Belief in Jesus Christ is only what you want it to be. If you don't believe in him or don't want to believe that he can do what many say he can do then...you probably won't see any result, however even not believing in something can cause things out of the ordinary to happen which sometimes make you see what you were missing for so long.
I myself know this feeling. When my father died i was wondering and continuously asked myself why?..Why did this have to happen to my family?....I kept thinking to myself..He won't get to see me graduate, He won't get to meet his grandchildren, He won't get to see the man that his son will grow up to be......
Thinking from where i was:From being diagnosed with Crohn's Disease, to being in a constant fog of darkness, to having to fight an almost unbearable fight to keep me & my girlfriend's relationship together(not between us but everyone around us), to trying to control the rage inside me i always knew was there and trying to keep it from overflowing and taking control, to now having my father pass away...
It was something that hit me hard, and i asked myself why it was happening to me...for the entire 4 years i have been in highschool, it just seemed like torment after torment being inflicted on my life....
But you know what..i realized that even though he's gone physically..he will always be in my heart...Looking back i can clearly see the signs telling me that my dad wasn't going to be here any longer...from the way he acted around us, to the fights.arguing we did constantly, to him not taking care of himself anymore like he used to, and him just being constantly consumed by his work...but the thing that was more obvious than the others was he left on his trip to Ohio, without saying goodbye to us, and he seemed to forget things...and trust me my father wasn't one to forget...But the one thing that made me realize it was coming was looking back at the fight we had in the car last summer-i did it on purpose so he wouldn't be able to walk away....in that fight all i had to say was let loose and my dad said what he had to say, no matter what it did to me inside....He told me that my girlfriend wasn't good enough for me, he told me that i will never know what it was like to lose a father and have to grow up supporting my family, he broke me down....well you know what...now i do know what it's like to lose a father at a young age, and he was wrong about my girlfriend....he just didn't know her (and he has a personal thing against hispanic people in general) i now know what my father had to go through, but the good thing is i don't have to struggle as hard as he did....
I used to think it was because god hated me and that he wanted me to suffer, but i realized that things in this life happen for a reason....the bad things happen to make people see what they are missing in life, it helps them appreciate it more. It's been hard for me but through faith...and support from those around me i've managed to keep control of myself...and trust me it's been hard.
Imagine the symbiote from Spiderman 3 taking over Peters body and turning him into a person, who's core is nothing but rage, lust, sorrow, angst, and hate. Upon getting rid of said symbiote Eddie is taken over by that same darkness...but unlike Peter, Eddie likes this power-her relies on it, it makes him who is it-he doesn't care what it does to him or where it takes him...he just wants that power...to feel alive..
You could say thats a lot like me...This storm or torment that was looming over me..it took control all at once and i couldn't see the light..i found myself lashing out at the people who were hurting just like me..and only making things worse than they were, only because in my sorrow-my darkness did nothing but lash out at others to keep them at bay....but i realized what i was becoming and decided i had to stop it.....and so i did...it still calls me back at times..but it's nothing like it used to be...
"Revenge like a poison...It can consume you, if you let it"
Because of my faith in not only my family, my friends, and my girlfriend as well as myself, but i also had faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and faith that my father was/ still is looking down on me..protecting me...never allow me to take on more than i myself can handle....
I said it once and i'll say it a second time....Faith in the Lord is only what you make of it..if you believe than you do, if you don't you don't.....for me faith is basically the only thing that has gotten me through the tough times...
your friend
~ the Fallen Angel~
