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The Black Widow [Chapter 7 added]



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Almagest

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Re: The Crystal Lake

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(Because I'm paranoid about people stealing my stuff. =P)
 
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Almagest

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Re: The Black Widow

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(Because I'm paranoid about people stealing my stuff. =P)
 
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Reverie

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Re: The Black Widow [Edited]

I wish I found this sooner...the description is really marvelous and really gives me a picture. So far, I have only read the first two chapters, but I'm really looking forward to reading more.
 

SilentTrinity

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Re: The Black Widow [Edited]

Wow that story was mind blowing. There are a few things that I have a bit of a problem...well not more of a problem but I would like to understand something.

First off, you are very well literate, and know how to describe the scenery very well, I can imagine seeing the pond, seeing the planet, etc. I went over the story again and did not find any grammar problems. Spelling problems I didn't have a chance to get at either, and will later.

Will post a summary later on as well...

The only thing that I don't get is, and you will probably make this more clear as you continue to write this great story, is the plot. At first I thought this was about Megan and her family, but then you did a moment of something that you didn't expect to happen. That's when it got confusing. you introduce the element of inter planetary travel through water, which I find it very interesting, but confusing. I do hope that you make this more apparent in later chapters.

Some of the characters can be better introduced, like Andrew, Megan's mom, Dad. I can think of maybe like add what Megan's dad does? Or what her Mom does if she does work? There are a few characters, like Megan's friends back on earth, if they are not important or if they are, give them a little more of a background, otherwise characters are very fleshed out, mostly Tyler and Megan. All though now that I think about it, Tyler is becoming an enigma, but that's my opinion.

All in all, its a great story, and I hope that you continue to write this, and I hope the plot becomes more apparent.
 
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Almagest

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Re: The Black Widow [Edited]

The only thing that I don't get is, and you will probably make this more clear as you continue to write this great story, is the plot. At first I thought this was about Megan and her family, but then you did a moment of something that you didn't expect to happen. That's when it got confusing. you introduce the element of inter planetary travel through water, which I find it very interesting, but confusing. I do hope that you make this more apparent in later chapters.

I really didn't want to spend too much time on Earth because that's not where the majority of the story takes place. I was worried it'd be slightly confusing at first >.< But I also needed to start the story on Earth in order to introduce a key character. Let's just say Megan's not the only one to go to Delralor that day ;)

Some of the characters can be better introduced, like Andrew, Megan's mom, Dad.

Darn it. I was hoping I had introduced Andrew pretty well because he's such a pivotal character =/ I have failed on that count apparently...

I can think of maybe like add what Megan's dad does? Or what her Mom does if she does work? There are a few characters, like Megan's friends back on earth, if they are not important or if they are, give them a little more of a background

Frankly, none of those things are important. There's no need to know her parents' occupations, and the only reason for Mikayla's existence is to help characterize Megan (and to provide a bit of foreshadowing ;) hehehe).

otherwise characters are very fleshed out, mostly Tyler and Megan. All though now that I think about it, Tyler is becoming an enigma, but that's my opinion.

It's funny because I never intended him to become an enigma. But that's what happens when a character knows far too many secrets. Or one big one ;)

All in all, its a great story, and I hope that you continue to write this, and I hope the plot becomes more apparent, and when I get the chance to fix your grammar and spelling problems..

I'm working on chapter 8 right now, but the chapters after #5 are so interconnected that I don't really want to post them until I nail down this next part of the storyline.

I'm curious as to what spelling/grammar issues you found. This may sound conceited but I'm a grammar Nazi, and I doubt much got past me =P it's always possible though.
 
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Annoyance

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Re: The Black Widow [Edited]

A lot of these could just be me being picky and can be taken however you want it. I'm really sorry for taking forever.
Spoiler Spoiler Show


Spoiler Spoiler Show


I'll post the rest of it once I finish it and you respond to this. It's getting really long...
And I hope it's alright that I'm only doing chapter 1.
 

Almagest

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Re: The Black Widow [Edited]

A lot of these could just be me being picky and can be taken however you want it. I'm really sorry for taking forever.

That’s okay. I’m sorry this chapter is so long =P

Spoiler Spoiler Show
 

Annoyance

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Re: The Black Widow [Edited]

I’ve read and reread this sentence but I don’t see how I could rearrange it. It looks just fine to me, but that’s probably because I’m the author =P
Silence reigned for a [whole] minute before I finally caved. “It’s my history class today,” I revealed with a resigned sigh. “We’ve been debating a different issue every day this week.”
to

Silence reigned for quite a while before I gave a resigned sigh, caving. "It's my history class today. "We've been debating a new issue every day this week," I revealed, looking ___" (dejected? I'm at a loss of words right now. headache.)


As for the rest of it, it's up to you. Some of it just bothered me in how it was worded. It just sounds weird in my head. But seriously, try reading it OUT LOUD to yourself. It helps a lot with flow and general issues like that.
 

Almagest

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Re: The Black Widow [Edited]

Silence reigned for a [whole] minute before I finally caved. “It’s my history class today,” I revealed with a resigned sigh. “We’ve been debating a different issue every day this week.”
to

Silence reigned for quite a while before I gave a resigned sigh, caving. "It's my history class today. "We've been debating a new issue every day this week," I revealed, looking ___" (dejected? I'm at a loss of words right now. headache.)

How about this?

Silence reigned for a whole minute before I finally caved. “It’s my history class today. We’ve been debating a different issue every day this week.”

As for the rest of it, it's up to you. Some of it just bothered me in how it was worded. It just sounds weird in my head. But seriously, try reading it OUT LOUD to yourself. It helps a lot with flow and general issues like that.

I'll try that =) Thanks for taking the time to read and critique. I really appreciate it =)
 

Annoyance

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Re: The Black Widow [Edited]

How about this?

Silence reigned for a whole minute before I finally caved. “It’s my history class today. We’ve been debating a different issue every day this week.”



I'll try that =) Thanks for taking the time to read and critique. I really appreciate it =)
Yeah, that sounds fine.
Hm... Maybe in your story as well, you should try to use facial expression. Body language is sometimes the best kind of communication. :D


And it's no problem at all.
 

Almagest

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Re: The Black Widow [Edited]

[content deleted]

(Because I'm paranoid about people stealing my stuff. =P)
 
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Camilo101

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Re: The Black Widow [Edited]

I thought this was really well-done, especially the dialogue. Something I notice with many people who post stuff is that when the characters talk it sounds like they're trying to force their attitude/personality. But the way the characters talk in here just seems natural, like how the main character reacted when she was assigned to learn sword-fighting.

Also, the descriptions are very logical, and that's great. They're short and to the point, while at the same time you get an accurate sense of what the room looks like/what the character's feeling/doing. I know some people like when authors write "vividly descriptive imagery/metaphors and personifications" and all that, but personally when I read a story I just want to know what's going on as easily as possible. So yeah, excellent job and keep it up.
 

Annoyance

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Re: The Black Widow [Edited]

Hey on a side note, does anyone know the rules with doing next chapters? Are you supposed to do it in a separate post, or in the same one? Because I was thinking of adding the second chapter to the one I did a few weeks ago, but the thread's really old, and I don't want an admin yelling at me or anything...so is that okay for me to "bump" it up with the second chapter? Please let me know, thanks.

It's fine. Chapter updates are accepted and it's fiiine~.
Don't worry about it. :D
 
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