Still good in my opinion Zero, you could use a little bit of more detail, but other than that it was great and funny. i thought they were gonna kill Sparky if they fought him any longer. Good work 
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im glad they didnt kill sparky. i like him.
Lol, I like him to and I wouldnt kill an Experiment thats wrong but I would kill any character instantly.
instantly, wow thats pretty funny. Though I do have 2 say that killing sparky would just be plain out wrong.
Good job on the said. Just a bit of tweaking in your wording/ word choice. Like when you said right in their face twice in the same sentence. But I tottally love how they are in lilo and stitch's world. That just makes it all the better.
XD lol
Nice chapter. Great job, I really meanit.
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1. Need a comma or period.
2. You could use just "they" it gets a little redundant.
3. Need some sort of punctuation again.
4. Punctuation
5. With quotes you don't use a period, you use a comma
6. You don't need to say then, it sounds awkward.
7. Again you don't need to say "the four", they would suffice.
8. Just a repeated word
9. Punctuation
10. You don't really need to say "then" all the time, the sentence would flow better without it.
11. Never start a sentence with "and". Never.
12. Didnt -> didn't
13. Replace "two" with "them" or Kevin and Viktor. Makes it flow better.
14. Don't start sentences with "but" either.
15. No need for so, sentence flow
16. You don't need "and" here, just saying Viktor/the three guys would be good, sentence flow yada yada...
17. Punctuation, but put a period here and start a new sentence with "Their hair was..."
Okay I feel like I was really harsh, but you had a lot of run on sentences(see sentences with multiple 9's, 4's, 3's, or 16's). If you just work on those little things your writing will be tremendously better, you have a good plot, good characters, now all you need to do is polish it up
Now to the good part! You didn't use said, you added in some of those "spicy" words, and your description was very good. This is my favorite chapter so far, keep it up!
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Er :w- what's there to say, good story for one, nice adding Lilo and Stitch, is Lilo a kid seeing as Jumba (or whoever) said that (I think Remi) reminds him of Lilo when she was younger. That's all I got. (still weirded out.)
Thanks and Remi reminds Jumba of Lilo when she was younger. Also its ok NN you really help me out and thanks for doing all that.
Sorry for the double post but no one posted after my last post so I had to. Also sorry that this Chapter is kinda late but Wednesday was my Birthday and I was sick and I got a headache from being on the computer. Thursday I had to do a project and yesterday I didn't have time to write it.
Chapter 12-Two Stitch's
They ran towards the mountain and before they started to walk up it they all looked up and saw a black fog covering some of the mountain.
"This looks bad so lets hurry," Said Viktor and they all started to walk on the long path to the top.
~~
"Finally we made it," They all looked pretty exhausted but they quickly got over it once they heard someone. They saw Stitch's back and he growled.
"Stitch are you alright?" Asked Remi and Stitch slowly turned around. He had pitch black eyes, darker fur, his two other hands were out along with his antennas, and he had a wide grin on his face. They backed up because they instantly knew something was wrong and Stitch put one of his hands out and did a "C'mon" motion, while laughing insanely. "No im not going to fight you." Yelled Remi.
"Loser. Hahahahahaha," Stitch launched himself at Remi and was about to punch him when something knocked him out of the way and onto a lower part of the mountain. When they looked at what it was, they saw two Stitch's.
"That's not Stitch." They turned around and noticed Lilo standing behind them with a container and an Experiment caught inside it. "Its a copy of him with the dark matter that's inside the other Experiments."
Remi nodded and they all looked back down at the fight between the two Stitch's but it was hard to tell who was winning because the moved at a fast pace.
Then the fight slowed down and the real Stitch was looking exhausted but the fake one didn't care and he kept punching. Stitch then fell near the edge and as he looked toward the bottom of the edge he saw raging waters below. The fake Stitch laughed insanely and at that moment Remi jumped into action. He threw the container on his back in the air and jumped down to the fight. Kevin grinned as he caught the container, towards what Remi was doing for Stitch.
Right before the fake was going to punch Stitch off the edge, Remi came in and knocked him into a corner away from Stitch. "Stitch are you alright?" Remi waited and Stitch started to get up.
"Im go..od," He rubbed his head and began to stare at a piece of wood. He stopped rubbing his head and started to smile and ran at the piece of wood. He began to carve the wood with his hands in a vigorous way and Remi stared in confusion. When he was done, he revealed a small guitar and the fake was starting to get up.
"Stitch I could use your help." Remi then started to step back and watched the fake closely. Stitch put the guitar on his back and stood next to Remi and the fake got up and stared at the two and laughed.
~End~
Nothing really to this Chapter but hopefully you all like it.
Chapter 12-Two Stitch's
They ran towards the mountain and before they started to walk up it they all looked up and saw a black fog covering some of the mountain.
"This looks bad so lets hurry," Said Viktor and they all started to walk on the long path to the top.
~~
"Finally we made it," They all looked pretty exhausted but they quickly got over it once they heard someone. They saw Stitch's back and he growled.
"Stitch are you alright?" Asked Remi and Stitch slowly turned around. He had pitch black eyes, darker fur, his two other hands were out along with his antennas, and he had a wide grin on his face. They backed up because they instantly knew something was wrong and Stitch put one of his hands out and did a "C'mon" motion, while laughing insanely. "No im not going to fight you." Yelled Remi.
"Loser. Hahahahahaha," Stitch launched himself at Remi and was about to punch him when something knocked him out of the way and onto a lower part of the mountain. When they looked at what it was, they saw two Stitch's.
"That's not Stitch." They turned around and noticed Lilo standing behind them with a container and an Experiment caught inside it. "Its a copy of him with the dark matter that's inside the other Experiments."
Remi nodded and they all looked back down at the fight between the two Stitch's but it was hard to tell who was winning because the moved at a fast pace.
Then the fight slowed down and the real Stitch was looking exhausted but the fake one didn't care and he kept punching. Stitch then fell near the edge and as he looked toward the bottom of the edge he saw raging waters below. The fake Stitch laughed insanely and at that moment Remi jumped into action. He threw the container on his back in the air and jumped down to the fight. Kevin grinned as he caught the container, towards what Remi was doing for Stitch.
Right before the fake was going to punch Stitch off the edge, Remi came in and knocked him into a corner away from Stitch. "Stitch are you alright?" Remi waited and Stitch started to get up.
"Im go..od," He rubbed his head and began to stare at a piece of wood. He stopped rubbing his head and started to smile and ran at the piece of wood. He began to carve the wood with his hands in a vigorous way and Remi stared in confusion. When he was done, he revealed a small guitar and the fake was starting to get up.
"Stitch I could use your help." Remi then started to step back and watched the fake closely. Stitch put the guitar on his back and stood next to Remi and the fake got up and stared at the two and laughed.
~End~
Nothing really to this Chapter but hopefully you all like it.
So, the other Stitch is a version made out of darkness?
Yes but I was going to reveal that the dark matter was darkness but then again dark matter already lets you know its darkness.
True that. Dark, Darkness. (no way to hide what it means.)
Yeah I feel kinda dumb that I was trying to hide in a way.
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You're writing just keeps on improving with every chapter! I loved your description of the fight, you did it really well! I still noticed some comma/run on sentence mishaps so I just corrected the main ones. You did the dialouge commas correct(with like one exception) though, so that's really good
You should use a comma when you use "but" or "and" in a sentence if the clause after and/but could be a sentence by itself."Before they started to walk up it they all looked up and saw a black fog covering some of the mountian," could be a sentence by itself.
Okay so I took out the fight "between the two Stitch's" because we already know the fight is between them, and it's the only fight going on. It just helps with the sentence flow. The same rule of commas that I said above also applies to this.
A lot of your sentences have "and" in them, and some of those you could take out the and and just use a period. It varies the sentence structure and makes it more interesting to read. When you do use and just make sure you use the right punctuation and you'll be fine.
Okay so I really liked this chapter, if you just polish the details it'll be really great. And here's a website link: Commas | Punctuation Rules
It has every rule about commas imagineable(just what everyone wants to reads). Check out rule #12. I always use this to proof read when I write. It really helps out. Also, what I find really helps is to just read it out loud, and that alone will catch most of the errors.
I can't wait for the next chapter!
You should use a comma when you use "but" or "and" in a sentence if the clause after and/but could be a sentence by itself."Before they started to walk up it they all looked up and saw a black fog covering some of the mountian," could be a sentence by itself.
Okay so I took out the fight "between the two Stitch's" because we already know the fight is between them, and it's the only fight going on. It just helps with the sentence flow. The same rule of commas that I said above also applies to this.
A lot of your sentences have "and" in them, and some of those you could take out the and and just use a period. It varies the sentence structure and makes it more interesting to read. When you do use and just make sure you use the right punctuation and you'll be fine.
Okay so I really liked this chapter, if you just polish the details it'll be really great. And here's a website link: Commas | Punctuation Rules
It has every rule about commas imagineable(just what everyone wants to reads
). Check out rule #12. I always use this to proof read when I write. It really helps out. Also, what I find really helps is to just read it out loud, and that alone will catch most of the errors. I can't wait for the next chapter!
So where did the copy come from? Stich is too good to get sucked in the darkness.
Thanks NN your a lot of help.
Lanydx theres a hint a couple of Chapters ago of how Stitch could have gotten a Darkness clone but it will all be revealed after the fight.
Lanydx theres a hint a couple of Chapters ago of how Stitch could have gotten a Darkness clone but it will all be revealed after the fight.
Tell that to Jumba, when he had first created him.
not stitch!!!!!!!!! D:
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