Help/Support ► I feel invisible.

[Ehres]

So for the past couple of months I've noticed this particular issue and now thinking on it it extends to 2010 as well. Basically I live in a flat with three of my very good/good friends (one of whom is away most of the time so count her out). Naturally we are all university students so we are quite colourful and mixed in personalities, but overall we are very verbose.

In my speech I am very blunt, to the point and almost crass. For me if someone was like this then I would notice them more because of the hard nature of their way of speaking. However, whenever I say something, most people don't pay attention to me or just bat my speech off while they busy themselves with doing something else. This 'something else' can be as menial as texting someone else or Facebooking, tasks which don't really require a whole lot of attention. But nevertheless they give simple 'yes's and 'yeah's a lot to sort of buy me off when I'm speaking and in all honesty it makes me feel really shit.

I am very strong-natured, this I know, and very intelligent and generally I do have a lot to say. I've found with most people that even when I'm speaking about something, someone else will completely butt in when I'm in the middle of a word, even, and voice their opinions. Sometimes they'll start on a completely different, unrelated subject. It really irritates the flying fuck out of me because I have said on so many occasions to these people that they constantly talk over me and the worst thing is that they say they don't even realise they do it. Even one of my housemates who has made an effort to let me speak still has an issue of starting texting/Facebooking people when I'm talking to her. This girl also said about me, when we were having a discussion about people's natures, that I was "just there".

Just there like a chair, or a light fitting, or a plate. Just there. I have no presence and I know this because I know I am very uncharismatic. So, yes, I feel very invisible and like I have no real value because of this. I Googled this online and I came across several people with the same issue but they tended to be quiet and shy individuals whereas I am absolutely not.

I go out a lot with these people, do a lot of activities with them, talk with them a lot and yet it seems as if I'm just not important at all. One site said to speak more slowly and pronounced, and to enunciate speech from the diaphragm. I am really, seriously considering stopping speaking all together unless spoken to because I might as well given my scenario.

Additionally, it happens online as well. I might post in a couple of threads on the forums or whatever and people will utterly overlook my posts or not even bother reading what I have to say when I, personally, am very attentive to others. I bet you even this thread will have zero to few individuals viewing/replying.

Advice?

 

[Ordeith]

Perhaps your friends have gotten so accustomed to your bluntness that it fades into the background?
As for strangers, there is a difference between charisma and sheer force; perhaps your manner of speaking is more of a turn-off than an attention-grabber?

To be honest, I can't produce a satisfying/lengthy answer from what you've provided. That isn't to say that you haven't given plenty of information, but that I need an example of your daily interactions—preferably from a third-person standpoint. With social problems like these, in which perspective plays a huge role, the problematic person generally isn't the most reliable source.

I will say this, though: Do not try to force attention on yourself, for only the sake of attention. If anything, it would only make the problem worse.

 

[Muse]

I want to tell you to put more value into yourself. You mention that you're considering to only speak when you're spoken to, and your second to last sentence about this thread getting few to none replies. Value yourself and your feelings more. Don't actively let yourself be 'just there'. You shouldn't give up talking to people, and you shouldn't make assumptions that you're just going to be ignored.

Ordeith has a good point too. Don't try and force attention on yourself. There is nothing anyone dislikes more than an attention whore. Make yourself noticed, but not in a way that's going to give you negative attention.

 

[LegendaryHeroLCB]

So for the past couple of months I've noticed this particular issue and now thinking on it it extends to 2010 as well. Basically I live in a flat with three of my very good/good friends (one of whom is away most of the time so count her out). Naturally we are all university students so we are quite colourful and mixed in personalities, but overall we are very verbose.

In my speech I am very blunt, to the point and almost crass. For me if someone was like this then I would notice them more because of the hard nature of their way of speaking. However, whenever I say something, most people don't pay attention to me or just bat my speech off while they busy themselves with doing something else. This 'something else' can be as menial as texting someone else or Facebooking, tasks which don't really require a whole lot of attention. But nevertheless they give simple 'yes's and 'yeah's a lot to sort of buy me off when I'm speaking and in all honesty it makes me feel really shit.

I am very strong-natured, this I know, and very intelligent and generally I do have a lot to say. I've found with most people that even when I'm speaking about something, someone else will completely butt in when I'm in the middle of a word, even, and voice their opinions. Sometimes they'll start on a completely different, unrelated subject. It really irritates the flying fuck out of me because I have said on so many occasions to these people that they constantly talk over me and the worst thing is that they say they don't even realise they do it. Even one of my housemates who has made an effort to let me speak still has an issue of starting texting/Facebooking people when I'm talking to her. This girl also said about me, when we were having a discussion about people's natures, that I was "just there".

Just there like a chair, or a light fitting, or a plate. Just there. I have no presence and I know this because I know I am very uncharismatic. So, yes, I feel very invisible and like I have no real value because of this. I Googled this online and I came across several people with the same issue but they tended to be quiet and shy individuals whereas I am absolutely not.

I go out a lot with these people, do a lot of activities with them, talk with them a lot and yet it seems as if I'm just not important at all. One site said to speak more slowly and pronounced, and to enunciate speech from the diaphragm. I am really, seriously considering stopping speaking all together unless spoken to because I might as well given my scenario.

Additionally, it happens online as well. I might post in a couple of threads on the forums or whatever and people will utterly overlook my posts or not even bother reading what I have to say when I, personally, am very attentive to others. I bet you even this thread will have zero to few individuals viewing/replying.

Advice?

I can honestly relate to this because I've had my fair share of such things happening to me in school. I'll usually be going through my opinion on something and I'll eventually get cut off by a smartass comment and just give up on continuing. This happens in particular wiht certain teachers of mine that just pop out with, "Why are you still talking?" Since I don't feel like letting loose on an authority figure (although I damn well might do it sooner or later) I just shrug and sit down. Although I am generally sociable around selective social "groups" (nerds, geeks, dorks and yes there is a difference) I pretty much keep to myself. When I'm talking with other people that I generally don't associate with (becuase I just flat out don't like em) I can be pretty cold towards them.

My only advice that I have for you is to maybe surround yourself with people that sort of...think like you. I'm gonna sound pretty douchy (so please excuse me) but usually when people can't really hold a conversation with someone like you is because you're too much for them, meaning that they can't really handle you. I've seen this is most of the people I've met. I'll be in the middle of a conversation and out of the friggin blue, someone engages them with something of no real substance and they magically become draw into them.

 

[Orion]

1In my speech I am very blunt, to the point and almost crass. For me if someone was like this then I would notice them more because of the hard nature of their way of speaking. However, whenever I say something, most people don't pay attention to me or just bat my speech off while they busy themselves with doing something else. This 'something else' can be as menial as texting someone else or Facebooking, tasks which don't really require a whole lot of attention. But nevertheless they give simple 'yes's and 'yeah's a lot to sort of buy me off when I'm speaking and in all honesty it makes me feel really shit.

I am very strong-natured, this I know, and very intelligent and generally I do have a lot to say. I've found with most people that even when I'm speaking about something, someone else will completely butt in when I'm in the middle of a word, even, and voice their opinions. Sometimes they'll start on a completely different, unrelated subject. It really irritates the flying fuck out of me because I have said on so many occasions to these people that they constantly talk over me and the worst thing is that they say they don't even realise they do it. Even one of my housemates who has made an effort to let me speak still has an issue of starting texting/Facebooking people when I'm talking to her. This girl also said about me, when we were having a discussion about people's natures, that I was "just there".

From what I've heard of your friends and how they interact, I know that they can be loud and talkative too. Perhaps its a fundamental difference in how they treat politeness, attentativeness, etc. Hate to play the race card, but it could also just be that their racial/cultural/religious kinship sees them have preferential treatment of each other.

Just there like a chair, or a light fitting, or a plate. Just there. I have no presence and I know this because I know I am very uncharismatic. So, yes, I feel very invisible and like I have no real value because of this. I Googled this online and I came across several people with the same issue but they tended to be quiet and shy individuals whereas I am absolutely not.

This goes without saying and it's not be being critical of you, but just general advice: be careful with self-diagnosis through Google. People have a tendency to fix on the first thing they see that roughly matches their own 'symptoms' and to not let go of that idea.

I go out a lot with these people, do a lot of activities with them, talk with them a lot and yet it seems as if I'm just not important at all. One site said to speak more slowly and pronounced, and to enunciate speech from the diaphragm. I am really, seriously considering stopping speaking all together unless spoken to because I might as well given my scenario.

Considering that being talkative is in your nature, I'd advise against this even if it means your words might be 'better-spoken'. Denying or suppressing a part of your nature can't lead to any personal good.

[QUTOE]Additionally, it happens online as well. I might post in a couple of threads on the forums or whatever and people will utterly overlook my posts or not even bother reading what I have to say when I, personally, am very attentive to others. I bet you even this thread will have zero to few individuals viewing/replying.[/QUOTE]I can only speak for KHI here, but I get the impression you as a member are less commonly seen than others and so the general membership mightn't take as much of an interest in you as they might others. Basically I'm unsure if this is just coincidentally in-line with your current issue because of the nature of KHI, or if it really is an extension of your predicament.

 

[Enchanted Rose]

That's very upsetting - though take some instances of this behaviour with a pinch of salt, as many people seem to be in a state of almost permanent distraction. I know I'm guilty of texting whilst in mid-conversation with someone else.

It does sound like they might not value what you're saying. Not because it isn't well thought out, intelligent etc - they may just not want to engage for some reason. Of course I'm speculating without knowing the real dynamics here, but maybe you have different interests from your housemates on an intellectual level, maybe they want to have different kinds of conversations from you, maybe you just have different styles of communicating?

I'm mentioning this because you say that people sometimes disregard your posts (Artorias' point is a good one), but sometimes people won't respond because they can't muster the effort to respond if it's going to make them think a little more than they can be bothered to.

However, these are your good friends, so this is a little worrying. I'm not sure I have any advice, but perhaps you could try to demonstrate interest in them and their lives. Have you tried asking them lots of questions? (about their day, their opinions etc). In conversations where the focus is turned on them, are they more engaged and more focused? Do they seem like they actively want to talk back and forth with you then?

I appreciate that this must feel horrible, and with as much empathy as can transfer over the internet, I'm hoping that this gets better for you.

 

[theirlosthearts]

This describes me so well. I can definitely empathize with your situation. I'm intelligent and a little blunt at times (though I'm getting better at being subtle), and I have had countless experiences like what you're describing. Based on how you described yourself, I don't think enunciation and speaking from your diaphragm will make a difference, google self-diagnosis is rarely accurate for this sort of problem anyway. Oftentimes, people will ignore other people when they (those that ignore) perceive a difference in social rankings, when they place too much importance on what they have to say (ie, they have a big ego), or when they feel that what you say is not worth listening to. Although, sometimes people just ignore others unintentionally too, or they may just be used to speaking the most. For me, I found people who didn't ignore me, and I made sure that I didn't ignore them. If other people wanted to ignore me, that's fine, I don't give a dang. If you really want people to pay attention to what you say, the only advice I'll give is to be inquisitive and helpful toward them. When you show an interest in their life (and I don't just mean "How are you doing?" but actually putting some time and effort into it, giving advice, paying attention to them, etc.), they are more likely to think about you and acknowledge you instead of just putting you into the background.

As for the texting/facebooking problem, some people just do that all the time and place it as top priority. It's annoying and frustrating, but there's not a lot that you can do except for actually talking to the person about it.

You mentioned doing a lot of activities with your friends, and I'm curious if you were ever excluded physically from the group. I've noticed that oftentimes when I and some of my friends (the ones that don't ignore me) come together to talk (say, in a circle), my friends will stand in a position that does not give me any room, so I'm stuck looking over the shoulders of other people and unable to really say anything in the conversation. And those are the people that I have long conversations with. Have you ever experienced anything similar to that?

In regards to being ignored online, this is going to sound blunt, but get some thicker skin. If people don't think what you post isn't worth replying to, they probably won't. And I honestly have only seen maybe a dozen or two of your posts. Post more if you want to be ignored less, and be sure that what you post is legit and doesn't come off as just a troll.

And please, please don't stop speaking. That won't make anything better and will only make you an introvert who is completely ignored. You said you were strong-natured, but if you stop speaking, you're just giving in.