggily. It seemed as if she were in a grassy plain, but everything was so dark. She stood shakily to her feet, hoping to find some kind of help or sign, or anything. “Keyblade Master…” a cold voice emerged from the...

Chapter One: The Search Begins “It’s almost too easy now,” Kairi thought briefly as she dodged a wild sword swing from Tidus. Kairi had gotten stronger than Wakka, Selphie, and Tidus over the last three months and beating them was a cinch, even together. Her keyblade granted her newfound...

Chapter Two: Illusionist It's almost like a drug, fighting. That adrenaline rush that seems to make you invincible, heightening the senses and numbing the pain. I jumped back lightly as a Shadow Heartless dove at me, its small claws swiping the air. Before it landed, I slashed at it with the...

A little vocab variation will definitely help here. I don't know if you want to use the word anarchy, as it usually describes a state of lawlessnes or absence of politcal authority. You may want to use carnage, chaos, or other words to that effect. Also, don't really like the cliche...