Pretty good. But, you could make it better. For example, "Lightning flashes and a loud thunder crash fills the air and as the dark clouds pour more of their tears upon the land." As the dark clouds pour more of their tears upon the land... what? You're leading the reader to something else, something more, that is going on AS the clouds pour more tears upon the land.
So either you forgot something, or you just placed that 'and' in there unnecessarily. I do it a lot too. "Lightning flashes and a loud thunder crash as the dark clouds pour more of their tears upon the land."
A loud thunder crash what? A loud thunder crashes, perhaps?
In the first sentence you said "Dark clouds poured their tears upon the island of Marn."
Then in the sentence that I just went through you said "Lightning flashes and a loud thunder crash fills the air and as the dark clouds pour more of their tears upon the land."
You switched from ed to es, which is speaking in past tense, then in present tense ( or whatever it may be called, I'm no English expert ).
Constructive criticism. Which, basically this whole thing was saying that 1 ) Watch out on your writing style. Keep it in the same form, Paste tense throughout the whole thing. Don't change it unless you need to for something special that's exempt from the original format, such as a dream. Read over a few things slowly that don't flow right and see if you can't find stuff on your own.
Just remember that even people like Stephen King need their stuff looked at because they make a few errors. Sometimes your head gets ahead of your fingers and you seem to expedite things mentally, but not in your writing. So you say and as and blah blah, or even and and, or hey hey, or whatever. Often make sentences redundant, and the like.
Hope I helped. I've only read half, and I like it. It's very good compared to the average person, or even the average writer. I'll be back to read more.
