Fanfiction ► Splintered Heart

[Nyangoro]

Sorry for the delay. Anyway the first thing I noticed is that this reminds me a lot of the fanfic I'm currently working on, lol. Mine is more of a research journal than a personal journal (plus the use of the original KH lore mixed in with most of the lore from my slightly AU fanfiction that I worked on earlier).

Now, on to the specifics:

CHAPTER I:

Its an interesting sensation, you know

"It's"

Non Existance is impossible to describe without actually experiencing it

"Existence"

That is what is like to be a Nobody

You're missing an "it" between "what" and "is"

does not mean we dont have goals

"don't"

We feel it, and we know that it is detremental to our health

"detrimental"

It is very inefficent to kill a Nobody for existing

"inefficient"

It is my intent to have whoever reads this contemplate this question, the next time they raise a blade to one of our kind, supposing one of us is sighted.

Personally, I think you should remove the first comma and omit the last segment entirely. Seems like it would flow better that way.

CHAPTER II:

One reason is that a journal written by a Non Existant One is proof that it existed / our Proofs of Existant in the fortress

"Existent" for the first line, and I think you meant "Existence" in the second.

Another reason is because I beleive history will

"believe"

Where the strongest are seperated from their hearts

"separated"

Organization XIII, of their goals, of their members, their ideals, their demise.

I'd suggest a semicolon after "XIII"

We took the dead, and brought it back

Omit the comma.

Organization out of rememberance to those

"remembrance"

the buildings, and for the time lowered

Comma after "time".

**********

Unfortunately, it's difficult for me to comment on the grammar (given the nature of the piece); but overall, it was solid in that department. There were a few minor spelling errors that I pointed out, but it seems fairly well edited (though a little more wouldn't hurt).

As for the story itself, I really like the concept (which should make sense, given what I said initially). It's a difficult type of story to keep up, as it is even more limited (in theory) than a typical first-person narrative. All the same, you seem to be doing a good job of it so far. Though, I would suggest that you spend ample time with the character development (as this type of story hinges on that).

Nice job, and keep it up!

 

[Exvind]

Heh, welp, those first two were written months ago, so I might've skimmed a bit. Heh, but thanks anyway. Truly appreciate it.

 

[TwilightRiku_13]

Oh my goodness, Nilex was seen crying?!?! Huh, I wonder why. Was it because of Ari? Part of me believes that is the reason, but I'm still not sure. Oh well, I'm sure all will be revealed in due time. Anyway, great job, and I look forward to more.

 

[khfreak17]

that last part didnt sound too good......... i hope nilex will be okay

 

[Nyangoro]

Heh, welp, those first two were written months ago, so I might've skimmed a bit. Heh, but thanks anyway. Truly appreciate it.

Pfft!

Anyway, I'll do the two most recent ones in the next day or so

 

[Dawn Rebirth]

In my story Elixn's theory is that hearts of a nobody that are not in the form of a heartless can link a connection to the nobody producing real emotions, so I agree with Nilex's theory. (in some sense)

 

[Exvind]

Hey. Guess what. I'm back. And I'll be bringing a new chapter with me tomorrow. So....be patient, and enjoy.

 

[Dawn Rebirth]

The suspense tends to kill you know.

 

[Exvind]

Well. I owe the world an apology. Unfortunately, life got in the way, and let us just say that I've been without access to the net or my creative muse for the past few months. I'll attempt to continue the story soon. My humble apologies.

 

[Evello]

Awesome, this is probably my favorite fanfic here right now, so I was bummed when it disappeared. And don't worry about apologizing; I'm just glad you're back.

 

[TwilightRiku_13]

Wow, I had almost totally forgotten about this fanfic, but I am glad to see you back, Exvind. Hope to see another chapter soon.

 

[Dawn Rebirth]

One cannot help what one cannot help, I look forward to the resurrection of this fan-fic.

 

[Exvind]

- Untitled Entry -

She said yes. Of course she would. She is driven by what would appear to be love. Or simple affection. I simply do not know. Perhaps she still feels some lingering loyalty to the Organization, or perhaps she has some internal motivation to aid us. I can only speculate. The Council has requested that I remain in the World That Never Was...stating that my unusual state may put me as a liability out in the field. It is understandable. A Nobody responding in earnest to emotional stimuli. However, due to my experiences, they are granting me some measure of authority to further investigate the Union. Information will be relayed to me, and in turn I shall direct actions and assign missions as I deem necessary based on Ari's findings.

I..."felt" some hesitation in asking her to do this for the Organization. There is every possibility that her identity may be compromised, or that perhaps she may not find them at all. Still. She had a talent for imitating emotion and varied personas even without her heart. It would not be any surprise if she were even more capable...


----------------------------



Dear Diary,

I met with Nilex today! I was so happy to see him, I totally started crying. I couldn't help myself! It was embarrassing, but still, I was starting to think that he'd forgotten all about me. We talked for a little while, and I'd told him about my studio, my paintings, the books I'd been reading, and he told me about the worlds he'd visited. Oh the places he described...well, he did it in that cold, scientific way, but still, they sounded wonderful! I could have just listened to him talk for hours! I wish he had brought his violin...but I'm getting distracted...he didn't come just to see me. No matter how much I wish he did, he didn't.

He...he told me some scary things. He mentioned an attack, and something called the Union. It sounded like any other psychotic, racist cult, and he wanted me to find them, and...well, spy on them. How could I say no? Nilex...well, I care for him deeply. And even though I couldn't really show it back then, the Organization was my family. If I didn't help them...well, it would be mean, AND they'd probably remove me as a liability...that's the part of getting your heart back that isn't so glamorous. You can look back, and suddenly know how you would have felt in any number of situations.

Anyway. Now I've got a mission! If I can help Nilex in anyway, I will! And...well, maybe I can help him find his Heart. And then...

Well. I can dream, can't I?

-Ari

 

[TwilightRiku_13]

Hooray!!! A new update!!! Seriously, it is really great to see you back and updating, Exvind; this is one of my favorite fanfics. Anyway, back to the story. So, Ari is back and helping the Org. as a spy, huh? I had a feeling that she would still help them, especially since she still has feelings for Nilex, but I can't shake the feeling that things are not going to go well. I don't know why, but I just can't see things going as planned. Anyway, great job, and I look forward to more.

 

[Dawn Rebirth]

The resurrection is now complete. It is difficult to tell if Nilex is using Ari or if he actually may be feeling something for her ... ah well I'll just have to wait, welcome back Exvind.