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The Twelve Crystals.



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Sugar Rush

A crazy sugared high idiot XD
Joined
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has become lost in the world, due to sugar high. ^
Hello to all. this is something that I've been cooking up since middle school and throughout high school. I'm currently stalled, but maybe actually posting pieces and parts will get the juices going again... who knows? Now, since i can't really remember when i started this, i won't greatly protest that some of this isn't original, considering some parts may be based on KH and other stuff. But for the most part, i HOPE it is. So, read it, comment, red pen it, make suggestions... i don't mind. I just ask for honesty for whatever you do. k... here's the first chapter...


Chapter One: The Dream

Once in a time before time was even born, there were twelve different dimensions, each different in their own ways. They were connected to each other through ways they could not fathom. Guarding each dimension were the High Elves. Each had a special ability to call their own and could travel freely from one dimension to the next. Each also had a world to care for yet sadly there was a thirteenth elf who longed for a place of his own and felt left out many a time. So, in his quest, he traveled to the core of all the worlds, the place where all was connected and unleashed an evil that the Great One had locked away. The elf was possessed by it and experienced greed and acquired a lust for power. To aid him to that affect, he made a crystal that turned black in color.

Once the other elves had learned of this, they were deeply saddened and prepared for war with heavy hearts. While preparing their worlds and themselves for battle, each of the twelve put forth their abilities into separate crystals. After gathering their forces, the leader of them made this prophecy, "If we are to die in this upcoming war, these crystals, our abilities, will live on. Yet only the descendent's of each of us shall be able to use them, and unlock the potential within them. But sadly, none would have our memories, nor will they know what makes these crystals so unique. If evil was to rear its ugly mane in their time, it would be up to them to finish the fight. Let us hope that where we fail, they may prevail. MAY THE FATES BE WITH US!!!"

The battle that issued forth was long, bloody, and terrible. Many people from many worlds, both good and evil, died upon the fields of battle. For a time, the High Elves were winning, but then the Lone Elf struck a terrible blow with his crystal. He destroyed the core, thus disrupting all of the connections between the worlds and more people on each side died in the aftermath of explosions. But, a miracle came to be. A small universe was born at what was left of the core. A world that would be called, Earth.

The twelve lost, but as foretold, their crystals survived. The twelve then decided to go into hiding and live among the remaining mortals, evading the Lone Elf. They sealed off whatever surviving connections had reconnected themselves to the newest world. For a time, they hid. Each in their own, with one also visiting the newest world. But eventually the Lone Elf found them. Mad that they had managed to evade him for so long, he tried to have his crystal destroy its brethen. But the twelve sacraficed themselves so that their crystals would be the first to strike him down. But the plan half-failed. He was critically injured, but managed to survive. He then tried again to destroy the other crystals, but alas the plan half-failed. Only a shard was knocked off each crystal. Then the shards and the crystals fled to all worlds, including the newest one, scattering themselves so that they could be hidden. The lone elf then retreated into the darkness, to give himself time to heal. To this day, the shards and crystals lie in wait for their descendents. Waiting to be reclaimed, to be discovered and to have themselves renewed. So that the battle may be finished once and for all. Now, my friend, let's see how this tale ends.....


and that's chapter one... let me know what you think.
 

Amalthea

When in doubt: C4.
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Hm...idk what to think atm, but write more, and I'll let you know for sure. So far, it sounds kinda interesting...
 

Sugar Rush

A crazy sugared high idiot XD
Joined
Oct 12, 2007
Messages
1,642
Location
has become lost in the world, due to sugar high. ^
yea! my first customer! well, i'll get to doing chapter two some time tonight if i'm not too busy with easter preparations. lol. and i'll probably just add it to this post to avoid double posting, unless more people post.. but thanks for reading whats here so far!
 

Amalthea

When in doubt: C4.
Joined
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You're welcome. I like reading people's stories. But I will need more before I can give you any real advice...
 

Sugar Rush

A crazy sugared high idiot XD
Joined
Oct 12, 2007
Messages
1,642
Location
has become lost in the world, due to sugar high. ^
ok.. here's chapter two now... srry it took so long.. an really good rp been taking up my time.. lol.. but here it is! it might be a little long to type so it might come in two parts or so... but here we go!

Chapter Two: The Gift

The insistent sound of the alarm disturbed his peaceful sleep, with its annoying yet loud obnoxious 'beep beep' every two seconds. The young man stirs in his sheets, fails about an hand and an arm, searching for the magical button that would turn the darn thing off. His fingers find it, and it goes silent. He mumbles, "Thirty more minutes....zzzz" And he falls back into sleeps embrace which doesn't last for long. For ten minutes later, the buzzer goes off again, being even more persistent than usually. The man just ignores it, rolling over in bed, which decides to do two things. The first was to give him a electrical shock, which gets a muffled yelp out of him and then the second was to flip vertically into the air which flopped him to the floor. Before the guy could collect himself, the phone on the nearby nightstand started to ring. He grumbled about not getting enough sleep and picked it up with a sleepy, yet hoarse, "Hello?"

"Oh, good morning CHRIS!!!" The voice on the other end shouted out the last part like it was something to get mad about. Chris just grimaced and replied, "Oh, boy. What do you want Bob?"

"My NAME isn't BOB! You are to call me CHIEF!! GOT IT!! Anyway's I'm really mad that you're trying to quit--" and Chris just promptly hung up and said, "Get lost." He then stretched a bit and then asked out loud, "Hey, house! What time is it?" A hole opened up in the ceiling and blared, IT IS 10:43 AM. ON FRIDAY, AUGUS...

"Woah, hold on! I didn't ask for the date, ya know!"

I HAVE TO SAY IT ALL. IT IS A PART OF MY DUTIES.

"Still, I only wanted the time."

`````````````````
ok.. sorry.. my fingers are getting cold.. i'll come back and finish up part one soon! seriously! ow...

alright.. now i'l try to finish part one here... lol.

`````````````````

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

"How about five more hours of sleep, huh?"

IT IS WELL PAST TIME FOR YOU TO BE UP. I WON'T ALLOW YOU TO SLEEP THE WHOLE DAY AWAY AGAIN. NOT TILL YOU MAKE SOME EFFORT AT AN ACTIVITY.

"Jeez... you sure are cranky in the morning... Ok... I'll go get dressed and whatnot." The hole sealed itself and Chris meanered into the nearby bathroom, and proceded to get showered and whatnot. Once he was done, he came back to his bedroom and put on boxers, jean shorts and a t-shirt that read, I'M RIGHT. YOU'RE WRONG. ANY QUESTIONS? on the front of it. He then proceded to put on black biker gloves and then finished up with socks and steel toed combat boots. Feeling dressed, he starts to walk toward his kitchen when he hears the doorbell ring. He steers from his course and proceeds down the hallway toward the front door. Along the way, he passes a mirror and he pauses to look at himself. Dark brown hair with a hint of golden brown, ice blue eyes and a grim yet somewhat young face looked back at him. He smiled a bit and continued on his way. The doorbell rang again right as soon as he neared it and the house irritably blares out, THERE IS SOMEONE AT THE DOOR! He shakes his head while he grabs the knob and says, "I'm right here ya know.." He doesn't recieve a response. He opens the door to see a young man standing on his porch who exclaimed, "Chris! Wow, i didn't think you would be home!"

"Wha... Devin? What.. What are you doing here?" He looked at Devin and saw that much hadn't changed. Devin was wearing what looked like standard combat-ready clothes with a vest over them and he still had his jet black hair. His brown eyes twinkled and he said, "Geez, that wasn't a response I would expect! Now let me in! Its freezing out here!" Chris smiles and stands aside so he could come in. When he passed, Chris closed the door, faced his friend and retorted, "It's eighty degrees out and you're freezing? Get out of here, but seriously, why are you here?" He crossed his arms and waited for Devin to compose himself. Devin just gave a half smile and replied, "I heard some news about you and i thought i would come by. And you look tired as hell."

"Well, you would be too, if your bed kept trying to throw you out and you're getting phone every two hours from the chief."

"I seriously don't know why you quit in the first place, but hey, your call. But hey, if you want help getting a new job, I think I found one that you might like." Chris narrowed his eyes a bit and said, "You know fully well why i did, and besides, with my reputation, I don't think I have to worry about getting a new job. What I meant was why aren't you in Egypt? I thought you were on assignment for the rest of the month?"

"Well, they called me back a couple of days ago, for a stupid reason, but hey! I'm not one to sweat it!" Devin chuckles and then continues, "But yeah, when i did get back and heard what you had did, I did a little digging through the job boards and found something that might be suitable for you. I went to check it out and it was just... wow.. dang... Trust me when i say you need to see this for yourself."

"That's exactly why I'm begining to worry."

"Oh! Your no fun at all! But yeah, lets get going and i'll get ya there. But before we do, I have something for ya! I had gotten you a cheap good luck charm while i was down in Egypt." Devin reached into a vest pocket and pulled out a simple box. Before he handed it over though, he warned, "Though I should tell you to be carefull. It burns whoever touches the darn thing. And most of the times its third degree burns."

```````

ok... i'm starting to think my fingers are going to fall off between this.. and the rp.. ow... but now i'm definitly going to just post little bits of chapter two, to try to save my fingers some headaches.. ow... be back soon and hopefully on a different post....
 
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Sugar Rush

A crazy sugared high idiot XD
Joined
Oct 12, 2007
Messages
1,642
Location
has become lost in the world, due to sugar high. ^
Yep. just to let all others that read this as well, i have nine chapters completed and am currently stuck on the tenth... XD and so without a further delay! XD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With that warning delivered he handed over the box which Chris took with some hesitation. He slowly took off the lid and saw a pink shard lying on some type of wool. It was sparkeling in the way most crystals do and he look at Devin and asked, "How am I supposed to wear it and what not? And where there more of these lying around at the place that you got this from? I wouldn't have bought just the one shard..." Devin shook his head no and replied, "Nope. That was the only one of that kind. Its a real crystal as far as i can tell, but its just so odd how it burns people. But it doesn't burn through clothes, so you can wear it on the outside." Chris then looks back down at the shard and says, "Well, its not that i don't trust you, but i'm going to touch it anyway."
"What? Are you even listening?"
"Of course i was! I just want to see what a shard of a real crystal feels like, before the intense pain of being burned enters my mind."
"Well, its your hand, so go ahead if you want, you dope." Chris just smirks and takes his free hand and lightly touches the shard with his index finger. He sees Devin flinch in the corner of his eye, but while Chris touched the shard, he was slightly amazed at how... smooth it was... and after a minute passed of nothing happening, he looked up and said, "How long does it take to get burned anyway? I'm not feeling anything. Its actually cool to the touch." Devin looks down at it and replies, "Maybe.. maybe it was absorbing too much of the sun out in Egpyt... But anyway, go ahead put it on! And lets get going!" Devin goes over to the door and goes outside, while Chris takes the shard out of the package and sees that a string was already attached to it. He flips the string around his neck and then tucks the shard underneath his shirt and promptly follows Devin outside, closing the door behind him.

**************************

Thirteen pairs of eyes stared at an orb that was resting on a pedestal made of human arms and hands. A voice cuts through the silence saying, "Where is the girl?" Despite being nothing but a whisper, it resounded with power. A weedy thin voice answered, "We... We've... She has disappeared, my liege... We lost track of her. She is no longer on her own world anymore..." Then suddenly the sound of something coming detached followed by the slooshing sound of spilled blood replaced the voice and the first voice said, "I'm most displeased... And all of you, listen up." The remaining twelve eyes turn to look at the orgin of the voice and the pair of eyes it belonged to. "Find her at all costs. She must not meet one of the twelve. And despite this young man's early awakening... we must kill him... before he discovers what is hidden within himself. Kill both of them, for if she meets him or any of the others, that is where our doom begins. DO NOT FAIL ME." The voice lasps into silence. One of the twelve pairs of eyes then speaks, "We must find her and must find out what world he lives in. Despite his early awakening, he doesn't have the full crystal at his side. Thus it should relatively be easy to destroy him. But we must find this girl." As one, the eyes return to stare at the orb.

~~~~

and that is all for now! please let me know hows it going! comments will surely not go unappreciated! :D
 

darkisaac

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Your writing isn't bad, although there are some things you might wanna keep in mind when writing; For example, the first chapter is very informational, but it's presented in a dreary fashion. You start with the phrase

"Once in a time..."

Which is frankly just as bad as saying "Once upon a time"

It's kind of amateurish, and it's something that can be easily fixed by changing your opening sentence.

Furthermore, the first chapter should probably be put as a prologue, and if you could, you should present it differently, perhaps in a scene where an old man is reciting it as a legend to his grandson, or somehow two character's mention it. But to just put out all that information out there by means of a narrator is very reminiscent of tales like Snow White, or Cinderella, where they start out with the cliche'd and trite "Once upon a time, there was a princess who liked to..."

Remember, when people read your writing for the first time, it's the first few pages (Or in your case, the first few paragraphs since your chapters aren't too long) that catch the reader's attention. If you start out in such a bland way, a lot of people won't even bother reading the rest.

Also, one of the characters is named Bob? Bob is not a name people use often unless it's a comedy or you're talking about a hick. Maybe you could try giving him a more normal name? Even Rob sounds better. But I don't know maybe the Bob thing is just my opinion. lol

Anyways, keep up the good work, like I said, your writing isn't bad, you just need to work out some details.
 

Sugar Rush

A crazy sugared high idiot XD
Joined
Oct 12, 2007
Messages
1,642
Location
has become lost in the world, due to sugar high. ^
Your writing isn't bad, although there are some things you might wanna keep in mind when writing; For example, the first chapter is very informational, but it's presented in a dreary fashion. You start with the phrase

"Once in a time..."

Which is frankly just as bad as saying "Once upon a time"

It's kind of amateurish, and it's something that can be easily fixed by changing your opening sentence.

Furthermore, the first chapter should probably be put as a prologue, and if you could, you should present it differently, perhaps in a scene where an old man is reciting it as a legend to his grandson, or somehow two character's mention it. But to just put out all that information out there by means of a narrator is very reminiscent of tales like Snow White, or Cinderella, where they start out with the clichéd and trite "Once upon a time, there was a princess who liked to..."

Remember, when people read your writing for the first time, it's the first few pages (Or in your case, the first few paragraphs since your chapters aren't too long) that catch the reader's attention. If you start out in such a bland way, a lot of people won't even bother reading the rest.

Also, one of the characters is named Bob? Bob is not a name people use often unless it's a comedy or you're talking about a hick. Maybe you could try giving him a more normal name? Even Rob sounds better. But I don't know maybe the Bob thing is just my opinion. lol

Anyways, keep up the good work, like I said, your writing isn't bad, you just need to work out some details.

ok, that's a good comment! XD so lets see... hmm... well, as for the part where to present the first chapter different, there's a reason why it was put the way it is now, it just won't become inherent till later. and as for Bob, i couldn't come up with a better name for this guy, as he really will play a bigger role in the story. but as all good web comic people do, i can't spill all my beans! XD XD but as for the first sentence, yeah... it does need something different, but as of right now, i just want to get the first two chapters out of the way and then go back and edit. XD what i tend to do is write a few chapters and then go and edit again. and then retype it from there.. and so on and so on... thus why this has been worked on so much since middle school... XD but here's some more of chapter two for those who don't really care about my editing problems and just want to read. :D and btw, one more thing, in case people miss this on my first post. since i been working on this for so long, parts are based on Kingdom Hearts while other parts are based on other genres. but all the outlines and such have been done during middle school... so yeah... its been evolving... XD

~~~~~~~~

She jerked awake with a start and lifted her head to look around. All of her senses said that something unnatural woke her up. She didn't see anything but she heard something squeaking nearby in the darkness. It was probably only a rat.... she thought and she convinced herself that was what had woke her up. She slowly gets up to her feet, amazed that she had somehow managed to fall asleep on the cold, hard rocky ground, but she couldn't remember the last time she had time to sleep. She continued to scan the area with her eyes, but didn't see anything out of the ordinary. If you call falling asleep on the ground in a dank, gloomy tunnel ordinary. The constant drip of water drops falling from the ceiling pierced the silence of the tunnel as she slowly walked over to a little pool of water that was nearby. She knelt down and looked at her reflection. A young women with dark reddish brown hair with some bangs, blue eyes with a hint of green and a face covered in dirt, grime and mud, stared back at her. She destroyed the reflection by splashing water onto her face in a vain effort to remove the filth from her face. She sighs, and returns to a standing position and looks back toward the entrance of the tunnel. The sunlight was still shining into the mouth, but the light failed to pierce the gloom any further than that. She shivers and turns rather deliberately to head further down the unknown. She pauses for a bit though, wishing that she could've at least dress in something a bit warmer than a sleeveless shirt, a thigh length skirt and slip on shoes. She then starts forward, not bothering to turn back, and if she had, she would've seen a shadowy figure remove itself from the shadows near the entrance and follow her deeper into the tunnel.

********

Once they were outside, Chris and Devin had a little argument about whose car to take. Devin had a Navy Blue BMW X5 while Chris just had a plain cherry red 2005 convertible slug bug. The most beautiful and the fastest, Devin's would've won by a long shot. But sadly, Chris's car was more reliable, thus they piled themselves into his car and the car started itself up and gave off a beep and asked WHERE TO? and then it gave off another beep. Devin looks at Chris and asks, "I thought you were going to fix its beeping problem?" Chris just replies, "Nah. Its grown on me and the car actually likes how it is now, so why bother?" The car beeps again before saying, YEP! NOW, WHERE TO? and then another beep followed. Chris then looks at Devin who in answer just types a series of coordinates into the keypad that was on the radio console. Chris then asks, "Where are we going exactly?" Devin finishes typing in the numbers and presses enter and replies, "You'll see soon enough. Just enjoy the ride!" Chris shakes his head as the seat belts materialize and fasten themselves around the two of them and the car pulls out of the driveway and proceeds onward to the destination. Fifth-teen minutes later, they were coasting smoothly on the interstate and while on their way, Chris fell asleep. Devin had tried to keep him awake but soon gave up, grumbling. Thus the trip was made in silence. The scenery slowly changed from city limits into pleasant fields of grains and flowers. Then they slowly made their way into the beginings of a mountain range. The car then turned off onto a exit ramp which soon turned into a graveled road. They drove down the road for a bit when they pulled into a clearing and the car rolls to a stop. It gave off its classic beeps and announced that they had arrived. Devin then wakes Chris up and tells him to get out. Chris, while grumbling, comply's and looks around the clearing a bit while he stretched. There were scattered trees all over the place, with various cars and trucks parked throughout the place. He then saw a path meandering into the woods away from the clearing. Chris gave Devin a quizzical look but Devin just smiles and starts walking toward the path. Chris follows but not sure what was going to happen next.

~~~~~~

till next time! :D :cool:
 

Sugar Rush

A crazy sugared high idiot XD
Joined
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Messages
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Location
has become lost in the world, due to sugar high. ^
ok... i seriously want to get back to posting this story.. and i'm now gonna have to be hellbent on doing double posting even though its somewhat against the rules... XD but considering how long it has been since anybody has replied to my latest installment... XD i'm just gonna go ahead and keep going... XD so later tonight, if the computer permits. >.< i will post the next installement...
 

Almagest

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This story sounds pretty good. Just be careful about the tenses you use. You're switching between past and present all the time--choose one and stick with it. I noticed some spelling errors also, but they weren't too bad.

Personally, I think you should completely cut out your first chapter. Leave the reader in the dark about the true nature of the crystals/shards and you'll build quite a lot of suspense/tension. You can have some wise person relay the entire story to the main character(s) later on =P
 

Sugar Rush

A crazy sugared high idiot XD
Joined
Oct 12, 2007
Messages
1,642
Location
has become lost in the world, due to sugar high. ^
This story sounds pretty good. Just be careful about the tenses you use. You're switching between past and present all the time--choose one and stick with it. I noticed some spelling errors also, but they weren't too bad.

Personally, I think you should completely cut out your first chapter. Leave the reader in the dark about the true nature of the crystals/shards and you'll build quite a lot of suspense/tension. You can have some wise person relay the entire story to the main character(s) later on =P

gah... >.< my weakness has been found... XD tenses and i have a love-hate relationship.... >.> but hopefully i can get better at it. and while that is a good idea for editions later on, this isn't really the finalized version... XD but there is a reason why this is the way it is set up now. though i can't say more till i get more up. >.< which for odd reasons... my computer is being strange..... like always... but probally will get one up later...
 

Sugar Rush

A crazy sugared high idiot XD
Joined
Oct 12, 2007
Messages
1,642
Location
has become lost in the world, due to sugar high. ^
okies.. XD finally i somehow got permission to type in the thread here from my computer.. XD *curses it* XD

but anyways.. XD here's the next part for those that actually read this... XD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Huh?" The girl's head swivels a bit to try to take a better look at the wall to her left. She had caught something out of the corner of her eye, and she then turns to lean toward the wall to get a better look. And her efforts were somewhat rewarded, for there seemed to be something etched into the wall. But two factors kept her from truly getting a good look at the mark. For one, despite no obvious source of light, the tunnel was very gloomy, and reason number two was the fact that she didn't have a light. She shrugs though, and backs away from the wall, shaking her head in disgust. She had managed to see that it was some sort of image, but sadly, had been unable to be sure what it was an image of.

She sighs, thinking that it probably wasn't important anyways, and turns to continue down the way she had been going. About ten minutes later though, she comes to a dead end. She stops in her tracks, then stumbles forward, disbelief in her eyes. She slaps her hands against it, the sound echoing around her. She then lightly put her forehead to the wall while tears started to form in her eyes. She slides down to her knees, crying, "No!! No! No! NO!!" The tunnel echo's back the cry, which made her start to sob, "This... This... this can't be!! Not... after coming this far!!!" She then curls up into a ball, finally letting the tears flow....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris was stunned for the moment. He had followed Devin along the path through the trees, only to come to another clearing. On the far side, set into the mountain a bit, was a cave. There wasn't anything really grand about the cave itself, although it was on the large size abit. Though that wasn't what had stopped him in his tracks. For about five feet away, off to the left of the cave entrance, was a man wearing a security uniform. Who had happen to be sitting on a tree stump that had a pillow on it, and was staring at a laptop, which the man was supporting on his legs. Chris takes a glance, and doesn't see any sort of wires coming from the machine, thus confusing him some more.

Chris looks at Devin, but once more Devin just smiles and starts to walk forward toward the guard, who was busily typing away on the laptop. Chris, who was hesitant at first, quickly scrambles to catch up with Devin, when suddenly a sign pops out of nowhere that had bright bold red letters with the warning, COME FORWARD AT OWN RISK!! ELECTRIC FENCE AHEAD!!

**********

ok.. my comp is now starting up stupid stuff again.. XD so i'll continue when able... XD
 
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