Sorry for the delay. Anyway the first thing I noticed is that this reminds me a lot of the fanfic I'm currently working on, lol. Mine is more of a research journal than a personal journal (plus the use of the original KH lore mixed in with most of the lore from my slightly AU fanfiction that I worked on earlier).
Now, on to the specifics:
CHAPTER I:
"It's"
"Existence"
You're missing an "it" between "what" and "is"
"don't"
"detrimental"
"inefficient"
Personally, I think you should remove the first comma and omit the last segment entirely. Seems like it would flow better that way.
CHAPTER II:
"Existent" for the first line, and I think you meant "Existence" in the second.
"believe"
"separated"
I'd suggest a semicolon after "XIII"
Omit the comma.
"remembrance"
Comma after "time".
**********
Unfortunately, it's difficult for me to comment on the grammar (given the nature of the piece); but overall, it was solid in that department. There were a few minor spelling errors that I pointed out, but it seems fairly well edited (though a little more wouldn't hurt).
As for the story itself, I really like the concept (which should make sense, given what I said initially). It's a difficult type of story to keep up, as it is even more limited (in theory) than a typical first-person narrative. All the same, you seem to be doing a good job of it so far. Though, I would suggest that you spend ample time with the character development (as this type of story hinges on that).
Nice job, and keep it up!
Now, on to the specifics:
CHAPTER I:
Its an interesting sensation, you know
"It's"
Non Existance is impossible to describe without actually experiencing it
"Existence"
That is what is like to be a Nobody
You're missing an "it" between "what" and "is"
does not mean we dont have goals
"don't"
We feel it, and we know that it is detremental to our health
"detrimental"
It is very inefficent to kill a Nobody for existing
"inefficient"
It is my intent to have whoever reads this contemplate this question, the next time they raise a blade to one of our kind, supposing one of us is sighted.
Personally, I think you should remove the first comma and omit the last segment entirely. Seems like it would flow better that way.
CHAPTER II:
One reason is that a journal written by a Non Existant One is proof that it existed / our Proofs of Existant in the fortress
"Existent" for the first line, and I think you meant "Existence" in the second.
Another reason is because I beleive history will
"believe"
Where the strongest are seperated from their hearts
"separated"
Organization XIII, of their goals, of their members, their ideals, their demise.
I'd suggest a semicolon after "XIII"
We took the dead, and brought it back
Omit the comma.
Organization out of rememberance to those
"remembrance"
the buildings, and for the time lowered
Comma after "time".
**********
Unfortunately, it's difficult for me to comment on the grammar (given the nature of the piece); but overall, it was solid in that department. There were a few minor spelling errors that I pointed out, but it seems fairly well edited (though a little more wouldn't hurt).
As for the story itself, I really like the concept (which should make sense, given what I said initially). It's a difficult type of story to keep up, as it is even more limited (in theory) than a typical first-person narrative. All the same, you seem to be doing a good job of it so far. Though, I would suggest that you spend ample time with the character development (as this type of story hinges on that).
Nice job, and keep it up!