You're probably going to say "this was just for fun!" to all of this, but you need to be told these things. It's bothering me.
No. Don't tell me what to do. D:
Seriously, though. I don't really like songs integrated into writings. It ruins everything. It chops it up, slows it down, and it just seems like it's only trying to make the short whatever the author wrote longer.
Pant* *Pant* "Seriously, can't school start at 1:59 and ends at 2:00?" Suddenly I felt a gasping wind going through my hair. "Woah....." I saw a Bluring light zig zagging through the road. "Felt like God's Speed". "Hey KID YOUR GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!" said the bluring light.
"I think i know that!"
Oh boy.
1. What's with the action asterisks? This is a story. Not a role play.
2. Why are you italicizing everything that isn't a quote? It's unneccessary and annoying. (i removed your formatting only because it looked dumb)
3. You don't need to center EVERYTHING. I understand messing with the layout but centering the entire fuckin' thing is just bothersome and stupid. It makes your story already give off the air of "bad" when someone looks at it. Unprofessional doesn't get comments.
4. Just looking at this paragraph makes me notice a lot of typos and no actual law of punctuation. Please work on that.
My name is Isle (Pronounced I'll) Misturugi. Im the age of 15 and I go to Fujiagoma High.
I'm guessing this takes place in Japan considering the high school name...
1. Don't tell your readers how to pronounce the character's name. Let them figure it out. It's pretty obvious it's read like the word "isle". I'm sure you meant Mitsurugi, anyway. Fugiagoma, well, I'm pretty sure you just mixed up a bunch of Japanese syllables and called it quits on originality, there. Why not just do some research and find out about an existing high school? It isn't hard.
2. 15 year olds in Japan don't go to high school, usually. They're still in middle school. High schools there cover our grades 10-12. Unless he's just beginning high school. Either way, I doubt you thought about that.
3. Showing not telling. This means, don't hand your reader EVERYTHING in one go. You can show this by simple dialog.
For his name, the teacher could call "mr. mitsurugi" in class and say that he should work up to standards or some shit that teachers say about being in high school and you need to be better than that.
His friend could say "hey, isle, why you late?"
it's easy shit, man.
531, 532, 534!" said Isle. *Books slammed on the floor* "ISLE YOUR LATE AGAIN!"
"I'm sorry Mr. Wallace wont happen again, I PROMISE!" *Bell Rings* "Seriously Isle your gonna get
expelled for just being late everyday" said Kazu. Kazu is an old Friend of mine since 10 years before. He's mature and cool. "Hey Isle, did you hear of those new things called Airs?" said Kazu.
"You mean those hover boards? Yeah, i saw one before i went to school." said Isle. Well how about those gangs?" said Kazu. "Gangs?"
First thing, apparently 533 doesn't exist.
And second, there's your dialog.
and uh, how is this an actual ending to a chapter?
or even a chapter.
two paragraphs BARELY constitutes for the first chapter.
You definitely need to fix these things. Keep trying.