Help/Support ► Yes, I do have a problem

[Chrono Mizaki]

No, it is nothing to do with my mental instability, forcing me to take it out on any forum community with my cynicism.

Anyway. Ever since the New Year and seeing my fiancée off who has to get ready for University, I have been spending my week, doing the shit I wanted (with doing some work. Not in a rush, I have an entire week where no lessons, so I'm doing all the work), the effect of loneliness has affected me more than I thought. I did feel lonely throughout my university semester, but I always went to Uni, was busy with work, come home and I talk to my fiancée on Skype.

But this time, the loneliness hits me. I miss having a presence. But I always miss that. I usually convince my friend to come up and I make food for him, all to combat the loneliness I have, because I kinda like being with people. I joined up a couple of clubs in Uni, but I stopped going to them because I wanted to catch up on work... and the more weeks I missed, the more I'm iffy to come back.

I even began looking at pets on the internet. I really want a dog. I really want a cat. Because that way, I don't have to be lonely. I kinda even broke down to my Dad today on the phone because he kept prodding me to see what's wrong because I didn't phone him.

But I don't like clubs. I like to keep inside a warm room. I like to talk about geeky or funny things. Hell, I'd like to have a couple of rounds on a game. I'm generally a boring person and the friends I have... well, they can't hang around because they have to go home a city away, so I have one friend to rely on.

I don't know if it makes me clingy or whatever. I'm generally an independent person and I can survive without contact for a couple of days. But it's been a week now and it's driving me crazy.

I don't know how to combat it.

 

[Twilightheaven]

I would say that family should be important if you need to spend time with someone. Long distance relationships is very hard. I went to college and had a GF far away and it lasted for a few months but my parents were there for me at that time.

 

[Eric]

The more I read this the more I think of myself. Glad I'm not the only one.

I'm in the same boat as you, expect the only close people I have are my dog and my father. I moved in with my father after high school and left behind my friends, and I'm not the type to make new friends quickly. Like you I don't do clubs or drink/smoke/drugs and the things I like to do I often find doing by myself. I handle this well most of the time but there are times when I actually become aware of my situation and get extremely depressed. Going on facebook doesn't help either. If it weren't for my father constantly taking me on errands with him or my little shitzu that I maintain I'd have lost my mind by now. But even with them my loneliness still troubles me sometime.

I think the solution in my case would just be to find new friends but that's not as easy as it sounds. If you do think of something let me know.

 

[Relix]

I can sort of identify with you. Sometimes I feel lonely even when there is people around me but there's ways to get over it and take it one day at a time. Loneliness is a tough thing to combat if you don't know what to do, how to do it, or who to even talk to about it. I don't have any full proof advice or anything because I'm not much of an expert myself. Getting a pet sounds like a good idea from where I'm standing, that or trying your best to put yourself out there and make some friends around you. I know. Easier said than done. But you don't have to go all out or anything...just a bit out of your comfort zone. I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely because it's seriously depressing at times, but if you look into making some new friends (not saying you have to go hounding down people to hang out with) or getting yourself a pet, I'm confident that you'll get yourself out of this lonely slump.

 

[DMrayZ]

Jeez mate, it's glad to see someone else in the same boat. Well, not entirely, I live at home still, due to a chronic illness thing, but I'm in the hospital right now, so I know loneliness can really suck. I'd say, the best thing I can recommend is burrowing in here as long as you need to, if you can't hang with anyone person to person, hang with people online, sad to say but I can't think of anything else that might help you...

 

[Chrono Mizaki]

I would jump onto a pet at this rate and take it home, but my accommodation contract prohibits me from owning one sadly.

Sad to see other people in the same boat as me, it really sucks, huh? I did went out today to do some shopping though and kinda communicated with a few people. So it kinda helped... a little.

 

[Relix]

I was afraid of something like that. Perhaps even a gerbil or hamster or something haha...

Yeah, you'd be surprised as to how many people feel this way, but like I said before, I don't claim to be an expert or anything. None of us do. Going out and socializing is good and you should keep it up. One thing I tried was going down to this open mic place down by where I lived and just popping in and sitting with people with similar interests as me. You don't have a daily or even a weekly obligation to attend and the one I attended was free admission (though I do remember buying a cup of coffee I didn't want). Perhaps look around town and see if there's a place you can stop by now and then besides the grocery store or something, idk. Keep at it though

 

[KeyofEvil'sBane]

Unfortunately, I'm in nearly the exact same boat as you, except instead of a fiance, its a long distance girlfriend. I struggle with making new friends, and I also don't go out and do all the drinking and partying (which is even worse considering thats what the majority of the majors in my dorm are known for.) However, I have joined some clubs, and am hoping that will fix things in the long run.

About the pet thing, maybe you should look into living somewhere that will allow pets next year. I feel like walking a puppy around campus is a very good excuse for people to talk to you

 

[Taylor]

Part of making friends is developing a personality that people want to be around. When you're desperate, you're not appealing (trust me, I know). You come off as needy and annoying, and people don't like hanging out with those kinds of people.

Honestly, it's a matter of changing your mindset. As someone who, for his first half of high school, was a very cynical and sheltered person, I've been there in that same boat of loneliness. But it's not like it's impossible to make friends. But before you can do that, you have to develop a likable personality, and to do that, you just need to accept the loneliness and get over it. Like, it's here right now, but it's not always going to be: it's something you can change all on your own.

Also, you're not going to always find friends who sync with you perfectly. There's not going to be a myriad of friends who just love the same geeky stuff you do, so at the moment, I'd advise you to not be picky and suck it up to make the friends you can. I like to game, but a majority of my friends irl are not gamers. And that's fine; we still get together and have fun and shit. But once again, it's about becoming that person that people want to like and hang out with.

And don't get a pet, would be my recommendation. Pets are needy and the more time you spend with it, the less time you can spend socializing with actual people. It's a last ditch effort; an escape mechanic for when you feel like you've hit rock bottom. And it's not going to be able to fill the same void that legitimate friendships can; instead, it only distracts from the real issues.

So work on feeling less lonely. There's no secret game plan here: it's just a matter of the mindset. First, accept that it's okay to be alone right now, but convince yourself that you'll go out and make some friends. Don't be needy: you won't have to be if you convince yourself that being alone is okay for now. You go out to clubs and activities and shit, and you relax and meet people who you like and who like you. And once you have one friend, maybe they have a group that they can introduce you to. And even if they don't love all the same things you do, they're probably still cool people in some way, shape, or form.

It get's better, but you have to put in the work. I know it seems like a step backward to just give yourself to loneliness, but it'll help.

 

[Zipporahss]

I'd recommend a texting buddy! A texting buddy, in many ways is just a person u can constantly text and u knw they'll pick up. However I think you should look for a texting buddy that's always in the same place every day.

For example, one of my texting buddies is always at the store I work at Quick Chek. So If i'm feeling a little lonely or even bored I know that if I wait long enough (if i'm working) i'll c him and his friends. Now if i'm not working I can still go to the place I work and still find them there. I can sit with them for hours, literally from early in the morning until late at night. they love to go the store and hang out and that's the normal gathering point for him and his friends so it's easy to figure out where they'll be. It doesn't sound like a texting buddy but they're there when u aren't actually there.

Also try to find a very close friend at work. That'll always lighten ur spirits. Because I may not get very lonely like u do but I still hate being alone for long periods of time. so a few co-workers that ur really cool with will help until u c ur beloved again

HOPE IT HELPS ^^

 

[Wehrmacht]

Part of making friends is developing a personality that people want to be around. When you're desperate, you're not appealing (trust me, I know). You come off as needy and annoying, and people don't like hanging out with those kinds of people.

Honestly, it's a matter of changing your mindset. As someone who, for his first half of high school, was a very cynical and sheltered person, I've been there in that same boat of loneliness. But it's not like it's impossible to make friends. But before you can do that, you have to develop a likable personality, and to do that, you just need to accept the loneliness and get over it. Like, it's here right now, but it's not always going to be: it's something you can change all on your own.

Also, you're not going to always find friends who sync with you perfectly. There's not going to be a myriad of friends who just love the same geeky stuff you do, so at the moment, I'd advise you to not be picky and suck it up to make the friends you can. I like to game, but a majority of my friends irl are not gamers. And that's fine; we still get together and have fun and shit. But once again, it's about becoming that person that people want to like and hang out with.

This is honestly the best advice in this thread and 100% true. I would extend this advice to everyone else in this thread feeling like this.

If your posts on KHI are any indication of your IRL personality, it doesn't seem to me that you have any major insecurity or self-esteem issues, so you are already in the green in that regard, and so a lot of this probably doesn't apply to you as much as it could, because while you say you are lonely I don't imagine you being desperate. It probably applies a lot more to me than you right now, funnily enough, loneliness has been something I've been struggling for like...5 years now?

I can tell you one thing FOR SURE: it's a vicious cycle. If you are lonely, and give in to or dwell on this too much, it sabotages all your attempts to make any friends for the foreseeable future, and because of this, you become more lonely, cynical and jaded, and in your attempt to make things better for yourself, you just make them worse. I know this happened to me, and I realize now that it was because I felt that I needed these things so badly that I never had them. I learned that the best way to not be alone is, funnily enough, becoming comfortable with being alone.

Although it is generally accepted that you need people around you to be healthy, being alone is much more bearable if you simply convince yourself that it is. At the end of the day, the only person you really need is yourself. It's that simple, really. And while Celtis' advice of not being picky with friends right now is good (because it's true that it's difficult to find someone who likes most or even a lot of the same nerdy stuff that you do), I can also tell you that, on the flip side, you don't need to feel obligated to make friends with someone you have zero synergy with just because you feel alone, because, again, being alone is (to a surprising degree) only as bad as you let it be. Some people can make friends with or get along with just about anyone, but I know I'm not one of those people, and I don't know if you are either (especially considering our similar problems and tastes).

 

[Dogenzaka]

I've been dealing with a very weird kind of insatiable heavy loneliness as well. I hang out with friends very frequently, all of whom I cherish, and it all just seems like a way to temporarily fight off this loneliness I sometimes get. I figure that a dog would be a very good choice for me...but I'm too busy to care for it or deal with the training stage (I'd have to get a puppy over the summer or something to train it to not be a nuisance and shit everywhere and destroy things while I'm in class) so I don't think it'll happen until after graduation.


urgggh

and yeah, it's important to realize that no one, not even your best of best friends, will agree or share the same interests as you on everything, so it's important not to be too picky. When I was younger, I was very unforgiving (still can be but not as bad) and cynical towards my friends and if they did something that annoyed me I would impulsively reject them and end up being alone again. I had to learn that people aren't perfect, neither am I, and that it's okay to utterly disagree or hate things that your friends do and still love them and be friends.

 

[S@l13r1]

I can tell you one thing FOR SURE: it's a vicious cycle. If you are lonely, and give in to or dwell on this too much, it sabotages all your attempts to make any friends for the foreseeable future, and because of this, you become more lonely, cynical and jaded, and in your attempt to make things better for yourself, you just make them worse. I know this happened to me, and I realize now that it was because I felt that I needed these things so badly that I never had them. I learned that the best way to not be alone is, funnily enough, becoming comfortable with being alone.

...Although it is generally accepted that you need people around you to be healthy, being alone is much more bearable if you simply convince yourself that it is. At the end of the day, the only person you really need is yourself...

I agree with the advice gave by Celtis and some of the comments given by Wehrmacht. But I disagree with Wehrmacht when he recommends to accept loneliness. To accept loneliness is a symptom of mental sickness. And, if anything is true, this would be that depression is a vicious circle. You get depressed being alone and that stops you from persisting in finding friends and then you get more depressed... you can end up like Wehrmacht accepting loneliness. Just get married man. I know that having a family eliminates the possibility of just depending on yourself at the end of the day... You have a fianceé get married. You will make each other comfortable.

 

[Solar]

you don't friends

all you need is JUSTICE

 

[Chrono Mizaki]

I want to comment on my thread. It's been a while.

My loneliness is a lot bearable since because the friend that visits me (and I sometimes cook for him) comes up to see me quite a bit. Like me, he gets lonely and it's been a real blast since. I definitely hadn't a good friend since my last one (who's gone off the path since and it pained me to see him like that. He didn't want help it seems) and it makes my University life a lot better. So yeah, I'm thankful the loneliness I felt was only temporary.